Je suis ajustée. J'ai trouvé un manteau parfait en laine avec juste assez de cashmire, juste assez long, juste assez seyant. Une petite robe aussi pour hier. Ça me rend bien. Tout ça chez Sissy Boy sur Utrechtstraat. J'y retournerai - ils vendent aussi des boîtes de crayons contés!
Décidément chaque soir est une occasion de boire et festoyer. Je suis un peu marinée.
C'est difficile d'être seule dans un autre pays et d'essayer d'être soi. Tous les repairs sont manquant, et il faut se fier à son intérieur. Et je ne suis pas festoyante normalement. Pas beaucoup. Mais ici, il faut faire comme à Rome.
Tout à l'heure je vais acheter de la laine - je veux dire des aiguilles, pour tricoter mon chandail (j'allais dire pull). La laine Rowan Cocoon... je ne savais pas que ça pouvais être orgasmique. Elle est mortellement douce et enveloppante. Qu'est-ce que ça sera de la porter?
Ensuite je rencontre le client à la magnifique bibliothèque d'amsterdam. Avant j'emmène mon lavage à la buanderette.
Je suis quasi bien. Je sais que ça ne va pas chez moi, même si on m'aime.
J'aimerais prendre congé pendant 3 mois, sans paie. Ensuite, je viendrais peut-être ici, qui sait. Il ne faut pas être malheureuse trop longtemps. Tant que j'aurai un lave-vaisselle.
Amourx.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Big girl
It's hard to put my head straight and know what to do, but I am having a good time. There has been a lot of partys, free drinks occasions that turned into liquid dinners twice! In the day I am a bit dazed, because my body knows that I should be sleeping at that time.
I possibly need to go back to my specialist, even if he's not but he's good enough, to make decisions. But first I need a break. I need to take of those pounds off and rest. Honestly, people keep accidently brushing against my boobs. I'm not happy. They are like menacing projectiles.
I think that stopping the night pill I was taking has cut back my appetite substantially. I hope I'm not mistaken, because I don't like being a big girl :(.
My beau is having a nightmare time in new-york and I can imagine how it is. I can't make it better for him. It's too bad. I do love him.
Probably I should cut down on drinks -- but I just got wheels and that is good for my body.
Did i say that the weather is sad & nasty rain all day, every day? Did I say that the shopping so far is good? That I'm ok, adjusting, adjusting, adjusting.
yeah, bleh, and all that. love.
Amourx.
I possibly need to go back to my specialist, even if he's not but he's good enough, to make decisions. But first I need a break. I need to take of those pounds off and rest. Honestly, people keep accidently brushing against my boobs. I'm not happy. They are like menacing projectiles.
I think that stopping the night pill I was taking has cut back my appetite substantially. I hope I'm not mistaken, because I don't like being a big girl :(.
My beau is having a nightmare time in new-york and I can imagine how it is. I can't make it better for him. It's too bad. I do love him.
Probably I should cut down on drinks -- but I just got wheels and that is good for my body.
Did i say that the weather is sad & nasty rain all day, every day? Did I say that the shopping so far is good? That I'm ok, adjusting, adjusting, adjusting.
yeah, bleh, and all that. love.
Amourx.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Imperfection
I am Amsterdammed again. Same hotel room as last time, making myself cosy in it, adapting to the night of sleep that I lost on the way, that will only get back when I return.
This time it feels known, my little work/rest/socialise routine. I'm understanding a few things simply by being put in this context, about my Montreal life. And also that I thought I was pretty good and stable last time, but today I know that I was down still and that I am better now. Interesting no? Even if I still feel mildly down, but clearer.
I couldn't help doing some liquid social integration (after work drinks). That is making me somewhat wrinkled today. Tonight I'm resting and hoping to sleep thru it (and not lay awake as I've done the past 2 nights), and after, 3 social liquid nights in a row. I will be good?
I completely stopped the night meds that I took, that helped me sleep. The side effects are huge enough to prefer the sleepless nights. I realised this when taking a taxi from the airport did not turn my stomac! It used to be the norm. Didn't realise how taxing and frankly debilitating that was. I'm sticking with the day pills though, smaller dose.
Got some stress poking at me, what can I do? Take it easy and be healthy.I have to talk to a torn writer who got the wrong side of me, bleh. Torn, sensitive writers, I know this!
Passive-aggressivity, i'm learning this, seeing it a lot around me and in me too :-/.
I am Imperfect people, flawed. That's it.
Amourx.
This time it feels known, my little work/rest/socialise routine. I'm understanding a few things simply by being put in this context, about my Montreal life. And also that I thought I was pretty good and stable last time, but today I know that I was down still and that I am better now. Interesting no? Even if I still feel mildly down, but clearer.
