Pharmacopia

I am thinking that I have to revisit my depths. Spend some time alone, figuring my body and my senses, my envies and desires.

But first I must say, loudly and clearly, that I have found my true love, as far as I know, as far as it may go, with no doubt about this man and me for keeps. This was the third spoke of the wheel that I put together: my work, my home, my love. I have all three today, now, and I know that I am blessed. I must remember that this, too, shall pass. But, there are many ways of passing, or transitioning, or evolving, growing, changing, moving, loving and living. I am a happy person. And happiness begets happiness.

Back to my body and senses, then. I have some disfunction, as you may know. Currently I am nursing a cold. It's only taking me to sleep and away from work, as far as symptoms go. This may be a good thing. I  am sensing the great barrier reef of stress not too far in the background (it has humongous destructive powers). This may be because I reduced my antidepressents - the timing coincides completely. It may be because I started the (contraceptive) pill, it can have similar effects, although if you read the list of side effects for the pill, anything and its opposite can happen.

I've reduced the antidepressant because they interfere with my sex life. I haven't noticed improvements, so I am investigating what can be done. I wouldn't lower my antidepressants again because the stress would kick-in and wreak havoc. I should meditate on why, why, do I accept all this stress. I could start acting like I did one day in high school, when I stopped caring about my performance and started having a life outside of school. This is a very new thought. I have never had this idea before, and I think that there is something there.

I will tell my doctor what the status is next week. He can change my doses and my type of meds. I have other answers for my sex life. Did some interesting reading on the Orgasmic Diet book - I will try it. I have started yoga and will pursue it of course. I need to do all this in baby steps. Baby steps. It is simply curious how my body is acting, and this is why I was thinking that I need to go in my body and senses for themselves, sola. What does all this expansion and retraction modulate, and how can it educate me?

I am patient with myself and so my lover will be too. Now resting every part of my body like it wants too, listening and not resisting.

Amourx.

Amour

Ladies and gentleman, I am in love. And I think that he is the one. And that he is for keeps. And it is the first time that I don't have reasonable doubt about a man's compatibility with me. It seems to all be working and flowing, and me floating.

I have never ever been able to write the first three sentences of this post in all my life of 38 years. It has been only one month and four days. We are moving fast but it is natural, and now, possibly we will slow down. Sip the drink rather then gulp whole glasses. We have been thirsty for a long time, and we were both ready to meet each other on that happy day.

You will excuse me for being sappy, but if you saw how my eyes are fired up now! Yours would be too. I am on a natural high and indeed I've reduced my dose of antidepressant medecine.

I was going to write about some worry, about how we are moving along and what to do to protect us, since we are holding a pretty rare and fragile thing. But I forget what it was. Maybe I am too enamoured. I will write again. Inspired poetry will come back.

Amourx.

Flammes

La vie fait assez bien les choses. J'ai croisé ma vieille flamme par hasard samedi soir dans un cabaret, et c'était lorsqu'un cavalier me tirait sur le plancher de danse. On s'est salué. Lui était seul mais il parlait avec une ou des femmes, visiblement pour faire contact. J'étais mal à l'aise, suis partie seule, et éventuellement un Polonais m'a fait danser et danser et tourner.

Je suis pas mal facile côté émotions. Il en arrive un de potable et je pars en ballon. Vraiment, c'est notoire. Mais pour mon ex, il y a eu aussi ce commentaires d'une copine qui ne le connaissait pas. "Lui?", avec un air surpris, dans le sens de 'tu peux faire mieux' je crois. Tout ça m'a permis de faire le bris avec la chose du passé. Strictement amical ça sera.

Que je suis crédule moi. Et j'allais dire que je suis ici parce que j'ai les plombs, je suis fâchée, éreintée de ma journée au point que... je réalise que je vais être menstruée bientôt. Aaah ça explique. Mais c'est lundi et je suis vraiment à pic.

Si le Polonais m'appelait, ça changerait la donne. Je pense que j'ai agis en grosse anglaise parce que je l'ai pas vraiment touché avant la toute fin. Mais je l'ai quand même laissé m'embrasser et puis j'ai quitté, le bar fermait.

Et puis mon Turque qu'en est-il? J'en sais foutrement rien. J'ai bien peur de me rendre là-bas. Peur de ce que les gens pensent. Peur de constater in situ qu'il est petit et maigre, et que j'aime pas ça. Et... Peur de ne pas connaître d'homme enfin, d'avoir une relation. Ça me tenterait, ça. Pour un petit bout, ou un grand.

