40

Yes! I turned forty two days ago and I am getting used to it. Truthfully as everyone says, it’s similar to the days before and probably the days after. I’m not unhappy about the number, even if it’s bigger than I ever thought I’d get.

Since this past summer, I have been able to resolve the debilitating anxieties that made work infernal, and were a danger to other spheres in my life! First I booked a therapist but not long after, I knew I had to switch to my old medication - I did and two weeks after, I received a lot of comments about how I looked better and seemed happier and smiley. I was. I keep getting these comments now, and more to the point, I know that the cloud has lifted. I’m glad because this particular type of cloud is heavy on social phobia, distrust, fear, withdrawal and paranoia. Yeech. I stopped seeing my therapist after two or three times, not necessary. It’s crazy how this particular medication create balance and ease for me - such a relief!

I am now deeply happy. My lover has moved in earlier this month, and his things are fitting in with my things just right, just like us. We had our birthdays this month, both were happy events, not quite finished. Beautiful lilies are blooming and withering next to me and I am writing in their perfume.

We are still trying to get pregnant, and since it has been a while we will seek medical assistance. I hope it works out. It’s true that at this point, we are only hoping for a positive test. I guess the other worrying stuff and figuring out how to adapt for a baby or two comes after.

I recently got back deeply into knitting. I don’t know if this is a medicine side-effect, or it’s just a sign that I am healthier and feel like going deeply into fiber and textile stuff. I guess there is a combo of possibilities of creating things, giving, getting recognition, studying colours and soothing textures and techniques. It’s not terribly hard, quite easy in fact. And very repetitive - this part means auto-pilot can be switched on, it stops my mind from rambling on away, and this too is soothing I think.

I always seek to be soothed.

Trips and more celebrations are upcoming - not a boring moment ahead. Work is intense, but lets not delve there. Lets all be happy and warm this november and on.

Amourx.

Livelihood

I have done a lot of good things which are definitively helping balance the inner feelings. Guilt comes a lot for a visit. It’s been a four day long week-end and I shall list the good things I have done:

        Doctors appointments

        Expense account

        Bought an amazing bike

        Went on a great long ride

        Had pik-nik in the park with beau, ate portuguese chicken with wine at Mont-Royal

        Went on an amazing bosu tonus class

        Saw a bad movie and went to bad restaurant with mom and Chantal

        Deep cleaned my bedroom inside out to make room for beau

        Went to the specialist

        Took my meds and vitamins

        Had lovely long walks in the city

        Did salsa class twice and it’s not easy

        Gave bags and bags of stuff to Army Surplus and more will come

        Ordered fab sofa and cushion covers

So I guess I filled my time with good things to do and I will continue. Internally I feel guilt and will say why here: guilt of not having a social activity for beau and my colleague from Tokyo, I should add for myself too but I don’t feel the need, so guilt for retreating from social things and avoiding relations. Guilt for not going to the beach yesterday while it rains today. Guilt for not thinking about work. Worried now about work.

I had to let go a girl on Thursday and this is hard and difficult. I don’t feel guilty or only remotely because it couldn’t be helped. But I worry about the impact on my team and what I need to do to keep things on track and good. My company is losing money year by year and this is not a good climate to work in. I feel guilty because I am not providing a solution and I prefer to try to leave - but I still go through the motions of course while I am there. There are people’s livelihood in there not just mine.

So why do I focus on guilt? I think this is my pathology. While I am feeling this I do a lot of things, so that I don’t feel stagnation and it helps. I could add my worry list here but would it help? Maybe not.

I do love my life and appreciate my health --I haven’t been sick lately and this is new to me this year-- my livelihood, my skills, my dreams, my friends, family and beau. I simply feel vulnerable.

That’s how I described myself at work, like a hare running away from hunters and farmers trying to steal the ground under my feet. Always a target, I seek shelter.

Amourx.

        

        

        

Week Deux

I’m better than last week because I have been sleeping well. Work wasn’t too bad, I have a lot and need to keep making decisions that I don’t like but it’s doable. I signed off friday and didn’t think about it till now monday morning, last few minutes before I get there.

