Samedi matin pluvieux. Je suis mieux accordé avec ce temps. Je suis au café, espace neutre ou je suis toujours de meilleure mine que chez moi. Je reviens.
J'ai beaucoup d'inspiration. Hier soir, trop lasse pour m'y mettre, j'ai pensé écrire une histoire plein d'amour, avec juste de l'amour, juste belle. Ça serait très bien.
Présentement je me rappèle que j'ai beaucoup de capital, de choses que je sais et de choses que je comprends, et de choses que je suis capable de faire. Si je m'y mets, il y a peu de chose que je ne sais pas faire qui soit artistique ou intellectuel. Et même si je crois être un crapeau socialement parlant, j'ai quand même réussi quelques tours dans ma vie. Ce n'est pas hors de ma portée.
Dernièrement, le boulot me fait pédaler surtout parce que je crois ne pas arriver et ne pas être à la hauteur. Un peu de recul s'impose. Livrer les documents x, mis en page de x façon (c'est surtout ce point qui me fourre), à x moment, c'est difficile. Peut-être que j'y arriverai pas. Mais est-ce que c'est tellement grave dans l'ordre des choses? Je crois pas. Je suis toujours là avec tout mon capital.
Ça c'est de la détente active. La détente actionnée. Oui, comme celle d'un fusil.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Jour obscure
Friday, beautiful day. Mais pour moi c'était rien. J'ai la tête pris en étau je crois, car tout est noir. Ma thérapeute me disais toujours que ce n'était pas vrai. Qu'il y avait tous ces gens et tous ces petits événements qui voulaient de moi, que je choisissais de ne pas les voir.
Ça ne change rien, si ma tête fonctionne de travers alors prière de la faire fonctionner ordinaire. Je crois que j'ai fait le tour et ça revient toujours, la vie teintée de noir desespoir. La distance entre moi et les autres, crée par moi, sentie par tous. Le retrait. La coupure.
C'est moi qui la fait cette coupure.
N'empêche, j'ai besoin avec Urgence d'une thérapie Ancrage. Je tolère mal le boulot. Je me sens extra terrestre et vie manquée. Même le mot Amour sonne faux, empoussiéré. La vie que je voulais n'est pas là. La vie n'est pas ici. Comme toujours, l'horrible sensation de voir tout passer sans vivre.
amour quand même, quand bien même.
Amourxxx
Ça ne change rien, si ma tête fonctionne de travers alors prière de la faire fonctionner ordinaire. Je crois que j'ai fait le tour et ça revient toujours, la vie teintée de noir desespoir. La distance entre moi et les autres, crée par moi, sentie par tous. Le retrait. La coupure.
C'est moi qui la fait cette coupure.
N'empêche, j'ai besoin avec Urgence d'une thérapie Ancrage. Je tolère mal le boulot. Je me sens extra terrestre et vie manquée. Même le mot Amour sonne faux, empoussiéré. La vie que je voulais n'est pas là. La vie n'est pas ici. Comme toujours, l'horrible sensation de voir tout passer sans vivre.
amour quand même, quand bien même.
Amourxxx
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Espoirs
Espoir means faith and hope.
Under the pressure of having to deliver a lot of work too fast, some of my good habits have begun to slip. I have missed too many training sessions at the gym to get the benefits that I wanted and that is making me sad. My free-of-work time is so limited, so unpredictable, that it's hard to choose to train tonight instead of just trying too relax at home.
My mood is increasingly bitter... I'm on the edge of dis-equilibrium, déséquilibre. So I take great care in allowing myself some breaks like this. I have to fight the guilty feelings of not being perfect or how I would want things to be. I have to fight not being jealous of what I project that others have but I don't. Even if that was time, for example. But time is elastic, I must remember.
I'm Angry when people tell me to take care of myself. I'm TRYING so hard. I CAN'T. I am a perfectionist. I know that seeing a therapist will help. Finding one is difficult. Last time I went to the doctors, the doctor disputed me and made me feel horrible, bad, angry, sad, confused and ashamed. It was a one off, but it was hard.
I'm taking an anti-depressant. My next steps are: Finding the correct medical doctor or psychiatrist that will follow me for the treatment of my mood disorder. He or she has to be Competent, Constant and Reliable ; Finding the correct psychologist to help me develop better brain tools, if doctor no.1 is not into that. Finding these are hard, but I have an appointment with a social worker next week who might help. I also have a prescription for a special kind of therapy in my pocket. It's not much but it's something.
Eating good has slipped too even if I never eat very badly. Seeing people doesn't happen much. Isolation is happening, coupled with envy of a 'normal' person's life, lack of fun... Frustration for all this and all other perceived unfairness of life, getting bigger.
So I think I have the bad side of things covered ;-). If I we're to be more rational. I would say that I have one evening with no work to do, that stress is present, that my home needs caring, that negative thoughts are high, that I think I'm still pretty under that huge pile of crap feelings, but I definitely don't dress like myself, like I would like to be, even if I try a lot, nothing shows, just waisted money and energy (Negative thoughts creeping in).
I can be happy of myself at work, I'm riding a pretty big wave and it will stop in 2 months maybe. It's hard to measure equilibrium.
