Mudras

Heeey, it's been a short while. I don't have the inclination to write much. This is strange, but I also don't have much appetite, or the need to knit or sew. Well, those would be symptoms. I am getting out of the rut slowly and also taming the fear that I bare. Oh what will the world do to me if it finds out what a traitorous slob of sloth that I am... was what was running down my spine all day. Not useful for nobody.

I will see my specialist only saturday. That's supposed to be a short week before my return to work, but I won't return right away. I'm not ready and this is the part that I will defend. I'm awaiting some news but I expect them late and I am a little more ready to hear bad news this time.

I picked up the David Burns book that has a complete strategy to get out of depression, I used it before and it worked. I'm reading a book on mudras (hand postures and meditations), I am meditating and moving my butt everyday at minimum, and this morning I got a training program and I will follow it to the tee. I went back to my old trainer Patricia, she's great. And I had all these sessions pre-paid from 2 years ago so it only costs me 10$ for a day pass, since I am not a member.

I am not trying to bore you with minute day things but that's what is coming out of me. After my session, I went home, started to read, and fell asleep for a couple hours. Very deep sleep. It feels so good. I have a new rule of banning TV, it's the first day. It's a good idea. My mood has lifted this morning, I felt it. I am more neutral now.

Another rule that I have is to accept every invitation that I get. Well yesterday I didn't go to the movies with copain, but he's an exception. Tonight I am going to the South Shore for dinner and drinks, not too many. If I would listen to my ass I wouldn't go, but hey, I gotta.

Amourx.

Crepe Suzette

The pear turned up in an unexpected crepe suzette this morning. It was good but I am still digesting it. It's not an easy fruit to eat.

Speaking of which, I have got to shape up and ship out. I have been a major zombie for 10 days now, except for never turning down an invitation. Yesterday it was my mom, and we did the movies and restaurant thing. Both where good although I was less than a wreck.

It's safe to say that I'm a prey to 'what happens', to what I don't control, and my mood will make major swings according to what life throws at me. It's safe to say that I wouldn't feel safe turning down my career. I guess that I have to be honest with myself. The artist writer gardener knitter mother? yogi socialite is not me now. I don't feel safe with that. I need the hole buzy-ness to fill the void because it terrifies me.

How can I feel better and appease both sides of me? ha. well. I have almost 2 more weeks to pounder on that one. My guess is: meditation, outdoorsy things and sports, and also... I will see my psychologist and he will say that I am a nutter for choosing the career. But he's a grounding element in my imaginary fortress. He will be so brutally rational. And there are the pills. They worked wonders last time so it's sound thinking that they will help again. Maybe not just yet though, it's too soon, and my situation is to bizarre, to tell.

Off I go planning a session with a trainer. I have 11 of them so I will use them if I must pay an extra 10$.

It's mind-boggling what happens in transitions. I prefer to let it ride.

Amourx.

Fear

Remember the fruit that I had at arms length, that smelled like a pear? Well it fell off the tree and made a thump sound. I have been devastated all week-end and my options are opening and narrowing at the same time. I feel the void like a heavy weight on my shoulders and in my chest. I have this fear and a lot of mixed emotions to sort out and I hear a ticking clock too.

I've been good at staying active if not positive during the week-end. I went indoor climbing and passed an unplanned and unprepared climbing accreditation! Then I went to the mountain but not at the top. Copain followed me all thru it. He made some portuguese chicken yesterday too (I count that as a thing on my list, somehow...). I also went to the yoga class on friday.

A couple things that I can do to stay sane:
-try to get an earlier meeting with my specialist
-make a schedule involving seven hours of 'work' and sticking to it.
-write down and rationalize my mixed emotions
-write down my options
-meditate and calm down

Good things:

At least 2 more weeks of rest.
A healthy body.
Sunny days.
Friends and family.

You can't always say what you want

It has been a week since I am on sick leave from work. I'm sitting thinking, knowing, that I need to move on. I am a like a lady in waiting, but waiting for what? Is it me or is my life the most passive thing on this earth. Is it me or am I not happy?

I am not terribly depressed. Perhaps I should celebrate just this. This break saved me, I think. And the intervention from my doc, and the niceties from my friends, and... probably pills too but it's only been two weeks. They shouldn't work yet but with me it's possible that they do. I can feel my pupil getting wider. The main thing is the break.

