Stepping back

I think that my job is about keeping the wheels in motion as we roll up the mountain. Today, well starting yesterday, I shut down work and popped in a movie -- Coco and Igor, it starts with a wonderful kaleidoscope intro -- and fell asleep on it, quite simply. And this morning I didn't run. And I am not in the office yet at 8 o'clock, and I didn't check my email once.

It's about to be christmas, you know. I'm lucky to have welcoming, appreciative colleagues and pleasant work environment, what I didn't have before. I'm thinking that there is a 3 month period of harshness, then a 6 month period of getting into the spin, and then, I should be more comfortable. Plus I will have a hollerday.

Maybe I have to look at my life more long term. Be easy on me. And stuff.

Relaxing, like I do now, is amazing. I shall have some more of this.

Luvx.

Descentes

I had a bad night, and my mind is still captive of things to do, things to remember, as if all threatened to run away with the wild horses. My thoughts are obsessive about one thing, and for once I can't blame the one thing: work, because the pressure is mine.

Today I didn't run because of the night I had. Perhaps the strong beer was not a good idea. Taking the wrong pill at night, too, I think. I worry more than folks can imagine. I am not depressed. I don't remember my dreams. I am hoping for a good day.

Amourx.

Deep belly

These days are amazing, I have to admit.

Nothing much is expected of November, even after it turned over to December. The blurry dusk, everything wrapped in a daze, we witness the change of time drawing itself until the first blizzard comes. We celebrate in the dark, and secrets are shared. At some point we will have a new year, but not today.

Me, I'm having a spell. This morning I did the tree as I walked to work (this is a hand posture or mudra), and I was told about the oak tree and the reed at the end of it. I hear a deep belly laugh as I type, hahahaha what an amazing story today was.

Good things:
The blizzard
The huge, beautiful new knitted scarf!
The appropriateness of finishing the scarf the day of the blizzard
The morning walk
The warm bright lights and the coffee
Commuting in 10 minutes
The friendly colleagues
The eye of danger
The easy ticket to the show

luvxx

Little Hero Wannabe

Today, well. It was a day where things collapse together, so tightly they need to be bundled into too little time. A day when blank head space happens when asked a simple question. But the key to today is Containment. This was contained, and I am now free of it (but reminded that I need to keep my iphone close for work related emails).

Perilous work, how I somehow strive in it at times. Little hero wannabe, you have to be one to do this.

Outside of that perimeter, well... I took the morning walk (the jog was getting taxing, so I took an easier route today). I did the plant (luminotherapy) and the tree (meditations) and my mind is quite sane, and my energy seems good. Why I'm even back into knitting, contemplating the scarf and its last repeat before I can wrap myself in its glory. The new morning regimen, on day three, is quite positive.

I received some needed positive feedback, today. The crucial meeting was postponed, giving me time. The impossible is being met as much as I can foresee. Things are contained.

Maybe with this chance of equilibrium, I can start looking at the other spheres. The other spheres.....

Amourx.

Hoarding

Well lets see now - how are things...

The scarf is almost finish and it is something else of a wonderful wonder.

I am in front of - unmeetable goals. I'd say, I'm quite certain, that it has nothing to do with me.

Significant pre-emptive guilt and anxiety about those goals.

Losing control by the amount of stuff coming in. Unsettled by peers that i don't control. Almost remotly satisfied that in one spot, i am doing the impossible quite well.

This all relates to work, and if I would be balanced, there would be a whole world of support and work wouldn't matter so much, right? Who knows.

I am working hard around that issue and need to congratulate meself, cause I still like my new job. So.

Good things of todayz:
-the programmed coffee ready in the morning
-the dawn simulator when my bfriend is here and the first thing i see is his glowing smiley face
-luminotherapy
-the morning runs (!) with zen music, seeing the sun rise.
-the connection with something bigger than me
-the friendliness of my peers, of my clients, even
-the new knitting stuff and books that I hoard and love to hoard some more.
-the gov. job exam that i had to refuse
-the beer when I get home
-the calm
-the somber november days

For sure I have tilted today, with hindsight, about work, and I am calming now by writing, beer, and maybe by will too.

Thank you.

Day by knitting

Today my cabled scarf got mixed up. I only did a few rows and had to unknit a lot, I wasn't focused. I undid and redid a cable and undid the crossing as I went. I left this problem lay there, because I don't know exactly how to recross a cable. The wool is lovely and it the scarf is cakey (makes me think of cake). But I can't solve its problem today (I wish I could knit it on, it is as pleasing as eating cake).

So I took my simple but fine sweater and prepared to knit a lot of stockinette. The ball of yarn for this one is the tangliest thing and I also gave up trying to untangle it. It feels less like a logical puzzle solving task than a very patient and attentive one, but I don't have enough of either. I couldn't complete the cast on.

I am very tired. I let the sweater wool lay too. I have nothing to knit now. I realize I can cut the tangled ball and start a new one. Ho-hum!

So if this was to say something about today, it would be. Lots of issues, an apparent mess, some stopping of the general good order of things. All of these are true.

It's also true that I came home early to rest under the good light. That I am surfing on a chilled tangled mess.

Amourx.

Today

When I started this blog, it was to talk about depression, dysthymia, and how I progress in life with this condition. I find that going back to that subject today will be grounding. Let's do that.

I am at week 2 of a very nice new job. It has just been my 37th birthday (I find that particular number hard to digest...). I have had a sick leave from my previous job for about 6 weeks and switched job in the process. I was depressed and suffered from the climate at work. I went back on anti-depressents, started an exercise program, drastically stopped being interested in eating, managed to see my psychologist (I refer to him as my specialist) only once. And here I am.

Today I am still like this:
-I can't have a lot on my agenda. After work, even if it's been a nicely rounded day, I feel a lot of performance anxiety. I tend to want to scarf down some food (something ready made that I don't have to cook or manage left overs) and take the hole evening to rest with no activity but reading, knitting or tv.

-I still accept every invitation as a rule. They are usually a source of anxiety too. And I feel tired thinking of it. But it's a very good rule to go by when you are depressed.

-I'm still tired and have a weird relationship with food. I haven't integrated training in my routine.

-Although a new job like this is stressful for anyone, I feel lighter than I did in my old one. Even the anxiety is more easily digestible. I have to say that my role is a high visibility in the company. For an introvert like me, it's a sizeable challenge. The fit still feels natural and good.

-Thinking back, I'd say my old job was growing a figurative tumour in me. This got removed. No wonder that I am tired.

-My personal love life is an area that isn't great, but I always have a hard time knowing what to do. I don't know if I can handle a major change, but there are frustrations and a lot of unexplored territories. It's tough and probably is a source of the low energy,

-The anti-depressents are working but I may in fact get the dose up higher (like it was last time) so that the dark grey veil that I live in lifts up. When I take this medication, I realize how I felt before and how far down it was in the scale of livelihood. I am not aware of it otherwise, I am so used to it. There's still some greyness in my world and at my reasonable age, I want to live it better.

Week

A new week is starting and I am happy and... poised.

Ready to take on the challenge.

Amourx.

costume

Good things
The world didn't collapse
friendly folks at new work
friendly colleague
lunch conversation with nice girls
paartys (since I have to get into it)
trois pistole
thinking of a costume
waiting for my package that is there but the damn post office closed.
ability to relax?
don't know...
luv xx

Odd Number

Good things,
a package on it's way
the short way to work
the nice people there
mad men
the glass of wine, the pills
the boyfriend calls
the friends call
the sisters
the partys

I'm a bit stressed for nothing
enjoy the paarty and put on a happy face
someone is turning some odd number of years
soon.

amourx

Esteem

I have a new job! I started today. That is only one half day. And it is fitting that i am drinking alone on a Friday at this time, which is 8:30 if you must know. I am watching Mad Men, saw 9 episodes. Love it. And my favourite is Betty. I always like the quiet ones. It makes me think of my mom too. Of my mom and dad, when they where a couple (that was before my time).

I had, before today, been not working for weeks. Well i did show up at my old work last week to wrap up and say goodbye. But other then that it has been weeks of resting for me. And in that time, I have transformed a bit. I lost weight. My friend August said I looked some 20 pounds thinner. That's great but I know the scale says only 3 pounds or so are gone. But I fit in more types of clothes and I'm starting to have my figure back.

On the inside, I went through several changes. First there was some kind of paralysis mixed with self loathing. There was only me facing my self esteem and it was low. Then there was a long period of fear. The whole transition was guilt laden for me. So it was either fear of being caught or guilt of doing something wrong, all the whilst I wasn't doing anything.

I read books and I saw a specialist. I requested some pills from my doctor and worked up my prescription. I started to see things differently. I started to workout, seeing that I had all that time. I restarted to knit, and immersed myself in it almost none-stop.

Then some sure fire sign that I am getting better, I'm buying stuff. I found shoes, and boots. One pair of each, and a couple outfits for work. I fit in nice dresses now. I purchased an order of 5 or so knitting books and a hole new set of needles. I went to the restaurant and had massages. I also held myself back at times.

I went through deep despair and high hopes, and I landed a good job. I prayed in my way, fingers crossed, kissing god. I put all of me in a clear sound place, and I pretended that I was a tree. I didn't know how many kinds of trees there were, and how they felt before. I saw some light, I did feel it and see it shine in me in a ray.

I carried fear along with me until it was unbearable. I talked about it and saw no end to it. I thought that I was doomed, until one particular morning the solution came to me straight, and as soon as i had it I felt free. And I soon as I put it in place, things have unraveled superbly for me, and I am couched in a new job after a goodbye to the other. And I have said goodbye and had closure. And I have said hello to-day,

I have started this alone, and I have been alone. I have seeked to be alone. Tonight I finish this all quiet alone. Glass of wine. All the literature, craft and culture at my fingertips. I ponder on the meaning of alone. I will keep praying in my way.

Amourx.

Mudras

Heeey, it's been a short while. I don't have the inclination to write much. This is strange, but I also don't have much appetite, or the need to knit or sew. Well, those would be symptoms. I am getting out of the rut slowly and also taming the fear that I bare. Oh what will the world do to me if it finds out what a traitorous slob of sloth that I am... was what was running down my spine all day. Not useful for nobody.

I will see my specialist only saturday. That's supposed to be a short week before my return to work, but I won't return right away. I'm not ready and this is the part that I will defend. I'm awaiting some news but I expect them late and I am a little more ready to hear bad news this time.