What’s happening is that I am doubting my inner self now. I don’t know if going to the psychologist is making it worst. I have been sleeping, resting a lot and my house as you know is not ready. It’s a bad piece of karma or something. Life is not so bad. Stayed home with my beau most of the week-end. Thinking super negative so:

I have a home, a job and a boyfriend. I earn a lot. I have a lot of holidays. I have friends. I’m pretty-ish. It’s a nice month. My office is beautiful. I have dance lessons. I have a beautiful smile. I have supporters. I’m trying to make a baby.

Have to act more think less.

Amourx.

Monday's Manics

Back from a week holiday plus worked today. First things first I am back on meds since yesterday and I can’t wait to feel relief if it happens. I spent every night of my holiday walking up in panic with a knot encompassing my hole torso, most days silent in dissappointment and loneliness. I wasn’t alone, but I felt it so.

Then work was only ok, lasted long and nothing changes in a week anyways. I barely know if I can manage a day, then I do, still spend most of the day judging myself and shy about asking and saying and doing but I do. I also plow through cause I have to. I am in a bad place.

Although not so bad, i know this is perspective. I am ok, healthy etc. Just so alone, retracted and scared - with that burning panic in my bosom, constantly braising.

And my man was there for 3 minutes between our 2 trips. And I loved to see him for those times and knew that he was mine forever.

I ate a lot and I’m not sure if I should list all the activities I do well and those I don’t, to count things and judge more. When i have a moment I want to sleep it or eat it. Missed salsa there i said it, cause I was still at work, said it too.

And so I shall have another bowl of soup, my meds, some fizzy water and to bed. I try to keep things clean and good.

Amourx.

Self help

I thought I should record my days without meds. Last night I lied away for half the night it seems like. I was having these angry, worried thoughts that I can never shake. Feels like the great humiliation is upon me - and I am wee child trying to avoid the end of the world, before I get to the cathartic its-not-my-fauuuult moment. I woke again in the morning with the same feelings. Unshakable.

I listened to podcasts during the night and afterwards I started to name and feel every part of my body to tell it that I love it. I think this is a good strategy no? At least I know that it is greatly perception that is taking me here. I’ve been here before. I don’t know how to get out of it.

My psychologist didn’t return my email yet. I’m still not drinking, went to salsa class yesterday but missed my yoga this morning because of the lack of sleep. The day is beautiful and I think that my challenge is to see the nice things. There are plenty including my beau. I’m not really feeding myself carefully lately, it’s always an afterthought, but today I am bringing soup to work.

Fast and Furiously

I made a loan via Kiva.org this morning. I did a lot of little things which are good for me: returned a damaged dvd and claimed a credit for it, took my old expired meds to the pharmacy, painted a coat of primer in my bathroom yesterday. Went to two birthday parties on the same day, and went to the YMCA for a class. And I got a haircut.

I helps alleviate the panicky feeling of guilt that I carry. I wonder if I will carry it my hole life. Here is an idea for a book. An anxiety stricken person.

It’s monday morning. My anxiety raises high on Sunday, has been peaking on Tuesdays, and goes back down on Wednesdays when I understand that the world will keep going. I did not sleep on Saturday but I did sleep yesterday, bless that night that will make a difference.

I am going off my meds, in fact I have stopped taking them about 48 hours ago. The reason is that while I went to the doctor seeking more or different medication, I’m also trying to conceive, and because there is minute risk I feel it is simpler to stop. I have a prescription for a psychiatrist and a prescription for meds (because I have to evaluate what is riskier for a baby, my anxiety or the meds…), but, it’s easier to just stop. I will see my psychologist, stop drinking, exercise regularly, and I have a vacation in a week!

I regularly feel attacked down to my core and react with overwhelming anger, outrage, panic, tears and more. Some people are easy triggers for me, in fact they don’t need to do anything, I can make up huge schemes about them while they are not really acting on it, but I know they are a threat and I have little defence - I am not built to handle confrontation well. It goes internal fast and furiously.

I wonder if this is about confrontation. There is something else, I have always been quite an easy target for someone who knows where to push. This is why I have become so introverted and had created a pretty tough shell growing up. This is my defence, to hide where I am fragile.

Looking for other jobs and other fields, that may help in a random sort of way. I am trying to help. I am starting to see black. Anxiety and hyper-sensitivity I guess.

