Expository
Janet went down the alleyway trying to remember what her mom had asked her. Something about milk, and something about ham, and… And then she remembered that she has the credit card now, so she knows that she won’t run out of money. That’s a relief. But she was still worried that she wouldn’t remember everything properly.
Conversation
“Janet! Now don’t you forget the list — And look at it too! I wrote it in there but please remember to get the processed cheese, not that smelly old stuff that she has over there”. She stressed the ‘she’ and maintained her ‘smelly old stuff’ face when she said it.
“Ok but Mom? What is it about the chee…”
“There you go again, not listening. Please remember to by pro-ces-sed cheese. Get a pint of milk — not more or it will go bad. And we need green beans to go with the ham on Sunday. Don’t mess it up this time.”
“I won’t. But Mom?”
“Yes dear”
“What if I run out of money again, like last time”
“You won’t, because you will use my credit card this time”.
She went into her purse and hesitated, then took out her credit card from her big leather wallet and gave it to Janet without a word. And Janet took it and left without a word, feeling as though she had just been given a very high responsibility.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Girl in a Bunker
Je me sens crasse encore, dedans et dehors. J'ai un mal de coeur subtil, comme un poing serré à l'intérieur. Je veux me cacher ou fuir, je suis morte d'embarras. On a tous vu ma vraie nature, celle d'une retardée mentale qui bave et qui se frotte probablement à qui mieux mieux.
Je pourrais pas vous dire, j'y étais pas de mémoire. Je suis dans l'après -- et je me rappèle de ne jamais boire pour boire. De ne jamais boire d'ennui. Et surtout de ne jamais boire quand on dissimule au fond de soi la fille qui manque d'amour.
Mon corps se remet mais ma tête est encore troublée.
En surface j'ai eu du bon temps, jouer au volleyball entre deux pluies. Offert un ordinateur à ma mère. Passer une journée seule hier à lire, et une autre avant hier chez mon copain à regarder un bon film. Mais on s'est faché dans l'auto. Et la fille au fond de moi se blinde. Je ne dis pas que c'est sa faute, non. Je ne suis pas une fille facile. Je ne suis pas très bonne pour répendre le bonheur et provoquer l'épanouissement de chacun. Faudrait que je m'ouvre un peu, au fond, mais j'ai peur que ça fasse mal.
La honte me garde à faux et me transperse. La honte n'existe pas.
Amourx.
Je pourrais pas vous dire, j'y étais pas de mémoire. Je suis dans l'après -- et je me rappèle de ne jamais boire pour boire. De ne jamais boire d'ennui. Et surtout de ne jamais boire quand on dissimule au fond de soi la fille qui manque d'amour.
Mon corps se remet mais ma tête est encore troublée.
En surface j'ai eu du bon temps, jouer au volleyball entre deux pluies. Offert un ordinateur à ma mère. Passer une journée seule hier à lire, et une autre avant hier chez mon copain à regarder un bon film. Mais on s'est faché dans l'auto. Et la fille au fond de moi se blinde. Je ne dis pas que c'est sa faute, non. Je ne suis pas une fille facile. Je ne suis pas très bonne pour répendre le bonheur et provoquer l'épanouissement de chacun. Faudrait que je m'ouvre un peu, au fond, mais j'ai peur que ça fasse mal.
La honte me garde à faux et me transperse. La honte n'existe pas.
Amourx.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Slowly
Water and more water will take care of the inkling residue of shame/guilt I have from another great ''over-drinking to the point of memory loss" work party. I don't think that I had enough fun to justify it.
I have been good with energy conservation (apart from that night of course). I have some good plans for work too - I'll try to move on to strategy. Strategist produce written documents, and that's something that I like to do. Plus I think that I'd be damn good at it.
I've been in a rut lately, even if I love the client, the travel, much of my co-workers, and I appreciate the experience I keep acquiring and the assurance that I get (hell I'm the senior of the small group now, it boggles the mind). Still it's a struggle to keep motivation up - something to do with the daily grind and repetition. I get tired of that rapidly. I'm not crazy about the flora either.