I picked up the David Burns book that has a complete strategy to get out of depression, I used it before and it worked. I'm reading a book on mudras (hand postures and meditations), I am meditating and moving my butt everyday at minimum, and this morning I got a training program and I will follow it to the tee. I went back to my old trainer Patricia, she's great. And I had all these sessions pre-paid from 2 years ago so it only costs me 10$ for a day pass, since I am not a member.

I am not trying to bore you with minute day things but that's what is coming out of me. After my session, I went home, started to read, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Very deep sleep. It feels so good. I have a new rule of banning TV, it's the first day. It's a good idea. My mood has lifted this morning, I felt it. I am more neutral now.

Another rule that I have is to accept every invitation that I get. Well yesterday I didn't go to the movies with copain, but he's an exception. Tonight I am going to the South Shore for dinner and drinks, not too many. If I would listen to my ass I wouldn't go, but hey, I gotta.

Amourx.

Crepe Suzette

The pear turned up in an unexpected crepe suzette this morning. It was good but I am still digesting it. It's not an easy fruit to eat.

Speaking of which, I have got to shape up and ship out. I have been a major zombie for 10 days now, except for never turning down an invitation. Yesterday it was my mom, and we did the movies and restaurant thing. Both where good although I was less than a wreck.

It's safe to say that I'm a prey to 'what happens', to what I don't control, and my mood will make major swings according to what life throws at me. It's safe to say that I wouldn't feel safe turning down my career. I guess that I have to be honest with myself. The artist writer gardener knitter mother? yogi socialite is not me now. I don't feel safe with that. I need the hole buzy-ness to fill the void because it terrifies me.

How can I feel better and appease both sides of me? ha. well. I have almost 2 more weeks to pounder on that one. My guess is: meditation, outdoorsy things and sports, and also... I will see my psychologist and he will say that I am a nutter for choosing the career. But he's a grounding element in my imaginary fortress. He will be so brutally rational. And there are the pills. They worked wonders last time so it's sound thinking that they will help again. Maybe not just yet though, it's too soon, and my situation is to bizarre, to tell.

Off I go planning a session with a trainer. I have 11 of them so I will use them if I must pay an extra 10$.

It's mind-boggling what happens in transitions. I prefer to let it ride.

Amourx.

Fear

Remember the fruit that I had at arms length, that smelled like a pear? Well it fell off the tree and made a thump sound. I have been devastated all week-end and my options are opening and narrowing at the same time. I feel the void like a heavy weight on my shoulders and in my chest. I have this fear and a lot of mixed emotions to sort out and I hear a ticking clock too.

I've been good at staying active if not positive during the week-end. I went indoor climbing and passed an unplanned and unprepared climbing accreditation! Then I went to the mountain but not at the top. Copain followed me all thru it. He made some portuguese chicken yesterday too (I count that as a thing on my list, somehow...). I also went to the yoga class on friday.

A couple things that I can do to stay sane:
-try to get an earlier meeting with my specialist
-make a schedule involving seven hours of 'work' and sticking to it.
-write down and rationalize my mixed emotions
-write down my options
-meditate and calm down

Good things:

At least 2 more weeks of rest.
A healthy body.
Sunny days.
Friends and family.

You can't always say what you want

It has been a week since I am on sick leave from work. I'm sitting thinking, knowing, that I need to move on. I am a like a lady in waiting, but waiting for what? Is it me or is my life the most passive thing on this earth. Is it me or am I not happy?

I am not terribly depressed. Perhaps I should celebrate just this. This break saved me, I think. And the intervention from my doc, and the niceties from my friends, and... probably pills too but it's only been two weeks. They shouldn't work yet but with me it's possible that they do. I can feel my pupil getting wider. The main thing is the break.

So here's to that. I'm trying to get at what's bugging me. Cause I am sooo passive. I sleep so much. Give me no boundaries and I will find a way to walk all over them. Soo maybe I need a little structuration. You can't always do what you want.

I have pushed back on calling my specialist because I didn't want the confrontation. Turns out he was out of town anyway. Now I think it would do me a little good. I've gone numb. I guess the last couple week, even months, where hard for me. But something is nagging me now.

Like the life I wanted? The one by the water? (I am just an unfortunate train track away from the water). Believing? I think that's kind of gone for a while. Faith in me. The ability to change things. I can't even say what I want. Hmm.

What if I just rambled on about my days. They are not so devoid of interest. If the greater hours of my life where taken for work, then I would not have this void to look at. However, I like to look at this void far better than at my work inbox.

There is a yoga class in 30 min. that I could pop into. My ankle may be ready for it now. What about my mind. Seems I don't want to be in any thing that has set time. Is this backlash?

I'm happy that my 'condition' isn't bad and will only get better. I'm waiting for a call. I'm going to the class.

Amourx.

Pause

It's not exactly how I expected it -- all this time taken to rest. You'd imagine that I would do all the things that I don't do when I work, but it doesn't happen that way. I sleep a lot. I do a little cleaning, I do a little writing, I follow some of my obligations, I push back on others.

If I had to imagine my life All Better, well... I would be living somewhere by the water I'm sure. In a house with windows, a clean house. I'd be writing, cooking, maybe raising kids of some sort? I don't know if I would go all homey and crafty, or more outdoorsy. I don't know much these days. I'd probably do like my sister and run my own little thing on my own time.

Remember when I said that there was 2 things that drained the hell out of me but that my life revolved around nonetheless? Well, I have kicked one of them out and lived on to tell the tale. This is where I landed. The second thing well, I don't have much strength to deal with it, and besides it's going fine now.

I don't have the mindset to write, or even to read much. It's very different then when I was working. I would crave those moments of reading and knitting. Not so much now. I guess that I am disoriented. I'd rather go on a roadtrip, a long journey.

Not unhappy though, no. I'm happy. I'm resting. Maybe it's best not to try to understand it too much.

Music. I'd like to find some music for this period. That may be what is missing.

All good,

Amourx.

Hell Broke Loose

And it didn't make a sound. I'm in a major transition and not working for at least another 2 weeks. Turns out that I get a little bit paralyzed with all that time to spend at my leisure, but my goals seem like mountains so I freeze in front of them. That should pass.

I guess that I am also under the backlash of all the mindfucks an emotions that made me leave work. It was big. I don't know if I can blame the pills for my inertia or if I am more exhausted than I knew. I can certainly blame it for feeling so nauseous after I eat.

I took my bike out cause I needed it. My ankle is still fragile (the one I sprained a few weeks back) so I refrain from too much activity, but I can walk, bike and swim and I try to do that every other day at least. I find that I am trapped here in my wee place so it does me good to go out.

All in good time I guess. I will keep you posted. This is weird.

Amourx.

Pear Shaped Post

I think that it is too early to be up and to post. I still have problems with sleep amongst other things, so the doc gave me back my prescription pill. It's this or psychotherapy + lots of exercise. This pill-less solution is what I am aiming for, but not realistic given what's going on in me life. Also, when you reach any point of the depression cycle, you are a lot more vulnerable to fall in an even lower point. The difficulty to get out of it increases dramatically, exponentially, so its best to stay clear of these lower zones by booting yourself out anyway you can.

I have several ways. The hardest is to act on external causes. If you are unhappy at work or in love, if you lack social support, means, health, security, those are things that you can influence by your actions, but the outcome is a bit of a lottery. You can give it your best shot, but you can't predict the outcome.

But, acting on it will enhance your mood. The process can be hard and discouraging at times, but it can also be easy, enjoyable and provide the boost that you need quickly. It can seem daunting but there are very minute steps that you can do. Allowing yourself to rest is one thing. Picking up the phone is another. Talking about your issues with friends, sending resumes, signing-up for a class, finding a therapist for support, taking care of your health and things that you can control are examples of small things that you can do. I find that most of them involve reaching out a little bit. Reaching out goes against the grain of a depressed person (at least it does for me, I usually want to curl up in a ball and be left alone), so I find it's what I need to coax myself to do anyway. And when I do it, it's incredible how easy and fruitful it can be.

So I have done that a bit recently, and today may be bearer of a fruit. Smells like... a young pear. I am not sure if I can bite in it yet, so I will let you know when I can, and what it tastes like. I can tell you that I have lost a ton of weight off my shoulders just by going through the hoops to get here. Sadly the scale in my bathroom is not concurring. I still have the extra 15 pounds to carry until I figure out how to deal with it.

Other things I do is try to go outside and be active physically. Sunshine will raise your mood, just exposure to outside will raise your mood. Seeing great sights like mountain tops or lakes will do that too. Getting closer to nature is resourceful. Couple that with a bit of activity like walking, biking, running, canoeing, swimming and you have a very potent cocktail that will restore you. If these activities seem too tiring, how about lying down beach side with the occasional dip in the water. How about just walking to where you will sit for a picnic or to catch the sunset. I find that it helps to remove the ceiling off my head and to see far and wide, to get that daylight in my eyes and breath the air. If you live in suburbia, walking to the mall or around the block will work too i'm sure, but try to go where you are inspired by the sights, sounds, smells... I find that I need to see natural beauty or city eclecticism or else I get bored.

I am still not able to get at the extra weight thing, but it is always in my head. In the past 3 years I went from my normal, long-thin-with-curves figure to a somewhat chubby tall lady (I don't think that I will ever be round because I have a tall and used-to-be lean figure, but my face, arms, breasts, belly and thigh are all pretty chunky morsels of flesh now). Hildegaard comes to mind. I don't know what her figure was like, but I imagine a tall strong viking lady. Give me two long brades and a helmet and I will fit the picture. Expect for the strong part.

My self image may be skewed, I don't know. But anyway, for now I try to move a lot when I can. That's pretty much all that I am able to manage. The desire for a more structured and efficient fitness program is here but the time and energy aren't. However, I am not letting go. I'm a warier. I am not pushing further on this front right now, but it's not very far behind and my gear is ready. I am being strategic -- when you start a diet or fitness program, it will give you a lot but also take out some at first (it takes time and energy and is an adaptation for your body). If you already have a lot going on, fitness may not be the first thing to attend to. Of course that is very relative. It can be the very first thing to do for you and it is one thing that you have complete control on and that will give you a capital boost. I find that physical activity and good food lift my moods instantly.

There are other things that you can do that will give you a bit of respite. I am speaking of hobbies and habits - they take your mind away from the usual dark thoughts (your thoughts are tinted if you are depressed) and focus on the thing that you do for fun or that you have fun doing. They don't give you any kind of pressure like deadlines (it's not work), they are enjoyable. Where ever you see enjoyment, seek it more.

While I was writing this post, someone rang at my door. He had my wallet with its content intact. It spent the night on the parking lot in the rain. He was laughing and happy to relieve a stranger from the loss of a wallet. This is enjoyable indeed! I never even new that I had lost it. This has happened to me twice, recently, with the same wallet. It may be the boomerang wallet. Why I keep losing it has to do with the state of my head. I fear now that I lost the glasses that where already the second identical pair that I got because I lost the first one. Sadness.