Still love my man.

Amourx.

Limited edition

A very few words for today.

My neck is strained, the weather so hot. Very few things I must do to get through. I have a lunch with a dear friend.

I’m drinking questionable coffee but its good, probably way too strong. No food yet, I am not hungry, I should eat still.

Mostly I rest, read, write, be in stories and listen to podcasts. Keep house just enough tidy no worse. That’s all I have been doing so far.

My intention is to have a good attitude and make things as best as I can. Retire when I get too tired, that’s what I want to do. But I wonder about my next vacation. I need to think about that.

Amourx.

Less work more care

Been sick 3 days and home all day today, feeling some guilt for it. But I am ok. I looked at what was important and family came first so I cleaned a bit, so little, but it’s better than it was. I sent emails at work with my junk/anonymous email address. I listened to tv shows and podcasts now, being tired. It’s like if I was depressed but I’m not giving into that.

I understand it’s a perspective thing. I can spin this around if I feel like it. I can also protect myself and this is what I am doing. I’m still good and in love with beau. Won’t write about him too much, he is allowed his confidentiality even if no one reads me.

I can write about what I wish. A three months break from work, so that I take care of the house, care of my skin, health and all. I need to stay close to my friends, family and love if I this happens. I’m not going for a burn out right now, unless I burn out, but thinking about freelancing? Jobs are hard to get. School could be an option.

Mainly, I need to be more social, this will be helpful. Less work, more care. I like that.

Amourx.

Brave

15 minutes to write. This is the day I return to work. I have been frightened about it most of the week but this very morning I am brave. My first task is yoga at 8, a great way to start. Exercise is the one thing that I didn’t do while I was off, except for salsa.

I had a message from work that I didn’t answer, had tremendous fear/guilt even without this. But this morning while I wasn’t sleeping I had the good idea to do a meditation with a podcast. This one really helps put things in perspective.

I think my holiday was full with visiting friends and family, house cleaning and resting. I even started to write. This is so humbling. I will carry on.

For the good day to everyone,

Amourx.

A nice jacket

Long week-end and I feel guilty! I didn’t move today - I said that I would write and I did. Shit I feel a total lack of confidence and realize that I tend to lull it with a drink normally, but that I have no drink now. Not good.

My work called me on friday at 6pm and though I had the phone in my hand I didn’t answer. Guilt. I didn’t move today, guilt.

Me and beau made up and cleaned and painted yesterday and it was a fine day. Today I’m taking off the tape used to protect edges and it’s ripping the paint away and showing the old dark paint. I have to do it all over again after I sand all the ripped up edges. I don’t have good progress so guilty.

I wrote about 3 paragraphs to ease me into writing. I listen to so many author podcast that i feel that it is my mission to write or at least I should try. Then I stare at my computer and freeze. I believe I can do this and this is what I should do, but I don’t know what to write about. My thoughts get too large and I wonder what do I know? What do I want?

Inside I think I am terribly sad, depressed, when I probe.

I am so scared of going back to work it’s not funny. Guilt. I will need a strategy ok.

I wrote about a girl meeting a boy in a ballroom antechamber of another era, inspired by the Degas paintings. Any writing can help. I think I can write ok but it’s better if I would know where I am going. May be easier to write about my era.

Strategy wise, I think I need to prepare to fail. Expect angry clients, errors, etc. What is my worse fear exactly - crying at work is one of them but it happened too often already. What is the rest? Overtiming too much, I did this too. What else?

I should try to engage more with people and lay back, in a fearless sort of way. Let go. Ok.

I haven’t exercised in a while, I should do that, it plays on me.

Right now on this grey day I’ll take a walk or a bike ride just to go somewhere. Sweep clean my place, and continue with activities that are great!

Good things:

Family bday

painting

going to la Ronde

making up with beau

seeing my girlfriends

seeing my house getting better

A nice jacket

Amourx.

Sorrow

I had a huge fight with beau. He exploded in anger suddenly, critiquing my family of all things, then told me he didn’t want to live with me and have babies because he’s scared that i was psycho. In between that I threw a glass at him that crashed on the floor. Told him to leave. He was going to leave but then he calmed down and apologized about everything and went back over everything he had said. Even if we were making up instants after that scary fight, I wanted him to leave for the night but he didn’t. Today I told him I needed space.

