Girl is broken again - flat out on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I slept dreamless in the middle of the day, so deep. The rain is working with me, saying 'Aye woman, stay home'.
The root of my trouble is deep seated fear, almost unconscious. It explains the dark, bold stance that I take - the rebel, fearless youth me. But the predicament I don't control, i can't do anything about the uncertainties of my world, so I have to live with a deep seated, almost unconscious, fear.
Fatigue, body, life -- things I pay attention to now. I am taxed, but I am looking at the debt. I was too tired for yoga this Friday, I slept. But this week I did see people and enjoyed it very much in a relaxing, fun way, which makes me contented. I snapped in a yoga dvd this morning and did a routine.
Future life ripple. Let's see: there is still the writing project with an exclamation point due February. It's hard to see it with the little energy that I can master today. There is still the cross-country season training, happening at the pace of an escargot on an elliptical. I loved trying out the old fashion ski machine (and I have to work the hamstrings!).
There is still the economizing, but I tell you, i wish it would go down faster, the debt. I still love to throw huge chunks of money at it, but the bill is still high -- getting my expense account check will make a significant difference, my hotel bill in Ams is on it.
There is still the good housekeeping. Threading above water with stuff and dishes and clothes returning to their place after use. Love to cook and bring my lunch to work on occasions. Got the bench and the table propped up and they are a wonder in their place. Seeing other things waiting to be installed, all in time (and specially in energy). Not spending that much I think.
Oh and one big realization that my own 'mojo', my own animality, sensuality, fire... it's been bottled up real tight a good while back. I've been looking and it's not there. Not good. Something happened to it and I have to get back in touch. Gonna go back there and get it, wish me luck.
Better get well rested now.
Amourx.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Don de Dieu
C'est la bière que je bois tandis que je fais descendre les émotions du jours. Devrait pas m'affecter mais je serai toujours un vaisseau spongieux. La première chose c'est la fatigue, je pense, et le poids, je pense. Car je ne suis pas certaine. Je lis un livre sur la fatigue persistante, donc assurément j'en ai les symptômes. Spongieuse je suis.
En fait il y a beaucoup de choses devant la fatigue, le poids et les émotions du jour. Il y a le calme qui m'habite depuis que j'ai quelques fondations (mais pas d'empire). Le calme avec mon copain. Les amitiés qui me prennent telle quelle. Mon petit royaume, les visites, l'automne. Ça va assurément bien.
J'ai reçu quelques tirs de travers aujourd'hui - mais cette fois je sais quoi faire: rien. N'empêche que c'est blessant, l'hostilité qui se renifle à plein nez, personnelle. Pour si peu que j'ai du mal à comprendre, sauf que je dois faire tapisserie et surtout ne pas embêter personne. Bon, ça je sais faire. Mais j'irai pas représenter le peuple qui jappe avec ça.
Ensuite, c'est que, il y a bien d'autre chose devant ça. Je me répète mais je respire, étendue sur un matelas. Et je me remets à bouger lentement - le corps sera content. Et je voulais écrire, ça, ça n'est pas arriver cette semaine.
Euf... finalement, je ne me remonte pas vraiment. Je reviendrai, vais me détendre ailleurs.
amourx.
En fait il y a beaucoup de choses devant la fatigue, le poids et les émotions du jour. Il y a le calme qui m'habite depuis que j'ai quelques fondations (mais pas d'empire). Le calme avec mon copain. Les amitiés qui me prennent telle quelle. Mon petit royaume, les visites, l'automne. Ça va assurément bien.
J'ai reçu quelques tirs de travers aujourd'hui - mais cette fois je sais quoi faire: rien. N'empêche que c'est blessant, l'hostilité qui se renifle à plein nez, personnelle. Pour si peu que j'ai du mal à comprendre, sauf que je dois faire tapisserie et surtout ne pas embêter personne. Bon, ça je sais faire. Mais j'irai pas représenter le peuple qui jappe avec ça.
Ensuite, c'est que, il y a bien d'autre chose devant ça. Je me répète mais je respire, étendue sur un matelas. Et je me remets à bouger lentement - le corps sera content. Et je voulais écrire, ça, ça n'est pas arriver cette semaine.
Euf... finalement, je ne me remonte pas vraiment. Je reviendrai, vais me détendre ailleurs.
amourx.