I couldn't help doing some liquid social integration (after work drinks). That is making me somewhat wrinkled today. Tonight I'm resting and hoping to sleep thru it (and not lay awake as I've done the past 2 nights), and after, 3 social liquid nights in a row. I will be good?
I completely stopped the night meds that I took, that helped me sleep. The side effects are huge enough to prefer the sleepless nights. I realised this when taking a taxi from the airport did not turn my stomac! It used to be the norm. Didn't realise how taxing and frankly debilitating that was. I'm sticking with the day pills though, smaller dose.
Got some stress poking at me, what can I do? Take it easy and be healthy.I have to talk to a torn writer who got the wrong side of me, bleh. Torn, sensitive writers, I know this!
Passive-aggressivity, i'm learning this, seeing it a lot around me and in me too :-/.
I am Imperfect people, flawed. That's it.
Amourx.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sun
It's not exactly as I planned. Training for ski season? Well it's Indian summer here, and bleak dark all the time. That's not an excuse, but, I'm not training that much and my health is semi poor and my mood is half down, half ok.
It's hard to be true, to get to that truth. I thought that I needed to cut off again; then I didn't. And I realized that I was ok with that. I can't handle a big cut; I wish that there won't be a big cut. I wish that I could keep flowing on my boat, and see the landscape change.
Then I thought that I could throw in some severe mix of trips to work in Ams and jump across the world. But tonight I know it's too much. Although I want to do a trip with my girlfriends, that, I really want even if someone will groan.
I thought I could keep house and I did, although just a bit. And my own food made me feel queezy once and I still ate it for 3 days.
My boss called me a boar the other day. Splendid atmosphere.
Need the sun, and not the pressure of a couple. Need the rest, and not the pressure of...
Now my house is barely kept. I keep buying things but I must say, my credit card will be down to zero in a month.
I keep to myself and people even notice. I probably do that to much, and maybe it's because I'm low. I'm always comfortable in a cosy bubble. I'm always too tired to engage. I can't even afford putting on a sociable front when I don't feel it. I just take off. I'm not mad, not sad. Angry, I'm sure. hmm
I cut down completely one of my pills :). I'm down to 1 at a lower dose. I'm not feeling for it. I wish it helps me get back to slimmer but maybe I made my time. Maybe I'm not so bad.
That's about the state of things. Going to AMS in a week, but I won't fly on a Friday. I wanted to go in the sun, too. Like to Greece or Spain but even better Indonesia. But it freaked out my bf and then, I can't deal with it. So, just going to Ams now, and in Ams, I shall see.
Amourx.
It's hard to be true, to get to that truth. I thought that I needed to cut off again; then I didn't. And I realized that I was ok with that. I can't handle a big cut; I wish that there won't be a big cut. I wish that I could keep flowing on my boat, and see the landscape change.
Then I thought that I could throw in some severe mix of trips to work in Ams and jump across the world. But tonight I know it's too much. Although I want to do a trip with my girlfriends, that, I really want even if someone will groan.
I thought I could keep house and I did, although just a bit. And my own food made me feel queezy once and I still ate it for 3 days.
My boss called me a boar the other day. Splendid atmosphere.
Need the sun, and not the pressure of a couple. Need the rest, and not the pressure of...
Now my house is barely kept. I keep buying things but I must say, my credit card will be down to zero in a month.
I keep to myself and people even notice. I probably do that to much, and maybe it's because I'm low. I'm always comfortable in a cosy bubble. I'm always too tired to engage. I can't even afford putting on a sociable front when I don't feel it. I just take off. I'm not mad, not sad. Angry, I'm sure. hmm
I cut down completely one of my pills :). I'm down to 1 at a lower dose. I'm not feeling for it. I wish it helps me get back to slimmer but maybe I made my time. Maybe I'm not so bad.
That's about the state of things. Going to AMS in a week, but I won't fly on a Friday. I wanted to go in the sun, too. Like to Greece or Spain but even better Indonesia. But it freaked out my bf and then, I can't deal with it. So, just going to Ams now, and in Ams, I shall see.
Amourx.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Foulard
Je m'ennuie bien de toi blog, et ce n'est pas parce que je cours que je t'ignore. C'est parce que je dors. Et je tricote! J'ai le foulard le plus divin qui soit, c'est mon nouveau dada. Un peu depress sinon. Novembre. Voyage sous peu, mais pas des vacances. Rien d'autre car peu d'energie. un peu depress, mais ça va.
Amourx.
Amourx.
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