And, I have a book plan. It's 5 years long, so I can finish it at the round age of 40. I'm taking a couple months to decide what genre, but I have my mind set on a serial. There's something unfinished about each tome of a series that is comforting. The task of delivering one finite book, that would hold in it a complete, hole, story, is scary. I can't hold it all in one. I can't be that perfect.
I wish that I wasn't so washed out by drinks. I had to leave work at noon on Friday. I was going green.
That's all. I'm recovering. Today I shall find the vacuum cleaner bags or sweep. I'll put the clothes and dishes away. If I'm good, I'll even screw a few things.
Then I'll try to get back into exercise. I'll probably ditch the gym, I can't keep up and the people there are too healthy, I swear. I think I should do loner stuff for now, slowly.
I'll have to revisit my meds regiment because it kills the libido too much. There is not a lot of passion in my writing, not a lot of passion in my life. But there is a slow burning fire still happening, and I am never giving that up. I'm still fighting, it's less apparent.
Amourx.
I have been good with energy conservation (apart from that night of course). I have some good plans for work too - I'll try to move on to strategy. Strategist produce written documents, and that's something that I like to do. Plus I think that I'd be damn good at it.
I've been in a rut lately, even if I love the client, the travel, much of my co-workers, and I appreciate the experience I keep acquiring and the assurance that I get (hell I'm the senior of the small group now, it boggles the mind). Still it's a struggle to keep motivation up - something to do with the daily grind and repetition. I get tired of that rapidly. I'm not crazy about the flora either.
And, I have a book plan. It's 5 years long, so I can finish it at the round age of 40. I'm taking a couple months to decide what genre, but I have my mind set on a serial. There's something unfinished about each tome of a series that is comforting. The task of delivering one finite book, that would hold in it a complete, hole, story, is scary. I can't hold it all in one. I can't be that perfect.
I wish that I wasn't so washed out by drinks. I had to leave work at noon on Friday. I was going green.
That's all. I'm recovering. Today I shall find the vacuum cleaner bags or sweep. I'll put the clothes and dishes away. If I'm good, I'll even screw a few things.
Then I'll try to get back into exercise. I'll probably ditch the gym, I can't keep up and the people there are too healthy, I swear. I think I should do loner stuff for now, slowly.
I'll have to revisit my meds regiment because it kills the libido too much. There is not a lot of passion in my writing, not a lot of passion in my life. But there is a slow burning fire still happening, and I am never giving that up. I'm still fighting, it's less apparent.
Amourx.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A Simpler Question
I just woke up from emergency sleep. That's when you don't sleep at all for 24 hours until you finally pass out for good and there's nothing you can do. That does some good. I slept last night -- a bit -- but it sure didn't feel like it today. I didn't realize it until now.
So time is passing and I'm still asking the same question. When will I feel more normal.
I have conveniently decided that I am normal in most respects. My head is screwed on right. I have challenges, but I'm not particularly impaired in any regards. There is no strange thing going on with me. That's a big old load of my back.
The abnormal thing is that I get depleted after work. My energy is too low :(.
As usual I want to make plans to help. Exercise has not been happening since I started traveling some two months ago. I feel too tired. I don't want to see the trainer or any specialist anymore, too demanding or unnecessary.
I have a hold of what I eat and what I spend, and I take care of allowing a time for each thing, specially for shutting down work, so that I'm well rested and de-stressed. It works! Last year was a nightmare compared to this.
That's the most I can do for now, and I am still too tired every night. My plan is not huge, but it's just this: Energy. I'm going to watch it, tame it, and adopt it.
And probably read a book about it.
Amourx.
So time is passing and I'm still asking the same question. When will I feel more normal.
I have conveniently decided that I am normal in most respects. My head is screwed on right. I have challenges, but I'm not particularly impaired in any regards. There is no strange thing going on with me. That's a big old load of my back.
