La vie fait assez bien les choses. J'ai croisé ma vieille flamme par hasard samedi soir dans un cabaret, et c'était lorsqu'un cavalier me tirait sur le plancher de danse. On s'est salué. Lui était seul mais il parlait avec une ou des femmes, visiblement pour faire contact. J'étais mal à l'aise, suis partie seule, et éventuellement un Polonais m'a fait danser et danser et tourner.
Je suis pas mal facile côté émotions. Il en arrive un de potable et je pars en ballon. Vraiment, c'est notoire. Mais pour mon ex, il y a eu aussi ce commentaires d'une copine qui ne le connaissait pas. "Lui?", avec un air surpris, dans le sens de 'tu peux faire mieux' je crois. Tout ça m'a permis de faire le bris avec la chose du passé. Strictement amical ça sera.
Que je suis crédule moi. Et j'allais dire que je suis ici parce que j'ai les plombs, je suis fâchée, éreintée de ma journée au point que... je réalise que je vais être menstruée bientôt. Aaah ça explique. Mais c'est lundi et je suis vraiment à pic.
Si le Polonais m'appelait, ça changerait la donne. Je pense que j'ai agis en grosse anglaise parce que je l'ai pas vraiment touché avant la toute fin. Mais je l'ai quand même laissé m'embrasser et puis j'ai quitté, le bar fermait.
Et puis mon Turque qu'en est-il? J'en sais foutrement rien. J'ai bien peur de me rendre là-bas. Peur de ce que les gens pensent. Peur de constater in situ qu'il est petit et maigre, et que j'aime pas ça. Et... Peur de ne pas connaître d'homme enfin, d'avoir une relation. Ça me tenterait, ça. Pour un petit bout, ou un grand.
Patience?
Amourx.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Changes
Ça vaut le coup de faire le point ce soir. Je me sens à une croisée...
Je suis un peu déçue des points qui ont été retenus sur mon éval. Mais elle était quand même bonne. Il faut que je vois plus grand et plus loin, et ça sera mon objectif cet année, voir au delà de ces petites choses, travailler sur le fond, et laisser aller l'éphémère.
Pour l'amour, j'ai revu une vielle flamme et ça a raviver l'attirance vraiment fort. Là c'est bon le temps a passer. Mais je me demande encore si c'est lui mon homme. Si je le contacte je crois qu'il va embarquer, et moi avec. J'ai vu un danger là, et j'y ai penser très fort pendant une semaine.
Puis il y a eu une soirée de filles à oublier, car une 'copine' a sauter les plombs et m'a gueulé après bien pire que du poisson pourri à la fermeture d'un bar, car elle croyait, ivrogne qu'elle était, que je lui piquais son mec. C'était violant, et en y pensant, je suis encore secouée et dérangée par l'expérience même plusieurs jours après.
Puis, boulot boulot. Je tombe lentement du mois de crise. Je me sens fragile et émotive, normal, faut pas que j'en fasse un cas.
Mon turque m'a téléphoné! C'est la 2e fois que je réponds. Il m'a fait écouter de la musique turque longtemps, il était à un concert. Et puis il m'a parlé. Il était en train de boire, Il va m'emmener voir des spectacle, il s'ennuie, il m'aime, il m'embrasse... C'était quand même bien de pouvoir lui parler, un peu magique. J'ai quand même peur, ou encore des doutes. Je ne sais pas si j'y vais en fait. Des fois je veux plutôt aller dans le sud.
Je ne veux pas perdre l'idée de ma vielle flamme et moi, non plus. Il me semble, il m'a semblé, qu'il était ma solution, quand je l'ai vu. Et là je l'oublie.
Damn.
Amourx.
Je suis un peu déçue des points qui ont été retenus sur mon éval. Mais elle était quand même bonne. Il faut que je vois plus grand et plus loin, et ça sera mon objectif cet année, voir au delà de ces petites choses, travailler sur le fond, et laisser aller l'éphémère.
Pour l'amour, j'ai revu une vielle flamme et ça a raviver l'attirance vraiment fort. Là c'est bon le temps a passer. Mais je me demande encore si c'est lui mon homme. Si je le contacte je crois qu'il va embarquer, et moi avec. J'ai vu un danger là, et j'y ai penser très fort pendant une semaine.
Puis il y a eu une soirée de filles à oublier, car une 'copine' a sauter les plombs et m'a gueulé après bien pire que du poisson pourri à la fermeture d'un bar, car elle croyait, ivrogne qu'elle était, que je lui piquais son mec. C'était violant, et en y pensant, je suis encore secouée et dérangée par l'expérience même plusieurs jours après.
Puis, boulot boulot. Je tombe lentement du mois de crise. Je me sens fragile et émotive, normal, faut pas que j'en fasse un cas.
Mon turque m'a téléphoné! C'est la 2e fois que je réponds. Il m'a fait écouter de la musique turque longtemps, il était à un concert. Et puis il m'a parlé. Il était en train de boire, Il va m'emmener voir des spectacle, il s'ennuie, il m'aime, il m'embrasse... C'était quand même bien de pouvoir lui parler, un peu magique. J'ai quand même peur, ou encore des doutes. Je ne sais pas si j'y vais en fait. Des fois je veux plutôt aller dans le sud.
Je ne veux pas perdre l'idée de ma vielle flamme et moi, non plus. Il me semble, il m'a semblé, qu'il était ma solution, quand je l'ai vu. Et là je l'oublie.
Damn.
Amourx.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Far Away so Close
I had a date with my lover. This time it was really nice on the internet. I am far from him but it was lovely and sweet. I love his face. We listened to music and are happy just staring at each other like kids. Me thinks maybe he's the one. But so far.
I have had messages from other men. My ex-ex for one, a very strange and dangerous thing it is for me to see him again, but I will as for closure or for the natural way life goes on. Today I rested a lot. I am worried of things dragging on, things I don't have time to care for, the little things. And I wish I wrote my pen and paper journal about all the things that happened, put my Turkey photos up. Life is going fast and I have been sick. Resting today is making it better I am sure.
Amourx.
I have had messages from other men. My ex-ex for one, a very strange and dangerous thing it is for me to see him again, but I will as for closure or for the natural way life goes on. Today I rested a lot. I am worried of things dragging on, things I don't have time to care for, the little things. And I wish I wrote my pen and paper journal about all the things that happened, put my Turkey photos up. Life is going fast and I have been sick. Resting today is making it better I am sure.
Amourx.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Cocketry
I wish that I could chat with a lover, now. I am lucky because I often do. I chatted with one this morning. He is a million miles away, but we chat everyday, mostly about love.
I am elated when I think of it. And, I have never kissed him, never touched him any longer than a handshake. We were together in the world for 2 hours tops, and from that time I have been sailing away, and he, chasing me like a man would.
Very few men in my neck of the woods.
So can you tell that I am happy? It's not only him, there has been more goodness in my life. I'm still off balance, worse than before, because of unforeseen crunch time out of the realms of normalcy at work. I'm playing like a pro and not losing my oumpf, but... balance is off. Weight is on. Coquetry is still in, and this is a good sign of the overall moral.
More goodness in the form of friendship and other flirts yes.
And a full calendar of fun.
And another trip to Turkey to come.
Amourx.
I am elated when I think of it. And, I have never kissed him, never touched him any longer than a handshake. We were together in the world for 2 hours tops, and from that time I have been sailing away, and he, chasing me like a man would.
Very few men in my neck of the woods.
So can you tell that I am happy? It's not only him, there has been more goodness in my life. I'm still off balance, worse than before, because of unforeseen crunch time out of the realms of normalcy at work. I'm playing like a pro and not losing my oumpf, but... balance is off. Weight is on. Coquetry is still in, and this is a good sign of the overall moral.
More goodness in the form of friendship and other flirts yes.
And a full calendar of fun.
And another trip to Turkey to come.
Amourx.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Turkish Delights
There is a lot to catch up on and I have a few minutes in the early morning. My trip to turkey was wonderful, one of my best ever with two girlfriends, nothing went wrong. Everything reminds me that leaving my ex has turned me into a happy girl with an easy way about life and people. I am actually social and sometimes chatty, even. I will not date an antisocial downer dude ever again.
I haven't been healthy with stress and food or sleep. The trip, plus big work crisis management, plus boys... Yes boys. I actually have a platonic internet relationship with the most romantic sweetheart that lives in turkey. I call him a boy but rest assured he is in his thirties. It's just that he is romantic from another era, almost. It is right to call his world another era, it is so different. I will have to end it soon, I keep thinking, and our little hearts will hurt.
I had a beautiful birthday with friends, colleagues, family... Probably also the best ever. And if this is the year of best then I declare it so.
I have a vow of regaining health and finance control, but work is interfering with yoga this morning. Balance it hard to attain.
Amourx.
I haven't been healthy with stress and food or sleep. The trip, plus big work crisis management, plus boys... Yes boys. I actually have a platonic internet relationship with the most romantic sweetheart that lives in turkey. I call him a boy but rest assured he is in his thirties. It's just that he is romantic from another era, almost. It is right to call his world another era, it is so different. I will have to end it soon, I keep thinking, and our little hearts will hurt.
I had a beautiful birthday with friends, colleagues, family... Probably also the best ever. And if this is the year of best then I declare it so.
I have a vow of regaining health and finance control, but work is interfering with yoga this morning. Balance it hard to attain.
Amourx.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Tides
I hereby declare me Calm and Free.
If I write too much I will get tedious, and I may already be so. But this conversation with myself helps in a way, I hope you don't mind.
In the tedious there is work which is intense but contained. I shouldn't mind too much, but I miss knitting. There is a trip shortly that will take me away. And then also... me and men. It's a hole new ballgame.
The spirit is ok, is good even. I'm a bit afraid, but that's a good sign. I would welcome the calm back in, for a while, until the new tide rolls in.
Amourx.
If I write too much I will get tedious, and I may already be so. But this conversation with myself helps in a way, I hope you don't mind.
In the tedious there is work which is intense but contained. I shouldn't mind too much, but I miss knitting. There is a trip shortly that will take me away. And then also... me and men. It's a hole new ballgame.
The spirit is ok, is good even. I'm a bit afraid, but that's a good sign. I would welcome the calm back in, for a while, until the new tide rolls in.
Amourx.
Monday, September 26, 2011
The Crack Thing.
A two-weeker. I'm in mourning for a two week lust affair. There was a lot that opened and I can easily wax authentic poetics about a passionate albeit short and stunted affair. I could be melodramatic about it, I could tell you that I even saw marriage and family -- it's crazy how things go to your head fast, or mine at least. The bigger point is that I melted. The big iceberg that I was completely and drastically melted. To the point that fire is getting hard to contain. But I ended it, and even if I mourn it, I am proud of me.
Lately in my life, I have become more rational in my thought process. It's helping me to keep emotions from taking over my life and to make decisions that will help me gain self esteem, which is the one thing that I have to protect above all. It's hard for me to favour cold hard facts over the beautiful thing that happen when your heart open's up. Cause it did, or at least a big crack gave in and light came out, or in. I could say beautiful and touching things about it forever. But, it's over and I don't want to fall into that. I have been uniquely good enough to tell him sweetly that it won't work. He sweetly confirmed it, keeping an absolutely no strings attached door open that I won't open. I can't because of the crack thing.
Instead I will be rational and learn to love it. Because what I have to protect is fragile, and I'm ok with that. I will be the one who takes care it forever. I'm hoping to meet a lovely man, but I'll be patient and ward off fear. It's tough getting a hang of this self esteem thing.