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Road
Ooooh lets see now. Stuff is happening in a small way, a very small invisible way. Like, I'm breathing every fortnight, lying on my mat or on my bed, figuring it out. Deceptively simple, and probably effective. I went to one yoga class, and it did me good. A slow yoga class for heavy old hollow bones with lots of wind (that wasn't in the class description). I was used to performance yoga before, hot yoga, power yoga -- I can sense the great Google algorithm starting to crunch on those terms as I type them, ready to spit them back out in my ad slot down left -- I had forgotten that yoga is way different when you don't try so hard. Deceptively simple.
Its a pay-as-you-can or want community class too. Bonus! I'm killing two birds with that one.
I returned to the gym today for a fitness test that I failed (I didn't get the parameters right, don't laugh). I'm cooking too -- good stuff. You may not want to hear about all that good housekeeping nonesense, but hey. It pays.
I've had friends over for dinner - first time in years. I told you this was deceptively simple. Yet... you see where I'm going; it's probably big. I cooked my first tenderloin on the spot in front of my hungry waiting friends, had a casserole explode on top of the range, salvaged the meat and cooked it to perfection - ha! America's got talent. The mustard sauce? I switched the cream for the yogurt and it worked beautifully. Double ha!
Reading about 5 books. Learning that feeling Powerless makes you act Forceful. And it can also make you act resigned. Learning that these feelings eat up on energy. Seeing that I am one tired soul. And I am here for the road.
Amourx.
Its a pay-as-you-can or want community class too. Bonus! I'm killing two birds with that one.
I returned to the gym today for a fitness test that I failed (I didn't get the parameters right, don't laugh). I'm cooking too -- good stuff. You may not want to hear about all that good housekeeping nonesense, but hey. It pays.
I've had friends over for dinner - first time in years. I told you this was deceptively simple. Yet... you see where I'm going; it's probably big. I cooked my first tenderloin on the spot in front of my hungry waiting friends, had a casserole explode on top of the range, salvaged the meat and cooked it to perfection - ha! America's got talent. The mustard sauce? I switched the cream for the yogurt and it worked beautifully. Double ha!
Reading about 5 books. Learning that feeling Powerless makes you act Forceful. And it can also make you act resigned. Learning that these feelings eat up on energy. Seeing that I am one tired soul. And I am here for the road.
Amourx.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Grace of action
My body, how I feel thee. Dark evening Monday of October, days of the dead just around the corner, rebirth of moi, but thanks giving for the moment, or as I read today and highly prefer, Grace of Action day (from Action de Grâce, en français).
Coming here to talk about my body, my self, my fatigue. I have had a system shut down but I don't know when it started. I have lived lot of stressful change this year if I go by the books, no need to list them. Well, where am I today? Tired, and still.
Breathing while lying flat on my back is the exercise that I can do. I hope that it helps both in energy, and in unlocking tension and complexes. I am so indecisive, that I can't steer me at all. What energy it would take. So all that crap, I hope that the breathing helps. I'm sure it does.
I have a fat Buddha in my living room kitchen. I always thought that it was popular in the West because it symbolized wealth. In Thailand, you rarely see that Buddha anywhere, they are all lean and much more composed. I dig this jolly Buddha though. It came by a series of conjectures, from my dad's house. It's a natural with the big Ananas on it's side. Sorry but pineapples are a lot more fun in French. Ask any kid.
Money hasn't been an issue lately, ho-hum.
So let me explain my 'system shut-down'. It's been a long time since I really felt my body from the ground up. In the past couple months, I have stopped all physical conditioning completely, but this is not where it all began. It began before I signed up for the gym and did the programs, before I rode my bike into the new route, and before I tried dieting for a very short lived period. I have a hectic life, demanding work, and traveling that has taken complete priority -- but it started before that. In all honesty, I was mentally burned out last year at this time, and I never took the time off to recover.
No regrets! It explains why I'm an escargot today, that's all. It's good to know what the bottom looks like. I'm not going to join into a bootcamp exercise program anytime soon, but I'm getting my head wrapped around a plan for the cross-country ski season right now, ya man. Slow, and steady.
What's bugging me about this system-shut down: sex drive has never been so low EVER. Everything still working fine and beau still tagging along and all that, but it's not nearly acceptable. As if I weren't physical at all, the body turned into a soft comfy pillow to drag around with some effort (I am quite weak too at this point, just opening a heavy door throws me off balance). There is zero physical feeling inside, it's off limits. Breathing is helping I think, I know that the pills are partially responsible for the weight and the zoned-out cushy feeling inside, but there are other factors--it's more subtle and complex than that.
Also, I have aged so much this year... This body is old, squeaky bones, flabs, gravity, boobs heading towards the equator, loss of balance and bones that seem to be setting where there used to be joints. And volume. All this in a year, it's very taxing. Again it's easy to say that the pills are doing this, and I swear that they are, but stopping there doesn't get me anywhere.
