My Saul

Nothing is ever the same day after day. I have slightly less intense pangs of anxiety, that's good. I'm cultivating patience, serenity, inner balance, confidence in my mudra since yesterday. It seem to work and I hope it keeps on today.

I was able to spend the whole day, the whole hours at my desk. Doing things needed to be done. Nothing I do is difficult, but there is so much emotion around them - stress, fear, worry, anxiety... Often feels like I'm not in my true place. I'm actually an impersonator. A very shy one.

People have said I'm very strong like a rock, calm and focused leading my projects all the way to their destination. A quiet force. Most people like working with me, they have said. But this summer I fell out of myself and lost all my bearings and confidence. I disintegrated. I am thankful that in fact, my tasks where easy if not unpredictable.

I felt this way in Asia, 15 years ago on a 4 month trip. Asia was beautiful, I was traveling alone, lonely, probably scared too, and after many breakdown sort of days I realized that Asia wasn't my place in the world at that moment. That made it easier for me to accept what was going on, that it's not going to be a walk in the park. Loneliness was my biggest hurt. I stayed anyway, it got better or I changed my attitude and made some friends along the way.

I looked at colleges program's where I could teach, and I was discouraged. These technical courses seem miles away in my past, I don't have confidence but even more I don't feel interest in teaching those specific courses. Maybe I didn't look enough, maybe I looked at it the wrong way.

I feel like I want a body of knowledge and authority in a field that improves human condition, acceptance and communication. I want to have it, translate it, teach it and propel it in the world.

My ideals and perfectionism and all that.

I looked at translation programs, maybe this would be a good course, appeasing and well directed. No choices to make for 2 years, just learn, be in letters, then just translate away. Seems simple. Studying is interesting me now, but it should be a course that is clearly associated with real life work returns. Also something I can do at night.

While I'm pregnant perhaps. Lover would like to wait, he's stressed about debts and he's also going back to school I hope. Why not live like poor young bucks in love and with child. Children even. Seems like a good course to me. I know it's stressful for my dear love.

If we can continue to manage the household. Looks like we have established some good habits this summer. Dishes and clothing are put away everyday. He has done a lot of cleaning bless him. We can only continue like this.

All this to say that yesterday was ok inside and also in conversations that I had with my peers, the few of them who are actually at work, it's such a low season. Nothing else changes, I meditate, I breath, I take a bike ride to my Saul, and I eat only what I need (and clean up the dishes). It's hard to plan further than that, transitions into the week end, into vacation, into motherhood.

My Saul looks like this - I may post a picture of the real one someday.

Gradation

Wednesday, pivot day. Sitting on my eternal sofa feeling a bit buzzed in the background. Perhaps my medication is starting to kick in, coupled with my coffee.

My days are different this week. I've been free from deadlines personally, only managing a very autonomous team at distance, and had some time. There was supposed to be stuff done about being the perfect employee, catching up and cleaning up. But I took my bike and went home and read instead.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon really just chilling at a studio where I didn't absolutely need to be. But I enjoyed the comradeship of this team, and also the long bike ride to and fro, in the highest heat of summer.

I may not know the gradation between overwhelmed and normal.

I beat myself up about it too. Well in better terms it ignites fear, panic, and brutal judgment. Maybe this panic is more accessible if I am not overwhelmed, if I have space and time to feel it. In my free time during the worst saturdays and sundays, I had that panic paralysis. I didn't know what to do. Conflicted by fear that pushes me where I resisted to go. The best things I did when that happened was when I picked up a few things around the house, did a quick bike ride and created an exquisit meal.

I see that coming now at work and I know that in the state I'm in, if I can quietly do the cleaning and closing and sorting out that I need to do, it is enough. My fear will make me ask for what's next and what's more. I'm bizarrely afraid of the new structure too, two people coming back from vacay, feel like they will find out how I lagged and lacked. I have to be so patient and accepting of myself. Even if I end up breaking down at work.