The abnormal thing is that I get depleted after work. My energy is too low :(.
As usual I want to make plans to help. Exercise has not been happening since I started traveling some two months ago. I feel too tired. I don't want to see the trainer or any specialist anymore, too demanding or unnecessary.
I have a hold of what I eat and what I spend, and I take care of allowing a time for each thing, specially for shutting down work, so that I'm well rested and de-stressed. It works! Last year was a nightmare compared to this.
That's the most I can do for now, and I am still too tired every night. My plan is not huge, but it's just this: Energy. I'm going to watch it, tame it, and adopt it.
And probably read a book about it.
Amourx.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Other Sources of Consumption
Nothing will stop a hungry girl from wanting. Take one thing away, and she'll find another source of stuff to suck up against the big bad void. I found a movie rental service by mail that operates in Canada. I'm thoroughly enjoying adding films to my list, one by one. Now lets see how fast they make it from Calgary to Montreal! I know this act of selecting a zillion movies won't feel great for long, so I'm enjoying it now. Unlimited movies, 3 at a time, for 20$ a month. No more late fees. I'm happy enough to sound like an ad.
Now when will my package arrive. hmm hmm. I forgot how to say Jouir in English. I forgot more than that.
Speaking of ads, I've added a column on the bottom left out of curiosity. I wanted to now what the great algorithm would churn up for me. So far it's been religion, diet, writing and cleaning. Small things amuse me.
I am still affected by the train-wrecky Monday. But the difference from last year is that I left work no later than 6:15, and I am pretty good with that now. I'm all in all better structured (she said snootily as she thinks of her smartly made bed, her fresh folded towels, her put away dishes and clothes. Wot!).
The hair tho, still needs a cut. Plus where did all this grey come from!!! Ho-hum.
Rest of today? Rest, read, write. I'm at lesson 5 or 6 of the workshop. Character building.
Now when will my package arrive. hmm hmm. I forgot how to say Jouir in English. I forgot more than that.
Speaking of ads, I've added a column on the bottom left out of curiosity. I wanted to now what the great algorithm would churn up for me. So far it's been religion, diet, writing and cleaning. Small things amuse me.
I am still affected by the train-wrecky Monday. But the difference from last year is that I left work no later than 6:15, and I am pretty good with that now. I'm all in all better structured (she said snootily as she thinks of her smartly made bed, her fresh folded towels, her put away dishes and clothes. Wot!).
The hair tho, still needs a cut. Plus where did all this grey come from!!! Ho-hum.
Rest of today? Rest, read, write. I'm at lesson 5 or 6 of the workshop. Character building.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Shove it!
I have a bonus Free Sunday! Summer work party got rain checked - but it's not raining! hehehe.
Did my finance including scary home owner taxes - never had those before. But, turns out I could wing my first payment, almost on time (I never even saw the 'must be paid by' date before today...).
I found THE best software EVER for taking notes. My long last quest has finally ended. It's called Shovel Box. And you need a mac (sorry pc peeps, I feel for you).
Wee good day. I will do the floors and maybe some more decluttering. I will go to the museum. I will go play guitar hero at Jo's.
I have already mapped out 3 plausible path, to support and nurture my writing project, with a major transition after valentines day :-)
Amourx.
Did my finance including scary home owner taxes - never had those before. But, turns out I could wing my first payment, almost on time (I never even saw the 'must be paid by' date before today...).
I found THE best software EVER for taking notes. My long last quest has finally ended. It's called Shovel Box. And you need a mac (sorry pc peeps, I feel for you).
Wee good day. I will do the floors and maybe some more decluttering. I will go to the museum. I will go play guitar hero at Jo's.
I have already mapped out 3 plausible path, to support and nurture my writing project, with a major transition after valentines day :-)
Amourx.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Yank
I wrote 1600 words in a writing exercise. I used some techniques from my workshop to build a plot. Now I know that I can write a novel, because the mechanics are easy and I am not short of ideas. I didn't say a good novel. But I stopped because my fingers got tired. So i can easily write a long story, so a novel.