I have one night to cry if I want to. I won't. This feels more like a lovely deception. The thoughts are mostly sweet. No adult was hurt during filming. And I don't cry much anymore, not like I used to. Should I tell you that I had all kind of crazy fiery thoughts going on last week-end and that it ended with a deep massage by a pro, who just happened to be exactly what I needed? Now I don't feel as fiery, but I'm definitely still porous, open and fragile. It's expansive, it's what I wanted.
Tonight I'll think of my masseur and sleep well. And Man, I wish you a good night.
Amourx.
Lately in my life, I have become more rational in my thought process. It's helping me to keep emotions from taking over my life and to make decisions that will help me gain self esteem, which is the one thing that I have to protect above all. It's hard for me to favour cold hard facts over the beautiful thing that happen when your heart open's up. Cause it did, or at least a big crack gave in and light came out, or in. I could say beautiful and touching things about it forever. But, it's over and I don't want to fall into that. I have been uniquely good enough to tell him sweetly that it won't work. He sweetly confirmed it, keeping an absolutely no strings attached door open that I won't open. I can't because of the crack thing.
Instead I will be rational and learn to love it. Because what I have to protect is fragile, and I'm ok with that. I will be the one who takes care it forever. I'm hoping to meet a lovely man, but I'll be patient and ward off fear. It's tough getting a hang of this self esteem thing.
I have one night to cry if I want to. I won't. This feels more like a lovely deception. The thoughts are mostly sweet. No adult was hurt during filming. And I don't cry much anymore, not like I used to. Should I tell you that I had all kind of crazy fiery thoughts going on last week-end and that it ended with a deep massage by a pro, who just happened to be exactly what I needed? Now I don't feel as fiery, but I'm definitely still porous, open and fragile. It's expansive, it's what I wanted.
Tonight I'll think of my masseur and sleep well. And Man, I wish you a good night.
Amourx.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
At Least it was Consumed
There is very little I can do with texting as my only means to an unavailable man. I don't think that I can even sulk. And I don't know how to find answers to my problem on the internet. The only answer is to find another man. And the better answer is to stop thinking, stop focusing on him (even if it's so lovely). Start focusing on me again, cause I will lose my all if I leave my head in hope. Think of him like a lost hope, a quickie one, that at least was consumed once. I think that I can be at peace with this.
Start meditating on myself. Start looking inwards. I know that I am radiating something now that my libido is back in full fledge. I could find another lover. And Man, I am still looking out for you. Not going to stop.
Just need a couple slaps in the face and I'll be fine. In retrospect, this was a very lovely adventure, nice in all respects. A lovely man. And now, I can move on to the next one. It's not mean, it is what it is. He is one type of man and there are others. And I will be pleased. He wasn't my best. I'll be fine. I'm fine.
The plague is all gone, drying up.
Amourx.
Start meditating on myself. Start looking inwards. I know that I am radiating something now that my libido is back in full fledge. I could find another lover. And Man, I am still looking out for you. Not going to stop.
Just need a couple slaps in the face and I'll be fine. In retrospect, this was a very lovely adventure, nice in all respects. A lovely man. And now, I can move on to the next one. It's not mean, it is what it is. He is one type of man and there are others. And I will be pleased. He wasn't my best. I'll be fine. I'm fine.
The plague is all gone, drying up.
Amourx.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Fight the Plague
I have a night of sleep to catch up on. Sadly it is the mundane things keeping me up - what an irritant a person can be, even now, like a plague. It is a true problem and tax. And I don't have the answer and fuck I may not sleep again.
A good thing that he wrote back, put a smile back up in my face. Distance is the best answer right now. And I'm going to turkey. And it's not that important. This post wasn't going to be about the plague.
Was it going to be about him? I am for once tired enough that I'm not too scared of what may be. I don't know the guy. I was with him for a total of 3 hours, maybe 4. All I know is that I would like to see him again, and that it doesn't have to be too fast. Fuck the plague is on me again. What was I saying.
I like to daydream. I just did it now. And you know by now if you read me that he's had a high impact on my person. Maybe because he's the first.
I need to setup a mental image again to fight the plague. It was Cinderella's sisters last week, now I don't know what it might be. It might come up in my dream.
I feel stronger even if right now I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe the worst is behind me with the plague. Maybe I'm just happy he wrote back. Maybe I can daydream into the night.
Amourx
A good thing that he wrote back, put a smile back up in my face. Distance is the best answer right now. And I'm going to turkey. And it's not that important. This post wasn't going to be about the plague.
Was it going to be about him? I am for once tired enough that I'm not too scared of what may be. I don't know the guy. I was with him for a total of 3 hours, maybe 4. All I know is that I would like to see him again, and that it doesn't have to be too fast. Fuck the plague is on me again. What was I saying.
I like to daydream. I just did it now. And you know by now if you read me that he's had a high impact on my person. Maybe because he's the first.
I need to setup a mental image again to fight the plague. It was Cinderella's sisters last week, now I don't know what it might be. It might come up in my dream.
I feel stronger even if right now I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe the worst is behind me with the plague. Maybe I'm just happy he wrote back. Maybe I can daydream into the night.
Amourx
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
On Acting Like it's the End of the World
Permanence is the thing I fear the most, as in being stuck for ever in an unfortunate situation. Single forever, or stuck with someone forever. What happens today is going to repeat for eternity. Happiness itself is fleeting, it's j-u-s-t about up for grabs and then poof, it goes out of reach.
Everything does go on. Sad days, good days, they all pass. It's ok. I understand that life is different for me now that I am more stable and no longer depressed, but it will take me a few years to change my default vision, my fear of permanence. The good, the bad, it comes and goes like ebb and flow. I better learn to swim.
I'm heavily taxed by a colleague and not sure how best to proceed. Although my night is free and I have more invitations that I normally handle, my house is clean and life is good, she pushes and pushes and pushes the buttons and I contain, contain, contain myself. It's not healthy, and I wish that I could switch it off tonight.
And I want to talk about the boy or rather the experience with the boy a little bit more seriously. I have been doing a good job of brushing him off. This is protection and it does keep me from tipping over into lala land. I don't often find attractive matches for me, so when I do, I get carried away on a helium filled balloon.
And lets face this for a moment. He's the first man since I'm single, and all of it was nice. One would react after... 4 years of desert. It's a harsh word to describe my ex relationship but it is a suitable image in a way. I didn't have the right kind of man for me. This new guy was more like it, so now I know what to look for. So he's some kind of a stepping stone.
Cause frankly, I couldn't deal with the competition.
If this reasoning sounds forced it's because it is. I'm trying to catch myself and give me a soft landing. I guess that I can grieve a little. Like an inch.
I will put my earphones on with a lullaby and calm me down.
Man, I'm writing all this down but I told you, if you are around, you can show up now. I can say that I am grateful that I've had an adventure, and that this is a nice counter-balance to the current work problem, who's subject may not have had a nice adventure last week-end, and maybe not in a long time. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But boy I need help with that one. This I know Man.
You know my address.
Amourx.
Everything does go on. Sad days, good days, they all pass. It's ok. I understand that life is different for me now that I am more stable and no longer depressed, but it will take me a few years to change my default vision, my fear of permanence. The good, the bad, it comes and goes like ebb and flow. I better learn to swim.
I'm heavily taxed by a colleague and not sure how best to proceed. Although my night is free and I have more invitations that I normally handle, my house is clean and life is good, she pushes and pushes and pushes the buttons and I contain, contain, contain myself. It's not healthy, and I wish that I could switch it off tonight.
And I want to talk about the boy or rather the experience with the boy a little bit more seriously. I have been doing a good job of brushing him off. This is protection and it does keep me from tipping over into lala land. I don't often find attractive matches for me, so when I do, I get carried away on a helium filled balloon.
And lets face this for a moment. He's the first man since I'm single, and all of it was nice. One would react after... 4 years of desert. It's a harsh word to describe my ex relationship but it is a suitable image in a way. I didn't have the right kind of man for me. This new guy was more like it, so now I know what to look for. So he's some kind of a stepping stone.
Cause frankly, I couldn't deal with the competition.
If this reasoning sounds forced it's because it is. I'm trying to catch myself and give me a soft landing. I guess that I can grieve a little. Like an inch.
I will put my earphones on with a lullaby and calm me down.
Man, I'm writing all this down but I told you, if you are around, you can show up now. I can say that I am grateful that I've had an adventure, and that this is a nice counter-balance to the current work problem, who's subject may not have had a nice adventure last week-end, and maybe not in a long time. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But boy I need help with that one. This I know Man.
You know my address.
Amourx.
Rum Punch
I think it's time for a good things list. On the top of that list is rum, lime and sugar. Specially licking the sugar à la fin.
Other good things:
Other good things:
- My completely melted and tuned up disposition
- Ruling like a tyrannosaurus rex
- Helium brain
- Calling him a good movie reel
- Invitations for more nights than I can handle
- Great yoga class
- A fucking clean home!
- A second glass of rum as I write my good things list
- Maybe not
- Turkey in 2 weeks!
- Three girls instead of two on a trip
- Licking the sugar à la fin
Amourx.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Ligne de faille
Il y a des choses qu'il vaut mieux oublier quand on a trop d'espoir. J'ai cette manie de boire du rhum à la lime sucré ces jours-ci. Ça fait descendre toute la pression. J'ai beaucoup de stratégies pour oublier. C'était une histoire d'un soir. Une très belle histoire assez bien déroulée comme je la désirais. Je peux être satisfaite juste pour ça. Au minimum ce n'est pas un dépendant affectif. Au maximum il est marié. J'ai de quoi faire tourner des films en boucle longtemps.
Ça tombe bien car c'est vraiment désagréable au boulot. J'ai quelqu'un dans mes pattes. M'énerve. Je ne sais pas comment je vais tirer mon épine du pied. J'aimerais pouvoir être bien zen mais depuis 2 jours je flotte aux vapeurs d'hélium (voir ci-haut), je bois pour descendre un peu sur terre, et je mange sans y penser. Je pense qu'on parle de maladie d'amour dans ces conditions. À défaut d'être zen je peux basculer de la réalité bien désagréable du bureau à l'ivresse des souvenirs et de l'espoir que j'essaie d'étouffer, mais entre les deux il n'y a pas de lieux commun.
Sauf si j'essaie bien fort de me détacher de l'un comme de l'autre, et de donner le temps au temps. Ce soir je vais lire sur la condition des HSP (Highly Sensitive People) en amour. Je me suis apportée du boulot mais je ne le ferai pas. Il y a des limites à mon don que je fait de moi au boulot. Puisqu'on me rend la vie difficile, j'ai le droit de faire fuck you.
Fuck you.
Amourx.
Friday, September 16, 2011
La Roublisse
I shouldn't write about it but I'm in reaction. Such a big week with the step-sisters on tow, ended with a call and I am going to be cool just to save my face a bit. J'ai tellement envie de cet homme et je ne sais pas pourquoi on ne s'est pas encore heurter la peau. Ça doit être la faute des anguilles sous les roches.
Timidité. C'est une possibilité. De toute manière je viens de lancer l'invitation par texto beaucoup plus clairement. Si rien n'arrive, et je l'avais déjà oublié mercredi si ce n'était de ses messages décevants, c'est juste frustrant quoi. Il a quelque chose de compliqué avec une fille, ça j'ai compris.
Je m'étais trompée en tout cas, il connait toute les lettres de mon nom. Il va quand même falloir que je le roublisse si rien ne se passe, et que je trouve vivement autre peau à heurter.
Ça aura le mérite de me faire laver la maison, capitaine amour.
Amourx.
Timidité. C'est une possibilité. De toute manière je viens de lancer l'invitation par texto beaucoup plus clairement. Si rien n'arrive, et je l'avais déjà oublié mercredi si ce n'était de ses messages décevants, c'est juste frustrant quoi. Il a quelque chose de compliqué avec une fille, ça j'ai compris.