Two friends called and talking to them was a chore - the 'how are you' question, the suggestions, the planning to do stuff... I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to talk because everything opens the can of worms. The how are you question.
I was invited to a wedding. That, I'm happy about.
This is turning out to be a journal post. Old habits. Believe it or not, underneath the bitterness, I Believe in happiness and équilibre and I know that there is strong woman inside, a fighter even. I believe in Beauty and Spirit, both of which I have, and want to hold.
Amourxxx
Under the pressure of having to deliver a lot of work too fast, some of my good habits have begun to slip. I have missed too many training sessions at the gym to get the benefits that I wanted and that is making me sad. My free-of-work time is so limited, so unpredictable, that it's hard to choose to train tonight instead of just trying too relax at home.
My mood is increasingly bitter... I'm on the edge of dis-equilibrium, déséquilibre. So I take great care in allowing myself some breaks like this. I have to fight the guilty feelings of not being perfect or how I would want things to be. I have to fight not being jealous of what I project that others have but I don't. Even if that was time, for example. But time is elastic, I must remember.
I'm Angry when people tell me to take care of myself. I'm TRYING so hard. I CAN'T. I am a perfectionist. I know that seeing a therapist will help. Finding one is difficult. Last time I went to the doctors, the doctor disputed me and made me feel horrible, bad, angry, sad, confused and ashamed. It was a one off, but it was hard.
I'm taking an anti-depressant. My next steps are: Finding the correct medical doctor or psychiatrist that will follow me for the treatment of my mood disorder. He or she has to be Competent, Constant and Reliable ; Finding the correct psychologist to help me develop better brain tools, if doctor no.1 is not into that. Finding these are hard, but I have an appointment with a social worker next week who might help. I also have a prescription for a special kind of therapy in my pocket. It's not much but it's something.
Eating good has slipped too even if I never eat very badly. Seeing people doesn't happen much. Isolation is happening, coupled with envy of a 'normal' person's life, lack of fun... Frustration for all this and all other perceived unfairness of life, getting bigger.
So I think I have the bad side of things covered ;-). If I we're to be more rational. I would say that I have one evening with no work to do, that stress is present, that my home needs caring, that negative thoughts are high, that I think I'm still pretty under that huge pile of crap feelings, but I definitely don't dress like myself, like I would like to be, even if I try a lot, nothing shows, just waisted money and energy (Negative thoughts creeping in).
I can be happy of myself at work, I'm riding a pretty big wave and it will stop in 2 months maybe. It's hard to measure equilibrium.
Two friends called and talking to them was a chore - the 'how are you' question, the suggestions, the planning to do stuff... I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to talk because everything opens the can of worms. The how are you question.
I was invited to a wedding. That, I'm happy about.
This is turning out to be a journal post. Old habits. Believe it or not, underneath the bitterness, I Believe in happiness and équilibre and I know that there is strong woman inside, a fighter even. I believe in Beauty and Spirit, both of which I have, and want to hold.
Amourxxx
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Hello
I once had a blog called Girl in a bottle. I have wanted a new public blog for a long time but I could never get a better fitting name. So here it is: Girl in a bottle II.
I am 34 and will try to reveal not too much and not too little of my life in this exercise so that I wont be shy to show it to friends or strangers. The original GIAB blog was for strangers only, and it had waaaaaaaaaaaay to much private stuff in it. I had to be a closet blogger, and I ended up taking it off line. I have a love for writing in French and English. Let's see where I can find that delicate balance expression...
Writing is therapeutic and somewhere along the line I want to help people who are a little bit like me. I have dystymia, which is a mild but permanent or chronic depression. It's a subtle ailment that's hard to pin down, because there are tons of other reasons why someone might feel a little under the weather from time to time or for longer periods on occasions. Its hard to treat too. Just finding help can be a nightmare.
But, I've learned a thing or two in my quest for a peaceful head. I'd like to share it with my stories. I also have an idea for a tool to track my moods and measure the impact of different external variables on it. If i go ahead with building it (a software), I will post my progress here.
Aside from all this my main interests are art and beauty, travels, words, books and life's moments. I could go on with lots of stuff, but I'm not sure what will make it's way here yet. We'll see.
Amourxxx
I am 34 and will try to reveal not too much and not too little of my life in this exercise so that I wont be shy to show it to friends or strangers. The original GIAB blog was for strangers only, and it had waaaaaaaaaaaay to much private stuff in it. I had to be a closet blogger, and I ended up taking it off line. I have a love for writing in French and English. Let's see where I can find that delicate balance expression...
Writing is therapeutic and somewhere along the line I want to help people who are a little bit like me. I have dystymia, which is a mild but permanent or chronic depression. It's a subtle ailment that's hard to pin down, because there are tons of other reasons why someone might feel a little under the weather from time to time or for longer periods on occasions. Its hard to treat too. Just finding help can be a nightmare.
But, I've learned a thing or two in my quest for a peaceful head. I'd like to share it with my stories. I also have an idea for a tool to track my moods and measure the impact of different external variables on it. If i go ahead with building it (a software), I will post my progress here.
Aside from all this my main interests are art and beauty, travels, words, books and life's moments. I could go on with lots of stuff, but I'm not sure what will make it's way here yet. We'll see.
Amourxxx
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