I'm super happy to be alone right now. All I want is to clean my apartment and write. I believe that writing is my escape and my refuge, and I like it. Alas I have social events and people to see. Heck I even have a boyfriend and a job. How did that happen?
I am again low on energy. Just a note. Somewhere I heard that a stressful childhood makes you age faster and impairs your abilities to deal with emotions. Damn. I also heard that I have at least 6 siblings and cousins on meds because of severe anxiety. But I just had a thought.
Maybe nothing is wrong with me. Maybe there are no deep dark secret, insanity, genetic disorder, psychological illness, special development, phobias, deviations, disabilities, syndromes, irregular mind, no particularities about me. Maybe I am just Normal.
Very introspective, but normal.
That does wipe out a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, shame.
That's the one: shame. That's the evil. Let me yank it out with a spoon right now.
Thanks. Aaaaaah.
Amourx.
I'm super happy to be alone right now. All I want is to clean my apartment and write. I believe that writing is my escape and my refuge, and I like it. Alas I have social events and people to see. Heck I even have a boyfriend and a job. How did that happen?
I am again low on energy. Just a note. Somewhere I heard that a stressful childhood makes you age faster and impairs your abilities to deal with emotions. Damn. I also heard that I have at least 6 siblings and cousins on meds because of severe anxiety. But I just had a thought.
Maybe nothing is wrong with me. Maybe there are no deep dark secret, insanity, genetic disorder, psychological illness, special development, phobias, deviations, disabilities, syndromes, irregular mind, no particularities about me. Maybe I am just Normal.
Very introspective, but normal.
That does wipe out a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, shame.
That's the one: shame. That's the evil. Let me yank it out with a spoon right now.
Thanks. Aaaaaah.
Amourx.
Close?
Minutes to write it down. I forget now.... Oh yeah. So this is who I would love to be: Someone who hosts dinners for up to 20 people. Who can swing a proper 'formal' party (baby shower, anniversaries and such) without batting an eye. Someone who sews her cloths when they are ripped. Who has a lot of plants and a well tended garden. You get the idea?
I am at the other end of the spectrum. The closest thing I do is sleep with the Joy of Cooking, reading cover to cover of it's tiny print before I fall asleep.
More on this later. Got work to do!
Amourx
I am at the other end of the spectrum. The closest thing I do is sleep with the Joy of Cooking, reading cover to cover of it's tiny print before I fall asleep.
More on this later. Got work to do!
Amourx
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Crack
The day has filled up quite much and so, I didn't set my timer and didn't clean my bathroom. But I did spent 10 minutes to clear and clean the sink, consequently I started to populate my new shelves - and that feels like an amazing step into the aaaah world. Big quick fix, I like.
Got me thinking about the beautiful vanity lamp I bought oh, say 3 month ago, that sits in my here office, in a box. Small steps, small steps. I also have to take down the ugly Ikea lamp I installed in the living room - it doesn't work in many, many ways. Small steps.
Bought the laptop for my mama! That took a while and got me tired but the deed is done. Bonne fête maman! It's her birthday today, she turns 64.
The computer should arrive at my home-mom sister's house at the end of the month. I also checked in with Nautilus but didn't cancel it yet. I didn't make a hair appointment. And I am not working tonight (it was a plan at some point today, but I scratched it in favor of relaxation, hehe). I'll do the crack of dawn thing instead.
I will soon go to bed with the Joy of Cooking, as I did yesterday. Weird? Yes. Revealing? Too. Comforting? You bet.
I take it where I find it.
Amourx.
Got me thinking about the beautiful vanity lamp I bought oh, say 3 month ago, that sits in my here office, in a box. Small steps, small steps. I also have to take down the ugly Ikea lamp I installed in the living room - it doesn't work in many, many ways. Small steps.