Needless to say i feel guttered. This vacation was unplanned and i didn’t have expectations. I wanted to take him to Charlevoix, but even without the fight, the weather is not cooperating. We painted, I didn’t expect to do that. If it wasn’t for him I don’t think I would have painted myself. Turns out I like to do it though, it’s soothing.

I was supposed to go to La Ronde with my nephews (that family he used to critique me with insane accusations). It didn’t work out but it seems like it’s a rainy day anyway. I watched tv. I thought it would be nice if I started my own business. I took a hairdresser appointement. I have a rented a car for a week, I hope that I use it.

I thought I would start to paint the next room but I am suddenly very tired and sad. He just called. Should I make something meaningful of my day, my week off taken in ultimate emergency before I blow up and quit my job. Am I going to return more depressed.

I am in a sorrow.

Amourx.

I took a break for the whole week as an emergency exit. Beau is also on holiday, and I am feeling immensely tense still. This morning I sort of have an anger in me, I don’t get it. Maybe it’s because I need to be alone.

If I’m counting the things I’ve done, it seems fine. I exercised saturday, I went out sunday, painted, took my mom to dinner and danced salsa yesterday. Today I have a list down, shopping, choosing paint, cleaning, knitting and exercising if it fits. I also wanted to relax. I don’t know why I am so tense, can’t release. Is it because I haven’t been alone?

I sure wanted to paint alone yesterday. It was stressful to look over beau, for both of us. He’s too carefree for me when it comes to painting. It’s really crazy that I care about that.

I could go to mosaiculture with Chantal, or somewhere with her. Hmm.

I’ll take it in strides. The weather is beautiful, so I will set time to create, draw. Start by a great big smile ☺

I’m happy I’m seeing people, tomorrow I will go to la ronde with my nephews, should be great. For all goodness I would add Sonia to the visits.

Amourx.

Vital

Les jours sont très difficiles. Je suis devenue très sensible aux gens depuis que mes boss essaient de m’aider, mais mon équipe continue de faire glisser mes demande ou de ne pas les prendre. Les gens qui me font répéter me font l’effet d’un traitement de canal. J’ai quand même répété patiemment mais les nerfs sous haute-tension.

Je me sens comme une plaie ouverte et hier, habillée en lousse et en blanc, les cheveux relâché, j’avais probablement l’air de la patiente d’hôpital mental que je pourrais être.

C’est peut-être dans la nature humaine de rejeter l’aide demandée et je me souviens d’avoir fait ça à mes débuts chez Sid Lee, mais j’étais mal conseillée et trop verte pour comprendre. L’entraide est un besoin vital.

J’ai pu aller à mon cours de Salsa hier et je vais à mon yoga ce matin. J’ai emmené beau hier, c’était chouette. Ça change bien les idées. J’ai vu que l’université où j’ai appliqué est allée regarder ma page Linked In! Joie!

Très difficile de prévoir des vacances tant nécessaire. Je vais m’essayer pour vendredi.

Amourxx

Groping

Quickly once again. I am nervous about this week. It seems that I always need to confront things and people. I wish that things and people knew better how to align with me.

That was about work. What about me? Well, yesterday I was angry then beau did what I wanted which was his budget and we read and slept a lot. I did yoga by the evening for not moving much. I’m not fully better. I see that I am with a financially troubled guy who shouldn’t go on all the vacations that I am going to, that he even is going to. He doesn’t yet grope that reality or the urgency to change his course.

This is the first time that I am disassociating with him. I always love him enough to go through a lot, but yes change has to come too. Hey there is still a possibility of a baby this month. I know what I am doing.

And how to calm myself -- with vacations of course. Let me book them soon, go to Charlevoix, take him if he can. Oh god I will be paying for it in all logical steps. I don’t want to go alone.

I am not that miserable. I am burned out and stressed out. But I have a good home, boyfriend, family, friends, income, health and brains.

Start writing indeed.

Amourx.

I am angry. Extremely, very angry. There is nothing I can do if he won’t be responsible. I am not patient anymore. I will not live my life waiting for him to figure out on an incredibly random way, what he can do with his situation. I will not depend on someone who’s way of life corners me into his.