Je m'étais trompée en tout cas, il connait toute les lettres de mon nom. Il va quand même falloir que je le roublisse si rien ne se passe, et que je trouve vivement autre peau à heurter.
Ça aura le mérite de me faire laver la maison, capitaine amour.
Amourx.
Tic encore
Besoin d'attention. Poker night, fun. J'ai gagné en quelque sorte, une des deux dernières. J'ai reçu ma montre qui dit l'heure juste encore malgré que je l'ai passé dans la laveuse et ensuite envoyé par courrier pour réparer son bracelet et ça m'est revenu aujourd'hui et l'heure juste tic encore.
Je devrais pas écrire ça mais ça fait 3 fois que le gars me texte et merde. C'est toujours décevant tellement c'est vide. Il ne sait même pas encore mon nom passé les 3 première lettres! Et vraiment, c'est après celles-là que ça se joue. Fuck. Justement. Je suis frustrée. Ça aurait pu être vraiment facile pour lui. Si jamais il me retexte, je l'appelle et je l'engueule.
Vous excuserez cette écriture déferlante. Je suis un peu énervée. Besoin d'attention et d'homme. Fachée que la vie m'en donne pas là maintenant. Fachée de choses ordinaires. Je vais me rétablir. Amourx.
Je devrais pas écrire ça mais ça fait 3 fois que le gars me texte et merde. C'est toujours décevant tellement c'est vide. Il ne sait même pas encore mon nom passé les 3 première lettres! Et vraiment, c'est après celles-là que ça se joue. Fuck. Justement. Je suis frustrée. Ça aurait pu être vraiment facile pour lui. Si jamais il me retexte, je l'appelle et je l'engueule.
Vous excuserez cette écriture déferlante. Je suis un peu énervée. Besoin d'attention et d'homme. Fachée que la vie m'en donne pas là maintenant. Fachée de choses ordinaires. Je vais me rétablir. Amourx.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
More Aloof
Stress is up, waaaaay up. But going down now with a hit of rhum and lime and sugar. Aaaaah.
I also had a nice chat with sister, to vent, in between her three children claiming her attention for homework, soap, nintendo, homework and random questions. It helped. I can't go into details because I wouldn't be a professional if I did - it's work related and this blog is more aloof then that (love that word).
She left me with a picture of Cinderella and her two sisters. I wasn't one of the sisters. I like this image, it calms me. And it is quite right. I might print it and put it up at my desk hehe.
Selah Sue on the speakers singing with some dude. One more thing that helps. I know that I have some alliances and some good sense. And that sometimes you have to step up and do your shit, and I did it! I can be proud.
Cool, I've just become collected. I have some housekeeping to do. A poker night tomorrow oh yeah! A reaquaintance with girlfriends past on Friday, and a very lovely Table Champêtre for Saturday.
Luvx.
I also had a nice chat with sister, to vent, in between her three children claiming her attention for homework, soap, nintendo, homework and random questions. It helped. I can't go into details because I wouldn't be a professional if I did - it's work related and this blog is more aloof then that (love that word).
She left me with a picture of Cinderella and her two sisters. I wasn't one of the sisters. I like this image, it calms me. And it is quite right. I might print it and put it up at my desk hehe.
Selah Sue on the speakers singing with some dude. One more thing that helps. I know that I have some alliances and some good sense. And that sometimes you have to step up and do your shit, and I did it! I can be proud.
Cool, I've just become collected. I have some housekeeping to do. A poker night tomorrow oh yeah! A reaquaintance with girlfriends past on Friday, and a very lovely Table Champêtre for Saturday.
Luvx.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Taps
I am calming down. Today I was easily aroused at work and I voiced my concerns. They were all heard and acted upon so I should look back and feel good. Tap myself on the back. Yay.
I'm expecting a down because there is usually one after I have a night with too much excitement, and I refer to many things here. The people, the friends, the packed bars, the drinks... All these things make me hyper aroused, drinking helps, then I need a few days to bring me back down.
It wasn't an outlaw night per say because it was a saturday. But my evenings are off and my nights too. I need to shelter and rest peacefully with little to do. Like writing about this in a blog, listening to the rain tapping on my window, a sound which I adore.
Good things coming forth:
Meeting a new friend for the trip in... 3 weeks!
Taking my oldest friend to the food fair on Saturday
My workplace and my workmates every day
Dinner with other long lost friends on Friday
Poker night on Thursday
It's uncanny how many friends popup around me since I left my ex. I didn't think that I could count on so many. My only wish, if I may, is that I would have more guy friends. I would like to learn a little more about their species. Poker night will be with boys, work boys, so goods candidates for friendships perhaps.
Life is like a box of chocolate, you know?
Luvx.
I'm expecting a down because there is usually one after I have a night with too much excitement, and I refer to many things here. The people, the friends, the packed bars, the drinks... All these things make me hyper aroused, drinking helps, then I need a few days to bring me back down.
It wasn't an outlaw night per say because it was a saturday. But my evenings are off and my nights too. I need to shelter and rest peacefully with little to do. Like writing about this in a blog, listening to the rain tapping on my window, a sound which I adore.
Good things coming forth:
Meeting a new friend for the trip in... 3 weeks!
Taking my oldest friend to the food fair on Saturday
My workplace and my workmates every day
Dinner with other long lost friends on Friday
Poker night on Thursday
It's uncanny how many friends popup around me since I left my ex. I didn't think that I could count on so many. My only wish, if I may, is that I would have more guy friends. I would like to learn a little more about their species. Poker night will be with boys, work boys, so goods candidates for friendships perhaps.
Life is like a box of chocolate, you know?
Luvx.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Damn a-living
Well, a man found me and I finally got kissed, very well kissed, finally. The sad thing is Man, that he's not calling back and it's not me, it's him. He's married I'd say. The sooner I forget the better. But Man, that felt really sweet and now I'm really itching for it. Damn is the word indeed.
I used to feel very differently about these things. I won't delve into it but it's a lot lighter than it used to be. I once was told to stop making things so scorchingly personal, hehe. So I'm not but Man, could you please show up so that I can skip all those things and move onto you? I'm not a teenager anymore you know.
There is still a lot happening at work but I am prepared, or zen, or still into last week-end. But I have to tell you something that is more meaningful than all that. I went on a picnic at my sister's who lives in a country with acres of land. It was a superb day with family and food and kids and dogs, 4 of those. And when I gave her my hand knit hot-water-bottle-cosy (don't laugh!, read what follows), she beamed. I was sewing up on location as it happens, and when she saw it she fell quite literally in love with it. Man, I would knit one for you too if you would like.
I didn't have the time to take a picture. It's one of those gifts. Perfect.
I guess that I'm not shy to say Perfect sometimes.
For tonight I have a wish, which is to calm my mind and body down. Bath, book, dishes. Tomorrow there will be yoga and perhaps I should cycle. Perhaps I will plan my meals. Sending you all a great shout out of love cause we are a-living.
Amourx.
I used to feel very differently about these things. I won't delve into it but it's a lot lighter than it used to be. I once was told to stop making things so scorchingly personal, hehe. So I'm not but Man, could you please show up so that I can skip all those things and move onto you? I'm not a teenager anymore you know.
There is still a lot happening at work but I am prepared, or zen, or still into last week-end. But I have to tell you something that is more meaningful than all that. I went on a picnic at my sister's who lives in a country with acres of land. It was a superb day with family and food and kids and dogs, 4 of those. And when I gave her my hand knit hot-water-bottle-cosy (don't laugh!, read what follows), she beamed. I was sewing up on location as it happens, and when she saw it she fell quite literally in love with it. Man, I would knit one for you too if you would like.
I didn't have the time to take a picture. It's one of those gifts. Perfect.
I guess that I'm not shy to say Perfect sometimes.
For tonight I have a wish, which is to calm my mind and body down. Bath, book, dishes. Tomorrow there will be yoga and perhaps I should cycle. Perhaps I will plan my meals. Sending you all a great shout out of love cause we are a-living.
Amourx.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Hash up
I am on the lovely terrasse café that I always go to on a lovely sunny Saturday morning. Bless this day Man.
Many things to record today. Weight is down 2 pounds and fat % is up 1 or 2 %. This week I ate less, drank no water to speak of and didn't exercise -- sprained foot you see. It all makes very logical sense and I'm feeling in tune. Perky mood is brought to you today by striped tank top and new deep blue jeans. Oh and jade bangle bracelet noticed by all the girls and no Man. Yeah I'm a tall strong and lank girl and catch me if you can.
There is also this way of being with people but without people in the café. Out and about, me at my best, with the human proximity that I resist to take in sometimes. A low risk, high returns situation. And Led Zeppelin on the radio oh babe I need to download some of this and listen to it all day into the night.
Measurements are all a bit down from last week. Tee hee.
This week I've been thrown in a few social situations and they where meaningful (did I tell you that this is what I strive for in general, that moments get meaningful?). Style night at a restaurant and I made the assembly laugh with my spur of the moment presentation of myself. This is a very good 'check' for me.
Then a whole day of travelling to Quebec city on a pitch with two senior vps. Imagine a three hour car ride in the wee hours of the morning. A two hour presentation in which I spoke. One quick presentation of who I am and didn't bank on what I needed to say. One pretty good moment of presentation of the strategy for an interactive program. This is a good 'check' for me. A double check. There where several very important people in that room. And one fairly bad moment when I interrupted and then stumbled completely, went blank, misspoke. This got noticed by everyone, most specially my bosses I know, but no one held it against me at all. I was a secondary support in this pitch.
Then a two hour lunch, then three more hours of a drive back. Not one single moment alone. Talk about high exposure. I was very happy to be part of the day, but it's safe to say that it was hard on my nerves at the end of the day. And I ressass the bad and the ugly soo much. I'm still very much a weary, frightened girl somewhere inside. It takes time.
Onwards. Tonight a night of dancing wee-hee! This is another kind of exposure but one I can handle well. Tomorrow a birthday for which I need to knit a sock in record time. I will do a bike ride for low-impact exercise and train once this week-end. I will do food and home.
Man, if you want to pop up this week-end I will try to be on the look out.
Amourx.
Many things to record today. Weight is down 2 pounds and fat % is up 1 or 2 %. This week I ate less, drank no water to speak of and didn't exercise -- sprained foot you see. It all makes very logical sense and I'm feeling in tune. Perky mood is brought to you today by striped tank top and new deep blue jeans. Oh and jade bangle bracelet noticed by all the girls and no Man. Yeah I'm a tall strong and lank girl and catch me if you can.
There is also this way of being with people but without people in the café. Out and about, me at my best, with the human proximity that I resist to take in sometimes. A low risk, high returns situation. And Led Zeppelin on the radio oh babe I need to download some of this and listen to it all day into the night.
Measurements are all a bit down from last week. Tee hee.
This week I've been thrown in a few social situations and they where meaningful (did I tell you that this is what I strive for in general, that moments get meaningful?). Style night at a restaurant and I made the assembly laugh with my spur of the moment presentation of myself. This is a very good 'check' for me.
Then a whole day of travelling to Quebec city on a pitch with two senior vps. Imagine a three hour car ride in the wee hours of the morning. A two hour presentation in which I spoke. One quick presentation of who I am and didn't bank on what I needed to say. One pretty good moment of presentation of the strategy for an interactive program. This is a good 'check' for me. A double check. There where several very important people in that room. And one fairly bad moment when I interrupted and then stumbled completely, went blank, misspoke. This got noticed by everyone, most specially my bosses I know, but no one held it against me at all. I was a secondary support in this pitch.
Then a two hour lunch, then three more hours of a drive back. Not one single moment alone. Talk about high exposure. I was very happy to be part of the day, but it's safe to say that it was hard on my nerves at the end of the day. And I ressass the bad and the ugly soo much. I'm still very much a weary, frightened girl somewhere inside. It takes time.
