A nice jacket

Long week-end and I feel guilty! I didn’t move today - I said that I would write and I did. Shit I feel a total lack of confidence and realize that I tend to lull it with a drink normally, but that I have no drink now. Not good.

My work called me on friday at 6pm and though I had the phone in my hand I didn’t answer. Guilt. I didn’t move today, guilt.

Me and beau made up and cleaned and painted yesterday and it was a fine day. Today I’m taking off the tape used to protect edges and it’s ripping the paint away and showing the old dark paint. I have to do it all over again after I sand all the ripped up edges. I don’t have good progress so guilty.

I wrote about 3 paragraphs to ease me into writing. I listen to so many author podcast that i feel that it is my mission to write or at least I should try. Then I stare at my computer and freeze. I believe I can do this and this is what I should do, but I don’t know what to write about. My thoughts get too large and I wonder what do I know? What do I want?

Inside I think I am terribly sad, depressed, when I probe.

I am so scared of going back to work it’s not funny. Guilt. I will need a strategy ok.

I wrote about a girl meeting a boy in a ballroom antechamber of another era, inspired by the Degas paintings. Any writing can help. I think I can write ok but it’s better if I would know where I am going. May be easier to write about my era.

Strategy wise, I think I need to prepare to fail. Expect angry clients, errors, etc. What is my worse fear exactly - crying at work is one of them but it happened too often already. What is the rest? Overtiming too much, I did this too. What else?

I should try to engage more with people and lay back, in a fearless sort of way. Let go. Ok.

I haven’t exercised in a while, I should do that, it plays on me.

Right now on this grey day I’ll take a walk or a bike ride just to go somewhere. Sweep clean my place, and continue with activities that are great!

Good things:

Family bday

painting

going to la Ronde

making up with beau

seeing my girlfriends

seeing my house getting better

A nice jacket

Amourx.

Sorrow

I had a huge fight with beau. He exploded in anger suddenly, critiquing my family of all things, then told me he didn’t want to live with me and have babies because he’s scared that i was psycho. In between that I threw a glass at him that crashed on the floor. Told him to leave. He was going to leave but then he calmed down and apologized about everything and went back over everything he had said. Even if we were making up instants after that scary fight, I wanted him to leave for the night but he didn’t. Today I told him I needed space.

Needless to say i feel guttered. This vacation was unplanned and i didn’t have expectations. I wanted to take him to Charlevoix, but even without the fight, the weather is not cooperating. We painted, I didn’t expect to do that. If it wasn’t for him I don’t think I would have painted myself. Turns out I like to do it though, it’s soothing.

I was supposed to go to La Ronde with my nephews (that family he used to critique me with insane accusations). It didn’t work out but it seems like it’s a rainy day anyway. I watched tv. I thought it would be nice if I started my own business. I took a hairdresser appointement. I have a rented a car for a week, I hope that I use it.

I thought I would start to paint the next room but I am suddenly very tired and sad. He just called. Should I make something meaningful of my day, my week off taken in ultimate emergency before I blow up and quit my job. Am I going to return more depressed.

I am in a sorrow.

Amourx.

I took a break for the whole week as an emergency exit. Beau is also on holiday, and I am feeling immensely tense still. This morning I sort of have an anger in me, I don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I need to be alone.

If I’m counting the things I’ve done, it seems fine. I exercised saturday, I went out sunday, painted, took my mom to dinner and danced salsa yesterday. Today I have a list down, shopping, choosing paint, cleaning, knitting and exercising if it fits. I also wanted to relax. I don’t know why I am so tense, can’t release. Is it because I haven’t been alone?

I sure wanted to paint alone yesterday. It was stressful to look over beau, for both of us. He’s too carefree for me when it comes to painting. It’s really crazy that I care about that.

I could go to mosaiculture with Chantal, or somewhere with her. Hmm.

I’ll take it in strides. The weather is beautiful, so I will set time to create, draw. Start by a great big smile ☺

I’m happy I’m seeing people, tomorrow I will go to la ronde with my nephews, should be great. For all goodness I would add Sonia to the visits.

Amourx.

Vital

Les jours sont très difficiles. Je suis devenue très sensible aux gens depuis que mes boss essaient de m’aider, mais mon équipe continue de faire glisser mes demande ou de ne pas les prendre. Les gens qui me font répéter me font l’effet d’un traitement de canal. J’ai quand même répété patiemment mais les nerfs sous haute-tension.

Je me sens comme une plaie ouverte et hier, habillée en lousse et en blanc, les cheveux relâché, j’avais probablement l’air de la patiente d’hôpital mental que je pourrais être.

C’est peut-être dans la nature humaine de rejeter l’aide demandée et je me souviens d’avoir fait ça à mes débuts chez Sid Lee, mais j’étais mal conseillée et trop verte pour comprendre. L’entraide est un besoin vital.