My tailbone is wanting to stick out since I damaged it in the back of a Russian pick-up truck, in a 9 hour road trip in Laos. The inflammation has worsen now and sitting hurts, maybe it will come out into a tail.
So, still, as a usual general life update, I am still maintaining my home quite well. I cooked chunk roast and such. Have propped furniture up (well beau did), and now, I'm making a sports training plan. Ha.
And that my friends is why I am so quiet and still.
Amourx.
Coming here to talk about my body, my self, my fatigue. I have had a system shut down but I don't know when it started. I have lived lot of stressful change this year if I go by the books, no need to list them. Well, where am I today? Tired, and still.
Breathing while lying flat on my back is the exercise that I can do. I hope that it helps both in energy, and in unlocking tension and complexes. I am so indecisive, that I can't steer me at all. What energy it would take. So all that crap, I hope that the breathing helps. I'm sure it does.
I have a fat Buddha in my living room kitchen. I always thought that it was popular in the West because it symbolized wealth. In Thailand, you rarely see that Buddha anywhere, they are all lean and much more composed. I dig this jolly Buddha though. It came by a series of conjectures, from my dad's house. It's a natural with the big Ananas on it's side. Sorry but pineapples are a lot more fun in French. Ask any kid.
Money hasn't been an issue lately, ho-hum.
So let me explain my 'system shut-down'. It's been a long time since I really felt my body from the ground up. In the past couple months, I have stopped all physical conditioning completely, but this is not where it all began. It began before I signed up for the gym and did the programs, before I rode my bike into the new route, and before I tried dieting for a very short lived period. I have a hectic life, demanding work, and traveling that has taken complete priority -- but it started before that. In all honesty, I was mentally burned out last year at this time, and I never took the time off to recover.
No regrets! It explains why I'm an escargot today, that's all. It's good to know what the bottom looks like. I'm not going to join into a bootcamp exercise program anytime soon, but I'm getting my head wrapped around a plan for the cross-country ski season right now, ya man. Slow, and steady.
What's bugging me about this system-shut down: sex drive has never been so low EVER. Everything still working fine and beau still tagging along and all that, but it's not nearly acceptable. As if I weren't physical at all, the body turned into a soft comfy pillow to drag around with some effort (I am quite weak too at this point, just opening a heavy door throws me off balance). There is zero physical feeling inside, it's off limits. Breathing is helping I think, I know that the pills are partially responsible for the weight and the zoned-out cushy feeling inside, but there are other factors--it's more subtle and complex than that.
Also, I have aged so much this year... This body is old, squeaky bones, flabs, gravity, boobs heading towards the equator, loss of balance and bones that seem to be setting where there used to be joints. And volume. All this in a year, it's very taxing. Again it's easy to say that the pills are doing this, and I swear that they are, but stopping there doesn't get me anywhere.
My tailbone is wanting to stick out since I damaged it in the back of a Russian pick-up truck, in a 9 hour road trip in Laos. The inflammation has worsen now and sitting hurts, maybe it will come out into a tail.
So, still, as a usual general life update, I am still maintaining my home quite well. I cooked chunk roast and such. Have propped furniture up (well beau did), and now, I'm making a sports training plan. Ha.
And that my friends is why I am so quiet and still.
Amourx.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Echo
I like this sound of the train - a vibrating, pulling motion far away, roaring softly with some echo-y reverb. It's grounding (a running cloth dryer can have the same effect).
I am hoping for very simple mathematical things. Like a game show, or a sudoku. Something with all the answers entered neatly in a box. Oh I am not one very rational, orderly person. But today, the basic, elementary things are all I can handle. They are reassuring.
I need a major recharge.
Amourx.
I am hoping for very simple mathematical things. Like a game show, or a sudoku. Something with all the answers entered neatly in a box. Oh I am not one very rational, orderly person. But today, the basic, elementary things are all I can handle. They are reassuring.
I need a major recharge.
Amourx.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
My True Best Friend
The dishwasher, surely. Oven-baked Bolenese sans spag tonight. Curried chicken mango salad yesterday. All. Good.
Amourx.
Btw I may well be Cyclo. May well be 'high', for as little as that entails in my case.
Amourx.
Btw I may well be Cyclo. May well be 'high', for as little as that entails in my case.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The Train
I am breaking in my new Apple keyboard; my fingers are having an orgasm, and I am pleased. This has definitely upped the writing experience to a new level of luxury and comfort -- you should try it. I don't know much about cars, but I know that Apple would be in the luxury car league, if they did cars. I'm glad that they're doing computers; much more essential than cars.