Onwards.

Amourx.

Bleu Montagne

Uh-hum.

Je suis lavée. Manque de sommeil, terminé un roman policier glauque, visite chez le doc éprouvante (pas pour ma cheville), cheville foulée. N'empêche au fond de moi, un petite lumière, un sentiment que les choses vont bien, vont bien aller surtout. Un sentiment que je fais les bonnes choses, que ça s'enclenche, l'engrenage et tout.

Mais avant, je dois me reposer. Je suis en vacances (détail important!). J'ai vécu une merveilleuse expérience dans le bois, vue des paysages magnifique au sommet de la montagne la plus dramatique et belle. J'ai fait toute sorte de sports que j'aime: kayak, vélo, baignade, et un massage que je qualifierais d'onirique-transcendental. Et j'ai manger du homard... 3 fois. Et déguster du ciel sous le ciel (de Charlevoix dans les deux cas). Et il me reste encore beaucoup de dodos de vacancières, mais je ne les comptes pas car ça serait triste.

Mais là, je suis la-vée. Un bain. Un petit dodo. Je vais commencer à vous dire, que la vie est belle.

Amourx.

De l'eau

Debout au milieu de la nuit, j'ai eu cette inspiration que je suis déshydratée, surtout depuis dimanche que je bois de l'alcool ou du café sans regarder. Je me demandais si je devais prendre une pilule de dodo en plus des pilules de veille que je reprends pour me sortir du bois, puis j'ai penser à l'eau comme une évidence qui m'échappe depuis le début de la semaine.

De l'eau, c'est ce que mon père réclamait à ses dernier jours, et dans mes rêves à ce moment là qu'il nous quittait. Ces temps-ci je l'invoque presque, parfois, pour qu'il me rassure sur qui je suis, au fond. Il me dira que je suis belle et que j'ai bon coeur, et que la vie peut être merveilleuse ou mesquine - on le sait pas. Et je suis d'avis qu'on n'y peut rien (en fait je suis d'avis qu'elle est neutre, la vie. On est juste dedans).

Il reste 3 dodos. Si je ne fait pas mes nuits, j'aime mieux écrire ici en buvant de l'eau que ruminer dans mon lit. Je crois que j'ai une inspiration là, pour m'aider à prendre des décisions.

Et puis je me laisse aller dans la nuit, advienne ce qui arrive au lendemain - ce ne sera jamais bien grave. J'entends sauve ta peau quelque part. Je prends un verre d'eau.

Amourx.

Good things:

Dinner with mom
Boating with sis
Summer still sizzling
Only 3 more days till vacation

Stiches

Often the worst fears turn out to be nothing. I have the fear of the last week before vacation, but I am caught up reading stichywitch's blog chronologically. I find it soothing.

Amourx.

Addendum

I got my pill sans prescription
I did my work
I did my workout
I am still in hyper mode
Thinking of what I can do, should do
Thinking about social anxieties
Thinking about meetings at work, can't help it
Thinking about my vacations, can't put my finger on them
I hope that I dream about them
I hope that I wake up all better
I hope that I will be fierce, very fierce, from now on.

Amourx.

The Good, the Bad and the Zany

Good things, let's see...

The canal bed at the lock under the bridge
The podcasts in the morning, at lunch and on the way home
Copain's surprise travel planning
The c-l-e-a-n floors!
The light in the entry way
The surprising long and deep night of sleep. I couldn't even unfold my wrist, I went flat out for 8 hours.
My home.

But there was quite a lot of the bad and the zany today -- most of which I can't write about, but it's enough to send me right back into prescription pill-dom. My doctor is not available until after my vacation, in a month, so that means that I have to deal with my crisis without him.

Because people, I am in a crisis. I could go to my therapist but doing 1-2 sessions with him seems like too much with everything else. Going there, all the way to St-Basile, is a trip in itself. This too shall happen after. What else will happen after? ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE. Be prepared.

The other fact of the matter is that I am FAT and expanding. Pill-dom will NOT help, so I am going to pop-in a workout dvd right now, fiercely.

Please allow me the free use of all caps.

I'll be all right (but your prayers are welcome).

Amourx.

I am listening

Odd that I had a very good summer day, but tonight I am not sleeping because I am taken by very unnerving thoughts. So much so that I think I should listen. So much so that it burns.

To relieve me let me tell you of my day. It started at a very lovely mexican bistro for brunch. I had the chilaquiles. Lord. I did not know that I could have a tortilla and salsa meal for breakfast. I will die happier.

Then on my notice I ran, hopped and skipped around the park and canal, than threw myself in the empty swimming pool under the sun. This is my new regimen and I am fierce about it. The pool was empty of people, not water, by the way. It was odd and delightful to swim in it alone. Such a big pool for moi. Copain came too but true to himself, he only dipped his feet.

I had an impromptu invite to my nieces b-day and she got a lovely fish named Milkshake. Although the gift has my name on it, her mom had most of everything to do with the giving. It was complicated to get and very nearly didn't happen. We sat around the fireplace in the yard with the mosquitoes and chatted to the sisters without pain. Even copain behaved the hole night. And the cake was nice.

I fell asleep on the movie a couple hours ago. The ugly part of the day is the last hour. But that's why I am here, listening.

Amourx.

O Oh

Hello, this is miss doom and gloom -- not.

Good things:
Majhong
Coffee
The pool (the public pool -- I don't have a yard let alone a swimming pool in my condo, but I have 3 very nice public swimming pools at arms reach)
The love of writing
The love of reading
O magazine (don't quote me on this one)
The impromptu day off (was ill the night before)
Café Mariani
Short sisterly email with no pain in them
Conversations with an anonymous samaritan

Love.

I know

Good things...

New cargo pants
Meditation podcasts all night
Samaritans
Meaghan Smith
Sisters
The faint knowledge that I control my acts, like now.

Amourx.

Beat

I lied about doing a bad job at work - I'm doing a really good one, there is no point denying my good work.

I felt like crying once or twice, specially at after a 'how are you' from an overseas friend. That didn't go too well, I always forget to be professional with this guy. Part of my job means that I should really manage emotions and master the poker face, no emotion drill. My friend and ex boss J is the queen in this respect. But lets face it, I am a very emotional, sensitive girl that is still struggling to even understand these beasties within me.

Home now I am beat. Had no sleep last night. The day feels like a breakup, but copain doesn't seem to see it that way and I don't have the heart or the strenght to push it further. I am collapsed on my sofa, ate way to much, and will be in this position until tomorrow. Not making any plans for holiday (because should we talk them apart?), Not knitting his sweater, Not doing any of the things that would help me feel good, pushing everything to tomorrow and the next day, and the next day.

I gotta leave this town.

Amourx.

Gentile Souls

I will not do a good job at work this week. This sets it up. I had a fight with copain yesterday that ended in tears, and maybe the end is near. Things tend to happen all together, I notice. It's very hard for me to contemplate failure, to see it coming, and to drive through it. I am particularly well geared to deliver the impossible and to make my clients happy and trusting at the same time. You give me a task, and I will take care of it through thick and thin and to the grave if I must. There is something in me that doesn't want to let people down - I really don't.

Love is different. I could say in a rather dark statement that I don't believe that I can have the partner and the life that I want, that I don't believe in it, so I don't expect it. Maybe what I have now is faulty -- well I know that it is. I say that it boils down to what I can tolerate in the long term, or of meeting the proverbial bottom of the barrel. It's grim. So maybe I need a break from it all.

Good things? My blue shirt-dress, coffee, rain pouring all night, and a beautiful big family of gentile souls.

Amourx.

Not a Smart Girl

It's been a while and it may not be long. I am using 5 minutes between things to post, but copain will be here in a bit and I will be off to my mom's for a family diner with little cousin from Calgary.

I don't think that I have Ever been so constantly irritated by every human interaction that is. Ya'll know the stress at work drill, but this is different. All through the week-end I was so short tempered, as if I had a life to save and everything, everyone, didn't cooperate and came in my way. And that was just copain. Imagine when I get into work and am in a constant flux of requests and deadlines.

And my brain is definitely going dark. I'm always certain that people turn and hate me. I feel it like pins going through me. But is that really possible?

Couple that with talking to myself, nearly going into accidents, and displaying some Tourette syndrome/alzheimer behavior - things are not going better.

I know that what I need is a break, or pills. I don't know when I will start to do something about it. I had a deadline last February. I skipped it, and things have only gotten worst. I am not a smart girl.

Amourx.

Calm Together

I am here to say, to wish, that...

To say, to wish, to blurt out. To calm together.

Right now.

Amourx.

The Hours

How do I stay sane -- that is the question. That should be the first question I ask every morning.

It's Sunday, it's work week -1. The best and most important thing that I have to do to stay sane is to have a life outside work (and the hours too). I've done really good this week-end. I've:

-learned to sew a pretty bag (at a sewing lounge, in a class, and I brought my sister. This wasn't just me with myself, so I get extra points).
-discovered a beautiful beach only 20 minutes from my home! I'm not telling! But oh my my that was time well spent with copain yesterday.
-went to see a stand-up comic show - top performance in the chic TNM. I laughed out loud en masse. The humorist is André Sauvé - highly recommended.
-Had a chinese puffed pastry, picked up for a dollarin chinatown after the show
-wrote an email for work (damn! this does not belong in the list)
- Hung my mirror over the dresser-- lovely (but perhaps a bit to low).

And it's only 2pm so I can take a break now. I am still SUPER anxious about next week because there is a presentation that I will give to 30 people. No big deal, I will be fronted and followed by the president so I believe that I am well setup. I'm having a hard time fitting everything else in the week thought - so I will have to put some more work into my week-end. Not so fun eh? I think that I will go on a wifi-ed terrasse to do that.

Right now I'm drinking questionable beer. I never like Unibroue's Ephemere beer, but they always stick them in the boxes when there is a 'mixed selection' promo. So I'm drinking the apple beer... yeah. I had hoped that I would have the blackcurrent ones at least, but looks like not. My favorite of all times beer is Unibroue's Trois-Pistoles (I like 'em strong and tasty) (I was inclined to follow that by: like my men).

Next? I'm reading a very resourceful web site about stress management (about time say you? yeah). If you're interested, it's www.mindools.com. I'm reading it ALL, so I'm sure to be better equipped against the beast.

The other things that I really want to do are start a professional blog, write fiction, and spend more hours doing crafts and cooking. I don't have the hours right now, but if I keep spelling it out, maybe it will happen.