Bought the laptop for my mama! That took a while and got me tired but the deed is done. Bonne fête maman! It's her birthday today, she turns 64.
The computer should arrive at my home-mom sister's house at the end of the month. I also checked in with Nautilus but didn't cancel it yet. I didn't make a hair appointment. And I am not working tonight (it was a plan at some point today, but I scratched it in favor of relaxation, hehe). I'll do the crack of dawn thing instead.
I will soon go to bed with the Joy of Cooking, as I did yesterday. Weird? Yes. Revealing? Too. Comforting? You bet.
I take it where I find it.
Amourx.
Allow me
Today's task is the bathroom. Things are evolving slowly but it is satisfying. Clothes sorted, clutter sorted in the living room and kitchen. I can almost breath. ahhhh.
It's nothing to write home about, I know, but that's why blogs are. So I will set my timer after work, grab my 'how to clean book' (I'm not even kidding), and wipe away a couple weeks... months... of daily grind.
A small step for me, a big one for humanity. I have severe ADD when it comes to cleaning. It seems trivial and I seem naturally bad at it; but I've been missing the boat.
That's it? Yeah. I haven't been top shape lately and I am recovering. I am not hunting down big emotions.
Well I am going to show up at the Nautilus and explain my sudden disappearance of the last 2 months, and get a hair cut appointment. I also managed to do my expense account for the trip which, because of severe flight coordination problems, goes up to almost half of a paycheck. Swe-heet. 1 down, 2 to go.
Am at lesson 4 of the 'writing workshop'. Am contemplating doing this next week.
Love my coffee this morning.
Amourx
It's nothing to write home about, I know, but that's why blogs are. So I will set my timer after work, grab my 'how to clean book' (I'm not even kidding), and wipe away a couple weeks... months... of daily grind.
A small step for me, a big one for humanity. I have severe ADD when it comes to cleaning. It seems trivial and I seem naturally bad at it; but I've been missing the boat.
That's it? Yeah. I haven't been top shape lately and I am recovering. I am not hunting down big emotions.
Well I am going to show up at the Nautilus and explain my sudden disappearance of the last 2 months, and get a hair cut appointment. I also managed to do my expense account for the trip which, because of severe flight coordination problems, goes up to almost half of a paycheck. Swe-heet. 1 down, 2 to go.
Am at lesson 4 of the 'writing workshop'. Am contemplating doing this next week.
Love my coffee this morning.
Amourx
Monday, August 17, 2009
Cooler
I won't talk about it to much but stress equals fear for me, and I'm pretty scared at work. It's not a nice feeling, I hope it goes away in time. I have felt it everywhere that I work, so this is about me.
Today: 30 minutes to clear my clothes. Only 9$ left in the bank account now but I have 4500 new recopies to concoct. For when the temperature drops below 30 degrees and when the pay check comes in. I am happy to give my mama a jade green laptop. Oh yeah! A feel good thing, priceless (right?).
Breeze now almost cooling me. It's impossible to sleep in my hot house. My boyfriend has already given up and took his bike all the way back to his place in the middle of the night. But girls are cooler.
I dropped 2 pounds. I know you don't care what I look like, that's why I love you, but I am pleased.
Amourx
-------------------
Time spent sorting clothes and cleaning drawers: 1:12.
Bag to give away: 1
Dollars found: 3!
Enough to buy 1 beer. Yay!
Today: 30 minutes to clear my clothes. Only 9$ left in the bank account now but I have 4500 new recopies to concoct. For when the temperature drops below 30 degrees and when the pay check comes in. I am happy to give my mama a jade green laptop. Oh yeah! A feel good thing, priceless (right?).
Breeze now almost cooling me. It's impossible to sleep in my hot house. My boyfriend has already given up and took his bike all the way back to his place in the middle of the night. But girls are cooler.
I dropped 2 pounds. I know you don't care what I look like, that's why I love you, but I am pleased.