That being said I can update you on my lowly life: I am back in Montreal, loving it. I loved my Amsterdam stay too -- so all is good except the health. I have been sick for the last 2 weeks, a mix of traveling stress, lesser quality meals, biking in a t-shirt for too long, airplane dehydration, virulent viruses and such. I am still feeling weak or low energy, but have no pain. I am buzzed as if my medication was buzzing me, but I have cut my doses in half, so this remains unexplained. I sleep it off, and oh how I sleep this week-end.
Got lots of stuff on the table: boxes of furniture sitting in the living room ready to get assembled. Too tired. A couple of books; an odyssey of sorts, by our own hermit from Three Pistoles -- about a man whit 7 dogs and a sheep, quite like himself (in fact it's about James Joyce and Ireland and Quebec, but it's also about that). I just got another book on breathing, and one on understanding and taming fatigue. I'm keeping the breathing book as a lifeline for when I'll be down and depressed. The other one about fatigue, I'll read it when I'm less tired.
Furniture = a coffee table, two side tables and a wooden entrance bench (in which you can store stuff too). No interest for a year. Get 25$ rebate. Save 10%. I also found a lovely coffee/side table on the sidewalk. It's solid blond wood with a glass top, in good condition. I'll have to figure it out in my living room. That's my next thing to do. Set a place for tv watching and a place for exercising and breathing excercises. When I'm not so tired. I will make a mango chicken salad for tonight. 2.20$ for 4 chicken legs, well. I got a small cart with wheels to carry my groceries, it's fabric so you don't see what's in it, which is a good thing. I'd love to make apple pie -- that may be what I do today, depending on the tired gene.
Writing isn't too difficult though. Neither was cuddling with my beau this morning, and eating his famous French bread. Mmm three slices please. I never ask for the recipe cause it's his, and it's my special treat when I go to his place, which is far, far away and in the middle of Nothing.
I have 3 DVDs too, althought I'm not sure them shows will all be good. I was disappointed with the ninth episode of Carnival, season 1. Ho hum.
This is my train of thoughts folks, and I did miss the train that passes everyday behind my home. I didn't plan to take it, but I was happy to hear it when I returned. I missed it.
Amourx.
That being said I can update you on my lowly life: I am back in Montreal, loving it. I loved my Amsterdam stay too -- so all is good except the health. I have been sick for the last 2 weeks, a mix of traveling stress, lesser quality meals, biking in a t-shirt for too long, airplane dehydration, virulent viruses and such. I am still feeling weak or low energy, but have no pain. I am buzzed as if my medication was buzzing me, but I have cut my doses in half, so this remains unexplained. I sleep it off, and oh how I sleep this week-end.
Got lots of stuff on the table: boxes of furniture sitting in the living room ready to get assembled. Too tired. A couple of books; an odyssey of sorts, by our own hermit from Three Pistoles -- about a man whit 7 dogs and a sheep, quite like himself (in fact it's about James Joyce and Ireland and Quebec, but it's also about that). I just got another book on breathing, and one on understanding and taming fatigue. I'm keeping the breathing book as a lifeline for when I'll be down and depressed. The other one about fatigue, I'll read it when I'm less tired.
Furniture = a coffee table, two side tables and a wooden entrance bench (in which you can store stuff too). No interest for a year. Get 25$ rebate. Save 10%. I also found a lovely coffee/side table on the sidewalk. It's solid blond wood with a glass top, in good condition. I'll have to figure it out in my living room. That's my next thing to do. Set a place for tv watching and a place for exercising and breathing excercises. When I'm not so tired. I will make a mango chicken salad for tonight. 2.20$ for 4 chicken legs, well. I got a small cart with wheels to carry my groceries, it's fabric so you don't see what's in it, which is a good thing. I'd love to make apple pie -- that may be what I do today, depending on the tired gene.
Writing isn't too difficult though. Neither was cuddling with my beau this morning, and eating his famous French bread. Mmm three slices please. I never ask for the recipe cause it's his, and it's my special treat when I go to his place, which is far, far away and in the middle of Nothing.
I have 3 DVDs too, althought I'm not sure them shows will all be good. I was disappointed with the ninth episode of Carnival, season 1. Ho hum.
This is my train of thoughts folks, and I did miss the train that passes everyday behind my home. I didn't plan to take it, but I was happy to hear it when I returned. I missed it.
Amourx.
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