Onwards. Tonight a night of dancing wee-hee! This is another kind of exposure but one I can handle well. Tomorrow a birthday for which I need to knit a sock in record time. I will do a bike ride for low-impact exercise and train once this week-end. I will do food and home.
Man, if you want to pop up this week-end I will try to be on the look out.
Amourx.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Withstanding Chaos
What I find very satisfying in my new eating habits, that is to eat food that I cook and track and nutritionally balance myself, is when every parcel of food down to the last grain of rice, or the last branches of a way-too-humoungous broccoli stalk, all of the home made chicken stew or refried potatoes get eaten. I especially love how they incorporate in many different, newly imagined, spur of the moment recipes.
I guess that I am not shy to say that I am a fairly good, intuitive and imaginative cook. My favourite kitchen moments tend to be when I make something ingenious or unexpected, or just specially delicious, out of the 5 ingredients that happen to be in the fridge. If I manage to do that and process the food without waist, then I am a very content girl. Quite happy, quite satisfied indeed.
I don't stock up a lot of food, it helps to keep things fresh and interesting to fit my mood. Todays menu turned out to be chicken breast stuffed with procciuto (I can't spell that), marinated peppers and cheese, then covered with the peppers, baked in the oven and all covered by tomato sauce half way through because I thought it would dry up if I didn't.
Man, that was good. But I also enjoyed the plain rice cooked in not-home-made chicken broth and steamed broccoli that was a good 10 days old and losing it's colour. I had that while I was waiting for the chicken to cook and Man, that was good too.
I'm thinking of referring to Man every now and then, addressing him. Not in the way some teenagers put it everywhere (or at least I used it all the time, to talk to girls or guys, I called them all Man at some point or I just said 'Man' as a general expression followed by a sigh). No, I will say Man in the same way, but I will be talking to a Man. A specific Man. Like you, perhaps. Is that all right Man? Do let me know.
So Man, the thing I enjoyed at least as much as eating this meal, was that I had cooked everything right and made a little creation out of it and nothing was waisted and nothing was unpleasantly eaten because I had to. And the leftovers are all packed into containers that where waiting neatly stacked in my two lone orderly shelfs (all others are kept in precarious but withstanding chaos), so I have tomorrow lunch time sorted.
There is something very pleasant about this simplicity. It packs up whirlwinds of creativity and sensorial essays into my mouth, my body, then neat containers for the morrow. And all of the essence of food is kept, tested, studied and used. And the palate says thank you and when can we do this again.
I need to say a few things of my day now. It is the second night that I have insomnia quite severely from 3 a.m. onwards, so my return to work was a bit muddled. However I felt particularly calm and clear while I was going through the motions. And in the morning I triggered a pretty enlightening conversation with one of the senior partners. It turns out that we have a similar worldview and interests, and I don't know how I was so pristinely articulate and focused while we talked, but I was. After our talk I sent him a reference link and not only did he knew and appreciated the author, but it ended with a citation that he's been using in his presentations of our company for the last two years. Syncronicity stuff, Man.
It's been good, and now I rest.
Amourx.
I guess that I am not shy to say that I am a fairly good, intuitive and imaginative cook. My favourite kitchen moments tend to be when I make something ingenious or unexpected, or just specially delicious, out of the 5 ingredients that happen to be in the fridge. If I manage to do that and process the food without waist, then I am a very content girl. Quite happy, quite satisfied indeed.
I don't stock up a lot of food, it helps to keep things fresh and interesting to fit my mood. Todays menu turned out to be chicken breast stuffed with procciuto (I can't spell that), marinated peppers and cheese, then covered with the peppers, baked in the oven and all covered by tomato sauce half way through because I thought it would dry up if I didn't.
Man, that was good. But I also enjoyed the plain rice cooked in not-home-made chicken broth and steamed broccoli that was a good 10 days old and losing it's colour. I had that while I was waiting for the chicken to cook and Man, that was good too.
I'm thinking of referring to Man every now and then, addressing him. Not in the way some teenagers put it everywhere (or at least I used it all the time, to talk to girls or guys, I called them all Man at some point or I just said 'Man' as a general expression followed by a sigh). No, I will say Man in the same way, but I will be talking to a Man. A specific Man. Like you, perhaps. Is that all right Man? Do let me know.
So Man, the thing I enjoyed at least as much as eating this meal, was that I had cooked everything right and made a little creation out of it and nothing was waisted and nothing was unpleasantly eaten because I had to. And the leftovers are all packed into containers that where waiting neatly stacked in my two lone orderly shelfs (all others are kept in precarious but withstanding chaos), so I have tomorrow lunch time sorted.
There is something very pleasant about this simplicity. It packs up whirlwinds of creativity and sensorial essays into my mouth, my body, then neat containers for the morrow. And all of the essence of food is kept, tested, studied and used. And the palate says thank you and when can we do this again.
I need to say a few things of my day now. It is the second night that I have insomnia quite severely from 3 a.m. onwards, so my return to work was a bit muddled. However I felt particularly calm and clear while I was going through the motions. And in the morning I triggered a pretty enlightening conversation with one of the senior partners. It turns out that we have a similar worldview and interests, and I don't know how I was so pristinely articulate and focused while we talked, but I was. After our talk I sent him a reference link and not only did he knew and appreciated the author, but it ended with a citation that he's been using in his presentations of our company for the last two years. Syncronicity stuff, Man.
It's been good, and now I rest.
Amourx.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Day Three
I spoke about my soirée, but not about my weigh-in. It went up, I weigh more (some 2 pounds), and I know why. However, this time I am also tracking my fat percentage and body measurements and luckily those are going steadily down. That is a relief, and I will continue to chart those as I progress.
My body definitely wants to be bigger, but I want it to be stronger. We will have a nice long talk and many walks.
I went shopping for clothes yesterday, and I was lucky to find two pair of jeans, a lovely cardigan, and two tanks on good sales! I paid 150$ for the lot. And the jeans are DKNY and Mavi, good brands. I wasn't looking for sales, I wanted to feel better and find nice fitting clothes for the night and for the fall. I barely looked and found all I needed. And at the last shop I also picked up a 3 inch wide green bangle-style bracelet circled in gold, for 20$.
I went on my third run and sadly, I don't think that I will be able to take up running right away. My legs aren't exactly the same length and I wear compensating insoles when I wear shoes (so in summer, I don't wear them much even if I should). Strong pain in my right hip triggered the diagnostic and the insoles seemed to do the trick - no more pain in my hip in my regular day to day walk.
But during the last run my hip was in such pain that I couldn't run the last two intervals and could barely walk straight. I'm still inflamed now but it is easing out slowly. For a good 24 hours thought it was a bit incapacitating. My physio had advised me back then to avoid impact sports on my leg. That is such a bummer!
I will have to cycle and cross-country ski and find an elliptical. The two former are super fun but they take some setting up. The elliptical is ok in bad climate, but I will have to figure out where to do that.
The other part of my plan is to get muscled up in my legs. I have noticed that my balance is poor yoga and that it had a lot to do with weak muscles. The body needs structure to hold everything up. In the same way I think that a more muscular body would hold my limbs in better place when I run, and that with my insoles maybe I wouldn't get any friction in the hip socket.
I'm feeling all right. Happy to have a long week-end.
Amourx.
2 Points
Bon. J'arrive d'une fête où on devait mettre un coeur si on est célibataire et je l'ai fait. Ah c'était tatouage aussi et alors j'en ai trouvé des jolis. Un sur un sein (ben mon chest ou en haut des sein là, c'est quoi? mais bon il tombe sur mon sein. et un sur mon bras. deux dragons qui se regardent avec un petit coeur pour chacun d'eux fait main, assez discret).
Contente d'y être allée et me suis bien amusée mais mais? Ben rien, justement. J'ai aimé la radio dans l'auto, white wedding au retour. Nirvana à l'allée. Trop bon. Je me suis débrouillée dans le social. Et donc j'ai des nuances à apporter peut-être.
Il n'y avait pas de coup de coeur. J'ai regardé. J'ai socialisé. J'ai du mal à reconnaître sur le vif les possibilités. Mais quand même je crois que cette fois j'ai bien saisie l'ensemble puisque c'était assez petit et contenu. La suite je l'écris juste pour me rappeler de garder le moral, pour nuancer. Je vous averti ça va être inventorial.
Un homme m'a arrêté sur mon nom. D'où sa vient, comment ça s'écrit, et comble... "moi mon prénom je l'écris jamais avec un accent aiguë". Weird. Ensuite je me suis mis dans un coin et ai parlé comme il faut à 2 personnes, dont un que j'ai fini par me désintéressé. Il ne m'avait pas particulièrement intéressées d'emblée, mais j'essayais, mais non.
Enfin finalement j'en ai vu un cute. Petit, mais rendu là, ça allait. Alors j'ai réussi à le détourner d'une conversation avec un autre type (1 point). J'ai réussi à avoir une conversation avec lui et il a changé de langue (point no.2), et... malgré mon intérêt soutenu après un bout, j'eut besoin de respirer un peu et je suis partie prendre mon verre à l'intérieur. Bête de même. J'ai pas vraiment senti rien de sa part qui me retenait. Pis, j'suis rentrée chez moi mais je suis bien certaine que je n'ai pas loupé quelqu'un là-bas. Bon.
Une fille pourrait se sentir découragée mais faut pas penser comme ça. Faut penser que je sors à peine de mon cocon, à peine. Une petite patte dehors pour tester l'eau. Et que dans toute l'expérience il n'y a pas eu de rejet. J'ai même été vue. J'ai même fait des efforts. Et rien ne m'est arrivée de mal. Alors, bella. Bonne nuit? D'accord. C'est un petit pas pour la Kat, un grand pas pour l'humanité.
Amourx.
Contente d'y être allée et me suis bien amusée mais mais? Ben rien, justement. J'ai aimé la radio dans l'auto, white wedding au retour. Nirvana à l'allée. Trop bon. Je me suis débrouillée dans le social. Et donc j'ai des nuances à apporter peut-être.
Il n'y avait pas de coup de coeur. J'ai regardé. J'ai socialisé. J'ai du mal à reconnaître sur le vif les possibilités. Mais quand même je crois que cette fois j'ai bien saisie l'ensemble puisque c'était assez petit et contenu. La suite je l'écris juste pour me rappeler de garder le moral, pour nuancer. Je vous averti ça va être inventorial.
Un homme m'a arrêté sur mon nom. D'où sa vient, comment ça s'écrit, et comble... "moi mon prénom je l'écris jamais avec un accent aiguë". Weird. Ensuite je me suis mis dans un coin et ai parlé comme il faut à 2 personnes, dont un que j'ai fini par me désintéressé. Il ne m'avait pas particulièrement intéressées d'emblée, mais j'essayais, mais non.
Enfin finalement j'en ai vu un cute. Petit, mais rendu là, ça allait. Alors j'ai réussi à le détourner d'une conversation avec un autre type (1 point). J'ai réussi à avoir une conversation avec lui et il a changé de langue (point no.2), et... malgré mon intérêt soutenu après un bout, j'eut besoin de respirer un peu et je suis partie prendre mon verre à l'intérieur. Bête de même. J'ai pas vraiment senti rien de sa part qui me retenait. Pis, j'suis rentrée chez moi mais je suis bien certaine que je n'ai pas loupé quelqu'un là-bas. Bon.
Une fille pourrait se sentir découragée mais faut pas penser comme ça. Faut penser que je sors à peine de mon cocon, à peine. Une petite patte dehors pour tester l'eau. Et que dans toute l'expérience il n'y a pas eu de rejet. J'ai même été vue. J'ai même fait des efforts. Et rien ne m'est arrivée de mal. Alors, bella. Bonne nuit? D'accord. C'est un petit pas pour la Kat, un grand pas pour l'humanité.