Amourx
-------------------
Time spent sorting clothes and cleaning drawers: 1:12.
Bag to give away: 1
Dollars found: 3!
Enough to buy 1 beer. Yay!
The French web sucks
Retour Retour, c'est lundi. J'ai cherché partout des sites français qui parle du procédé d'écriture et des ateliers et je vais vous dire une grosse généralité: les sites français sont nuuuuuls! Laids surtout, comme s'ils étaient construits en 1992. Mais comment vais-je faire pour écrire en français quand tous les outils sont en anglais. Hmm.
Je me sens bien tout simplement ce matin. J'ai lu des écrits qui date d'il y a deux ans. Définitivement, c'était plus vribrant qu'aujourd'hui; les pilules amortissent l'esprit.
Amourx
Je me sens bien tout simplement ce matin. J'ai lu des écrits qui date d'il y a deux ans. Définitivement, c'était plus vribrant qu'aujourd'hui; les pilules amortissent l'esprit.
Amourx
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Julia
J'ai du acheter le livre Joy of Cooking après avoir vu le film sur Julia Child. Pas le choix. J'étais d'ailleurs la troisième dans l'heure, ce qui a heurté mon égo d'originale. Bien sur, j'ai aussi pris la barre de chocolat Godiva aux amandes. C'est un rituel quand je vais là. Pour une quarantaine de dollars, j'ai 4500 recettes... et 29$ restant dans mon compte jusqu'à jeudi. J'ai aussi eu l'idée d'acheter un ordinateur portable à ma mère, vert jade. Vous comprendrez, je ne suis qu'un quart de sa progéniture, et vérifications faites, les 3 autres adhèrent au plan. Donc ce n'est qu'un quart du prix d'un portable, pour offrir à ma mère l'internet! Inutile d'y penser d'avantage. J'ai même trouver un bon rabais.
Vous direz que l'économie 101 fonctionne mal chez moi. Bien, j'ai fait 1:30 de ménage (je me suis minutée, ça aide). J'ai arrêter quand j'ai vu que mon sac de balayeuse était plein. C'est pour aller en acheter que j'ai fait une pause. J'allais combiner avec le ciné, puis, à mi-chemin, je me suis dis que je pouvais économiser sur les sacs si j'attendais simplement de trouver ceux que j'ai quelque part dans mes boîtes, coffres ou garde-robes. Je fais un effort.
Je mange un cuisine minceur pour souper. Il y a peut-être de l'ironie à faire sur l'étalage de ces faits, mais je n'en suis pas dupe. La vie suit son cours à sa manière, et je la suis avec une assurance inexplicable, mais réelle.
Amourx
Vous direz que l'économie 101 fonctionne mal chez moi. Bien, j'ai fait 1:30 de ménage (je me suis minutée, ça aide). J'ai arrêter quand j'ai vu que mon sac de balayeuse était plein. C'est pour aller en acheter que j'ai fait une pause. J'allais combiner avec le ciné, puis, à mi-chemin, je me suis dis que je pouvais économiser sur les sacs si j'attendais simplement de trouver ceux que j'ai quelque part dans mes boîtes, coffres ou garde-robes. Je fais un effort.
Je mange un cuisine minceur pour souper. Il y a peut-être de l'ironie à faire sur l'étalage de ces faits, mais je n'en suis pas dupe. La vie suit son cours à sa manière, et je la suis avec une assurance inexplicable, mais réelle.
Amourx
Je reviens ici
Quelques minutes, même si j'ai un plan dressé pour ce dimanche, qui en est un beau. J'écris entre les pause du documentaire sur les Rocheuses. Je reviens.
Je progresse un peu, mais ce n'est pas toujours facile à voir. Par exemple, je sais maintenant que l'histoire que je vais écrire sera écrite en français, parce que je maîtrise mieux cette langue. Pas que je la maîtrise! J'essaie aussi d'avoir des ambitions moins grandioses pour l'écriture. Commencer petit, c'est bon.