Sometimes, usually, things fix themselves up at work. But yesterday we lost another 15 year old client. Everybody, it seems, is talking about leaving. I wasn't there when they announced, but the leaders are maybe alone in their faith. It's pretty dire but that's the bottom of it.

Back to myself, i appreciate the meditation work I'm doing. Feels like there is so much to discover, as gently as it needs to be. I fear today, and next week, but I will take it bit by bit like I do on week-ends.

I was given choice to go to a shoot in the UK! But scheduled during the IVF... so I was with this debate, but today I was revoked that choice, I think. Now it's in Budapest at another date. Anyway, it will be easy to do my IVF in a August, it would of been hard to delay that.

Overall, not too bad. I'm definitly gettying better.

Amourx.

Less is Less

I had a lovely week-end. Bookended with stressy work stuff but in between, there was yoga and nails and a long bike ride in the caressing sun. There was my beau waking me with coffee in the Cubita cups. A walk in a different neighborhood with people watching, ice cream (sorbet for me) and a drink in the loveliest terrasse of the loveliest corner where every culture meet in grace at Hutchison & Fairmount.

Oh and a beautiful and sooo tasty dish of lamb and porc chops on vegetables. The taste blew us away. It must have been the combination of slow cooked meat juice, dijon mustard and that corse pink salt from the Andes.

I may be getting better. I have these pangs of stress that wake me and take over. I observe these and they fleet but sometimes I catch judgements. They would be judgements of my wrongdoing or wrongbeing, but this is a very fleeting impression, then I have this bleh feeling or malaise that I probably push out as fast as possible. If I follow this sequence rationnaly the judgment leads to shame of being and fear of doing. But this is getting ahead of myself because when I meditate or when I breath through the pangs, I mostly feel the fear.

Meditating is like taking a warm bath. I feel renewed and relaxed afterwards. I look forward to it, to find out how am I doing today. It created some space and I see that's what is needed to calm myself and to work through my troubles. My troubles are linked to having too much, work, food, information, paperwork, clutter, drinks, stress... Creating some time for nothing is healing. Eating less food, being mindful about it, is also a pleasant effect that is calming and connecting me to my body.

This body is still miles away from this head, but they are reaching out and still want to be together.

Amourx.

Day x

Would be nice to say Day x. Since I started to rewrite, like the days that appear at the begining of each The Killing episodes, as they try to solve the murder.

My mornings have a pattern now. I make coffee and sit and do mudras as it drips. Mudras are the most esoteric practice that I do, but I found that they work like magic. They are hand gestures or poses, like yoga asanas. It comes from ancient practices around the world. You have seen these in praying people, officiators and dancers, but there are a wide variety for various ailments. I have a book full of them and what they do. I simply sit adopting the one that feels right this week, and meditate as guided by the book.

This week is for assertiveness, but I can never think that word outright. I stumble or get awareness instead. But some confidence, stability and assertiveness is what I'm calling for. Even now I write awareness instead and track back to correct it. Maybe something's going on :-).

Then I read or write a bit here or in my other meditation program notes. This is a gratitude based guided meditation I do in the evening --I'm binging. I will then do a 15 minute unguided MBSR meditation. This is Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, you can find books about it. It is a program to overcome mental illness like depression, anxiety and PTSD or chronic pain. It is different in that it is very secular. It does not bring the buddha or christ or sanskrit mantra's in the practice. It makes it a bit dry but good because everyone can adhere without having to give and take some.

Anyway I do 15 minutes of unguided meditation in the morning, lying on a mat with a towel rolled up that props up my back a bit as I hope to open my shoulders against the hunch and my propensity to go fetal position all the time.

Then I get ready and eat a small meal, often 2 boiled eggs.

So what does that do to me? I find it as I unravel my days as they come. I found that wednesday was a turning point because in the evening, the fear finally took a break and let me be for a while. I also saw my fear in my colleague's expression. I find him so uncompassionate normally that it felt like an odd transfer that actually relieved me. And I unknotted a negotiation, did the "hard" things at work (everything is hard in this state) and ended up feeling a bit free.