Amourx.

Walk the Plank

I really want to start working on a workpress blog design. I want to start a more consistent, professional blog (and keep this one - it's my exutoir). I don't have the subject yet. There are so many things that I like to write about. But i think that I will enjoy spending the hours aligning pixels and choosing layouts and colors, re-learning to code. It will be a pleasure to make something that I usually only plan and oversee.

Meanwhile in the DRB... My strings are pulled in two direction. On one side, it feels like I am standing on the plank that's tied to the eject button. My sister told me today what the dynamic sounded like and I have to pause to think about it. Why yes, she may be right. On the other side, someone wants to make me his squire. I wished that there was a healthy, respectful dialogue going on -- but it's more likely that my cards will be dealt for me. It's the DRB.

Hence the blogging and the sewing and the knitting, and even the cleaning. Things I love to do that make me feel good (the cleaning part is a bit of a paradox if you know me at all, but it still belongs here). Yesterday I went to a couture atelier and I made my very first bag. It's really perty. I was tired as heck going there straight from a big work week and learning to make the bag and making it 'till 10 o'clock without having had dinner. But the moment you have the completed bag in your hand, you just feel happy and all that goes away.

So today, some relaxing. Lots of relaxing. And doing the things that I love.

Amourx.

Good day to all

And to all a good, calm day, where no one loses his or her mind, where all the people are happy and light.

Luk

I'm making some progress, if ever so subtle. I don't know if I have the ability, right now, to change something.

You see, there is a barrel. Everyone has them. You can see them or not, but at some point you may find yourself at the bottom of one and then you know what I mean. I've been there, you probably have too, and if you're still here, you may have crawled out of it and are not looking back.

I am not at the bottom of a barrel, I am on the edge. I'm quite certain that I have been motorcycling around its inner hem in a circle for the last... two-three years, going up and down in spirals, in some kind of dynamic equilibrium that keeps me from hitting the bottom. Well, I'm still there spinning around, making some fancy jumps here and there when I have too, but man, I am tired and running out of gas.

I've asked my friend So how to get my out of there. If the life has a lot of tolerability, and the lady has gigantical endurance and tolerance capabilities, well, it can go on forever! A scary concept!

There comes the usefulness of the proverbial barrel. If nothing gets you up and out of it, then hitting the bottom will be effective in ending the tireless rotational repetitions.

I don't wish it upon myself. I would much rather take a deep breath and lift up and out and land somewhere unknown, outside.

But I'm a wuss.

I guess that the takeaway here is, if you ever hear a big thumping, smashing noise one day coming from this vicinity, smile. In or out of the barrel, it means I got out of the infernal cycle. Wish me luk

Amourx.

True Blood

L'humeur ne s'améliore pas et il faut dire que les deux canaux principaux contribue toujours à l'exacerber. Je suis même enfermée dans ma jolie chambre pour en faire un point. Que ce passe-t-il?

Il y a peut-être un peu de bio ou d'hormonal qui est en cause; l'arrêt des pilules, quelconque pms saisonnier.

Mais je pense, je pense, que... Je pense que c'est un peu, beaucoup, la soumission à l'ordre des choses. Je pense que mon environnement m'étouffe à petit feu. Et là je fait exprès de ne pas être plus précise, mais c'est deux choses plutôt qu'une.

Et peut-être que je n'ai pas le choix, en tout ou en partie, de subir cet étouffement. Je ne suis pas dans un mode survie, il y a pire. Et c'est bien là la difficulté de la chose, la haute tolérabilité de la situation. Quoique mes gonds se relâchent lestement. À quand le grand chari-vari?

Et wish me well.

Pour y remédier, les good things:

-True blood
-cold beer
-lunch et repos au canal
-calme des ressources autrefois belliqueuses
-belles technos c'est l'époque
-paquet tricot reçu, superbe laine pour copain
-paquet amazon attendu demain (il y a un pattern, vous comprendrez)
-frigo plein de bonnes choses
-maison que j'aime et confort

Amourx.

RUN!

Je suis tellement irritée que je considère les mesures extrêmes. Je viens d'annuler un abonnement car leur support est un peu défectueux et me laisse sans réponse. Je n'aurais pas du - c'est un move de fille en colère.

Why? Must I say it? I have to get out of here.

En gros, c'est la DRB et l'autre. Je me sens lavée par l'un et par l'autre. Je crois que je vais prendre un break. Everything stops while I relax.

Je me sens pas top top physiquement non plus. Trop d'alcool hier? Je sais pas.

Je dois faire un meeting de condo et ce soir une sortie de fête et mon **** de copain m'a laisser tomber hier pour le cadeau. Mon **** a beaucoup, beaucoup de lacunes.

Quand je commence à me parler toutes seule parce que la colère veut sortir de moi, c'est un signal.

Good things:

Soirée avec deux celibs qui racontent leurs aléas - on aime.
Chambre à coucher ré-emménagée avec nouvelle vanité - wow!
La canicule, et sont explosion en orage bien attendu hier
L'air qui circule maintenant
Mon condo
Ma tête
Mon coeur

Amourx.

(copain m'appèle entre temps - il a été retourné.)

But the Truth is

I'm Fucking mad as hell and want to torpido thru various people. I won't articulate it. I'm too angry tonight. :-(

Cultivates Calm

I propose it to the world.

Amourx.

Chaînes

Juste pour dire, j'écris quelque petites choses pour pas oublier qui je suis. C'est incroyable comment je n'ai pas de filtre, comment certaines personnes me pénètrent sans le savoir. C'est peut-être réciproque? En tout cas dans les faits je me sens marchée dessus et j'aime pas ça.

Je sais que mon air de rien laisse entendre que je suis un tapis. Mais... j'en suis pas. Je suis beaucoup plus discrète et lente à m'exprimer que d'autre. J'ai appris à être silencieuse et j'aime bien avoir la bonne écoute quand je vais dire quelque chose.

J'ai fait un truc pour ma soeur, une housse à iphone. Je ne sais pas si mon choix de laine est judicieux - c'est un peu gros. Mais c'est peut-être le mauvais point ou juste la finition qui pourrait faire la bonne différence. C'est toujours comme ça au début, la relation avec un objet qu'on a créer. Petit rejet post-partum.

Quand je fait des petite choses manuelles, je me raconte toujours des histoires, comme si les objets était animés. Tous les maillons des chaines qui un a un forment un tissus flexible et extensible... C'est comme la goutte et la mer, vous voyez. Je suis habitée d'histoires qui sortent de moi sans cesse. Et il faudrait peut-être que j'arrête de laisser les autres me définir pour laisser courir mes histoires.

J'ai un choix à faire.

Amourx.

To Chill

Good things of today

The heatwave, in a subversive sort of way
The foam roller and what I did to it
The very good, long, night of sleep
The laughter that comes from time to time

I'm being deliberately generic because the two most biggest thing that my life sort of revolves around are majorly disappointing and turning me into a mess of poo. Not worth their keystrokes.

More fun things-or maybe not. A thin man with longish grey hair reminded me of my dad so much that I had to turn around and look once I passed him on my bike this morning. It wasn't him (that was humour, my dad died a long time ago).

Had lunch by the water before 11 but then worked all the way thru noon and then some. No gain there.

A DJ Vadim tune in the morning. Good dub reggae continuation to my calypso week-end.

2 beers at night and figuring out that I'm deadbeat because of the heatwave. The only defence I have against a heatwave is to chill.

Feeling very proud that I can tolerate the heat without air conditioning. A little less proud that no one else would spend more than an hour in my house. Cause the people, they get conditioned too. We are very few in the resistance.

I would go all emo about my life but I can't spare it. I can't even think straight right now. The best idea may be a third beer, I dunno.

Still there is one word that I will never ever ever forget.

Amourx

Rum and Coca-Cola

Pour balancer les choses, je dois dire qu'en se 4ième jour de vacances d'été-canicule, je jouis. Les activités s'enchaînent naturellement entre des pas de danse calypso bien sentis (enfin, ma version de pas de danse calypso. Pensez Snoopy quand il est content).

Il y a 2 semaines, muni d'un gros chèque que j'ai enfin reçu de la part de la ville de Montréal (subvention pour l'achat de propriété neuve, oui oui), je suis allée faire un... hum hum... petit tour chez Ikea. Depuis se temps j'emménage, je lave et je décors. J'ai eu un immense plaisir à décrasser ma salle de bain - je suis simple - et je suis hautement fière d'avoir non seulement percé les premiers trous dans mes murs et d'avoir enfin un porte-serviettes en règle, mais aussi, j'ai installé deux larges tablettes murales qui tiennent tout seule sur le mur (je devais le re-préciser pour l'emphase) et je dois dire que c'est droit. C'est hautement droit, aligné et justement espacé. C'est 'analy-retentivement' droit. Je ne suis pas juste un peu fière.

Petits pas calypso. J'ai invité qui voulait venir et sa progéniture à une magnifique journée à la plage, direction Yamaska. J'ai un pique-nique à préparer. Petits pas calypso.

Amourx.

Weathercock Fools

I'm going down to this sad little place, something in me that's crying out, madly desperate and sad. Overall I'm doing swimmingly fine. I've been off pills long enough that i've stopped feeling nauseous. I'm always in the sun when I can, and I'm taking real good care of me. That's not to say that things are all picture perfect. I know that I hurt copain last night - it hurts me too. It has to be. And in that respect it will not get easier.

I told the story again of the infamous work vaudeville that happened in May. Every time I tell it, it bites off a piece of me. Weathercock fools did that to me. Hopefully dogs will eat dogs.

I think that's where the sad part comes from. Also, I'm going through changes, I think. Like I grew 10 years older in 2, which is not nearly as bad as it sounds. Now reaching out to the real deal, seeing 40 around the corner (but not quite yet). HAPPY about it. I said it when I was five and I'm saying it today: I'm fine, thank you.

A general fuck you though, to all the people that have tried to step over me and told me what I was (not). Fuck you.

For the rest of us,

Amourx.

Just saying

So at the end of the day I went to see my boss to ask about a resource. He suggested that I enter a jello-wrestling contest with my colleague to determine who would get the resource. He would provide the Jello.

Just saying.

I am Semi Sweet

Good night

Never

I abused exposure to stressful events (normal work stuff, but stressful for moi as long as I don't change from being a dooer to a meeter - being a meeter is stressful when you think that you have to do everything afterward. A thought here - I could be a bit less of a doer. huh.

Plus all the insanities creeping back up.