Je commence un nouveau chapître de mon existence, ou plus justement, un saut de section dans le chapître. J'ai commencer l'année en déliant allégrement le porte-feuillle; ça a commencer avec un jeu pour jouer, et j'ai vu que c'était bon. Maintenant les comptes sont au négatif alors la route à prendre est claire: économie familiale 101. Voir ce que je peux faire avec ça.
De toutes façon c'est épuisant et ça devient vide, de toujours consommer (et toujours lire, dans mon cas).
Aujourd'hui je plonge dans mon désordre. Un peu d'archéologie en ce dimanche d'août.
Amourx
Je progresse un peu, mais ce n'est pas toujours facile à voir. Par exemple, je sais maintenant que l'histoire que je vais écrire sera écrite en français, parce que je maîtrise mieux cette langue. Pas que je la maîtrise! J'essaie aussi d'avoir des ambitions moins grandioses pour l'écriture. Commencer petit, c'est bon.
Je commence un nouveau chapître de mon existence, ou plus justement, un saut de section dans le chapître. J'ai commencer l'année en déliant allégrement le porte-feuillle; ça a commencer avec un jeu pour jouer, et j'ai vu que c'était bon. Maintenant les comptes sont au négatif alors la route à prendre est claire: économie familiale 101. Voir ce que je peux faire avec ça.
De toutes façon c'est épuisant et ça devient vide, de toujours consommer (et toujours lire, dans mon cas).
Aujourd'hui je plonge dans mon désordre. Un peu d'archéologie en ce dimanche d'août.
Amourx
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Fair
It's balmy, it's wonderful, and I'm leaving on a bike to spend time at an agri-culture food sample fair, sampling food from all over La belle province. Nice.
Now as for my life in general - have regressed in depression and foul-ish moods. But the sun is taking care of that. I am a plumpy 15 pounds more than my ideal, but it went in all the right places. My energy is too low, so I am taking it easy and taking care. Being home is going to help.
Any life altering plans? Yes, two. But, before they happen, I need to start letting go and having fun.
Amourx.
Now as for my life in general - have regressed in depression and foul-ish moods. But the sun is taking care of that. I am a plumpy 15 pounds more than my ideal, but it went in all the right places. My energy is too low, so I am taking it easy and taking care. Being home is going to help.
Any life altering plans? Yes, two. But, before they happen, I need to start letting go and having fun.
Amourx.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
10 minutes
Warm, sticky, low cast day. I like it. I have made my bed and put dishes in the dishwasher, a small step for humanity indeed. I'm getting my priorities in check: condorama first. I know I know, this here is idle time. This ain't a post to be pretty.
10 minutes of cleaning per day in the morning, 10 more in the evening.
Amourx
10 minutes of cleaning per day in the morning, 10 more in the evening.
Amourx
Monday, August 10, 2009
PIN
It took 4 hours to lose my vacation glow today. Work is and always has been intense. The team moral seems low with the cuts that we had recently.
I am shattered! I am going to take care of this problem first, with beer. Just kidding (kinda). Intense de-stress is needed. Sound the alarm, I'm on tilt. Except my energy is too low now.
This is just to pin it down, that 7 o'clock fatigue: not normal and constant.
Amourx
I am shattered! I am going to take care of this problem first, with beer. Just kidding (kinda). Intense de-stress is needed. Sound the alarm, I'm on tilt. Except my energy is too low now.
This is just to pin it down, that 7 o'clock fatigue: not normal and constant.
Amourx
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Normal and OK
Hi there.
I am home now, back from a postcard week with family in the Columbia Valley, BC. I flew overnight and lost 2 hours in the process, so I am tired and calm. This summer has done some good to me. My favorite part was not working in Amsterdam; it was BC and it was Florida too: the true holidays.
Coffee at 8 o'clock? Why not, I'm still in it. I am returning as the new/old me: a bit bigger, a bit slower, similar but elsewhere. Same same but different, as some would say. Crickets are chiming in loudly in the dark evening beside me. It's the first time that I hear them here, from the wide open back door of home.