This week we have one more colleague leaving and another one burning out on temp leave for a month. Everyone is affected by these hardships. Thank god that there are dogs visiting the office everyday. It's like dog-therapy, every dog owner bringing their dogs to work.

Touching wood, work was easier yesterday and I will try to let myself take the downtime to close files and tidy up until my vacation. Anxiety and pure workload never let me do this, so it won't be that easy. I also use the downtime out - literally taking longer breaks, shorter hours.

Inside I may be calmer but something is still creeping. It's ok. This is my rational brain talking today - it's more interesting when it comes from inside. I will go to it now.

Amourx.

Repair

An update. I'm still traversed with constant painful and paralysing feelings. I went home yesterday to work from there but mainly to rest. I couldn't deal. I called for help, we have a support system that offers psychology, orientation and other services for free, for us in the communication industry. The first time I had hear of it I thought it was very surprising, that people of the industry, so "well-off" and well insured, needed a free support system. And that some people had built one. And here I am in distress and happy that these people will probably understand my condition like no other.

My voice broke during the call and after I received appointments for a career conselor and a psychologist, after I hung up, I broke down in big sobs. I figure this is good.

I am diligent at the meditation practice in the morning, in the evening, when I think about it during the day. I believe in it. I think I feel the change or the potential of change. It makes for a sobering life. I worry about my relationship. Am I so changed by my condition that I am no longer a star candidate, am I too serious about fixing it. I cut on drinking and watch what I eat, and I don't socialize much. This is kind of serious living, not so carefree and lively anymore.

And we are having IVF soon. I realised I started my hormones 2 weeks too early. Fuck if that helps anything!! But the nurse said I could go on with the protocol anyway.

In the daily meditation of the MBSR book I'm following, when I'm not "guided" my mind wanders away most of the time. I'm trying to access the depth of me, the solid one, and I'm not sure It's like I'm knocking on the door. But then I just breath cause that's all i'm supposed to do. Maybe journal too, I should check. I'm not rigourous because I'm also doing a 21 day gratitude based guided meditation at the same time.

Plus reading books, novels. I think that's a soothing thing to do too.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say here today. Sometimes I feel a sadness at the end of my breaths. I think there is room for repair.

Amourx.

Colville

Hello there. Taking fifteen minutes on a mac that definitly needs some maintenance, as I'm trying to recuperate 4 years of photos from Michal's old phone.

I had a verly lovely, beautiful summer week-end including a day trip on a train to ottawa to visit the Alex Colville exhibit - loved it, a bike ride, a family dinner and a still clean house. Weather and everything was great. On the inside I'm still not great or beautiful but I think this is not the goal, I think you don't always be great or beautiful inside, and when I have those so numerous moments in the past it's because I am blessed.

Learning to be gentle and kind to myself inside, I think is the biggest hurdle. Acceptance. I have faith, and imagination, and beautiful feelings and visions along the way. I feel deep calm sometimes when I meditate. Couldn't connect with my belly as much - it's like somewhere else, so I'll keep inquiring.

Amourx.

Balancing Act

My computer is making very distracting noises and pages take a while to load, bear with me.

It's saturday, funeral and work has past, and I'm up early for a trip to Ottawa by train with my mother and sister, to visit the Alex Coleville exhibition. That is a very nicely planned day.

My anxiety was in force again all week. I worked very late on Monday and Thursday night - nothing difficult. I don't remember Tuesday and Wednesday was the funeral (I slept all afternoon that day, it was good for me).

I don't remember much but I can talk about yesterday. A great fear in my body and around my heart, on my skin and in my breath, for a danger that doesn't exist. I walk around and do my tasks and talk with my pears carrying this. When I sit at my desk it's like that too. Making it hard to do one simple thing at a time.  

It could be called great stress too. I've seen it in others at times, and mine shows i'm sure. But I notice that the people whom I'm the most nervous about (mostly everybody at this point) are not excluding me. They are kind. They even respect my timid presence. They answer every question with attention. They do everything that needs to get done beyond what I must tell them to do (that's my job). They... are very nice people. And I'm terribly afraid to speak my mind, but I still do.

