On writing

I need to get back at the sensual physical world. Write about my fingers touching the keyboard and my head vibrating and numb. Seeing my shoes, my long list of shoes.

My nails broken and cut half hasardly. My hair straightened, oddly soft and long, thick. My face still feels drawn in and stupid like a chewawa after my 9 years old surgery. Both contributing to emit a bimbo effect.

Write about my arms feeling the work. The noise from my bedroom as my beau rises. My tapping fingers. Memories of me in a photo-shoot with one-piece. Write in french, write a book.

Amourx.

In the bullet zone

I shall repeat my 30 minutes recipe this morning. I rise early for this, have coffee, ok.

Not sure how to put down what’s at the bottom of my heart. Job search is still dismal. I have been barely able to dispatch some of the work, which is a big relief. I still see deliverables appearing on an hourly basis - I have never worked so much and so inhumanly fast for an account. It helps to put this down, because what we are doing is extraordinary.

Why don’t I feel gratitude about this at the agency.

Some people have sent congratulations and told me how big this is of me and my team. People that matter to me personally.

But I don’t think that the direction gets what we in interactive are doing and what it requires and can give back. They repeatedly underestimate this media to the point that we are still not making any money with it where we should.

At least there is talent.

And then, I don’t feel like soiling this place by mentioning something which i am ashamed of. But on a weekly basis, I get hit by it. Something that triggers me deeply, gets at my core values, and that is the best motivation for my current job search.

In this context I have to bite bullets and hammer inordinate amount of work while directing a team to help me while keeping things structured and manageable. We are called for 24/7. I am burned.

The good, then:

I’ve been exercising regularly by taking 2 or 3 classes at the YMCA and at the morning yoga class at work. I also cook and bring lunches to work when I can. When I am able to do this, things get better by 30% straight away. I’m not always able to do this but that’s ok.

I’ve been taking care of financial stuff. This is boring for you reader, but for me this is also something that makes me feel 30% better. Otherwise I am haunted by the feeling of losing my life to the unworthy cause of work.

Next step is clearing out stuff and painting in my condo.

I have social events here and there but feel depressed about something. I need to rest and travel.

Amourx.

Get Lucky

30 minutes of me time. First, coffee.

It is a good escape for me to look for jobs in other domains. I have been doing this since I found a potentially good job at my old University. I applied in catastrophe, it was the last day to enter, and have been checking my old answering machine (the one tied to the land line phone that I rarely use) and my Linked In account ever since.

The Linked In views did creep up from nil to about 20 views that week, but that may be just because I had updated my profile. The whole updating of the CV was a good excercise. Since then I have been frantically looking for other jobs everyday, but nothing came up worth applying too.

The reason I am doing this is that I have fallen into a trap at work, where i become the workhorse of new business, and very odd hours have been adding up. I am not having fun. Actually I have been feeling signs of depression knocking at my door. I stopped going to social events related to work. I am often gloomy, because there is a dark cloud in me about hating this situation.

It’s something I’ve been through before. I’m not blaming my employers, but I may not be the person to carry this on and be responsible for my department at the same time. This function is being mostly set aside, and this is also frustrating.

I have seen a job counsellor and ended up with a plan to start teaching. After 8 sessions I realized that as much as it does appeal to me, the way in seems like a stretch. The starting salary for a full time entry position is half what I earn, and I would be starting part time.

I’m not drawing a line on it but it’s not for now. I am actually trying to have a baby ☺. Just trying is a wonderful event for me. It means that my life has become full and healthy and rich enough to want to create and raise a new little one. It means I found the man who is with no hesitation my life partner!

But I am not pregnant. We have been trying for a few months, not very methodically, just letting things try to happen. When I get my period I get disappointed but accept it. Next month I will start thinking about going to the doctor to see if we’re good to procreate. I am 39 years old, he 38, this is always in the back of my mind.

So while I am not being pregnant I am starting to burn-out, which probably isn’t helping getting pregnant. That’s why looking for jobs to change my working conditions is smart and feels good. I’m wiling to drop my salary substantially, if you’re wondering, for a job which has normal hours and manageable expectations. Still the pickings are few and far between at my level.

Meanwhile my beau is also unhappy at work and has accumulated serious financial dept. Thankfully since I’ve known him I have seen him assess his problem, look at his situation and seek financial advice. It won’t be easy, but he is taking action to clear his debt within 3-4 years. Meanwhile, he wants to engage in a very demanding new career which would starts with a 2-3 years full-time or intensive study program. It is hard for him to qualify for this program so we don’t know yet. He may hit a big disappointing rejection too. We are not out of the woods. If we have a baby in toe, this will be something to juggle.

My 30 minutes are over. I hope I get lucky.

Amourx.