Of course it’s Sunday and I have the tension about the place I shouldn’t mention on a Sunday. I’m even more angry about that place than anything else.

It’s raining.

My insides are upside down because of a potluck party yesterday, bien arrosé.

I lost 0.8 pounds this week.

Amourx.

Shells hard and soft

Hi there -- it has been rocky, and I am not staying here for long. Yesterday night I lied down in the evening and slept through to this morning. I have more to do and will go to work next, this is Saturday.

Sometime this week I got help about resources. People finally getting that it can’t keep functioning like this with me covering all the bases. Since then I am almost crying constantly within. I had a hard shell built around me. It got harder every time I faced embarrassment and my boss told me to walk on eggshells around it instead of defending me, and I started to look for other jobs.

When the started asking me again and again what the issues are, it softened me up. I’m feeling fragile, hurt. I guess I am feeling emotions. I guess this is good. Meanwhile we had to deploy heavy measures, I did it. Makes me feel alone that I have to go and do that on top of everything else I do, I hoped they would help concretely.

I’m not making a baby. This is the week that I should be doing it. I’m 39.5 years old. I am miserable about this.

I am paranoid or maybe it’s true that people are avoiding me and judging me because they don’t want to be tied to my hell. They invent snob reasons to disassociate themselves from my issues, they avoid helping. They comment externally.

I am extremely enraged at them, at this. Sometimes i feel like crying, but mostly it’s the meanness of people that I see thru their avoidance. My allegiance is gone.

But it’s not gone for Edith, so I must put in a few hours now.

Then I will have a good day.

Amourx.

Peak

Quick write-up but I may need music instead - rock, big sounds, loud… Woke up late and it’s nearly time to go.

I got one interview yeah! And I will take Friday off. Applied to two others that I want even better.

Stress level is still high due to pressure but I am progressing well with it.

Have a lunch today, hope all will be happy and well.

Poor beau gets the stress of me. This is the peak of it, I hope.

I’m eating well, makes me happy.

Amourx.

As I am

It’s a rough Monday morning following an odd week-end. Work interfered from when I rose up on Saturday, and I saw things in my email yesterday that interfered with my sleeping this night. So this morning I am dizzy and my head is pounding. I meant to cook-up breakfast and lunch but I am so not hungry that I am drinking a light coffee and thought to write instead.

I did good things and missed some. I kept dishes cleaned, did some laundry and hand-washed my hand-knit in progress blanket. I missed the gym on both days, but I enjoyed a lovely bike ride with beau. We went to the Pointe again and I made a picnic and he brought rosé. The air was sweet and warm, it was a beautiful day.

I missed my sister’s suggestion to do something with her, and I missed my yearly condo meeting. You must know how cheap I feel about this. But I applied to an interesting position on Sunday. It took a few intense hours to write up my letter to the employer. I hope I get a call, even if I am not sure that the conditions would be suitable. The job itself is really interesting for me. I saw other potential jobs but they were a bit off-track for me so I didn’t apply. Still this means there are opportunities and I am knocking, and overall this is opening a positive spiral I think.

I forgot to mention that I bought a huge amount of groceries. Well, an expensive amount is more accurate. Because I skipped the gym I said I would watch my diet and I am doing that. It gives me a sense of control. But if you had watched my face this week-end you would see a worried girl and a stressed girl, like an animal that’s been poked by lab rats too often. Saturday in particular all good intentions were unattainable, and the day was oddly spent in a peculiar state of resting and worrying.

I still love beau and am happy with the place I am in this world. I’m facing challenges and there is no need to panic. Failure is acceptable. The main thing is to keep respecting and taking care of myself, try to let the chaos flow through and stay upright as I was.

Amourx.

Fast times, Slow times and fedupness

Today I understand that my extenuation this week could have something to do with the bbq night I had last week. I should make efforts now to limit drinking in special events - I am not 20 year old anymore and even then, I didn’t have the most merry twenties.

Yesterday I shut down, I only showed up for 4 hours at work and then I went home and didn’t look at emails, phone, nada. I canceled going to see a play with my nephews in it. My mom and sister were disappointed, but the kid I spoke to was fine. It was in the South Shore, a bit of a drive, and I new I wouldn’t stand sitting uncomfortably for hours, while all I want is a hot bath and to dose off.