J’ai pu aller à mon cours de Salsa hier et je vais à mon yoga ce matin. J’ai emmené beau hier, c’était chouette. Ça change bien les idées. J’ai vu que l’université où j’ai appliqué est allée regarder ma page Linked In! Joie!

Très difficile de prévoir des vacances tant nécessaire. Je vais m’essayer pour vendredi.

Amourxx

Groping

Quickly once again. I am nervous about this week. It seems that I always need to confront things and people. I wish that things and people knew better how to align with me.

That was about work. What about me? Well, yesterday I was angry then beau did what I wanted which was his budget and we read and slept a lot. I did yoga by the evening for not moving much. I’m not fully better. I see that I am with a financially troubled guy who shouldn’t go on all the vacations that I am going to, that he even is going to. He doesn’t yet grope that reality or the urgency to change his course.

This is the first time that I am disassociating with him. I always love him enough to go through a lot, but yes change has to come too. Hey there is still a possibility of a baby this month. I know what I am doing.

And how to calm myself -- with vacations of course. Let me book them soon, go to Charlevoix, take him if he can. Oh god I will be paying for it in all logical steps. I don’t want to go alone.

I am not that miserable. I am burned out and stressed out. But I have a good home, boyfriend, family, friends, income, health and brains.

Start writing indeed.

Amourx.

I am angry. Extremely, very angry. There is nothing I can do if he won’t be responsible. I am not patient anymore. I will not live my life waiting for him to figure out on an incredibly random way, what he can do with his situation. I will not depend on someone who’s way of life corners me into his.

Of course it’s Sunday and I have the tension about the place I shouldn’t mention on a Sunday. I’m even more angry about that place than anything else.

It’s raining.

My insides are upside down because of a potluck party yesterday, bien arrosé.

I lost 0.8 pounds this week.

Amourx.

Shells hard and soft

Hi there -- it has been rocky, and I am not staying here for long. Yesterday night I lied down in the evening and slept through to this morning. I have more to do and will go to work next, this is Saturday.

Sometime this week I got help about resources. People finally getting that it can’t keep functioning like this with me covering all the bases. Since then I am almost crying constantly within. I had a hard shell built around me. It got harder every time I faced embarrassment and my boss told me to walk on eggshells around it instead of defending me, and I started to look for other jobs.

When the started asking me again and again what the issues are, it softened me up. I’m feeling fragile, hurt. I guess I am feeling emotions. I guess this is good. Meanwhile we had to deploy heavy measures, I did it. Makes me feel alone that I have to go and do that on top of everything else I do, I hoped they would help concretely.

I’m not making a baby. This is the week that I should be doing it. I’m 39.5 years old. I am miserable about this.

I am paranoid or maybe it’s true that people are avoiding me and judging me because they don’t want to be tied to my hell. They invent snob reasons to disassociate themselves from my issues, they avoid helping. They comment externally.

I am extremely enraged at them, at this. Sometimes i feel like crying, but mostly it’s the meanness of people that I see thru their avoidance. My allegiance is gone.

But it’s not gone for Edith, so I must put in a few hours now.

Then I will have a good day.

Amourx.

Peak

Quick write-up but I may need music instead - rock, big sounds, loud… Woke up late and it’s nearly time to go.

I got one interview yeah! And I will take Friday off. Applied to two others that I want even better.

Stress level is still high due to pressure but I am progressing well with it.

Have a lunch today, hope all will be happy and well.

Poor beau gets the stress of me. This is the peak of it, I hope.

I’m eating well, makes me happy.

Amourx.

As I am

It’s a rough Monday morning following an odd week-end. Work interfered from when I rose up on Saturday, and I saw things in my email yesterday that interfered with my sleeping this night. So this morning I am dizzy and my head is pounding. I meant to cook-up breakfast and lunch but I am so not hungry that I am drinking a light coffee and thought to write instead.

I did good things and missed some. I kept dishes cleaned, did some laundry and hand-washed my hand-knit in progress blanket. I missed the gym on both days, but I enjoyed a lovely bike ride with beau. We went to the Pointe again and I made a picnic and he brought rosé. The air was sweet and warm, it was a beautiful day.

I missed my sister’s suggestion to do something with her, and I missed my yearly condo meeting. You must know how cheap I feel about this. But I applied to an interesting position on Sunday. It took a few intense hours to write up my letter to the employer. I hope I get a call, even if I am not sure that the conditions would be suitable. The job itself is really interesting for me. I saw other potential jobs but they were a bit off-track for me so I didn’t apply. Still this means there are opportunities and I am knocking, and overall this is opening a positive spiral I think.

