Let me explain. When I feel unstable as I am these days in this pretty yet so unstable city, my whole world is held together precariously. I become the dummy doing the balancing act, keeping my world level on top of my nose, while walking on stilts, on a trampoline floor, in a maze, in underwear.
One minute I am excited and extreemly happy because I found that I fit in it and that I am relevant, the next I am ashamed and guilty because well, how could I have thought that. And that shame is corroding and hurts. I can go a long way with thoughts of not fitting, not deserving, and finding proof that I am a lowly creature; a freak of nature.
Then, glimpse of possibility seen accross the wall. I can reach it! If I just talk to this person, go to this place, at this time, or if I just have this attitude, I'm in! I could access all this fun, meaningful world where most people live.
But then I miss the opportunity. I'm late, I have the bad attitude, I said the wrong thing, I'm too shy, too tired. The world is grim, I am a freak, etc.
Tiring and reminds me that I must take my pills now... It has been like this a lot in Amsterdam and I think that I am making progress in some ways: I don't know that I want to live here. Not if I'm to feel this way alot. I want to go back to stability in my head.
I managed to make another stink at work and so, I think that I may be the next to go. That's one of the thoughts I have while on the stilts.
Otherwise I'm not straighter than the next laywoman. I had wished that I would trigger some new things of me here. But I'm not there. You can't plan to provoke life! Lesson learned one more time.
It's sunny and my last sunday here. I am spending it alone and aside from the stilted woman, I think that it's good for the still one.
Amourx
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Soufflé
This is a first - I'm writing my post while another human sits only a meter away. My boyfriend, my sister, my mother, no one ever saw this blog or heard of it, unless by their own means, which is allowed but not probable. I never mention a word about it. To no one.
But I am sooo striving to write up my thoughts here, and I can't do it anywhere but in this living area thanks to the absence of wifi (I am living in an appartment shared with 2 collegues and the girlfriend of one of them, who sadly is bored right now because her boyfriend is always working, and it's sad because we probably could of painted the town red, or each other). I would do this in my bedroom, which has a lovely and great big balcony that is also private. But no, no connection there. This is a problem. I can't socialise that often, or keep my thoughts trivial, so long.
Today I was again unsure, unsettled and anxious. I left work quite late but the sun never sets in this northern city. I came home settled to drink on my own. I meant eat. I thought of things that could cheer me up. My soufflé body cream after a hot bath. Make that a shower, no baths here (but the shower is state of the art).
Planning all the things I can do now that I'm here right now. See the islands nearby, with the contemporary out-of-this world architecture. That's what the architects called it, so it must be it. Tomorrow perhaps?
Instead of anxing about it, about not fitting in not earning my due not doing what I'm here for, maybe I should just freeload it. A thought. I'm way too anxious.
10 more days and I am 50% happy, 50% already sad that I'm leaving, 50% missing the cozy comforts of home, where I can really be alone AND on the net at the same time.
I took my pill and downed it with a beer. I feel better now. Although my mom would have a heart attack if she read this, it's nothing like that.
There are tons of museums here but that can be done another time. Oddly I did not see one single heart throb. In the land of the tall people! I'm not there nanyways.
Nothing much but the decision of should I smoke the pot or read the book. For once, dutch tv is cooperating. And so is my poor, left behind sister in ams.
Amourxxx
But I am sooo striving to write up my thoughts here, and I can't do it anywhere but in this living area thanks to the absence of wifi (I am living in an appartment shared with 2 collegues and the girlfriend of one of them, who sadly is bored right now because her boyfriend is always working, and it's sad because we probably could of painted the town red, or each other). I would do this in my bedroom, which has a lovely and great big balcony that is also private. But no, no connection there. This is a problem. I can't socialise that often, or keep my thoughts trivial, so long.
Today I was again unsure, unsettled and anxious. I left work quite late but the sun never sets in this northern city. I came home settled to drink on my own. I meant eat. I thought of things that could cheer me up. My soufflé body cream after a hot bath. Make that a shower, no baths here (but the shower is state of the art).
Planning all the things I can do now that I'm here right now. See the islands nearby, with the contemporary out-of-this world architecture. That's what the architects called it, so it must be it. Tomorrow perhaps?
Instead of anxing about it, about not fitting in not earning my due not doing what I'm here for, maybe I should just freeload it. A thought. I'm way too anxious.