Amourx.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
About Cracks
A little status. I felt depressed yesterday night. Nothing too heavy but I want to record it. I think that I threw in a good days work, then I went home and moved very little. I had the option to run or knit or watch a movie and I didn't. I read some and fell asleep early.
Remember that song that cracked my heart in the morning? The line is fine for me between being inspired to feel love and being hurt from the feeling of loss (or something like that). I think that I crossed that line, and the song which is really a heartbreaking song of mourning, pushed me there. Cracks are unpredictable in nature, but I still welcome them, consequence and all, as long as it doesn't happen too fast. I just happened to remember love and even desire.
Friends, I think that I have enough material to make my own freaking therapy.
So, there was that. There was changing my lunch plans and running for a sandwich. And the most tangible stressor for me was forcing myself in the uber teflon team. It's a tough time for me doing that, but I should give myself props for doing it like good little robot.
I think that I may have spent too many days alone. Going to Turkey is a stressor too. And I did have my inner voice of nagging doom throwing stuff at me.
Alright, onwards. I have an open day today. A lunch to talk about Turkey with a girl that I am interested to know at work. I hope to make the work day meaningful and have good breaks. Tonight I would go for a 40 min. run/walk... maybe straight after work i'm thinking. And I have my weight training at home. Friday is open. Saturday I have a Party and from then on september has filled up with lots of social stuff. I don't know if my wee heart will open enough to see and seize the opportunity. Food for thought. Amourx.
Remember that song that cracked my heart in the morning? The line is fine for me between being inspired to feel love and being hurt from the feeling of loss (or something like that). I think that I crossed that line, and the song which is really a heartbreaking song of mourning, pushed me there. Cracks are unpredictable in nature, but I still welcome them, consequence and all, as long as it doesn't happen too fast. I just happened to remember love and even desire.
Friends, I think that I have enough material to make my own freaking therapy.
So, there was that. There was changing my lunch plans and running for a sandwich. And the most tangible stressor for me was forcing myself in the uber teflon team. It's a tough time for me doing that, but I should give myself props for doing it like good little robot.
I think that I may have spent too many days alone. Going to Turkey is a stressor too. And I did have my inner voice of nagging doom throwing stuff at me.
Alright, onwards. I have an open day today. A lunch to talk about Turkey with a girl that I am interested to know at work. I hope to make the work day meaningful and have good breaks. Tonight I would go for a 40 min. run/walk... maybe straight after work i'm thinking. And I have my weight training at home. Friday is open. Saturday I have a Party and from then on september has filled up with lots of social stuff. I don't know if my wee heart will open enough to see and seize the opportunity. Food for thought. Amourx.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Oh Yes!
Cette chanson me donne le goût de retomber en amour. Elle réveille le dragon qui dort. Si l'étranger est prêt à me trouver, ça sera épique. J'espère savoir le reconnaître, j'espère savoir l'accueillir, j'espère. C'est sur le cd merveilleux de Maggie Bjorklund. Amourx.
Je crois que c'est une chanson de deuil et de cette façon elle me brise le coeur. C'est souvent des chansons de regret qui pour moi deviennent des chansons d'espoir. J'ai jamais dis que j'étais simple. Si j'avais à l'expliquer je dirais que ça viens chercher mon subconscient, ma vie antérieure ou je ne sais trop, un vieux sentiment d'enfance peut-être. Ou tout ceux que j'ai aimé. Mais c'est définitivement un sentiment annonciateur.
Intertwined
Christy McWilson
dream dream and keep dreaming
you never know
somewhere in time
there’s a place we’ll go
two kites in the heavens
our hearts intertwined
floating along
somewhere in time
sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me
i’ll climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend
dream dream and keep dreaming
if you never knew
how deep is love
i know now you do
dream dream and keep dreaming
i’m dreaming too
somewhere in time
i’ll be with you
sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me
i’d climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend
Je crois que c'est une chanson de deuil et de cette façon elle me brise le coeur. C'est souvent des chansons de regret qui pour moi deviennent des chansons d'espoir. J'ai jamais dis que j'étais simple. Si j'avais à l'expliquer je dirais que ça viens chercher mon subconscient, ma vie antérieure ou je ne sais trop, un vieux sentiment d'enfance peut-être. Ou tout ceux que j'ai aimé. Mais c'est définitivement un sentiment annonciateur.
Intertwined
Christy McWilson
dream dream and keep dreaming
you never know
somewhere in time
there’s a place we’ll go
two kites in the heavens
our hearts intertwined
floating along
somewhere in time
sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me
i’ll climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend
dream dream and keep dreaming
if you never knew
how deep is love
i know now you do
dream dream and keep dreaming
i’m dreaming too
somewhere in time
i’ll be with you
sleep with the angels
and sing with the sea
sleep with the wind
and i’ll hear you singing to me
i’d climb that mountain again
if i had the power
to reel you back in
i’d cast off these hours
that never end
but i’m on the shoreline
so i pretend
Monday, August 29, 2011
Day Two
I went running for the second day today. I wanted to record that I was sleepy after work as usual, and I would normally go for my 9% (only two or three of those beers left in the fridge, you won't be hearing about it forever) because it is such a nice way to relax I find. But, I was going to run and I couldn't drink before a run.
I relaxed and read for an hour and then I went. And when I came back I didn't need that much of a drink. This run relaxes me equally, and I just wanted to record that. I have a giant pile of dishes to wash and well, I'm almost up for it but we'll see.
I guess what I want out of this is to be more active. More spontaneously able to get up and go, attack all tasks and head out into the world. It's what the doctor ordered too.
I haven't done well on the budget front. I don't have cash saved up for my trip, my credit cards are under 1K and I usually can pay this back fast enough, but not this time with the bills that are coming in. And my fall back credit margin is full. It's the first time that I don't have a fall back. I usually use this account to pay for my trips, and I guess that the last one took its tole. Knowing all this, I still made a 100$ spur of a moment purchase yesterday. This is my fix for sure. This time it was for headphones, two pairs. Don't ask, but they are purple and I will love them and hold them and keep them forever.
So my trip to Turkey will be borrowed on my credit card? I presume that after that I'll be orchestrating a big budget intervention or something. My plain ticket is already bought, so now I need to figure out my trip's expenses.
All in it's time. Luvx.
I relaxed and read for an hour and then I went. And when I came back I didn't need that much of a drink. This run relaxes me equally, and I just wanted to record that. I have a giant pile of dishes to wash and well, I'm almost up for it but we'll see.
I guess what I want out of this is to be more active. More spontaneously able to get up and go, attack all tasks and head out into the world. It's what the doctor ordered too.
I haven't done well on the budget front. I don't have cash saved up for my trip, my credit cards are under 1K and I usually can pay this back fast enough, but not this time with the bills that are coming in. And my fall back credit margin is full. It's the first time that I don't have a fall back. I usually use this account to pay for my trips, and I guess that the last one took its tole. Knowing all this, I still made a 100$ spur of a moment purchase yesterday. This is my fix for sure. This time it was for headphones, two pairs. Don't ask, but they are purple and I will love them and hold them and keep them forever.
So my trip to Turkey will be borrowed on my credit card? I presume that after that I'll be orchestrating a big budget intervention or something. My plain ticket is already bought, so now I need to figure out my trip's expenses.
All in it's time. Luvx.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Fleet St.
Before I get completely taken by my second beer (9% can send me away), I need to say a few things. Discovered three gems at the disk store -- why yes, i bought myself 3 old real deal compact disks. My thoughts are already very fleeting. But it is beautiful this music and this rain called Irene. Someone said she was ugly but I'd say she's regal. I love that word.
When I get back to the purpose of what was supposed to be this post I will give you a shout, but right away I can say that I feel reborn sort of. Free, finally, and together (in the singular sense of the term). It's been 6 years since I have been free and being 'together' is only starting just. This is fleeting too. I feel stronger today.
I've got these old feelings and emotions creeping back up. Substantial stuff, reminding me of who I was and I am. The little darker subversive side of me, with tentacles i hope. I thought of writing a letter to my ex's friend just to make a point... but friends, when the internet connection goes off just before you press send -- this means something. You better listen, I'm just saying.
Cooking up a lasagna now, letting the sauce simmer. This is not a metaphor. Going away with the music and the 9%, feeling good and feeling who I am. Amen.
Amourx.
When I get back to the purpose of what was supposed to be this post I will give you a shout, but right away I can say that I feel reborn sort of. Free, finally, and together (in the singular sense of the term). It's been 6 years since I have been free and being 'together' is only starting just. This is fleeting too. I feel stronger today.
I've got these old feelings and emotions creeping back up. Substantial stuff, reminding me of who I was and I am. The little darker subversive side of me, with tentacles i hope. I thought of writing a letter to my ex's friend just to make a point... but friends, when the internet connection goes off just before you press send -- this means something. You better listen, I'm just saying.
Cooking up a lasagna now, letting the sauce simmer. This is not a metaphor. Going away with the music and the 9%, feeling good and feeling who I am. Amen.
Amourx.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sonata
The weight-in this morning brought me a half a pound bigger. I'm struggling or not doing this well. Of course there was the insane outlawed night where not only drinks where drunken but food was eaten. And most nights of the week I went over my calorie limit, but I must say that I ate well and varied. I even made chicken stock and had Tonkenese style soup 3 times, yum.
I will take up running. Read the book. Should be fine. And then I say, half a pound is not the end of the world.
What else is inspiring me in this morning, let's see. I'm at the café. Yesterday it was the first night in forever that I wanted to get un and clean my kitchen without any nagging feeling behind me of what a low-po I am. It was enjoyable,even, cause I listened to podcasts and had exactly two shelfs in neat order and I guess that's all it takes. I'm contemplating doing a podcast myself. But it is quite a step to put myself out there. Though, much easier than going on stage in front of a crowd.
My friend wants to go clubbing in sleazytown and lo that is not what I'm up to. Bad music and too much drinking won't do me any good. And yes I am worried about not meeting someone forever but these places don't make me feel any better, they tend to make me feel worse. And I don't want to judge -- in fact I'm not, I'm just saying.
Can I say that I signed up to two meeting sites, received a lot of emails and immediately created a rule in my inbox to send them all to a folder called 'lost hopes', never to look at them again. Lost hope isn't for the quality of the emails, they were generic enough. It's more that I found the system overwhelming perhaps. I wasn't ready. But I think I should initiate a first date just to get in motion. It's been 6 years after all, except for a little bumpy period 4 years ago.
What would do me good? I would go to a concert if I where doing something like that. I would go to the beach or to the mountain. I would go visit the gym and maybe I would shop for a set of weights for the home. Create my new workout. I would clean my craft room so that I can buy my Singer Talent sewing machine. I would roam around town and discover stuff and have a really great day. And if someone offered to do something like that with me, I would go.
A small blond curly haired cherub just climbed on the seat beside me, no mom to be seen. Cuteness. She eventually came to corral him. He came back and was corralled back by his papa.
Amourx.
I will take up running. Read the book. Should be fine. And then I say, half a pound is not the end of the world.
What else is inspiring me in this morning, let's see. I'm at the café. Yesterday it was the first night in forever that I wanted to get un and clean my kitchen without any nagging feeling behind me of what a low-po I am. It was enjoyable,even, cause I listened to podcasts and had exactly two shelfs in neat order and I guess that's all it takes. I'm contemplating doing a podcast myself. But it is quite a step to put myself out there. Though, much easier than going on stage in front of a crowd.