I forgot to mention that I bought a huge amount of groceries. Well, an expensive amount is more accurate. Because I skipped the gym I said I would watch my diet and I am doing that. It gives me a sense of control. But if you had watched my face this week-end you would see a worried girl and a stressed girl, like an animal that’s been poked by lab rats too often. Saturday in particular all good intentions were unattainable, and the day was oddly spent in a peculiar state of resting and worrying.

I still love beau and am happy with the place I am in this world. I’m facing challenges and there is no need to panic. Failure is acceptable. The main thing is to keep respecting and taking care of myself, try to let the chaos flow through and stay upright as I was.

Amourx.

Fast times, Slow times and fedupness

Today I understand that my extenuation this week could have something to do with the bbq night I had last week. I should make efforts now to limit drinking in special events - I am not 20 year old anymore and even then, I didn’t have the most merry twenties.

Yesterday I shut down, I only showed up for 4 hours at work and then I went home and didn’t look at emails, phone, nada. I canceled going to see a play with my nephews in it. My mom and sister were disappointed, but the kid I spoke to was fine. It was in the South Shore, a bit of a drive, and I new I wouldn’t stand sitting uncomfortably for hours, while all I want is a hot bath and to dose off.

I read almost the entire Smart Women Finish Rich book, as if I have a sudden urgency about getting my finances together. I do, and I’m doing it. Because while I am squeezed in these earning years I will get the most out of it - i.e. start contributing heftily to retirement savings. After that I have to consider and help beau with his issues. We have to figure out how we are going to manage while he pays off his debt. He is going to move in with me in a few months :).

I made an effort to do some light cleaning. Cleared the table, emptied and filled the dishwasher, lined up the shoes, washed the bedsheets, and hand washed 3 tops with lovely jasmine scented Eucalan. Smells great, and I will be able to clean a basket of delicates that have been waiting forever in my bedroom.

I haven’t eaten right in a few days. Not hungry in the am, grabbing whatever in the pm (rice, bread with cheese, a glass of wine). I fuel on coffee for the better part of the day. I see how all this plays up in my exhaustion and fedupness.

I did write some goals and values down while I was reading the book. But for today I think i should wish for a gentle one, a friendly one, where time pasts fast while doing slow things. I wish for energy and laughter and restful times.

Amourx.

1.5

I am quite depleted this morning and have only 5 minutes, to say that I love my 1.5 year old love. Turns out we celebrated by coincidence by going to the opera, and not by coincidence he brought flowers and bubbly even if it’s not necessary, its great.

Depleted because I am very much not pregnant this week and had a big week so far involving greeting our Japanese friends at work. Turns out that they are wonderful people, very sweet, down with it, super bright. I am very foud of them, they could be friends, and it turns out there is no culture clash but lots of interesting cultural differences.

My feet and knees are hurting because I bought a string of bad shoes. Read, shoes half a size too small. I didn’t think this sort of malady would hit me at 39. I’m down because I am getting too big for all my clothes, which were already bought because my other clothes where too small.

I blame work for depletion, for weight gain and for not being pregnant. Probably that isn’t fair.

But oh do I love my beau.

Amourx.

Free and Big

The best part of my week-end was… maybe getting in my storage and building a shelf and putting my stuff in it under crazy heat. It didn’t take long but it sure feels good when I clear off stuff and take bags and boxes to the army surplus. I like the times I spend cleaning and clearing, just a bit here and there. I did clothes and dishes, and light vacuuming.

But the bike ride to the museum was nice as was the Peru exhibit, and so was the spontaneous bbq on Saturday. Being with my love as always makes me feel like a lucky girl.

I didn’t put my nose in work. I feel guilty, or rather scared. Scared about spending the next few days with the Japanese folks and not being on the ball, seeming out of place. Scared of my team not pulling its weight. Scared of being tired or bored, and scared of the workload.

I think I have to accept the workload. There isn’t a thing that I can do about it. However, this week I have events every night almost, and I will stick to them. It’s going to be a year and a half with the man of my life on Tuesday, and we are going to the opera. I shall think of getting him a small gift.

I’m still hoping to be pregnant, I will know by the end of the week when I get, or not, my period. I’ve been talking about living in another place with a yard, living in a smaller town. Me and beau agree on everything.

Soon there will be more satisfying house clearing and cleaning. I am to paint a few rooms and get decent furniture for the stuff I keep. In the fall beau will move in with me and his stuff will need room too.

Tonight while it is hard to live with the guilt or rather fear within me, I am savouring a quiet and beautiful Sunday. I know this is good, I wish that my heart gets it too, so I that I didn’t feel scared but instead feel brave and valiant, free and big enough to step over these hardships without looking, face in the wind staring ahead at higher realms.

That will do nicely. I feel closer to the goal now -- it is really a matter of bravery.

Amourx.