Silent Mission

I held my momentum yesterday, and I must of done about 2 hours of home cleaning, if you count fetching the groceries as home cleaning. It's not my entire house, but it's a start. My white Ikea couch has been vacuumed. This is a noticeable, Aaaah, improvement.

I told you, I get tired very quickly these days, that's why I let myself stop. I pursued knitting my orgasmic wool sweater. In about 7 rows I will be finished the back panel, and I'll be able to model it in front of the mirror, to see what it's like on me. Exciting.

Today I will do more cleaning, because it is now my silent mission that I can do without thinking, like knitting. Shouldn't I be Planning a trip? Replace that by: Writing?, Setting up my new business?, Exercising?, Working on my relationships?, Deciding what to do for new year? Note that all these actions are projects in themselves that need planning, implementation and execution. I must do none of the above, for cleaning is the basis of all good things. Everything starts with a clean slate, therefore I must clean -- no question about it.

I quite like the no thinking approach. At some point I'll get a cleaner, but that's for later, when I will be able to think.

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A group of dark knights galloping, charging towards me with their flagpole lifted, ready to raid... me. That's next week with a little bit of exaggeration. Stress, you know. I'm reading the Pillars of Earth book - it's a beautiful, transformative read. After this series, the writer would not be able to write anymore because everything else would be boring. He so masters the era, the characters, the rhythm. I am sucked in and will not come out the same. It makes me think...

Sure we have our challenges, but we are not periodically raided by civil war earls and knights, our town burned, the women raped, the babies thrown in the air, men, women and kids killed at random. Our lives don't really depend on our ability to earn a living, we can't starve to death, we don't have to provide for ourselves in the forest, we don't have to build our own house, we don't have to let our babies die because we can't provide for them, we don't have to bathe only twice a year, we don't have to wash our own clothes in the river... And chances are, if we are born in a certain class, we will stay in it without any effort.

Sooo what do I have to complain about? My life is easy and poses no challenge by comparison. Go figure. A couple theories: some traumas of childhood have plagued me physiologically, hence the persisting depressions, isolations, etc. I think that if I didn't work hard at fixing this, and if I didn't know that I had to fix it, then I would have a very different life today. And I have no idea if it would be better or worse.

But, these kids in medieval times dealt with multiple traumas early on. Seeing your mom beheaded, for example, or your neighbors burn to death, or having both your parents killed in front of you. These kids didn't spend their time trying to understand their psychological problems. I think that they just moved on, trying to survive.

That's it - we don't need to try to survive. We live, and are rarely near death, and dying for lack of food, shelter or water is even rarer. So we have time to reflect. Is reflection the cause of depression? Maybe, but I don't think that it can be helped.

You see why I like the no thinking rule ;)

Amourx.

Preamble

I don't know why I want to sew so much. I have to tell you that often, when I get an inspiration on doing something that I would like, I quickly turn it into a life changing course. I will design my clothes, sell my patterns, hire seamstresses, open a little atelier, invent new textiles with beautiful patterns. I have the name for my line, and I know the quality and the style that I will create.

I have only sewed one button in the last 5 years, but never mind. If I can construct something as complex as a beautiful web application, where 'beautiful' is a hard to achieve, and often left behind goal, I can build beautiful clothes. I don't doubt it.

This change-your-life syndrome is not unique to me. My sister Valérie has it too. When they buried my father, she wanted to work in a funeral home. She saw that she would know what to do there. Now she builds tools for autistic kids; it's her passion and she's doing it well. Both of us have had a gazillion real and dreamed career-change plans, and our years of preparing for a career are a maze. No need to find where it all leads too, we don't know.

Anyhoo, if I want to do this, no doubt I need to start by clearing out my home. My house needs to be dust free to keep the fabrics clean, and I need to clear-out some space for my sewing and knitting machines, as well as for my loom, my dress shape.. do you see where I'm going? I don't see ANY boredom in this field, and I know that I must be my own boss in the long run.

I am carefully leaving costs out of the discourse, because when you start counting money and years, dreams tend to wither away and become ghosts. I have so many ghosts already... Did somebody say writing? That's not a ghost, it's still a baby that I'm carrying along everywhere I go.

This preamble explains why I will clean my house today. I needed a powerful inspiration; I found it.

Amourx

Kids

Stopping to catch myself. This morning I only wanted to be alone for a while. I think that I am sick. I always want to lie down. I have very little energy. And, it's not happy happy with my beau all the time.

I had a lovely Christmas dinner with my family. Textbook. Skates, Rock Band, toys, books, tourtières, turkey, bûche, the usual crew + 1. There was not one thing wrong with this Christmas dinner. I enjoyed it and enjoyed picking the gifts and seeing everyone open them, specially the wide-eyed kids. I had a moment when I realized that I was lucky, that I had all that. A family is wealth, however satellite I may be.

I guess that I have been home sick. I won't waist these holidays with dark moods, no. I am quite neutral inside. I'm not a the top of my form on the outside, what can i do. I'm patient and forgiving with that.

Amourx.

Sparkle

Hey there. I'm feeling more and more christmassy, like a warm, oumphy, snow-sparkled wave inside. On the outside... I'm unwashed, unraveled (well my stuff is, all over the place) and unprepared (There is still the 24th to shop). Not that I have much to prepare. I'm a minimalist.

And, big news here, I am tired and sleeping most of the time, when I'm not working. Granted I have partied and specially drank more than my old limbs would like for the past month. Got it. Looking forward to 10 days of holiday, 10 days with no work! Ho ho ho!

I still have big plans for 2010. Ok they are a bit fuzzy right now, but I hope that they sharpen up in the new year. Escargot style.

I woke up 2 hours early but will manage to arrive late... Lets do it.

Amourx.

180

I should not be writing here, but I am. I planned to be at work at 6am, that's in 20 minutes, to catch-up, because last night after 6 I signed off and crashed on the couch before the movie ended. Eastbound jetlag.

It's crunch time as well, but as you may know, I'm not very work focused (which means that I may not do 150%, maybe I'll just do 110 or something like that - and I'll feel guilty about that).

Remember when I re-started this blog? I wanted to measure everything, my mood, my surroundings, my health... Now I'm thinking that what I should pay attention to is my self esteem. When I start thinking that I'm a lowly, thickish, stupider, slow, inept person (does Europe do that to you too?), never mind what I look like, that might be a sign. I'm here now.

On the upside, I tried to summarize what it is that I want in my life yesterday, before I go all 180 degrees again. Usually it's always health, friends, beauty, great lover, great work etc...
My priorities are always Health, Social (and I don't do a great job at that), and I forget what's third.

This time, it was all like: Time to sew (I don't even sew yet, I knit, but the sewing is coming), lover, writing, friends, taking care of someone in need, time to enjoy all that.

I have matured.

I'm happy to be back. I love my home, my winter, my bf in my bed.

Amourx.