My friend wants to go clubbing in sleazytown and lo that is not what I'm up to. Bad music and too much drinking won't do me any good. And yes I am worried about not meeting someone forever but these places don't make me feel any better, they tend to make me feel worse. And I don't want to judge -- in fact I'm not, I'm just saying.
Can I say that I signed up to two meeting sites, received a lot of emails and immediately created a rule in my inbox to send them all to a folder called 'lost hopes', never to look at them again. Lost hope isn't for the quality of the emails, they were generic enough. It's more that I found the system overwhelming perhaps. I wasn't ready. But I think I should initiate a first date just to get in motion. It's been 6 years after all, except for a little bumpy period 4 years ago.
What would do me good? I would go to a concert if I where doing something like that. I would go to the beach or to the mountain. I would go visit the gym and maybe I would shop for a set of weights for the home. Create my new workout. I would clean my craft room so that I can buy my Singer Talent sewing machine. I would roam around town and discover stuff and have a really great day. And if someone offered to do something like that with me, I would go.
A small blond curly haired cherub just climbed on the seat beside me, no mom to be seen. Cuteness. She eventually came to corral him. He came back and was corralled back by his papa.
Amourx.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Continental
I think that indeed I must have lived something meaningful last Sunday. A small crack in a crusty, thick and dusty tectonic plate, bringing light in dark forgotten places. It might even be permanent! And I may want to keep prying at those old crusts, but not too fast. It's fun to think that inside I may have a world as vast and as old as our continents.
I have been tired most of the week. Nights like Sunday, where there is clearly too much drinking, too little sleeping and too much fun, I call outlaw nights. It scared me that a single outlaw night could cause this. But now I think that I'm covering a cold. Sometimes I don't get much symptoms other that being exceedingly tired. That must mean that I'm in good health.
Week-end ahead and I am looking forward to time alone again. I would go on a road trip, would love to, but I may be quiet at home too. It's not that I don't love people, I do, but I get drained easily. When I get used to someone's company it's fine, but being around new people all the time is not relaxing for me.
Work has been hard this week mainly because of my cold if that's what it is. Monday was impossible as if I was a teenager again, almost still drunk from the night before. Wednesday I did an easy internal presentation and my speech got entangled quite a bit aarg (public speaking nerves anyone?) - I want to work on that. Tuesday morning I went to the yoga class yay! It's such a great class for me. But I've been eating out a lot this week and my diet is sub par -- so lets see what the scale tells me on Saturday.
Luvx.
I have been tired most of the week. Nights like Sunday, where there is clearly too much drinking, too little sleeping and too much fun, I call outlaw nights. It scared me that a single outlaw night could cause this. But now I think that I'm covering a cold. Sometimes I don't get much symptoms other that being exceedingly tired. That must mean that I'm in good health.
Week-end ahead and I am looking forward to time alone again. I would go on a road trip, would love to, but I may be quiet at home too. It's not that I don't love people, I do, but I get drained easily. When I get used to someone's company it's fine, but being around new people all the time is not relaxing for me.
Work has been hard this week mainly because of my cold if that's what it is. Monday was impossible as if I was a teenager again, almost still drunk from the night before. Wednesday I did an easy internal presentation and my speech got entangled quite a bit aarg (public speaking nerves anyone?) - I want to work on that. Tuesday morning I went to the yoga class yay! It's such a great class for me. But I've been eating out a lot this week and my diet is sub par -- so lets see what the scale tells me on Saturday.
Luvx.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Rideau!
Un vent de stupeur fatiguée me travaille. Mon ex me trompait, je m'en doutait. Mais aussi peu que je puis dire que je l'aimais, ça fera toujours mal comme un poignard dans coeur. Normal. Je sais pas si c'est les drogues prescrites, la fatigue, ou la liberté que j'aie qui tempère le tout, je n'en verserai plus de larme, pas pour lui.
Liberté que j'ai - c'est très très rarement, je casse des moules. J'ai l'impression d'en avoir cassé un ce week-end, et c'est dans l'expression que ça se trouve. Dire ce qu'on vit, savoir qu'on est pas seule. Mais c'était aussi une beuverie délurée. Je suis un peu sous un leurre, je le sens aussi.
N'empeche que ça a l'effet bien réel que je m'ouvre au monde comme si j'étais naturellement désinhibée, et que le rideau noir c'est levé. Personne n'est une menace, tout es simple. Damn que je suis parano derrière le rideau. J'espère tant qu'il ne tombe plus jamais.
Amourx.
Liberté que j'ai - c'est très très rarement, je casse des moules. J'ai l'impression d'en avoir cassé un ce week-end, et c'est dans l'expression que ça se trouve. Dire ce qu'on vit, savoir qu'on est pas seule. Mais c'était aussi une beuverie délurée. Je suis un peu sous un leurre, je le sens aussi.
N'empeche que ça a l'effet bien réel que je m'ouvre au monde comme si j'étais naturellement désinhibée, et que le rideau noir c'est levé. Personne n'est une menace, tout es simple. Damn que je suis parano derrière le rideau. J'espère tant qu'il ne tombe plus jamais.
Amourx.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Now
An interesting thing happened last night. 5 smart, independent, beautiful girls met over delicious bites and copious drinks. It was an illegal to drink night because of work the next day. Somehow we bonded so much that each had a breakthrough reveal, some tears and lots of laughter.
It's magnificent because we tough skinned women are hard to break-through. When we are not trying to survive, we often compete, compare, doubt and more importantly we do this in silence. Each holding her secret of pain like a dead talisman weight. It's a rare thing when three, let alone five women raise the curtain and reveal it. And it is a powerful thing when it happens. For once we are not alone, and our ugly secret wasn't, and we weren't bad as we thought, we were all right all along. We never said it, but once it is said, it goes away a little bit. Whatever hardship it was that kept us suffering in silence and apart.
When women talk we become free and powerful again. I will remember this. Life is bigger outside of the confines that we build around ours, our thick protection. When you say the word, you free yourself. Amourx.
I also learned what i suspected about my ex, and it hurt. But that will pass. I do need to move on, and most especially, love myself now.
It's magnificent because we tough skinned women are hard to break-through. When we are not trying to survive, we often compete, compare, doubt and more importantly we do this in silence. Each holding her secret of pain like a dead talisman weight. It's a rare thing when three, let alone five women raise the curtain and reveal it. And it is a powerful thing when it happens. For once we are not alone, and our ugly secret wasn't, and we weren't bad as we thought, we were all right all along. We never said it, but once it is said, it goes away a little bit. Whatever hardship it was that kept us suffering in silence and apart.
When women talk we become free and powerful again. I will remember this. Life is bigger outside of the confines that we build around ours, our thick protection. When you say the word, you free yourself. Amourx.
I also learned what i suspected about my ex, and it hurt. But that will pass. I do need to move on, and most especially, love myself now.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Housekeeping
Hello Eternal readers of the spotless mind,
I have jotted down who my man would be, and I thought I would print it here for the record. Anyone like this may apply:
He's Tall - 6 feet at least. I will consider 5'10 and up if he is really truly great.
His build is fit, average, thin or a few extra pounds. I don't like heavy overweight or ultra muscular.
His temper is calm, alert and engaged. He is smart and mature, kind, perceptive, patient, adventurous, curious, proactive, mysterious, gutsy, active, imaginative, sensual, fun, playful.
He's different. He's not looking for bling or just a fling, though he has those of course. He may speak different tongues and he may be from any nationality. I do like bright and deep eyes that can ruffle my insides with just a look.
It's important that he isn't overly jealous or controlling or dominant, but a bit of the first and last are ok for spice.
I have jotted down who my man would be, and I thought I would print it here for the record. Anyone like this may apply:
He's Tall - 6 feet at least. I will consider 5'10 and up if he is really truly great.
His build is fit, average, thin or a few extra pounds. I don't like heavy overweight or ultra muscular.
His temper is calm, alert and engaged. He is smart and mature, kind, perceptive, patient, adventurous, curious, proactive, mysterious, gutsy, active, imaginative, sensual, fun, playful.
He's different. He's not looking for bling or just a fling, though he has those of course. He may speak different tongues and he may be from any nationality. I do like bright and deep eyes that can ruffle my insides with just a look.
It's important that he isn't overly jealous or controlling or dominant, but a bit of the first and last are ok for spice.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Candy, Beer, Singles and Rocks
Back from work. I had a rocky day again on an emotional level. Found I was bleeding which explains some of the sensitivity I have. I was fiery and angry in the morning. I fasted because of yesterday's calories, but the 3 gigantic bags of chocolate and candy left unattended on my colleagues desk got me, and I had those for breakfast.
Meeting, interviewing, work-lunches with boys so I had 2 beers with my salad. Nothing overly difficult and not a hard day, and truly fabulous weather and an invitation to go out later that I accepted, because as a rule I accept invitations. It's a tough choice though because what I really want to do is go hide under a rock, and stay there for a couple days.
I'm back to wearying about meeting men or not meeting me. Cause singles around me are filing rank and getting back into couples. I feel jealous, deficient and lowly about that. Ho hum. Not so good.
A good 2-3 days alone talking to no-one should help, should help.
Amourx.
Meeting, interviewing, work-lunches with boys so I had 2 beers with my salad. Nothing overly difficult and not a hard day, and truly fabulous weather and an invitation to go out later that I accepted, because as a rule I accept invitations. It's a tough choice though because what I really want to do is go hide under a rock, and stay there for a couple days.
I'm back to wearying about meeting men or not meeting me. Cause singles around me are filing rank and getting back into couples. I feel jealous, deficient and lowly about that. Ho hum. Not so good.
A good 2-3 days alone talking to no-one should help, should help.
Amourx.
Calm Terribly
Anxiety has been rising this week and I have been feeling not so hot about myself. There is change at work - I am losing a team member who is going to a good place, and we are hiring two or even three new people. Should be good news but I am surely reacting to uncertainties. The bigger emotion though comes from being pushed away from teams and indeed, unwillingly, from my own boss. I know that it is not personal, but it still matters. I have addressed it and am satisfied that I did what I should have done, and actions are taken in the right direction. But it can explain why I feel lowly about myself.
On the better front I have exercised ahead of time wednesday because I knew I wouldn't have time or inclination yesterday since it was my mother's birthday and we went out to dinner. I ate a whopping 1400 calories in this meal, and I don't think that I counted everything! But fun was had and that is what counts of course :-). My mom looked beautiful in a modern silky deep lilac shirt and cropped hair. And my whole family including the kiddies where colour coordinated. Except for the 2 teenagers but that is fitting.
From the pile of self-help books that I bought I am currently reading The Highly Sensitive Person (that's me), Smart Women Finish Rich and Nourir son cerveau (Feeding our brain). I created a budget in the spark budget website, and intend to get a hold of my financial life as well as my fitness.
I still crave the intense calm that I have when I spend entire days alone without speaking to anyone. I need calm terribly.
Tomorrow I intend to go to the NDG art/food festival. Saturday I have a pool-side get together with good girlfriends in suburbia. As long as I get calm, I think that I will indeed find beautiful life.
Amourx.
On the better front I have exercised ahead of time wednesday because I knew I wouldn't have time or inclination yesterday since it was my mother's birthday and we went out to dinner. I ate a whopping 1400 calories in this meal, and I don't think that I counted everything! But fun was had and that is what counts of course :-). My mom looked beautiful in a modern silky deep lilac shirt and cropped hair. And my whole family including the kiddies where colour coordinated. Except for the 2 teenagers but that is fitting.
From the pile of self-help books that I bought I am currently reading The Highly Sensitive Person (that's me), Smart Women Finish Rich and Nourir son cerveau (Feeding our brain). I created a budget in the spark budget website, and intend to get a hold of my financial life as well as my fitness.
I still crave the intense calm that I have when I spend entire days alone without speaking to anyone. I need calm terribly.