I read almost the entire Smart Women Finish Rich book, as if I have a sudden urgency about getting my finances together. I do, and I’m doing it. Because while I am squeezed in these earning years I will get the most out of it - i.e. start contributing heftily to retirement savings. After that I have to consider and help beau with his issues. We have to figure out how we are going to manage while he pays off his debt. He is going to move in with me in a few months :).

I made an effort to do some light cleaning. Cleared the table, emptied and filled the dishwasher, lined up the shoes, washed the bedsheets, and hand washed 3 tops with lovely jasmine scented Eucalan. Smells great, and I will be able to clean a basket of delicates that have been waiting forever in my bedroom.

I haven’t eaten right in a few days. Not hungry in the am, grabbing whatever in the pm (rice, bread with cheese, a glass of wine). I fuel on coffee for the better part of the day. I see how all this plays up in my exhaustion and fedupness.

I did write some goals and values down while I was reading the book. But for today I think i should wish for a gentle one, a friendly one, where time pasts fast while doing slow things. I wish for energy and laughter and restful times.

Amourx.

1.5

I am quite depleted this morning and have only 5 minutes, to say that I love my 1.5 year old love. Turns out we celebrated by coincidence by going to the opera, and not by coincidence he brought flowers and bubbly even if it’s not necessary, its great.

Depleted because I am very much not pregnant this week and had a big week so far involving greeting our Japanese friends at work. Turns out that they are wonderful people, very sweet, down with it, super bright. I am very foud of them, they could be friends, and it turns out there is no culture clash but lots of interesting cultural differences.

My feet and knees are hurting because I bought a string of bad shoes. Read, shoes half a size too small. I didn’t think this sort of malady would hit me at 39. I’m down because I am getting too big for all my clothes, which were already bought because my other clothes where too small.

I blame work for depletion, for weight gain and for not being pregnant. Probably that isn’t fair.

But oh do I love my beau.

Amourx.

Free and Big

The best part of my week-end was… maybe getting in my storage and building a shelf and putting my stuff in it under crazy heat. It didn’t take long but it sure feels good when I clear off stuff and take bags and boxes to the army surplus. I like the times I spend cleaning and clearing, just a bit here and there. I did clothes and dishes, and light vacuuming.

But the bike ride to the museum was nice as was the Peru exhibit, and so was the spontaneous bbq on Saturday. Being with my love as always makes me feel like a lucky girl.

I didn’t put my nose in work. I feel guilty, or rather scared. Scared about spending the next few days with the Japanese folks and not being on the ball, seeming out of place. Scared of my team not pulling its weight. Scared of being tired or bored, and scared of the workload.

I think I have to accept the workload. There isn’t a thing that I can do about it. However, this week I have events every night almost, and I will stick to them. It’s going to be a year and a half with the man of my life on Tuesday, and we are going to the opera. I shall think of getting him a small gift.

I’m still hoping to be pregnant, I will know by the end of the week when I get, or not, my period. I’ve been talking about living in another place with a yard, living in a smaller town. Me and beau agree on everything.

Soon there will be more satisfying house clearing and cleaning. I am to paint a few rooms and get decent furniture for the stuff I keep. In the fall beau will move in with me and his stuff will need room too.

Tonight while it is hard to live with the guilt or rather fear within me, I am savouring a quiet and beautiful Sunday. I know this is good, I wish that my heart gets it too, so I that I didn’t feel scared but instead feel brave and valiant, free and big enough to step over these hardships without looking, face in the wind staring ahead at higher realms.

That will do nicely. I feel closer to the goal now -- it is really a matter of bravery.

Amourx.

On writing

I need to get back at the sensual physical world. Write about my fingers touching the keyboard and my head vibrating and numb. Seeing my shoes, my long list of shoes.

My nails broken and cut half hasardly. My hair straightened, oddly soft and long, thick. My face still feels drawn in and stupid like a chewawa after my 9 years old surgery. Both contributing to emit a bimbo effect.

Write about my arms feeling the work. The noise from my bedroom as my beau rises. My tapping fingers. Memories of me in a photo-shoot with one-piece. Write in french, write a book.