I continue to know that I need to write. Always have and always will, and I will get into that now. First thing first, I need to write my own sad and sappy story. I won't publish it, I think, but this autobio has been clinging to me like an old, rundown, wet gown from another era since forever. It's a fact: even at 5 years old, not long after learning to read and write (self-taught), I had my mom setup the typewriter in my bedroom so that I could write the story of my short life.
What I really want to write is not that, and here is my problem: I get stuck at the very first questions. In what language do I want to write? I can't choose! I want freedom to write in both English and French. What, then, is it that I will write? A fiction, a novel with characters I'm guessing. Short, I hope, to start with. How? When? On what medium? For who, etc. I don't know -- but I want so much that I can't choose.
I'm good at writing in here because I have no agenda, it's different.
So I decided to do some online writing workshop to get me going. I'm tempted to do a full-on career change and to Study too.
As far as my current career goes, it sure has been a roller coaster ride. I grew in it more than I could imagine. And I can grow some more, but I need to watch my health. It's a high stress world, and a challenge for me always, to keep my emotions at bay and to feel 'normal' and OK.
I'm thinking now that mental illnesses aren't illnesses. I'm thinking that it's adaptation and evolution in the Darwinian sense. We need to do things that work well with our minds. If I am dysthymic, autistic, borderline, depressive or bipolar; if I am right-brain, left-brain, or even just very creative, then I need to find the life that makes it easier to live with that quality. And that life may bring a quality Me out. Just a thought.
I'm not reproducing anyways, in the Darwinian sense. Not at the moment.
I haven't been bored in a very long time, so I must say, this is a big step forward. The gown is falling off me.
Amourx.
I am home now, back from a postcard week with family in the Columbia Valley, BC. I flew overnight and lost 2 hours in the process, so I am tired and calm. This summer has done some good to me. My favorite part was not working in Amsterdam; it was BC and it was Florida too: the true holidays.
Coffee at 8 o'clock? Why not, I'm still in it. I am returning as the new/old me: a bit bigger, a bit slower, similar but elsewhere. Same same but different, as some would say. Crickets are chiming in loudly in the dark evening beside me. It's the first time that I hear them here, from the wide open back door of home.
I continue to know that I need to write. Always have and always will, and I will get into that now. First thing first, I need to write my own sad and sappy story. I won't publish it, I think, but this autobio has been clinging to me like an old, rundown, wet gown from another era since forever. It's a fact: even at 5 years old, not long after learning to read and write (self-taught), I had my mom setup the typewriter in my bedroom so that I could write the story of my short life.
What I really want to write is not that, and here is my problem: I get stuck at the very first questions. In what language do I want to write? I can't choose! I want freedom to write in both English and French. What, then, is it that I will write? A fiction, a novel with characters I'm guessing. Short, I hope, to start with. How? When? On what medium? For who, etc. I don't know -- but I want so much that I can't choose.
I'm good at writing in here because I have no agenda, it's different.
So I decided to do some online writing workshop to get me going. I'm tempted to do a full-on career change and to Study too.
As far as my current career goes, it sure has been a roller coaster ride. I grew in it more than I could imagine. And I can grow some more, but I need to watch my health. It's a high stress world, and a challenge for me always, to keep my emotions at bay and to feel 'normal' and OK.
I'm thinking now that mental illnesses aren't illnesses. I'm thinking that it's adaptation and evolution in the Darwinian sense. We need to do things that work well with our minds. If I am dysthymic, autistic, borderline, depressive or bipolar; if I am right-brain, left-brain, or even just very creative, then I need to find the life that makes it easier to live with that quality. And that life may bring a quality Me out. Just a thought.
I'm not reproducing anyways, in the Darwinian sense. Not at the moment.
I haven't been bored in a very long time, so I must say, this is a big step forward. The gown is falling off me.
Amourx.
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