10 more days and I am 50% happy, 50% already sad that I'm leaving, 50% missing the cozy comforts of home, where I can really be alone AND on the net at the same time.
I took my pill and downed it with a beer. I feel better now. Although my mom would have a heart attack if she read this, it's nothing like that.
There are tons of museums here but that can be done another time. Oddly I did not see one single heart throb. In the land of the tall people! I'm not there nanyways.
Nothing much but the decision of should I smoke the pot or read the book. For once, dutch tv is cooperating. And so is my poor, left behind sister in ams.
Amourxxx
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Comfort found
That too (previous post) has past, I am now back to being Content. I have slept for 11 hours. I have coffee, the internet. Alas there is still no English papers to be found in Dutch territory. I am lazy like a saturday morning. I'm good.
This week has been dark for my company as some people had to be laid-off because of the crisis :(. And specially, my friend, mentor, ex monster-boss, supermodel genius collegue is one of them. We in Amsterdam are sad :(. It won't be the same without her.
I am having a pretty grand time here both at work and personnaly, after a first week of adjustment and rain. The sun came out finally, but this morning it gracefully stays behind a slight overcast to take away any pressure out of my lazy Saturday morning.
Today I want to take it easy like a boat ride, which I might do. I haven't found a place where I can recharge. In Montreal there is my home, the canal, my bike, several cafes, book stores... Here, not yet. There is a great book store 'The American bookstore' where I will probably return too. It's open regular Amsterdam hours (never ;-)). I'm not in an exploring, intensly doing mode. I'm quite low on energy actually, and I would love a massage and possibly a gym. My bones are achy. And I won't speak about my eating habits...
So my Amsterdam knowledge is limited, I still have years of exploration to do :). Meanwhile I was looking at online creative writing diplomas cause did you know? I want to Be. A. Writer. I found tremendous good resources.
The challenge for me is not in the writing itself, it's in finding the focus to do it. Possibly, it's also just about doing it. Some say writing in here hinders the start of my writing project. I say writing in here is vital.
Amourx
This week has been dark for my company as some people had to be laid-off because of the crisis :(. And specially, my friend, mentor, ex monster-boss, supermodel genius collegue is one of them. We in Amsterdam are sad :(. It won't be the same without her.
I am having a pretty grand time here both at work and personnaly, after a first week of adjustment and rain. The sun came out finally, but this morning it gracefully stays behind a slight overcast to take away any pressure out of my lazy Saturday morning.
Today I want to take it easy like a boat ride, which I might do. I haven't found a place where I can recharge. In Montreal there is my home, the canal, my bike, several cafes, book stores... Here, not yet. There is a great book store 'The American bookstore' where I will probably return too. It's open regular Amsterdam hours (never ;-)). I'm not in an exploring, intensly doing mode. I'm quite low on energy actually, and I would love a massage and possibly a gym. My bones are achy. And I won't speak about my eating habits...
So my Amsterdam knowledge is limited, I still have years of exploration to do :). Meanwhile I was looking at online creative writing diplomas cause did you know? I want to Be. A. Writer. I found tremendous good resources.
The challenge for me is not in the writing itself, it's in finding the focus to do it. Possibly, it's also just about doing it. Some say writing in here hinders the start of my writing project. I say writing in here is vital.
Amourx
Monday, July 13, 2009
In the extra hour
Bookworm that I am, yesterday I stopped at the beautiful American Book Center and I didn't by a book. I did however, find the warmest wool jacket to keep me warm when I need (it's been cold and wet, now alternating with heat and sun, unpredictable). My coat is the closest thing to a hot bath that I have.
I almost bought a book, and I will buy this book if it's still there in the spiraling stairway bookcase, that tells writers not to journal. I'm guessing that it's counter productive for a writer. All that self-analysis and vacuous musing.
But what about the reaching out? I'm still in a bottle even 5 years later, I still need to release all that non-communication that I do.
What about when I hit that despair spot, or when I get an all soft-spotted heart? I felt it today. It may look like nothing but I fell on the other side of comfortable, just like that. It scares me, because it happens just like that. And suddenly I am crying almost, in the isle, when last week I was smiling from the belly out. The floor has been pulled away, and I can almost hear it say 'ha-ha, it was just a joke'. I don't really have foundations.
Damn. And I had started to rely on it. It was practicle, comfortable. Ha-ha.