Tomorrow I intend to go to the NDG art/food festival. Saturday I have a pool-side get together with good girlfriends in suburbia. As long as I get calm, I think that I will indeed find beautiful life.
Amourx.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
In the Garden
I hesitate to copy this thread of fitness idea over to the Spark site, cause one of the best thing about blogging is going back in years to find out how you have been in the past. I worry that fitness is not interesting to most people, or not unique enough to talk about. But I don't really post for others. Specially since I don't get read hehe.
I like this. Writing is probably 50% of the fun and it is effective for me. Getting read is great too but I don't force this at all. So.
I feel great actually. I have only trained for 2.5 weeks, 3 times a week for 30 minutes except for when I do the morning yoga class that is 60 minutes. I wanted to start slow and easy, cause I felt unbalanced. My muscles were so underused that my body lacked structure, it seemed. I'm eaten balanced and controlled meals throughout, and drinking more water. And now I already have what feels like a foundation and it makes a world of a difference. It is grounding to feel that your body is there, strong and ready. I am lucky to respond so quickly to light training.
I've spoken about issues to my boss/colleague and have been heard. There is a whirlwind of change in my department and it is getting handled smoothly. I believe I have something to do with that smoothness.
I've decided not to bother hunting for man at all, for the season at least. It makes me anxious and weary. And I have things to tend to that are neglected -- my home and various appointments and stuff. I would love to meet the man, or indeed a man, of course. I'm actually going through a process veering away from someone that I am attracted too. Nothing heavy, it's kind of sweet, and it's all in my head. That's how I am, big inner life.
I bought 10 books at the used bookshop and 8 of them are some form of self-help (including fitness and nutrition). I have some tending to do in the garden, I'd say.
Amourx.
I like this. Writing is probably 50% of the fun and it is effective for me. Getting read is great too but I don't force this at all. So.
I feel great actually. I have only trained for 2.5 weeks, 3 times a week for 30 minutes except for when I do the morning yoga class that is 60 minutes. I wanted to start slow and easy, cause I felt unbalanced. My muscles were so underused that my body lacked structure, it seemed. I'm eaten balanced and controlled meals throughout, and drinking more water. And now I already have what feels like a foundation and it makes a world of a difference. It is grounding to feel that your body is there, strong and ready. I am lucky to respond so quickly to light training.
I've spoken about issues to my boss/colleague and have been heard. There is a whirlwind of change in my department and it is getting handled smoothly. I believe I have something to do with that smoothness.
I've decided not to bother hunting for man at all, for the season at least. It makes me anxious and weary. And I have things to tend to that are neglected -- my home and various appointments and stuff. I would love to meet the man, or indeed a man, of course. I'm actually going through a process veering away from someone that I am attracted too. Nothing heavy, it's kind of sweet, and it's all in my head. That's how I am, big inner life.
I bought 10 books at the used bookshop and 8 of them are some form of self-help (including fitness and nutrition). I have some tending to do in the garden, I'd say.
Amourx.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Step1 - Focus
In keeping with the Spark program but a little more privately here, where I believe that I have no readers hehe, I am going to try to focus and write down my goals.
If the scale is correct today then I have 20 pounds to lose. This small goal isn't exactly the ultimate objective, but it may serve as barometer of how I am doing and it is also a vector for positive change. A good start.
What do I want out of life?
Keep mental health. This means to keep taking care of my anxiety and depressive tendencies. Keep learning skills to manage stress and anxiety. Improve my self esteem. Take breaks and vacations when they are needed, rest enough, fight repression, etc.
Nurture and develop relationships in love, friendship and family.
Be fit and healthy.
Become a visible figure in society. Host, give speech, give presentations, conferences.
Open my house to the world. This means to conquer clutter, cleaning, organization as well as hosting dinner parties and all kinds of parties.
I think that those are very good goals indeed.
Luvx
If the scale is correct today then I have 20 pounds to lose. This small goal isn't exactly the ultimate objective, but it may serve as barometer of how I am doing and it is also a vector for positive change. A good start.
What do I want out of life?
Keep mental health. This means to keep taking care of my anxiety and depressive tendencies. Keep learning skills to manage stress and anxiety. Improve my self esteem. Take breaks and vacations when they are needed, rest enough, fight repression, etc.
Nurture and develop relationships in love, friendship and family.
Be fit and healthy.
Become a visible figure in society. Host, give speech, give presentations, conferences.
Open my house to the world. This means to conquer clutter, cleaning, organization as well as hosting dinner parties and all kinds of parties.
I think that those are very good goals indeed.
Luvx
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Hair, Weight, Age
Morning after night with girlfriends. I'm happy to report that my late thirties self is not frazzled like my late twenties self was. Hurray. And that my hair is wild and tamed, surely one of the nicer things of growing up.
I was on spark (yes) and can blog about my weight if you please. I have both gained weight and confidence lately. The confidence has to do with the way I dress and that comes from an attitude. It goes like this. Can I wear this? Dare I wear this? Yes? Then do it. There is no other day like today, and I prefer mistakes over inhibition anytime.
The scale is particularly high this morning, but I feel good.
I was on spark (yes) and can blog about my weight if you please. I have both gained weight and confidence lately. The confidence has to do with the way I dress and that comes from an attitude. It goes like this. Can I wear this? Dare I wear this? Yes? Then do it. There is no other day like today, and I prefer mistakes over inhibition anytime.
The scale is particularly high this morning, but I feel good.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Not so Easy
I must come here when I am a tiny tidbit low, cause here I am again sitting on that fence. Not terribly low at all, but just looking at low, weary.
I have just returned from a solo holiday. It was perfect and I didn't get bored one minute. I drove for 600 miles all in all. Spent it at my usual getaway, Charlevoix, had a glorious suite, saw a classical music concert, went kayaking and saw many belugas. Also I read and knit, saw some family and am a generally happy camper.
But it's day two upon my return. I'm frightfully antsy or angry at work. My temper is off, way off. Just from vibes mainly. I'm sort of aware that it's mainly a me-thing. It will smooth out I'm sure.
I am starting to be weary of... meeting someone. Just normally, as time goes by, I'm not sure how it will go. I have already identified that it is not a group thing. You don't gang up and go meet. Check. I accept all invitations, but alas I have not had one from a man. I haven't pinpointed a man to invite either. And well, I'd like to run into one soon and that I could go about all that all easy. That's all.
Amourx
I have just returned from a solo holiday. It was perfect and I didn't get bored one minute. I drove for 600 miles all in all. Spent it at my usual getaway, Charlevoix, had a glorious suite, saw a classical music concert, went kayaking and saw many belugas. Also I read and knit, saw some family and am a generally happy camper.
But it's day two upon my return. I'm frightfully antsy or angry at work. My temper is off, way off. Just from vibes mainly. I'm sort of aware that it's mainly a me-thing. It will smooth out I'm sure.
I am starting to be weary of... meeting someone. Just normally, as time goes by, I'm not sure how it will go. I have already identified that it is not a group thing. You don't gang up and go meet. Check. I accept all invitations, but alas I have not had one from a man. I haven't pinpointed a man to invite either. And well, I'd like to run into one soon and that I could go about all that all easy. That's all.
Amourx
Friday, July 22, 2011
Twelve o'clock
This is a down, my first one, coming after mostly highs but it's never pretty to be here. Therefor I look at things starkly even if I am not poorly, not neglected, not unloved... but. I can look at it starkly.
I'd say the past 7 years have been something like a electro-ressucitation that started with a relationship, a struggle and a loss. Deep insatisfaction with my occupation (but at least I had something whereas before that nothing was sure), a firing, then a challenging job and finally a decent one. A long relationship with the wrong guy. And here I am asking again the same question: will I be loved. Will I be seen.
Fuck Fuck Fuck I don't want to go there, probably won't stay long. I'm working on it a lot. I'm a hard worker. I work. This is brought to you by too hot weather and too cheap sangria alone.
love.
I'd say the past 7 years have been something like a electro-ressucitation that started with a relationship, a struggle and a loss. Deep insatisfaction with my occupation (but at least I had something whereas before that nothing was sure), a firing, then a challenging job and finally a decent one. A long relationship with the wrong guy. And here I am asking again the same question: will I be loved. Will I be seen.
Fuck Fuck Fuck I don't want to go there, probably won't stay long. I'm working on it a lot. I'm a hard worker. I work. This is brought to you by too hot weather and too cheap sangria alone.
love.
Question de vieux
Est-ce que j'ai encore, par hasard, des lecteurs de l'époque ancienne - du temps de la neige et de la poésie? Suis-je encore une rubrique dans un vieux fil rss ignoré? Je me demande.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Record
Um - I am a bit sick and deaf in one year. It's fine because I just had an invitation to the U2 concert on Friday, so I won't need earplugs, well maybe just one.
The moral is where it's at here on the descentes/girlinabottle blog my people, you all know that. And so, the moral is... ok.
I stayed home today because of this weird cold - I missed a day of of training (but I will be able to take it back) and something went god-awfully wrong at work and if I had been there, it would have made a difference. But hey I won't talk about work otherwise the rumors that I'm still too much in my work will turn out true.
Love? No. I'm not needy right now. I have girlfriends and a few regrets - I'm still an odd duck socially. But eventually I will need to see the world.
This isn't helping. But it is a record.
Amourx
The moral is where it's at here on the descentes/girlinabottle blog my people, you all know that. And so, the moral is... ok.
I stayed home today because of this weird cold - I missed a day of of training (but I will be able to take it back) and something went god-awfully wrong at work and if I had been there, it would have made a difference. But hey I won't talk about work otherwise the rumors that I'm still too much in my work will turn out true.
Love? No. I'm not needy right now. I have girlfriends and a few regrets - I'm still an odd duck socially. But eventually I will need to see the world.
This isn't helping. But it is a record.
Amourx
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Free
Well well well, it has been a good spell.
I have been up to some stuff, namely:
I made myself single
Well that's the biggest thing. I'm sick to-day so I won't be brilliant. I have had the itch to write some more in here, cause we all know that I am not a talker. And some things need to be written. So.
I still put too much of me in work, but I am getting better and having more fun. I have had the most girlfriend nights and chats since I left high school. I talk about my breakup to all who ask - I'm usually at peace. Sometimes a tad weary, but I get back on track quickly.
I have not made a move towards new men. Could they not come to me i say... I think I'm still tired and need to shape up. Oh and on that topic, I'm feeling a bit larger than I'd like to be, but, I still like me, even this way.
I'm still me, just a bit more free.
Amourx.
I have been up to some stuff, namely:
I made myself single
Well that's the biggest thing. I'm sick to-day so I won't be brilliant. I have had the itch to write some more in here, cause we all know that I am not a talker. And some things need to be written. So.
I still put too much of me in work, but I am getting better and having more fun. I have had the most girlfriend nights and chats since I left high school. I talk about my breakup to all who ask - I'm usually at peace. Sometimes a tad weary, but I get back on track quickly.
I have not made a move towards new men. Could they not come to me i say... I think I'm still tired and need to shape up. Oh and on that topic, I'm feeling a bit larger than I'd like to be, but, I still like me, even this way.
I'm still me, just a bit more free.
Amourx.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Debâcle
J'ai décider de commencer à laisser la glace se fendre. J'ouvre la porte. J'attends d'entendre les sourds sons. À suivre.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Sweeping
Hey there, this is a calm Tuesday morning and I'd like to gather my thoughts before I head out.
I noticed that I can imagine a flickering fire flame when it comes to how my mind jumps around. In the morning my mind is hyperactive, but my body is most definitely not. During yoga practice last week I visualized the flame and how I can turn it still and change it's color and kind. This is a good tool for me I think.
Today it's definitely jumping around. Maybe this is why I turn to knitting these days, it keeps me in repetition and my mind just barely attending to it.