So here's to that. I'm trying to get at what's bugging me. Cause I am sooo passive. I sleep so much. Give me no boundaries and I will find a way to walk all over them. Soo maybe I need a little structuration. You can't always do what you want.

I have pushed back on calling my specialist because I didn't want the confrontation. Turns out he was out of town anyway. Now I think it would do me a little good. I've gone numb. I guess the last couple week, even months, where hard for me. But something is nagging me now.

Like the life I wanted? The one by the water? (I am just an unfortunate train track away from the water). Believing? I think that's kind of gone for a while. Faith in me. The ability to change things. I can't even say what I want. Hmm.

What if I just rambled on about my days. They are not so devoid of interest. If the greater hours of my life where taken for work, then I would not have this void to look at. However, I like to look at this void far better than at my work inbox.

There is a yoga class in 30 min. that I could pop into. My ankle may be ready for it now. What about my mind. Seems I don't want to be in any thing that has set time. Is this backlash?

I'm happy that my 'condition' isn't bad and will only get better. I'm waiting for a call. I'm going to the class.

Amourx.

Pause

It's not exactly how I expected it -- all this time taken to rest. You'd imagine that I would do all the things that I don't do when I work, but it doesn't happen that way. I sleep a lot. I do a little cleaning, I do a little writing, I follow some of my obligations, I push back on others.

If I had to imagine my life All Better, well... I would be living somewhere by the water I'm sure. In a house with windows, a clean house. I'd be writing, cooking, maybe raising kids of some sort? I don't know if I would go all homey and crafty, or more outdoorsy. I don't know much these days. I'd probably do like my sister and run my own little thing on my own time.

Remember when I said that there was 2 things that drained the hell out of me but that my life revolved around nonetheless? Well, I have kicked one of them out and lived on to tell the tale. This is where I landed. The second thing well, I don't have much strength to deal with it, and besides it's going fine now.

I don't have the mindset to write, or even to read much. It's very different then when I was working. I would crave those moments of reading and knitting. Not so much now. I guess that I am disoriented. I'd rather go on a roadtrip, a long journey.

Not unhappy though, no. I'm happy. I'm resting. Maybe it's best not to try to understand it too much.

Music. I'd like to find some music for this period. That may be what is missing.

All good,

Amourx.

Hell Broke Loose

And it didn't make a sound. I'm in a major transition and not working for at least another 2 weeks. Turns out that I get a little bit paralyzed with all that time to spend at my leisure, but my goals seem like mountains so I freeze in front of them. That should pass.

I guess that I am also under the backlash of all the mindfucks an emotions that made me leave work. It was big. I don't know if I can blame the pills for my inertia or if I am more exhausted than I knew. I can certainly blame it for feeling so nauseous after I eat.

I took my bike out cause I needed it. My ankle is still fragile (the one I sprained a few weeks back) so I refrain from too much activity, but I can walk, bike and swim and I try to do that every other day at least. I find that I am trapped here in my wee place so it does me good to go out.

All in good time I guess. I will keep you posted. This is weird.

Amourx.

Pear Shaped Post

I think that it is too early to be up and to post. I still have problems with sleep amongst other things, so the doc gave me back my prescription pill. It's this or psychotherapy + lots of exercise. This pill-less solution is what I am aiming for, but not realistic given what's going on in me life. Also, when you reach any point of the depression cycle, you are a lot more vulnerable to fall in an even lower point. The difficulty to get out of it increases dramatically, exponentially, so its best to stay clear of these lower zones by booting yourself out anyway you can.

I have several ways. The hardest is to act on external causes. If you are unhappy at work or in love, if you lack social support, means, health, security, those are things that you can influence by your actions, but the outcome is a bit of a lottery. You can give it your best shot, but you can't predict the outcome.

But, acting on it will enhance your mood. The process can be hard and discouraging at times, but it can also be easy, enjoyable and provide the boost that you need quickly. It can seem daunting but there are very minute steps that you can do. Allowing yourself to rest is one thing. Picking up the phone is another. Talking about your issues with friends, sending resumes, signing-up for a class, finding a therapist for support, taking care of your health and things that you can control are examples of small things that you can do. I find that most of them involve reaching out a little bit. Reaching out goes against the grain of a depressed person (at least it does for me, I usually want to curl up in a ball and be left alone), so I find it's what I need to coax myself to do anyway. And when I do it, it's incredible how easy and fruitful it can be.

