Himalayas

Oh boy.
A few minutes ago after my night time walk in pitch dark wet streets
I cried in a meeting. And could not stop.
Now and again my audience asked
Why are you feeling this way, why?
It shouldn't be this way, you know.
Not saving lives and all that.

I know, I said. But I am this way, emotional.
But why, the repeated,
As I continued to conduct the meeting
Making an abstraction of myself.
It shouldn't be this way, you know.

That question, why, can open a giant crack
I try to contain it with all my might
losing face? i toss it back like the rest
and continue to fight a battle that doesn't matter
I make an abstraction of myself.

the fatherly opponent hugged me
I am not good with conflict
But above all I don't want to hurt others in there deepest
And I hope and pray that I didn't touch it
didn't open a giant crack
This is what gets at me, the doubt that I can hurt
In the same way that I have been
so emotional

So, all is not good
But I knew this
I've got meds, I've got specialists
Nothing is a walk in the park
Does it hurt that 2 more, 3 more people know
not really

On the other side of this day
I woke up at dawn (its easy in November)
At one point, I was even too happy for work
The thought of shorter work days
The week off and spa gift that I earned
That was enough to make me feel happy again
It had been a while, but you know what
Its still there and I'm still happy.

But need to take care
I feel good in the mornings
I dream of what's to come
the condo, and all else
Amourx.

Toys

I am sick, but still have good things to write:

I am only starting to see how afflicting was my condition. Without knowing it, i was really impaired. My meds are doing this, I know. But also, I think that I can see it know. I have that vision, now.

Other good things are
my new nintendo ds. I play like a child, feels good.
My pedometer and my heartbeat watch.
My long boots and my Banff hat.
7 days of me worship - served to me on a plate with a spa ticket attached. This a gift and an order to relax from work. This coming from work (I had to make some noise, but they handled it smartly).

Back to my new toy.

Amourx.

Zing

Good things of today
The morning and the walk
The gloves and the grey scarf
The skirt (even if yesterday)

Bad things
The hair
The fragility
The virus
The frailty

Ambiguous things
The sms

I am still a clammed oyster. There was a big gap today, between me and the rest of the world (roftw).

Amourx.

Dilee-dalee

Good things of to-day
The torrini tune I hear now
closure and
a grasp on things that passed
and things to come
a friendly upbeat team
great new help again
amen
knowing that i return home
to a sort of semi cleaned up place
and
anticipation.

Amourx.

Snapshot

Sometimes I crave alone-ness. It happens a lot these days. A snapshot of today has me sitting at a messy desk on top of unfolded clothes on my chair. My unmade bed (with beautiful new duvet) in the middle of gigantic yet normal mess: papers, clothes, left over food containers, rocks, empty shopping bags and wrapping, content overflowing, half unwrapped, sometimes thrown back in the bag and hooked to door handle for returns that inevitably miss their deadline. There is a subdued smell that I despise but live with.

My body shows the same signs of neglect. My face gets no skin care, my unruly hair is pulled in a pony tail and kept back with bobby pins.

BUT, signs of change to come is evident :). I have loudly and clearly claimed due payment for the overtime that i have done and due salary raise too. This will make me feel better instantly - if the response is significant. The person who listened heard me and understood me. In itself, this makes me feel better. I had to do this.

Enough about work. I can start slowly integrating exercise to my days and limiting the calorie intake. I can care about my condo that's coming. I can start being happy and in love with life. Yes I can :).

Having more hours for myself makes a good, big, difference. It is indeed a quick fix.

Amourx.

happiness

I did not check my mail just now. Ha!

Can i just pause and say Obama! Say Barack? What a name! The hole world is so happy right now. All warm and fuzzy. We're all happy - can you feel it?

Too bad I wasn't really there, but I saw it through the cracks. I'll try to block all work related thoughts with this: Oh oh ohbamamamamama. Try it for free - It sort of works.

Seriously though, lets not be ill. I saw my specialist yesterday and see my doc tomorrow. My moral is good, almost great considering everything about my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. There, I said it.

Lets not be ill. Lets get respect.

Amourx.

Taxed

It's Autumn. Autumn. Indian summer automn.

I'm seeing this season through cracks, and I like it.

I like to drive under the influence - of meds that is. I was awfully stressed before. Now, I enjoy it. It's calming.

I think that I accumulated and created to much stress for anyone's good today. It would take me hours, days, to restore. I am taxed.

Some things are happening in the outer world these days, history they say. Let's just wait, i say.

Soothing music, sleep will be difficult tonight. It could be.

Amourx.

War day

good things of today
my pms warrior drive (can also be considered a bad thing)
the 5 min walk
the so nice weather
stuff done, some and more
talk with sunshine head
and all the nice people
the 6pm exit
unexpected free hour at night
list of things i liked, written
on the back of my condo plan
anthropology
things to come
the friendly boyfriend
the duck down duvet
i have to run

Amourx.

Duck and blink

the outcome of this part of my life will make itself. I'm very happy to enjoy this sunny day without work in the agenda. I am going through the motion and the motion makes me nauseous, catapulting me to the next base station. In a way i can say that this was almost planned. When I said yes, I knew that I was testing my limit. I'm still here though and i will show up for work like normal people do, tomorrow.

I'm glad that the finger was pointed on others than me. I'm glad that others are noting, that it's not just in my head. I have doubted myself far too long. But, I am happy. Cause I know the prison that i place myself in can cease to exist with one blink. Blink. Blink. Blink! :-)

The sun shines on me and warms me, and so does the duck down comforter that boyfriend gave me, which I dressed up in the most beautifully printed, elegant duvet cover in subtle hues and sheens. The fabric recals the texture of raw silk, but with some reflective thread woven into it. This present worked out really fine.

I drew all the rooms of my future home and imagined the colors and the fabrics. Then I drew a table setting and placed a bunch of people in it, including a baby and a dog. Then I drew myself, a tall man, a baby, more people, a dog, music, a guitar and drums, confetti. It wasn't a wedding until now. It was happiness. I keep it in my backpack.

Love always,
Tara