Well lets see now - how are things...
The scarf is almost finish and it is something else of a wonderful wonder.
I am in front of - unmeetable goals. I'd say, I'm quite certain, that it has nothing to do with me.
Significant pre-emptive guilt and anxiety about those goals.
Losing control by the amount of stuff coming in. Unsettled by peers that i don't control. Almost remotly satisfied that in one spot, i am doing the impossible quite well.
This all relates to work, and if I would be balanced, there would be a whole world of support and work wouldn't matter so much, right? Who knows.
I am working hard around that issue and need to congratulate meself, cause I still like my new job. So.
Good things of todayz:
-the programmed coffee ready in the morning
-the dawn simulator when my bfriend is here and the first thing i see is his glowing smiley face
-luminotherapy
-the morning runs (!) with zen music, seeing the sun rise.
-the connection with something bigger than me
-the friendliness of my peers, of my clients, even
-the new knitting stuff and books that I hoard and love to hoard some more.
-the gov. job exam that i had to refuse
-the beer when I get home
-the calm
-the somber november days
For sure I have tilted today, with hindsight, about work, and I am calming now by writing, beer, and maybe by will too.
Thank you.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Day by knitting
Today my cabled scarf got mixed up. I only did a few rows and had to unknit a lot, I wasn't focused. I undid and redid a cable and undid the crossing as I went. I left this problem lay there, because I don't know exactly how to recross a cable. The wool is lovely and it the scarf is cakey (makes me think of cake). But I can't solve its problem today (I wish I could knit it on, it is as pleasing as eating cake).
So I took my simple but fine sweater and prepared to knit a lot of stockinette. The ball of yarn for this one is the tangliest thing and I also gave up trying to untangle it. It feels less like a logical puzzle solving task than a very patient and attentive one, but I don't have enough of either. I couldn't complete the cast on.
I am very tired. I let the sweater wool lay too. I have nothing to knit now. I realize I can cut the tangled ball and start a new one. Ho-hum!
So if this was to say something about today, it would be. Lots of issues, an apparent mess, some stopping of the general good order of things. All of these are true.
It's also true that I came home early to rest under the good light. That I am surfing on a chilled tangled mess.
Amourx.
So I took my simple but fine sweater and prepared to knit a lot of stockinette. The ball of yarn for this one is the tangliest thing and I also gave up trying to untangle it. It feels less like a logical puzzle solving task than a very patient and attentive one, but I don't have enough of either. I couldn't complete the cast on.
I am very tired. I let the sweater wool lay too. I have nothing to knit now. I realize I can cut the tangled ball and start a new one. Ho-hum!
So if this was to say something about today, it would be. Lots of issues, an apparent mess, some stopping of the general good order of things. All of these are true.
It's also true that I came home early to rest under the good light. That I am surfing on a chilled tangled mess.
Amourx.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Today
When I started this blog, it was to talk about depression, dysthymia, and how I progress in life with this condition. I find that going back to that subject today will be grounding. Let's do that.
I am at week 2 of a very nice new job. It has just been my 37th birthday (I find that particular number hard to digest...). I have had a sick leave from my previous job for about 6 weeks and switched job in the process. I was depressed and suffered from the climate at work. I went back on anti-depressents, started an exercise program, drastically stopped being interested in eating, managed to see my psychologist (I refer to him as my specialist) only once. And here I am.
Today I am still like this:
-I can't have a lot on my agenda. After work, even if it's been a nicely rounded day, I feel a lot of performance anxiety. I tend to want to scarf down some food (something ready made that I don't have to cook or manage left overs) and take the hole evening to rest with no activity but reading, knitting or tv.
-I still accept every invitation as a rule. They are usually a source of anxiety too. And I feel tired thinking of it. But it's a very good rule to go by when you are depressed.
-I'm still tired and have a weird relationship with food. I haven't integrated training in my routine.
-Although a new job like this is stressful for anyone, I feel lighter than I did in my old one. Even the anxiety is more easily digestible. I have to say that my role is a high visibility in the company. For an introvert like me, it's a sizeable challenge. The fit still feels natural and good.
-Thinking back, I'd say my old job was growing a figurative tumour in me. This got removed. No wonder that I am tired.
-My personal love life is an area that isn't great, but I always have a hard time knowing what to do. I don't know if I can handle a major change, but there are frustrations and a lot of unexplored territories. It's tough and probably is a source of the low energy,
-The anti-depressents are working but I may in fact get the dose up higher (like it was last time) so that the dark grey veil that I live in lifts up. When I take this medication, I realize how I felt before and how far down it was in the scale of livelihood. I am not aware of it otherwise, I am so used to it. There's still some greyness in my world and at my reasonable age, I want to live it better.
I am at week 2 of a very nice new job. It has just been my 37th birthday (I find that particular number hard to digest...). I have had a sick leave from my previous job for about 6 weeks and switched job in the process. I was depressed and suffered from the climate at work. I went back on anti-depressents, started an exercise program, drastically stopped being interested in eating, managed to see my psychologist (I refer to him as my specialist) only once. And here I am.
Today I am still like this:
-I can't have a lot on my agenda. After work, even if it's been a nicely rounded day, I feel a lot of performance anxiety. I tend to want to scarf down some food (something ready made that I don't have to cook or manage left overs) and take the hole evening to rest with no activity but reading, knitting or tv.
-I still accept every invitation as a rule. They are usually a source of anxiety too. And I feel tired thinking of it. But it's a very good rule to go by when you are depressed.
-I'm still tired and have a weird relationship with food. I haven't integrated training in my routine.
-Although a new job like this is stressful for anyone, I feel lighter than I did in my old one. Even the anxiety is more easily digestible. I have to say that my role is a high visibility in the company. For an introvert like me, it's a sizeable challenge. The fit still feels natural and good.
-Thinking back, I'd say my old job was growing a figurative tumour in me. This got removed. No wonder that I am tired.
-My personal love life is an area that isn't great, but I always have a hard time knowing what to do. I don't know if I can handle a major change, but there are frustrations and a lot of unexplored territories. It's tough and probably is a source of the low energy,
-The anti-depressents are working but I may in fact get the dose up higher (like it was last time) so that the dark grey veil that I live in lifts up. When I take this medication, I realize how I felt before and how far down it was in the scale of livelihood. I am not aware of it otherwise, I am so used to it. There's still some greyness in my world and at my reasonable age, I want to live it better.
Monday, November 1, 2010
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