I had something else to do before midnight for a friend - another intense deadline. It's done but I don't feel good. I had a lot of delicious rum drink that i concocted (mixed it with lemonade and grenadine). Now I feel racked.

Copain even came and left. It's too hot for him. And we argued casually, normal stuff.

I hear the rain outside - i love it.

I'm not in my peace, but I have 4 days off to find it.

Never let anyone define who you are.

amourx

Calm Down Girl

Calming down.

But getting hyper and hyper-er as time ticks towards the end of the week-end. I have so many relaxing things that I want to do - now! But I have this rush of tomorrow pounding and pounding, keeping me high and alert. Therefore I am heading to what would be my cabinet but is now a box, a bag, and a counter top filled with things. I am going to grab the drug, cut it in thirds, and eat it. No other way about it.

On a side note, today I did do a lot of nice things.

Amourx

Things for my Real Life

How about a quiet and peaceful post. I am back from a kayaking foray on nearby islands of Boucherville, and a bite at La Pizzaillole. Oh and 2 or 3 hours of resting while i listen to Hector Berlioz (I have days of classical music that I downloaded for 10$, I don't know it much so I pick a composer on days like today to see what happens). It was quite nice. Big. Signs abound that I am slowly growing wiser (this is my preferred synonym to older).

I am not doing this innocently. I need these long moments to de-stress. There is only so much that I can take in, and do, and after I get all like woh, I need a break.

I'm kind of gaging my stress level still... like even being with copain was difficult. I can't deal with it. hmm...

Tomorrow I have a bit of a project to write down. It's going to be good. I also hope that I will finally send off my income tax report of the last two years. I have no excuses. Well...

Other things are always difficult like going to the doctor in time. Things for my real life. For sure that went down the ditch the last couple years.

I had a thought about what if... wondering if I would have kids. I'm 36 so the topic is naturally one. Would I have a family if I had always had solid foundation, a stable and loving environment and general ok luck in life? I dunno. Maybe. But then I wouldn't be me - at all!

Honestly, just a good partner is swell enough. I'm way too tired for kids. If they came along by their own means, that's fine. I'm not going to force it.

See how life gets heavy!

Sooo I am nearly finishing my pills - a good thing. I think that my brains works a bit differently than for most people. I have a different appreciation of time, and am a very 'feeling' person. Imagine big fuzzy balls of feelings and impressions circling around you and getting in contact with you. That's how I work - like I have a feeling meter that goes up and down and absorbs things.

I rarely decipher things down to the detail. Details are blurry. Conversations are blurry. I remember all the words, but they are second to the emotion fuzz that comes off them. Sometimes it's hard to decide what to believe, the words or the fuzz. Often they are very distinct.

That may be why I am an introvert. Looking in someones eyes, reading them, and revealing mine. Quite intense for me. I take it small doses.

Amourx.

Hello Mellow

To my surprise, and with the help of sound advice from copain, I untied the stress knot and had a pretty fluid week. I'm doing new stuff and I like it - putting presentations together. Thinking, writing. Not too shabby.

I'm still trying to get back on track. Hello, rest of my life!?

Sooo... You know I like knitting and knitting things and books and crochet things and books, and I'm also interested in sewing. Well, I don't have a piece scheduled to be done soon. I read from time to time the knitting blogs and the writing podcast, and they sooth me.

I really want to feel like I am moving on with a creation of a kind and my home. I don't do much, I don't advance fast. Well hey, I'm me. Usually time warped.

Holidays soon. Happiness.

I think the only goal I can handle right now is to be mellow.

Amourx.

Ahk

Hwell... I've been attacked again by stress inducing people and situations. I DON'T like it, have lost sleep and it keeps pounding at my door by the hour. Again the source is clear and there is collateral too. A general Ahk situation.

Buuut I'm keeping the moral if not my mind intact. It's harder to cap off and pull out, but it's still the goal. Doing a crochet cozy, drinking beer, dozing in the bath and such is on the program tonight - but I barely can keep my eyes open after last night of not sleeping. This is so unnecessary and kind of sickly :(

I can't even make this post fun and none-work related. Hmm.

Another beer should be a good answer for now.

Amourx.

Heroism

Mornings are Grrreat. I just have outlined a very nice day, washed up the dishes, saw my future, shopped for outdoor furniture for my 1x2 meters balcony. I have incorporated two mailboxes account in my Mail app (a pretty basic thing to do, but I only just did it today). I have used Picasa to import my photos. It has ERASED all my photos from the drive and DID NOT save them to my computer...

Well that was not ok! But friends, in less then 5 minutes I found a free script to recuperate the lost data from my flash card. In the same 5 minutes I have set it up and running. The photos are now being sucked up and saved to my drive. I am very proud of this moment.

Off to do more fun things now.

Amourx.

I'll

I'm only trying this look - it's so zero effort! One day I will make one (effort) - to have a pretty blog with my own design thoughts. I realize that the birds don't really work with the Girl in the bottle at sea theme.

I wanted to say that... well, I'm doing well. I have sort of been uplifted of late. It's to do with picking up the right clothes in the morning, biking, the sun and the summer. Hair control too. Seriously though... I'm being very structured and easy and good on me. I lost maybe 4 pounds and today... feels like my mojo even came back. The pills were definitely the culprit here.

I just block things off when they really want to screw me (in a bad way I mean). I clock out when I need to and rest when I need too. A pretty good recipe.

I gave my mom her throw and we had a pretty fun time at the restaurant and the movies (you should really check out 'Dans ses yeux'). She was happy. Next on my list are socks for Chantal and sweater for beau. I'm doing a cozy for my glass water bottle. Simple things make me happy.

As long as the times are sweet, I'll be happy.

Amourx.

Falloir

Je suis une bonne combattante mais crevée. Je ne veux pas vous parler du boulot encore - tout le monde travaille. Juste que ça me crève quand je concentre tout ça dans les heures supposées.

Je fini la jetée pour ma mère. J'ai une bordure à mettre tout le tour et c'est fini. Je veux lui remettre vendredi mais je sais pas si j'y arriverai.

Je voulais vous dire que je suis déjà crevée et c'est mardi. Va falloir que je prenne ça molo demain.

Amourx.

Début d'un budget

Ça commence comme ça:

COMBIEN J'AI
COMBIEN JE DOIS

DÉPENSE COURANTES
NON COURANTES
BUDGET ANNUEL ET MENSUEL

COMBIEN J'AI BESOIN

LIFESTYLE:
Des voyages/vacances 4-5 par année
Argent dispo pour intérêts variées, hobbies, vêtements, sorties
Argent pour habitation
Retraite - haHAhahahHAhaha

Ça fini avec un esclaffement généralisé :)

Tea Bag

I am still flatlining with mood staying on the low to ok. Trying to out-think it (and not over-think it). What's causing this? Could be the reduction of my pills, the casual wine or beer drinking mixed with the pill reduction, could be the weather being something else than crystal clear and powder blue. Could be all the buried demons coming back up. I know this feeling too well. Takes a lot to out power it.

I may have to, cause I don't like the way I feel like wet tea bag. That won't go away unless I start moving my ass. I'm going to change my lifestyle, yes. Tomorrow.

Amourx.

Even what's relative

Tonight I am a bit under the weather as in down - but not much. It's a combo of the DRB and probably indulging in too many cups of wine over the days. I lay passively reading about a craft. Strange activity but I can image many people delving in it as I do. My knitting is on the side, I screwed up and it's too dark to fix it tonight. I have 2 others on standby nearly finished - does it matter really? No...

Maybe after a couple years of this schtick I should move on. That's what I'm thinking. It ain't that bad when you put things all relative. I imagine that I grab the earth, turn it upside down and give it a shake. There, all better now. Sometimes you have to shake even what's relative too, I guess.

Yeah. I'll come back to you. Just wanted to say, tonight, I'm flatlining. It's ok.

Amourx.

Tossed

This should be interesting and Rosé. I had a very delicious dinner of fetuccini with rosé sauce which I made. It included a cup of cream and a hole pack of feta cheese (for the twist) and oh my... it was that good and I ate it all. There was a dash of oregano and fresh basil leaves added in the end. Garlic pressed in it at first. That sums it up! Mium.

This was all organized around rosé wine. I believe that I am 3 quarters down the bottle and I have stopped, because frankly, I was tipsy on the first glass (good bang for the buck!). I stained my white couch with red blood — it's all in the washer now.

I was planning to draft something for worked cause I can say, it's pretty fucked up down there... but my nine to five caught up with me and I favoured the rosé. Everything gets tossed.

Amourx.

Lundi

Il semble faire encore très beau - bueno.

J'ai vu hier soir que la DRB (difficile réalité du bureau) s'était immiscée dans ma psyché, la vilaine, alors je l'ai exterminée avec un petit bout de pilule hier soir, et le réveil est tardif. Et je ne suis pas très pressée d'y aller (il s'en va sur 9 heures), mais j'ai bien dormi. C'est cohérent.

J'ai quand même bien réussi à la chasser en ayant le moral à la même place. C'est juste le soir que j'ai commencer à avoir les bleus solides; et copain était pareil. On est allé voir Shrek en 3D en fin de soirée - excellent choix !

Aujourd'hui je fonce et mon moral est toujours très bon, et le temps est encore incroyablement câlin. Je ne suis pas inquiète. Seulement, mon café est beaucoup trop bon pour que je laisse à refroidir sans être bu. Je suis cohérente.

Ce qui trotte dans ma tête: pour le temps de boulot, le démêler. Pour le temps de rêve... ma maison (qui a beaucoup changé ce week-end, grâce à un changement de place de meubles. Ça promet), mes balades, ma garde-robe (ben quoi?), mon sourire.

Ma petite parcelle de création, à tous les jours. Et bien sur l'amour.

Amourx

Basique

Juste pour écrire la merveilleuse journée que j'ai eu, comme. Ce temps est complètement fou tellement il est bon, doux, caressant et chaud. Je passe mon temps dehors quand je peux.

Café sur la terrasse au coin du parc, après avoir dit bonjour au roux du dépanneur. Bon temps. Bicyclette en haut de la côte, jusque sur Monkland - dure mais fait. Bon temps. Visite de Café Couture, tout à côté de Tricot Quartier, où tout était en vente. Je me suis inscrite à un atelier de couture basique, j'ai choisi mes tissus. Bon temps. Je suis sortie avec seulement 3 livres de tricots et 3 balles de laines (2 alpaga bleus pour mes pieds, 1 ruban en bambou rose électrique, j'ai pas pu résister). Bon temps.

J'ai descendu la côte très vite, le soleil dans les voiles.