Fine, I'm here, flying over the void, waiting to be caught by something, scared as hell that no one catches me. Scared to be seen falling. Scared to be seen truly. Scared to hold on to what I got.
It's-just-a-little-bit-of-anxiety.
Ah! Ha.
Picking myself up. Let see what were the good things of today:
Cycling to work on the canals in the most flirtatiously pretty city.
The sun that came back.
The beer in the courtyard
A new friend?
The bagel!
The mozarella!
The decadent drippy danishes
The collegue that just joined us
The respect, I guess.
The flight booked by beau
Having the appartment to myself tonight
NOT working tonight
The extra hour of sunlight.
Counter productive? Probably. Essential, probably.
And probably, I need to find my own comfort.
Amourx
I almost bought a book, and I will buy this book if it's still there in the spiraling stairway bookcase, that tells writers not to journal. I'm guessing that it's counter productive for a writer. All that self-analysis and vacuous musing.
But what about the reaching out? I'm still in a bottle even 5 years later, I still need to release all that non-communication that I do.
What about when I hit that despair spot, or when I get an all soft-spotted heart? I felt it today. It may look like nothing but I fell on the other side of comfortable, just like that. It scares me, because it happens just like that. And suddenly I am crying almost, in the isle, when last week I was smiling from the belly out. The floor has been pulled away, and I can almost hear it say 'ha-ha, it was just a joke'. I don't really have foundations.
Damn. And I had started to rely on it. It was practicle, comfortable. Ha-ha.
Fine, I'm here, flying over the void, waiting to be caught by something, scared as hell that no one catches me. Scared to be seen falling. Scared to be seen truly. Scared to hold on to what I got.
It's-just-a-little-bit-of-anxiety.
Ah! Ha.
Picking myself up. Let see what were the good things of today:
Cycling to work on the canals in the most flirtatiously pretty city.
The sun that came back.
The beer in the courtyard
A new friend?
The bagel!
The mozarella!
The decadent drippy danishes
The collegue that just joined us
The respect, I guess.
The flight booked by beau
Having the appartment to myself tonight
NOT working tonight
The extra hour of sunlight.
Counter productive? Probably. Essential, probably.
And probably, I need to find my own comfort.
Amourx
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Enchanted
My flute practically plays itself. From the lowest to very near the highest notes, I can hit them effortlessly, and my fingers easily remember the tunes I played over and over again as a child. Why, I could even get back into business!. A Jazz band perhaps? Hmm
A flute is not a versatile instrument. It will always be soft, nice, friendly. It can do sad or happy and all the range of emotions, and some can make it have a fairy flute conversation, but it can't do, say, loud angry rock, unless you do very weird things with it, that maybe you shouldn't.
It never does loud unless your playing in your apartment after 10pm, like I just did. In an orchestra, the flutes are always miked, and it's still hard to hear them against all the other winds and strings. Flutes just do their little twirly-fluty things out on their own, and their very happy like that thank you very much.
So what does a maverick coyote of the south-west like me do with a flute? I know how to play it, that's one. And I had a sad history with flutes that I just re-wrote when I put my paws on this one. Now the story is, I have my flute and I can play it too. That's two. And the third reason is, it blows! hehe.
Its satisfying to use your breath to make sound. I don't think that sound will ever be as big as I need it to be, but I have a synth for that. I'm gonna stick to the pretty fairy flute sound, and explore it's range. What I love the most about it is it's aerial quality. When you can give your own signing voice the same aerial quality as a flute, that's Big. And if I could program that same aerial quality into my synth, that would be... portable! Fun to be had.
Of course I need to learn to use that keyboard. But It is not portable. It will have to wait for the fall.
I am almost in Amsterdam, life has shifted gears and I like it.
Amourx
Tara
A flute is not a versatile instrument. It will always be soft, nice, friendly. It can do sad or happy and all the range of emotions, and some can make it have a fairy flute conversation, but it can't do, say, loud angry rock, unless you do very weird things with it, that maybe you shouldn't.
It never does loud unless your playing in your apartment after 10pm, like I just did. In an orchestra, the flutes are always miked, and it's still hard to hear them against all the other winds and strings. Flutes just do their little twirly-fluty things out on their own, and their very happy like that thank you very much.