Amourx.

In the bullet zone

I shall repeat my 30 minutes recipe this morning. I rise early for this, have coffee, ok.

Not sure how to put down what’s at the bottom of my heart. Job search is still dismal. I have been barely able to dispatch some of the work, which is a big relief. I still see deliverables appearing on an hourly basis - I have never worked so much and so inhumanly fast for an account. It helps to put this down, because what we are doing is extraordinary.

Why don’t I feel gratitude about this at the agency.

Some people have sent congratulations and told me how big this is of me and my team. People that matter to me personally.

But I don’t think that the direction gets what we in interactive are doing and what it requires and can give back. They repeatedly underestimate this media to the point that we are still not making any money with it where we should.

At least there is talent.

And then, I don’t feel like soiling this place by mentioning something which i am ashamed of. But on a weekly basis, I get hit by it. Something that triggers me deeply, gets at my core values, and that is the best motivation for my current job search.

In this context I have to bite bullets and hammer inordinate amount of work while directing a team to help me while keeping things structured and manageable. We are called for 24/7. I am burned.

The good, then:

I’ve been exercising regularly by taking 2 or 3 classes at the YMCA and at the morning yoga class at work. I also cook and bring lunches to work when I can. When I am able to do this, things get better by 30% straight away. I’m not always able to do this but that’s ok.

I’ve been taking care of financial stuff. This is boring for you reader, but for me this is also something that makes me feel 30% better. Otherwise I am haunted by the feeling of losing my life to the unworthy cause of work.

Next step is clearing out stuff and painting in my condo.

I have social events here and there but feel depressed about something. I need to rest and travel.

Amourx.

Get Lucky

30 minutes of me time. First, coffee.

It is a good escape for me to look for jobs in other domains. I have been doing this since I found a potentially good job at my old University. I applied in catastrophe, it was the last day to enter, and have been checking my old answering machine (the one tied to the land line phone that I rarely use) and my Linked In account ever since.

The Linked In views did creep up from nil to about 20 views that week, but that may be just because I had updated my profile. The whole updating of the CV was a good excercise. Since then I have been frantically looking for other jobs everyday, but nothing came up worth applying too.

The reason I am doing this is that I have fallen into a trap at work, where i become the workhorse of new business, and very odd hours have been adding up. I am not having fun. Actually I have been feeling signs of depression knocking at my door. I stopped going to social events related to work. I am often gloomy, because there is a dark cloud in me about hating this situation.

It’s something I’ve been through before. I’m not blaming my employers, but I may not be the person to carry this on and be responsible for my department at the same time. This function is being mostly set aside, and this is also frustrating.

I have seen a job counsellor and ended up with a plan to start teaching. After 8 sessions I realized that as much as it does appeal to me, the way in seems like a stretch. The starting salary for a full time entry position is half what I earn, and I would be starting part time.

I’m not drawing a line on it but it’s not for now. I am actually trying to have a baby ☺. Just trying is a wonderful event for me. It means that my life has become full and healthy and rich enough to want to create and raise a new little one. It means I found the man who is with no hesitation my life partner!

But I am not pregnant. We have been trying for a few months, not very methodically, just letting things try to happen. When I get my period I get disappointed but accept it. Next month I will start thinking about going to the doctor to see if we’re good to procreate. I am 39 years old, he 38, this is always in the back of my mind.

So while I am not being pregnant I am starting to burn-out, which probably isn’t helping getting pregnant. That’s why looking for jobs to change my working conditions is smart and feels good. I’m wiling to drop my salary substantially, if you’re wondering, for a job which has normal hours and manageable expectations. Still the pickings are few and far between at my level.

Meanwhile my beau is also unhappy at work and has accumulated serious financial dept. Thankfully since I’ve known him I have seen him assess his problem, look at his situation and seek financial advice. It won’t be easy, but he is taking action to clear his debt within 3-4 years. Meanwhile, he wants to engage in a very demanding new career which would starts with a 2-3 years full-time or intensive study program. It is hard for him to qualify for this program so we don’t know yet. He may hit a big disappointing rejection too. We are not out of the woods. If we have a baby in toe, this will be something to juggle.

My 30 minutes are over. I hope I get lucky.

Amourx.