J'ai fait un petit souper pour copain, bu 3 bières sauf celle qui est entrée dans la sauce. Écrit à mon amie... et c'est tout. C'est pour ça que la journée est comme merveilleuse, car j'ai fait ce que je veux comme je veux. On peut se questionner sur ma tranquillité et ma solitude en ce samedi soir... je suis correct comme ça maintenant, mais il y a quelque chose qui cloche.

Mais ce n'est pas grave, car je suis en combat, en train de tasser tout ce qui est mauvais et qui m'engloberais si je n'avais pas l'annuaire haut levé avec ongle aiguisé - je vais crever tout ce qui veuille m'englobuler. Ha... faut pas me méprendre.

Je voulais dire par là: une chose à la fois.

Et ce soir, le temps est plutôt beau et plutôt doux, et ça me va.

Amourx.

Damn

Des fois je suis nouille. J'ai lu mes courriels :-( conneries.

Mon petit écran

Très difficile réalité au bureau... vivement le week-end. Je suis heureuse quand même parce que je change.

Je commence à être mieux tenue, plus élégante. Je mets de la laque presque noire sur mes ongles, de la blanche sur mes orteils, et chaque jour je sors au soleil, et chaque jour je pars en bicyclette coquette, et chaque midi je m'assoie sur le bord du canal, là où je peu être seule tranquillement.

À force de m'imbiber de tricot, j'ai changer ma façon de m'habiller. Une jupe jamais portée avant aujourd'hui, m'a value des commentaires. Tout comme la blouse bleue d'hier. Ça fait changement, j'aime bien, car ça me protège. Petit écran d'élégance.

Ce matin, j'ai vu que je pesait 4 livres de moins :), et j'ai un petit hâle mine de rien (comprenez que je suis moins transparente que d'habitude).

Je n'ai pas tout donné à la difficile réalité du bureau, mais j'ai manqué de sommeil et ce vendredi soir 8hr, tout ce qui me calme c'est de lire le blog de stichywitch à l'envers. C'est une sorte de modèle de talent, de vie calme, et de vie quotidienne modeste mais vécue avec tant d'élégance. Il y a quelque chose qui m'apaise dans ces billets, je devrais peut-être lui dire. Donc je lis ça, peut-être jusqu'à ce que je m'endors.

Demain sera une autre merveilleuse et féerique journée d'été. On a beaucoup de chance et chaque jour je le note en roulant dans la forêt cachée de St-Henri ou assise sur le bord du canal. Mais je n'arrive pas à y penser. Je veux un autre jour à Plaisance.

Ce soir je vais dormir et j'espère que les effets sur mon corps de la difficile réalité du bureau me quitteront. Je retournerai sur les collines de Plaisance.

Amourx.

N'en déplaise

Good stuff... le week-end dernier à Plaisance. Oui c'est bien le nom et c'est décidé, je veux y vivre! Bon on était dans une yourte et on a vu une tortue serpentine pondre ses oeufs tranquillement alors qu'on petit déjeunait. On a fait du kayak et vu les rats musqués baiser. C'était totalement divin avec la chaleur de l'été.

Bad stuff, l'autre climat qui a plus à faire avec l'attitude des gens. Disons que ça pue quand les rats ont peur. Et qu'il y a une technique pour ce mettre la tête en dehors de l'eau qui consiste à y enfoncer son voisin. J'en dirai pas plus.

Car moi je vogue sur mon kayak au soleil de Plaisance, oui oui.

Ça me tirait un peu de sommeil et j'ai voulu écrire - je ne prendrai pas de pilule ce soir pour dormir pour mieux supporter le jour. Ya des chandelles qui ne valent pas le jeu.

Amourx.

Le Grand Embobinateur

Ah la beau temps! J'ai réservé une yourte pour le long congé sur la rivière Outaouais. Ouais!

Sur ma liste: je complète gaiment la douce jetée pour maman. Je ne sais pas si ça va marcher au final, je doute de mon choix de laine pour cet item... Mais je me plais vraiment à embobiner des petits gâteau de laine avec mon swift (parapluie?) et embobinateur de balle de laine. J'ai fait faire une balle par copain ce matin. Fun.

Au terme de trois balles sur la jetée je vais passer un fil dans ses mailles et la bloquer, pour voir de quoi ça aura l'air. Je veux savoir si les bosses qu'il y a aux 'increases' vont s'aplatir. Ces bosses lui donnent un air de sombrero (c'est une jetée ronde). Après soit je la défait et trouve autre chose pour cette laine, soit je m'achète d'autre balles pour la compléter.

Ensuite - je dois des bas à ma soeur Chantal. Je vais lui en faire un modèle plus simple que celui à billes et câbles qui hiberne. J'ai la finition à faire sur le bonnet et écharpe à Cassandra. Celui-là a des fautes assez flagrante, mais je suis pas du genre à défaire et refaire. Autre idées qui planent, chandail en denim pour le fillieul et quelque chose pour copain.

J'ai aussi un chandail en merino/soie qui m'attends. Un petit cours de finition pour voir d'autres gens qui tricotent (oui j'ai peur), et ce midi en grande pompe, je vais au Fabricville chercher du tissus.

Je m'excuse pour la tangente tricot de ce billet. Vous voyez ce que ça peut faire.

Amourx.

Making yarn cakes

With my ball winder. Hubba hubba hubba I like it! I have a sweet sooooooft light square cake of alpaca. And books!

It helps me go through this pretty hard day. I don't have my wits today due to lack of sleep, and I can't sleep it off, so I knit, drink hot chocolate, read knitting stuff, and make the whole world... relative.

Amourx.

Forêt cachée

Réveillée à 5hr ce matin, j'attends 7hr pour chercher mes deux paquets au comptoir postal du dépanneur sur Notre-Dame (ce n'est pas pour ça que je ne dors pas). Il y a dedans des belles choses comme un 'ball winder' un 'swift' et 4 livres de tricot. C'est Noël.

Je ne connais aucunement les termes de tricots en français. Tout ce que je lis est en anglais et les système sont différent. Je vais l'apprendre pour pouvoir l'écrire en français car je veux bloguer d'avantage en français. Mais j'avoue que l'anglais est plus simple pour les éléments les plus basique: knit, purl, right side, wrong side... Ya rien comme ça en français. On a plutôt 'tricoter une maille à l'endroit sur l'envers du tricot'... je suis déjà ailleurs.

Avec pas tout à fait 6 heures de sommeil derrière moi je suis vraiment pas éveillée. Je voulais écrire quelques trucs pour me rappeler des bonnes choses, car hier j'ai eu un assez violent stress généralisé et mauvais vibe général (raison pourquoi j'ai peu dormi).

Les bonnes choses c'est le merveilleux printemps qui fait comme l'été ces jours-ci et la petite balade de vélo dans la forêt cachée de St-Henri le matin. Ma petite demeure qui commence à se faire organisée! J'ai tout ouvert un espace bureau, très grand, très bien :). Pis ben, le tricot, les amis...

Pour les accès de mauvais sang comme hier, et pour mes rondeurs que je n'ai pas décidé d'adopter en permanence, me faudrait un sport. Ouais.

Amourx.

Rats

I'm getting all twisted in a knot again. Me who was so happy this morning, I hope it comes back quick. It's a bit of normal stress about new stuff and well, a lot about the backlash of the 'transition' and... a lot about how I'm wired. I don't have a filter, skin, you name it, for a long time in new and potentially dangerous dynamic, and they all are aren't they when you don't know them.

I may not have taken my pill today. Funny how my mood changes so fast and so drastically.

Management

I got ignited up in project stress, lost sleep, lost precious day time calmness, started to brood and was up earlier than acceptable today.

All that from one or two meetings. I identified the flammable source and need to nip it. I will, cause this is all head stress and it ain't good. No. I didn't leave last week to get into this one.

Ok.

It's Friday. I've launched a very neat, pretty and cool project. I'm happy.

Amourx

Appropriate

And tonight I was totally fired, all night. Dreams, what say thee?

I think my day stress has moved on to REM realms. It's very nice of it.

The Enablers

I was talking to a shrink about signing up to uni with two majors of psychology and a minor in politics. The goal was to get in the politics field and psychology was to be my way in. Now this all made perfect sense to my ultimate goal of doing something greater.

At a banquet I shared these thoughts and was encouraged by x who gave me the papers that I needed. I think I filled them out initially but he was the enabler. There were smeared with drink and food stains. At home I was looking for the third paper to sign-up. I think there was a spider episode. I went back to a bistro, perhaps a mexican restaurant, and people where dancing and it may be for me. I saw x's cousin who was so different to x: he was a traveler, artist, intelligent man with a casual air, nothing like x's pompous ways. He explained me how things went, and told me something about the papers. Then the line dance happened around the restaurant. Back home, or was it at another office or home, I found the third paper in a trash, x gave it to me. Then I needed to send it away and this is where the dream started looping -- you know when you have to do one thing but everything is preventing you to get there and you keep trying and failing and it's really frustrating... Anyway I thought I got a lot of it already, more than I can remember. There was another part where my boyfriend didn't pay his restaurant bill and I reluctantly covered for him. And another part with my old Boss who was trying to test one of his business ploy with a group at the banquet - in fact he was paying for everyone's dinner, something that he would do in real life (his business sense is a bit skewed, but lovely nonetheless).

I had a backlash dream too where a group of friends from my teens and twenties where commenting on my current weight. Saying thing like 'do you think that she would be able to get back to how she used to be?', and everyone saying or gesturing 'No, those days or gone'.

The night is for dreaming.

Amourx

Mornings are for dreaming

I woke up, looked out the garden and saw the sun sweeping over the garden. No one was in the house and I had it all mine to work. In the morning I write for roughly 4 hours. I use the afternoon to do more petty work things like networking, managing the advertisers and such. My kids come back from school at around 3.

Stop this dream. Kids? Garden? Not me, not today. Someday I can have some kids, but they may not be mine. I like borrowed kids quite a lot.

As for garden I have killed the only plan that ever survived with me for more than a year. The un-killable Sideshow Bob dwarf palm tree. It's still by my windowsill. I'm not quick to remove the dead.

I think that i am finally getting around many of my bigger problems which were chronic depression and impairing anxiety. On the downside I'm fat (ok, let's just say rounder which is more fair). I think I can get a hang of what life throws at me without dissolving, indeed without losing much of my mind at all.

I don't have a garden or kids, but i have that. There isn't much to do but ride the waves.

Amourx.

Dots

The sun is very bright this morning, coming in with shades off the leaves of the tree outside my window. Lovely.