Patience?

Amourx.

Changes

Ça vaut le coup de faire le point ce soir. Je me sens à une croisée...

Je suis un peu déçue des points qui ont été retenus sur mon éval. Mais elle était quand même bonne. Il faut que je vois plus grand et plus loin, et ça sera mon objectif cet année, voir au delà de ces petites choses, travailler sur le fond, et laisser aller l'éphémère.

Pour l'amour, j'ai revu une vielle flamme et ça a raviver l'attirance vraiment fort. Là c'est bon le temps a passer. Mais je me demande encore si c'est lui mon homme. Si je le contacte je crois qu'il va embarquer, et moi avec. J'ai vu un danger là, et j'y ai penser très fort pendant une semaine.

Puis il y a eu une soirée de filles à oublier, car une 'copine' a sauter les plombs et m'a gueulé après bien pire que du poisson pourri à la fermeture d'un bar, car elle croyait, ivrogne qu'elle était, que je lui piquais son mec. C'était violant, et en y pensant, je suis encore secouée et dérangée par l'expérience même plusieurs jours après.

Puis, boulot boulot. Je tombe lentement du mois de crise. Je me sens fragile et émotive, normal, faut pas que j'en fasse un cas.

Mon turque m'a téléphoné! C'est la 2e fois que je réponds. Il m'a fait écouter de la musique turque longtemps, il était à un concert. Et puis il m'a parlé. Il était en train de boire, Il va m'emmener voir des spectacle, il s'ennuie, il m'aime, il m'embrasse... C'était quand même bien de pouvoir lui parler, un peu magique. J'ai quand même peur, ou encore des doutes. Je ne sais pas si j'y vais en fait. Des fois je veux plutôt aller dans le sud.

Je ne veux pas perdre l'idée de ma vielle flamme et moi, non plus. Il me semble, il m'a semblé, qu'il était ma solution, quand je l'ai vu. Et là je l'oublie.

Damn.

Amourx.

Far Away so Close

I had a date with my lover. This time it was really nice on the internet. I am far from him but it was lovely and sweet. I love his face. We listened to music and are happy just staring at each other like kids. Me thinks maybe he's the one. But so far.

I have had messages from other men. My ex-ex for one, a very strange and dangerous thing it is for me to see him again, but I will as for closure or for the natural way life goes on. Today I rested a lot. I am worried of things dragging on, things I don't have time to care for, the little things. And I wish I wrote my pen and paper journal about all the things that happened, put my Turkey photos up. Life is going fast and I have been sick. Resting today is making it better I am sure.

Amourx.

Cocketry

I wish that I could chat with a lover, now. I am lucky because I often do. I chatted with one this morning. He is a million miles away, but we chat everyday, mostly about love.

I am elated when I think of it. And, I have never kissed him, never touched him any longer than a handshake. We were together in the world for 2 hours tops, and from that time I have been sailing away, and he, chasing me like a man would.

Very few men in my neck of the woods.

So can you tell that I am happy? It's not only him, there has been more goodness in my life. I'm still off balance, worse than before, because of unforeseen crunch time out of the realms of normalcy at work. I'm playing like a pro and not losing my oumpf, but... balance is off. Weight is on. Coquetry is still in, and this is a good sign of the overall moral.

More goodness in the form of friendship and other flirts yes.

And a full calendar of fun.

And another trip to Turkey to come.

Amourx.

Turkish Delights

There is a lot to catch up on and I have a few minutes in the early morning. My trip to turkey was wonderful, one of my best ever with two girlfriends, nothing went wrong. Everything reminds me that leaving my ex has turned me into a happy girl with an easy way about life and people. I am actually social and sometimes chatty, even. I will not date an antisocial downer dude ever again.

I haven't been healthy with stress and food or sleep. The trip, plus big work crisis management, plus boys... Yes boys. I actually have a platonic internet relationship with the most romantic sweetheart that lives in turkey. I call him a boy but rest assured he is in his thirties. It's just that he is romantic from another era, almost. It is right to call his world another era, it is so different. I will have to end it soon, I keep thinking, and our little hearts will hurt.

I had a beautiful birthday with friends, colleagues, family... Probably also the best ever. And if this is the year of best then I declare it so.

I have a vow of regaining health and finance control, but work is interfering with yoga this morning. Balance it hard to attain.

Amourx.