So I have done that a bit recently, and today may be bearer of a fruit. Smells like... a young pear. I am not sure if I can bite in it yet, so I will let you know when I can, and what it tastes like. I can tell you that I have lost a ton of weight off my shoulders just by going through the hoops to get here. Sadly the scale in my bathroom is not concurring. I still have the extra 15 pounds to carry until I figure out how to deal with it.

Other things I do is try to go outside and be active physically. Sunshine will raise your mood, just exposure to outside will raise your mood. Seeing great sights like mountain tops or lakes will do that too. Getting closer to nature is resourceful. Couple that with a bit of activity like walking, biking, running, canoeing, swimming and you have a very potent cocktail that will restore you. If these activities seem too tiring, how about lying down beach side with the occasional dip in the water. How about just walking to where you will sit for a picnic or to catch the sunset. I find that it helps to remove the ceiling off my head and to see far and wide, to get that daylight in my eyes and breath the air. If you live in suburbia, walking to the mall or around the block will work too i'm sure, but try to go where you are inspired by the sights, sounds, smells... I find that I need to see natural beauty or city eclecticism or else I get bored.

I am still not able to get at the extra weight thing, but it is always in my head. In the past 3 years I went from my normal, long-thin-with-curves figure to a somewhat chubby tall lady (I don't think that I will ever be round because I have a tall and used-to-be lean figure, but my face, arms, breasts, belly and thigh are all pretty chunky morsels of flesh now). Hildegaard comes to mind. I don't know what her figure was like, but I imagine a tall strong viking lady. Give me two long brades and a helmet and I will fit the picture. Expect for the strong part.

My self image may be skewed, I don't know. But anyway, for now I try to move a lot when I can. That's pretty much all that I am able to manage. The desire for a more structured and efficient fitness program is here but the time and energy aren't. However, I am not letting go. I'm a warier. I am not pushing further on this front right now, but it's not very far behind and my gear is ready. I am being strategic -- when you start a diet or fitness program, it will give you a lot but also take out some at first (it takes time and energy and is an adaptation for your body). If you already have a lot going on, fitness may not be the first thing to attend to. Of course that is very relative. It can be the very first thing to do for you and it is one thing that you have complete control on and that will give you a capital boost. I find that physical activity and good food lift my moods instantly.

There are other things that you can do that will give you a bit of respite. I am speaking of hobbies and habits - they take your mind away from the usual dark thoughts (your thoughts are tinted if you are depressed) and focus on the thing that you do for fun or that you have fun doing. They don't give you any kind of pressure like deadlines (it's not work), they are enjoyable. Where ever you see enjoyment, seek it more.

While I was writing this post, someone rang at my door. He had my wallet with its content intact. It spent the night on the parking lot in the rain. He was laughing and happy to relieve a stranger from the loss of a wallet. This is enjoyable indeed! I never even new that I had lost it. This has happened to me twice, recently, with the same wallet. It may be the boomerang wallet. Why I keep losing it has to do with the state of my head. I fear now that I lost the glasses that where already the second identical pair that I got because I lost the first one. Sadness.

Onwards.

Amourx.

Bleu Montagne

Uh-hum.

Je suis lavée. Manque de sommeil, terminé un roman policier glauque, visite chez le doc éprouvante (pas pour ma cheville), cheville foulée. N'empêche au fond de moi, un petite lumière, un sentiment que les choses vont bien, vont bien aller surtout. Un sentiment que je fais les bonnes choses, que ça s'enclenche, l'engrenage et tout.

Mais avant, je dois me reposer. Je suis en vacances (détail important!). J'ai vécu une merveilleuse expérience dans le bois, vue des paysages magnifique au sommet de la montagne la plus dramatique et belle. J'ai fait toute sorte de sports que j'aime: kayak, vélo, baignade, et un massage que je qualifierais d'onirique-transcendental. Et j'ai manger du homard... 3 fois. Et déguster du ciel sous le ciel (de Charlevoix dans les deux cas). Et il me reste encore beaucoup de dodos de vacancières, mais je ne les comptes pas car ça serait triste.

Mais là, je suis la-vée. Un bain. Un petit dodo. Je vais commencer à vous dire, que la vie est belle.

Amourx.