I am... poised. I understand what I have to do regarding work. Get in and get out. Enjoy it while I'm in it and forget it when I'm out. A very basic rule that I am finally getting, not too soon. Last week I have connected many dots and the outcome is that I can be disengaged (in fact I must be to handle all the crap). Disengaged, average, punch in punch out kind of work. All good. Understand that i'll keep the same quality while i'm in, when I'm in, to keep me interested. I am anything but a drone.

Possibly the rest of my life will now take over.

Amourx.

Alpaga

Je me retrouve heureuse. J'ai repris ma liberté et mon insouciance. Je pense avoir compris les intentions de tous. Ça à l'air que j'ai de l'importance. D'autres n'accorderaient pas autant d'importance au boulot. Comme si je n'avais pas grand chose d'autre.

Mais voyons, mon appartement est presque en bonne condition. J'ai du travaille à faire, mais c'est bien. Mon énergie est haute! Est-ce parce que j'ai gravi la montagne à vélo hier? Et m'ai laissée descendre et descendre à toute vitesse dans le noir, ralentissant au feux orange quand nous étions deux à vouloir le filer en vitesse en directions opposées, puis continuant ma route vers le bas, contrôlant la vitesse dans le noir.

J'ai dépenser plus de 200$ pour le tricot. C'est un peu gênant, mais le dernier 50$ est pour ma mère, de la super fine laine d'alpaga teintée de bleu-vert. Je pense qu'elle aimera. Je n'ai pas acheter une balle de laine islandaise pour suivre un groupe en ligne qui essaie une espèce différente à chaque mois, car je n'en ai pas trouvé. Mais je n'ai jamais tricoter avec l'alpaga.

Je contemple un mouvement vers l'ouest, un petit changement d'air. Mais ne le dites pas. Et, rien n'est moins sur.

J'aime mon macbook comme rien d'autre, et j'ai encore rien mis dessus. Juste naviguer et fureter. Le trackpad fait quasiment jouir mes doigts.

Au menu? Yoga, ménage, repas, copain, visite de sa soeur et ses enfants, soirée indéfinie, musique et bonbons pour mère et grand-mère, voyage dans le temps, tricot, amour.

Je me défends de penser à autre chose, rien de plus loin que demain.

Amourx.

Pot au chocolat

À la fleur de sel

Fuck la semaine et la folie derrière moi
J'ai lancé un petit site joli
Je me lâche de la semaine et pense
au repos de la guerrière
à ce qui ne va pas
à ce qui dérange
et ce qui n'est sans importance
moi
le monde
l'espace
l'amour

Amourx.

Vaudeville Week 2

Yes, it's still happening. Not at the intensity of last week, but in the same direction, which is pulled in opposing directions with a boot at my butt to spring me out into the netherworld. Never mind what people say, specially.

You wonder why I persist - I'm following my own path. I don't even think about it. Day 1, day 2, day 3... that's how I count. I am not shattered although they gave it their best. More importantly, I am fiercely driven. And that takes care of everything else.

I will try very hard not to secure my position, but to keep my soul upright.

Amourx.

Décoche

J'ai le goût de parler. Tout ce passe bien -- je ne contrôle rien. Je fais mon chemin, et je laisse la vie aller avec les risques qui vont avec. Parfois je dois résister les impulsions et prendre du recul. Souvent je me fâche en pointe et ça drague dans le fond de ma tête, longtemps. Malgré ça je décroche.

Ça s'améliore, l'appartement. Ça s'améliore aussi les questions existentielles, car devant une crise elles n'ont plus leur places. Je suis toujours en paix avec moi-même et j'aspire très fort à le rester.

J'ai parlé ce week-end et je continuerai de le faire. Le reste du temps je ne m'ennuie pas, comme si tout tombait à sa place.

Amourx.

Ça goûte noir

Besoin de stratégie car je devrai travailler, manoeuvrer, encaisser et être impeccable tout en même temps. J'ai bien passer le cap des jours 5 et 6, mais non sans quelques heures d'insomnies et un sentiment définitivement désagréable qui me grimpe dessus, une inquiétude qui se fait insistante. Plus le temps passe et plus j'ai le temps d'y penser. J'ai besoin de stratégie pour rester heureuse, calme et neutre.

Côté tricot j'ai fini l'écharpe et la tuque de Cassandra. Très joli je pense. Ma mère qui m'a visitée montrait de l'intérêt. On est allées au musée, on a mangé. J'ai raconter mon histoire et cette fois elle me reste amer. Mais me confier à ma mère me donne toujours cet effet là, j'aurais du me méfier.

En fait, la stratégie que je recherche, c'est un moyen de confiner les pensées noires mais vitales dans un espace-temps approprié, et que je puisse aimer le reste de mon temps tel que ma nature laisserait faire. Je vais devoir me suivre très serré. C'est pour une bonne cause.

Les bonnes choses étant que je ménage mon appartement bout par bout, de façon très simple et factuelle, et ce n'est pas vilain! Il faut juste laisser le temps au temps et alors on y arrive naturellement.

Je dois m'encadrer pas mal. J'ai le combat très fort en moi, et je peux le laisser me mener. Mais je n'en resterai pas heureuse. Pour rester heureuse, il faut écrire, respirer, chanter, faire. Faire les petites choses. Je vais essayer. Mais ça goûte noir.

Amourx

Easy

Today is day 5. I have done the things right. I've have told my story to 5 close-ones throughout the week. I will tell it more this week-end. Telling the story and being surrounded by supporting friends and family is a very good antidote.

This experience and the way that I am handling it tells me that I am a lot stronger, calmer, and resourceful than I was in previous critical moments of my life. It's extremely significant, for the fragility and sense isolation of my twenties stunted and limited my life quite a lot.

I say sense of isolation because I've always had people around and some that had the inclination and patience to listen my stories in the worst of times. But I felt alienated and out of touch with the world. I may have overcome this now. I must salute growing older and wiser, or the pills, or both.

Speaking of pills I am on a plan to gradually stop taking them. Looking forward to that.

The Vaudeville has not ceased at the agency. At least it's not boring.

Back to today - what will be in it?

Well, it's been warm and sunny outside lately but today the sky has no colour. This is good, for a sunny day can be hard to live up to sometimes. Grey days are not very demanding, they say: take your time, do what you want, no pressure. If they are not cold or wet, then you know it will be Easy.

The main thing is I guess working on my home, making it nice. Feels like a mountain but apparently it can be done in 15 mins per day. I'm adopting this program, although I wish I had a little fairy god-mother that would do it for me.

There's knitting and why not sewing. I have a seed of an idea, and I'm letting it grow.

There's seeing more friends and family. There's writing. There's love.

Amourx.

Quatrième jour

Besoin d'écriture

Cela fait trois jours que je gère le choc, surtout en dormant, car les émotions fortes me vident. C'est un épuisement sain cette fois; un clean-up. J'avais besoin que ça bouge et je n'ai pas été déçue sur ce point.

Toujours dans le calme, je constate les enjeux. Si on oublie la comédie qui s'est jouée (les agences de pub sont remplies de matériel de sit-com), voici ce qui reste: un travail à Montréal, intégrée dans une nouvelle équipe, que j'ai accepté. De l'autre côté de l'Atlantique, une offre que j'ai refusée sans jamais dire jamais. La comparaison est intéressante, car à Amsterdam, le travail est international, glamour et autrement plus cool et ouvert aux individualités de chaque personne. À Montréal, c'est définitivement plus carré, lourd, avec moins de possibilités. Disons que les parcours sont tracés dans des sillons profonds -- pas mon genre.

Je ne suis pas prête à vivre là-bas maintenant. C'est mon basic instinct. Qu'y puis-je? Je me vois d'avantage à la campagne Outaouaise à tricoter, écrire ou enseigner. Who am I?

Je ne bouge pas vite, mais je suis mon chemin. Je retournerais à Amsterdam sous un autre rôle sans doute, mais encore, ça n'est pas ma mission première. Ma mission première, c'est stay calm and pursue your basic instincts.

Je dois dire que mes problèmes perso, disons de santé, me handicapent car ils doivent être traités avant tout. Récupère, reste calme, remet ton énergie à 0. Mon choix n'est pas sans lien avec ça. Laisse ton long fleuve tranquille suivre son cours.

J'ai gagner en solidité par contre, les autres ne traversent plus mes intimes fondations. J'ai du construire une protection plus fine derrière le mur, disons en soie.

Amourx.

Stand and remain calm

Surprisingly, I got what I wanted. This has been one of the oddest 48 hours in office protocol history. I am suffering dire side effects: headaches, weakness, that low pressure feeling. A normal reaction to the circumstances.

I'm not going to comment that much except for what is of interest to me. Suffice to say that I am not thrown out and seem to have a secured a pretty solid career plan in front of me. Nor have my functions or position been diminished. I'd say that my working conditions will improve, if all goes as planned, but not the salary. For now.

I'm not impressed by the manhandling. Pretty happy of my stance and calm. Thinking of one thing, but before i start, I need to remind me and you to never let anyone define who you are.

What I was thinking is that I am a considered strong in technology and I guess that I am. I don't try hard but it helps to know your stuff a bit when you're building web sites. I am a geek in a creative agency. I adhere to being a geek, that's quite right (what with the knitting and reading that I do).

But today I did a quick storyboard for someone to help sell one of my projects to Cannes. It was pretty good.

I'd love to be recognized for that, but in an agency swarming with artists, they really won't be looking.

That's where you have to work hard at not letting others define you. I look at my old girl in a bottle blog... there is stuff there. Writer's stuff.

Don't ever let someone else define you. Just stand and remain calm.

Amourx.

Kouraj

I slept through the night! Good sign. In my dreams I was sometimes at the bottom of a lake out of breath, freeing something that was caught, but then I emerged periodically in a little spot for air, and returned back to my task. Good sign. I was also on route in a car on an snow and ice filled rocky mountain road where we inevitably capsized. But there was enough food and things to do to take care of everyone. I'm not without resources.

Talked to my beau who is enraged, I tried to calm him down. He has the most devious ways of getting back at people and was not short on advice, but I couldn't take it. I don't operate that way. I need to stay calm and do what feels right. Day one, take it in, reflect.

That's not how my firm operates. My own calmness can be called idiocy or courage. I call it courage, ultimate courage where you stand to lose everything, but you still stand.

Today is day two and I have an appointment at the notary in the morning. In the afternoon, I'm hoping to have my evaluation for my past year of work. It's been scheduled for a long time. I hope that they will do the right thing and give it to me straight. I wonder if I will be questioned some more, and if I will be listened too. This is what I am hanging onto for day 2, both idiocy and courage.

I am calm and have my wits together. All good.

Amourx.