So what does a maverick coyote of the south-west like me do with a flute? I know how to play it, that's one. And I had a sad history with flutes that I just re-wrote when I put my paws on this one. Now the story is, I have my flute and I can play it too. That's two. And the third reason is, it blows! hehe.
Its satisfying to use your breath to make sound. I don't think that sound will ever be as big as I need it to be, but I have a synth for that. I'm gonna stick to the pretty fairy flute sound, and explore it's range. What I love the most about it is it's aerial quality. When you can give your own signing voice the same aerial quality as a flute, that's Big. And if I could program that same aerial quality into my synth, that would be... portable! Fun to be had.
Of course I need to learn to use that keyboard. But It is not portable. It will have to wait for the fall.
I am almost in Amsterdam, life has shifted gears and I like it.
Amourx
Tara
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Toot toot!
I have just returned from a wonderful, FUN, vacation in Florida that had everything it could, almost. Now I'm home and psyched! There is so much stuff that I want to jump on and do, even if my old bones are protesting. But the first thing (well after coffee, facebook, and a few glimpses at the state of my general data) is to come right here and Write. Aaaaaah, feels good.
As you may have guessed I am Happy and even Perky. Yes yes. And a rarity, I have a tan :-). Sun=Fun. I've had few vacations or trips have that effect on me. Maybe 6, let's say (Windermere as a child in the 80's and last year - well last year was Banff and Calgary, but it's the same, Rome, Chicago, Amsterdam this last spring, Florida).
I'm going to Amsterdam, then Windermere, in the next couple weeks. Did I say perky?
Now I have to be diligent cause I'm leaving again in 5 days. I am one month short of missing out on a 6500$ financial aid application deadline!!! Woah Nelly, I gotta screw my head on right and shift to the right gear. Giddy up!
That will help balance my books if you know what I mean, they're sightly bursting at the seams. A good citizen I am, helping with the economy and such. I also have to retrieve 8 months of expense account and medical insurance claims. This too shall help.
I left my weight where I dropped it - yeah baby. And that vitamin D is doing good things to me, I know it.
Now I want to Tazmanian Devil style fix up my place, start working on my novel, visit my family, host a party, gear up my keyboard and play it, rollerblade, budgetize, shrink up and get body care and training for my few rusty bits.
Did I say that I bought a flute? A flute that I can play? Yes yes yes yes YES! I will toot that flute it until I get dizzy. Ha!
I got some Anthropology clothes, of course. And a neat manicure-pedicure at the airport. I still. want. stuff. (Like that thousand dollar solution to all my music needs that really is an economy when you think of it. Really ;-). And Rollerblades. And a four hands massage...)
On that note I am off to doing some of the above in a random order, with a lot of day dreaming and wondering thrown in for good measure.
Amourx.
Tara
As you may have guessed I am Happy and even Perky. Yes yes. And a rarity, I have a tan :-). Sun=Fun. I've had few vacations or trips have that effect on me. Maybe 6, let's say (Windermere as a child in the 80's and last year - well last year was Banff and Calgary, but it's the same, Rome, Chicago, Amsterdam this last spring, Florida).
I'm going to Amsterdam, then Windermere, in the next couple weeks. Did I say perky?
Now I have to be diligent cause I'm leaving again in 5 days. I am one month short of missing out on a 6500$ financial aid application deadline!!! Woah Nelly, I gotta screw my head on right and shift to the right gear. Giddy up!
That will help balance my books if you know what I mean, they're sightly bursting at the seams. A good citizen I am, helping with the economy and such. I also have to retrieve 8 months of expense account and medical insurance claims. This too shall help.
I left my weight where I dropped it - yeah baby. And that vitamin D is doing good things to me, I know it.
Now I want to Tazmanian Devil style fix up my place, start working on my novel, visit my family, host a party, gear up my keyboard and play it, rollerblade, budgetize, shrink up and get body care and training for my few rusty bits.
Did I say that I bought a flute? A flute that I can play? Yes yes yes yes YES! I will toot that flute it until I get dizzy. Ha!
I got some Anthropology clothes, of course. And a neat manicure-pedicure at the airport. I still. want. stuff. (Like that thousand dollar solution to all my music needs that really is an economy when you think of it. Really ;-). And Rollerblades. And a four hands massage...)
On that note I am off to doing some of the above in a random order, with a lot of day dreaming and wondering thrown in for good measure.
Amourx.
Tara
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