I've been doing a 'supermarket diet' -- a very balanced, healthy meal plan with readily available food from the supermarket. The recipes are insane and the quality of my meals has made leaps and bound upwards (plus I lost 5 pounds), but now at week 3, I don't have a set menu to follow and I am trailing a bit behind. There has been a dishwasher accident (where I fell on it and broke its door -- it was open), and I have mountains of dishes to make. This is slowing me down.
I must leave now but lo and behold, I am doing ok and trailing up, I think.
Good things:
Nice meals
Knitting gifts and doing the online knit-along
Shopping books and bags
A friendly office space
A respite at work
February sweeping by
I noticed that I can imagine a flickering fire flame when it comes to how my mind jumps around. In the morning my mind is hyperactive, but my body is most definitely not. During yoga practice last week I visualized the flame and how I can turn it still and change it's color and kind. This is a good tool for me I think.
Today it's definitely jumping around. Maybe this is why I turn to knitting these days, it keeps me in repetition and my mind just barely attending to it.
I've been doing a 'supermarket diet' -- a very balanced, healthy meal plan with readily available food from the supermarket. The recipes are insane and the quality of my meals has made leaps and bound upwards (plus I lost 5 pounds), but now at week 3, I don't have a set menu to follow and I am trailing a bit behind. There has been a dishwasher accident (where I fell on it and broke its door -- it was open), and I have mountains of dishes to make. This is slowing me down.
I must leave now but lo and behold, I am doing ok and trailing up, I think.
Good things:
Nice meals
Knitting gifts and doing the online knit-along
Shopping books and bags
A friendly office space
A respite at work
February sweeping by
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Calm and Cold
Good things of today
Yoga in the morning at work
Friends at work
Heat at home against the coldest felt day in the year
A cleanish house
Time to knit
Time to cook
Calm
Amourx.
Yoga in the morning at work
Friends at work
Heat at home against the coldest felt day in the year
A cleanish house
Time to knit
Time to cook
Calm
Amourx.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Cinnamon
Good things of today
peanut-butter-apple-honey-cinnamon toast
honestly, try it
mango curry chicken salad
making shrimp pineapple stir-fry
eating with the girls at work
friendships and support
a cleanish house
Good energy!
A Blue! Coat.
Maybe lost 2 pounds
Eating so good on a diet
Cooking again
Rest.
Things I want to do:
Knit a sock mindlessly
Make a list of things to give away or sell
Art Decorate
Keep the energy up
Won't do for now
09 income tax
dentist
peanut-butter-apple-honey-cinnamon toast
honestly, try it
mango curry chicken salad
making shrimp pineapple stir-fry
eating with the girls at work
friendships and support
a cleanish house
Good energy!
A Blue! Coat.
Maybe lost 2 pounds
Eating so good on a diet
Cooking again
Rest.
Things I want to do:
Knit a sock mindlessly
Make a list of things to give away or sell
Art Decorate
Keep the energy up
Won't do for now
09 income tax
dentist
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Crisp
Belle journée dans le nord incluant du ski sur des pentes douces, je les sens encore. Ça enjolive le temps. Le spa ensuite, le motel, la longue route en voiture. Tout ce que j'aime.
Amourx.
Amourx.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Je vais savoir
Je me demande s'il y a du sens ou du mal à écouter buddha en buvant du vin. Vous croyez?
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Inspiration du moment
J'ai découvert Houzz.com dernièrement et depuis ce temps, je n'ai aucun problème d'inspiration pour mon condo, qui est toujours en mode 'fonctionnel mais sans personnalité', sauf pour le petit désordre qui est ma signature. Ils montrent même des scènes de paysage grec et de jardins du monde aujourd'hui, qui sans être des idées déco, me réjouissent toute autant et je rêve d'un petit voyage secret.
Je suis aussi inspirée par le yoga, qui me donne aussi envie de faire un voyage du autre type. Je pense que je peux prendre cette voix plutôt que de voir un psy, c'est efficace et beaucoup plus naturel et facile.
Voilà pour le moment. Pour mon blogue, mon blogue futur, j'essaie de tendre un filet sur le sol. Un jour il s'y déposera je crois bien.
Amourx.
Je suis aussi inspirée par le yoga, qui me donne aussi envie de faire un voyage du autre type. Je pense que je peux prendre cette voix plutôt que de voir un psy, c'est efficace et beaucoup plus naturel et facile.
Voilà pour le moment. Pour mon blogue, mon blogue futur, j'essaie de tendre un filet sur le sol. Un jour il s'y déposera je crois bien.
Amourx.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
AntiRev
Hey there. This is morning 2 of my 2011 work year. I didn't make any resolutions but I wanted to file a progress report. I know I need pics to file my progress and I'm thinking of doing in a less personal blog. It would be interesting that you see the state of my home, and that I see it too. This year I would like to discover ways to make my life easier, prettier, better without any big, tiresome expense of money. That's easy to say after buying me all this nice stuff during the holiday break, hehe.
So without any resolutions made, I had started to clean on sunday. Just an hour or two, spread out in the hole day. Lifting and hiding away clothes, dishes and specially great balls of dust from all over the floor gives a noticeable lift to my spirit. Must remember the huge effort-to-benefit ratio. Cause I will live a long time in dusty messy places (hear years) and a matching mood. I 'know' this even when I'm down, but don't often act on it.
When I am cleaning, I am sometimes conscious of the harsh inner critic that is making it all extra painful. When I see the detail of a mess, say a sock in a ball of dust, I get very wearied. It's very discouraging. So now, I take special care in noticing that I don't dislike the detail of a task. I try to pay attention to the moment. This is not tedious, or difficult, hell it can even be pleasant. Hands in warm suds gently stroking dishes that will help to nourish me later. Watching dirty water emptying out after a deep clean.
Yesterday I thought I'd clean one thing, and ended up washing the kitchen cabinet doors and floors. This is again a high impact clean-up that is not difficult or lengthy. I think that I can fly with this concept.
There is no thoughts about my work today because I feel that it is well contained - yay - and that I can start filling up the other parts of my life. Such as eating. I would like to start preparing my own food because I have a hunch that this will help me find pleasure back. I'm still not easily inspired, but I decided to go to the market during lunch and buy one food everyday. Well yesterday I bought some celery and I'm not sure how to prepare it, so I've been eating solely spaghetti with a meat sauce I prepared on Sunday for lunch, dinner, and lunch today again. Well at least I made it, and that's fun. I can't taste it much because I am still fully congested.
I finished the side to side part of a shrug that I knit over the holidays. It's very big. Perhaps too big. I am pausing because I'm not sure if I want to seam it before or after blocking. Ho hum... probably before... it will be harder to seam but faster, cause this thing is very dense, it takes days to dry up.
Righty-ho, on with my day. May yours be a pleasant one.
Amourx.
So without any resolutions made, I had started to clean on sunday. Just an hour or two, spread out in the hole day. Lifting and hiding away clothes, dishes and specially great balls of dust from all over the floor gives a noticeable lift to my spirit. Must remember the huge effort-to-benefit ratio. Cause I will live a long time in dusty messy places (hear years) and a matching mood. I 'know' this even when I'm down, but don't often act on it.
When I am cleaning, I am sometimes conscious of the harsh inner critic that is making it all extra painful. When I see the detail of a mess, say a sock in a ball of dust, I get very wearied. It's very discouraging. So now, I take special care in noticing that I don't dislike the detail of a task. I try to pay attention to the moment. This is not tedious, or difficult, hell it can even be pleasant. Hands in warm suds gently stroking dishes that will help to nourish me later. Watching dirty water emptying out after a deep clean.
Yesterday I thought I'd clean one thing, and ended up washing the kitchen cabinet doors and floors. This is again a high impact clean-up that is not difficult or lengthy. I think that I can fly with this concept.
There is no thoughts about my work today because I feel that it is well contained - yay - and that I can start filling up the other parts of my life. Such as eating. I would like to start preparing my own food because I have a hunch that this will help me find pleasure back. I'm still not easily inspired, but I decided to go to the market during lunch and buy one food everyday. Well yesterday I bought some celery and I'm not sure how to prepare it, so I've been eating solely spaghetti with a meat sauce I prepared on Sunday for lunch, dinner, and lunch today again. Well at least I made it, and that's fun. I can't taste it much because I am still fully congested.
I finished the side to side part of a shrug that I knit over the holidays. It's very big. Perhaps too big. I am pausing because I'm not sure if I want to seam it before or after blocking. Ho hum... probably before... it will be harder to seam but faster, cause this thing is very dense, it takes days to dry up.
Righty-ho, on with my day. May yours be a pleasant one.
Amourx.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
2011 More and better
Hey there,
I just wanted to drop you a note, to say hey, I'm fine, I'm here. I'm still killing it.
It's new years. I've been quiet. How does this change things... Well I've been sick too, a cold forced me to bed most of the week. I didn't suffer, I just had to kick back. I couldn't turn the world around, but I never can in a holiday.
I didn't set foot outside today. I wanted to recharge - I can never do that enough. I cleaned and cooked and made hot lemonade and it was never difficult. Nothing I can't handle.
I ordered a big tv and sound system, after the day I bought an electric kettle and a slow cooker and a zipped knit hoody made with some alpaca that's very warm. Yesterday, I ordered an entire Mary Kay kit from my sister. It's more buying stuff for me and pays my sister too. But certainly it was superfluous (I wear little makeup).
The tv set was a spur of the moment thing but I think that it will do me good. I will rearrange my living room and start adding personal touches to my home. I got it because of netflix and the fact that video stores around my place are crap. This way i get to plug in my computer and play anything, or download straight from netflix from the blue ray player that came with it. It's pretty stuff, bought at a good bargain, at the best moment I think.
Am I avoiding things well, yes. Not exercise cause I was sick, I will start again this week. Not work cause I am anxious about it, but this is not starting today (tomorrow, yes). My love life, yes. This is unchanging. I just know that I inhibit a lot, if that's a verb. I do need to change it this year.
The pills... they are keeping me even steven. I don't know if this flattens me out, makes me care a little bit less. I think so. But under the fog I'm still there and I remember, that I want more and better.
Happy 2011, hope you are well.
Amourx.
I just wanted to drop you a note, to say hey, I'm fine, I'm here. I'm still killing it.
It's new years. I've been quiet. How does this change things... Well I've been sick too, a cold forced me to bed most of the week. I didn't suffer, I just had to kick back. I couldn't turn the world around, but I never can in a holiday.
I didn't set foot outside today. I wanted to recharge - I can never do that enough. I cleaned and cooked and made hot lemonade and it was never difficult. Nothing I can't handle.
I ordered a big tv and sound system, after the day I bought an electric kettle and a slow cooker and a zipped knit hoody made with some alpaca that's very warm. Yesterday, I ordered an entire Mary Kay kit from my sister. It's more buying stuff for me and pays my sister too. But certainly it was superfluous (I wear little makeup).
The tv set was a spur of the moment thing but I think that it will do me good. I will rearrange my living room and start adding personal touches to my home. I got it because of netflix and the fact that video stores around my place are crap. This way i get to plug in my computer and play anything, or download straight from netflix from the blue ray player that came with it. It's pretty stuff, bought at a good bargain, at the best moment I think.
Am I avoiding things well, yes. Not exercise cause I was sick, I will start again this week. Not work cause I am anxious about it, but this is not starting today (tomorrow, yes). My love life, yes. This is unchanging. I just know that I inhibit a lot, if that's a verb. I do need to change it this year.
The pills... they are keeping me even steven. I don't know if this flattens me out, makes me care a little bit less. I think so. But under the fog I'm still there and I remember, that I want more and better.
Happy 2011, hope you are well.
Amourx.
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