Let come and go

It was the first option. The wanted to talk about terminating my work for them. Then they didn't, because they asked me what I wanted, and I said I wanted to keep working there in Montreal. They said there may not be work, they'd get back to me. Does it matter that there is work? Of course not.

The office protocol talk really blows my brains. I don't know what was the best answer, it wasn't what they wanted or expected. I saw that my answers pissed her off sometimes. You wonder what are you supposed to say, but... there is no right answer. Not immediately. I completely understood that I was let go until she turned it around into protocoly next steps talk. I wholly understood that I am not wanted. The Montreal company doesn't want me, not just my direct report.

That's too bad. There really is no solid grounds for this if we have to go that way; there's been a whole lot of silence from my Montreal direct report. Silence can kill but it can't be used in an argument. We may have spent 2 hours talking in the last year. There has been no warning, no previous complaints, talk, nothing. Issues were blurted out for the first time right there on the spot, but, she was getting ahead of herself, this was a work termination/what do I want talk. The issues talk would come next I suppose. They tend to prefer impact over good order.

Silence has told me a lot in the past year, but that's all there ever was. In fact, it's only because I freed myself from Amsterdam projects that there is this talk.

You try to draw a line between the truth and what matters.

I wonder what someone with good office protocol skills would do? I wonder if tactically I should say yes, lets terminate this. Am I losing good termination conditions if I make it more difficult for them? I seriously wondered for a moment, what was the best thing to do if I was smart.

It's still too fresh but needless to say I very much prefer to call my own shots. Today I know that I do like my work and the people that surround my work (and they like me too), and that I don't have to mind very much at the rational that will be given to me. It should not hurt so much, and creates a good momentum. Good. I have a lot of thoughts to let come and go.

Amourx.

New

Well, things are getting new and I like it. For one thing, I'm typing on a brand new macbook pro on the backlit keyboard. PURE bliss, words cannot say but this tool is bounds away from where I was tool wise, and I dare say it will take me elsewhere, or at least to today.

It's 5 am. I'm adapting to Montreal time, yesterday I was up at 4, tomorrow it will be 6. The weather is lovely.

Today I have a 15 minute meeting with the general director about my development. It can go three ways: I'm out, I'm 'developing', or nothing changes. The latter would be the most disappointing.

The mood is good. I'm hoping for good changes at work. I had a blast in Amsterdam, what great people we have there! Happy to be back at home, ready to start cleaning it (ha!), got my knit picks needle set, coffee is on the brew.

What else can I say.

Amourx.

Honor my 36

I am enjoying the morning quality very much. The light here is definitly bright and soft. I'm lucky to be here and in it.

I just finished my practice scarf. I call it that because I invented it for several good reasons, and I must say that it is beautiful and I would consider it edible, or definitly sleep-with material. It keeps visible signs of learning, thoughts, rythme, tension change and hasard. A keeper.

The week was hard on the body as I got used to this time zone, but otherwise it's going smoothly and lovely. I did not, ever, go out and drink tons and bike drunk and sleep in til way late. This is a first. I think it's good for me, makes me honor my 36.

Way better job opportunity here then at home and a door open to move in permanently. It's a lot more interesting when it's sunny, I admit. A bit strange, but good, that all the collegues hang out and are intimate friends too. It's easy to blend in right away. My feral nature though sometimes screams for Alone time! I'm giving it to her now.

There is nothing more -

Amourx.

Sun

I'm happy - in Amsterdam,feels like a second home, with... no real new stress. It's probably the first time that I come here without questions, and without a self enflicted pressure to sort out my life and 'survive or be doomed' mental attitude fuck-up. Feels nice, and it's sunny too.

Amourx.

Cruise

Mornings are better than nights.

This morning, it is as dark as any november day. It will probably pour.

Sooo to calm my anxieties, I'm opting to cruise work and worry about personal items instead.

I finished my beautiful, first, sweater and am surprised that it fits and damn well it does too! Ha!

It's merino and kid mohair orgasmic cocoon wool, in Bilberry colour. It is scrumptious and elegant and comfy and soft and lustrous has a huge halo of mohair that sheds like crazy. It's a big sweater too, with big stitches. Love it.

Some defects in it, but nothing I would care about except maybe the dye lot change demarcation. The color changed slightly when I started from a new batch of yarn, part of one side looks a bit faded :(. I hope this evens out in washing but probably not. I will still wear it proudly.

This is digression... I meant to say that to calm me, I'm screwing work completely in my head. That voice? Dead to me.

Keeping up with my energy level, my own happiness and needs. The little sting of loneliness. Listening, making the most of it - that's my route.

Amourx.

Why am i scared?

Why?

Go Better

I am starting to understand my new found passion for knitting, it is a very good outlet for anxiety.

In the past 2 years or so I have grown into a strong woman, I think, with the fending off of the depression, taking ownership of my first very own home, making my mark in my profession of the moment, and keeping it together generally.

At some point I became to be less anxious, but it comes and goes as you know. I think it's less external than before, but if I pay attention, it's still there.

Know I am at a crux where I need to change something significant in my life, like a career or a relationship or both and well, there is anxiety. There is also nagging inner voices designed to trample me all over. Guilty this and shameful that sort of voices. Those useless words that do so much work in me. And myself becoming a tapestry in hostile territory.

With that going on I'd say we are dealing with a bit of fear, therefore anxiety. Nothing out of the ordinary - it doesn't hurt, i barely am aware of it. I have a good buffer.

What's interesting in the feral kateri today is that I am calmed by knitting. It's a self contained, hypnotizing world of interlocking loops that I repeat over and over and over... There is enough rapture for knitting on the internets to keep anyone fed for more than a couple of lifetimes each. But for me it is still an easy and limited art (not in a bad way; but you wouldn't suffer from knitter's block, you know), quite pleasant to do.

I can gauge at how anxious I am by the intensity at which I read, listen, learn, shop and knit wool. I'm pretty anxious.

It does dawn at me that this is a grandmotherly activity and I don't have a single friend that knits. I have wondered if I am aging precociously, because my insides aren't behaving like they used too. Not that the two are necessarily correlated. There is also this hint of Asperger syndrom-like quality that I have, that goes well with the shutting down and repeating over and over and over and over... Something to go to where I don't have to think.

How go I, then? I guess not greatly, but I insist that as long as I am here poised with not a hint of a tear in my eye, I'm good.

But I would like to go better, soon ;) so I am making it happen.

Amourx.

Point

Oddly, my main issue at work was resolved today. I'm still digesting it but it can only be better, think I. Unless something very unexpected happens.

Well I have to admit that this week I have been laying low to have the luxury of a 9 to 5 week without much going on. I notice how hard it is. I have this reflex to be the irreplaceable one, consequently I've been working like a dog for too long. This totally goes against my grain, because I'm also a bohemian at heart that never felt at home in an institution (but I tend to hang around loose ones) and prefer to be idle for long period of times. I'm no work horse, never was.

Is this what being bipolar means? Can you be both poles at the same time? (By the way, if you're wondering, I'm not. That's not my box).

So it's hard to resist the urge to break the momentum of spending one week with normal to low work load, but it feels damn good! And I can tell it's doing me a lot of good, hence to everyone around me, right? I could maybe do 2 of those weeks...

Now I still have the strange but true knitting passion. I read it, I crave it, I listen to podcasts on it when I can't read it. I am longing for the beautiful sock needle kit I saw at the shop nearby, or any other knitting related things. I'm trying to knit my sweater real fast to get onto other things.

Anyway, I had a point which is, forget everything I ever said in this blog. I am not going to scheme up a plan to turn my life around. I am not going to seek for answers, help, or a divine intervention to get my out of any misery that I occasionnaly feel (but not today). I'm not even going to make a list!

I can see that all i have to do, is what I want. Like today, I want to knit. Just do what comes, and let it happen.

Oh side note, I was going to fix my variable mortgage this week but I missed the low rates by half a day! The difference is pretty huge. Mildly depressing it is.

Amourx.

Discreet

I have a bit of an empty state of mind now. I have energy today, finally. I'm going to work. I'm thinking about another life, but this one might do. The present is bleak in some ways, and I'm sorry that I can't say more, even if there is no readers around most of the time. I've always been discreet.

Onwards.

Amour

Aujourd'hui

Enfin un samedi pas malade, soleil, café et tranquilité. Je ne peux plus marcher de mon bureau à la porte extérieur, mais c'est mon idiosyncratie mignone et héréditaire, laisser des choses dans le chemin.

Je me suis fait une liste, mais sans grande pression. Elle n'est pas très épeurante d'ailleurs. Elle sert plus à me détendre. Il n'y a pas de grands schèmes de carrière et de vie dedans. Je vais voir ce que je peux faire avec un niveau d'énergie neutre. Soit.

Je vais à une fête en invitée distante - connaissance du fiancé via son ex-femme, une amie de longue date, et de la fiancée car elle enseigne à mon nouveau centre de yoga. Ça me fait voir du monde de mon quartier et me rapprochera de ce centre que j'aime bien. J'y ai invité mon chum et mon viel ex, et je dois emmener un plat.

Bien que mes cellules veulent rejeter une telle aventure dans un terrain insolite, où je vais sortir en tant que moi-même vers du monde qui ne savent pas que j'existe (et qui ne s'en font pas), je sais que je dois y aller et que ça sera bien et bon. C'est une des rares fois où ma tête est plus sage que mon corps.

Café sans lait (mais avec sirop d'érable) no.2, lecture du blog de Yarn Harlot (j'en suis à Octobre 2005) et petite sortie en vélo.

Voici la liste, pour qui sa intéresse:

Un-piling the clothes
papiers enlevés
vaiselles, traineries
coup d'aspirateur

Start moving furniture
get big iron board
get stack dryer rack

petit coin couture
Amour
Amour.

Knitting boook
knitting shampoo
Knitting pretty gear
Make a blocker's board

medical insurance claim
schedule doctor, notary, amour.

Changer est dur

Je suis un peu malade et ÇA VA PAS d'être encore un peu malade un samedi, gris, dans un week-end ou j'ai emmener mon ordi du boulot chez moiii oh non!!!

hmpf. À ce rythme, je vais mourir comme aujourd'hui.

J'y pense plus. J'ai réussi à remonter mon moral hier même si ça s'annonçait très gris côté humeur. Là je vais faire pareil mais c'est tout un défi de sortir de la Zone surtout quand elle te cours après comme une tempête et que moi je suis juste un verre d'eau qui voudrait être calme.

Je sais que je suis pas mal challengée et changer est dur.

Sur cette belle pensée je vais essayer de profiter. Fuck.

Amourx.