I took a calming pill for the first time in my life yesterday. Not sure what you call them - they are "as needed" but you don't want to get used to them. It helped, the afternoon went a bit easier and then I rested. The other meds that I started taking won't kick in for another 3-5 weeks, we'll see.

I regret that I didn't exercise or do yoga, or have long bike rides, since I went to Charlevoix. In combination with my body enlarging and bulging (holly thighs! holly boobs!),  that makes dressing up and shopping a hard exercise, I worry. I eat whatever too, I do that when I'm stressed.

This body change may have to do, on top of natural aging, with my fertility treatment - i'm doing IVF. One could say that this is a stressful, life altering program that maybe is contributing to my mood condition. I don't know - feels natural and positive to me. But I miscarried in March. And I'm about to start over, have 2 patches of estrogen on my body at all times currently, hormones are definitely changing me. 

I'm good at meditating though, and I will keep at it. It helps. When I am not meditating, I hope that I can outplay the drowsy comfort of being still. Maybe next week - one step at a time, I also have to be kind, patient and accepting with myself.

Amourx.

Humility

Today. I have lost a lot of peace, my anxiety has shot through the roof it seems, but I am still functioning. It feels like pain inside, how the printer won’t work, how emails are assaulting me, how I can’t get it together. I bump into contundent corners, I speak faux pas. I have an unbearable timidity that is governed by fear of something.

It was showing its head for a long time now, at every good or bad change I went through at work. With the climate, with everyone leaving, with the industry or that place being ran over by newness that it can’t keep up with. 

Now I feel not anchored nor supported; but I lost the capacity for decisions, for actions. Something terrible happened in my surrounding. A baby not one year old, killed, by his father. Just this phrase is unbearable, I fear to traumatize people like it does me. There has been a wake and a funeral is to come. 

Of course this is worsening my state of anxiety and in this grieving and recovering from a shock that I couldn’t fathom--but the family is strong and loving and will come through, and that relieves me--I find some kindness within to let me be imperfect, awkward and limited at work. I have stopped social activities but they can wait.

My thinking head, so disconnected from my heart and body, has ideas and knows resources. I went to the doctor’s and asked for the medication that has proven to work. Now I am writing and reading self help things about meditation, then I do it my way for a few minutes. I do have exercise and nature in my horizon but they are playing a minor role today.

More boldly, my thinking head and my body have determined that I should change careers again. Every part of me is at peace with this. I chose teaching in college as something natural, doable, and good for me. For the regularity of it, the breaks, the fulfilment probably. So I can be appeased from the constant changes. So that what I do has meaning and depth. I lost the meaning and the depth I need in my current job.

Maybe as a teacher, I will have time to do other things I like such as writing. Maybe I can just rest my quiet head and tap into my self and be at peace. Maybe that’s enough.

But you know, meanwhile I am getting pregnant again very soon. It takes 9 months, I’m sure that I can heal along the way. I already feel better, just took in a deep breath.

In this state of anxiety, I live with a fear of everything, a dooming fear of the worst shame or worst sins or hurting someone or being hurt.  But then it’s just email or the printer, so I do what I have to do. It’s must harder when I need to think, expose my rational and engage others, but I still try to do it. And worst when I interact with the end clients or end consumers - I just don’t want to, but I still go through the motion.

Imagine that I had to host japanese colleagues and clients for the last few days, working all hours on a shoot with a team. Thankfully I could be kind of “accessory”  because my team is so strong and good. But I’m a director, and a perfectonist, and it’s hard for me to be that way. 

Humiliation is probably the thing I fear the most, I live my life to avoid it. No one in my entourage is mean enough to abuse the situation that way, it’s very much an exaggerated fear. I find I can replace it and think about humility, and kindness to myself just like my peers are kind to me.

So this idea of changes of career, I don’t know how or when. I filled out a digital application though! And my step-mom will help, I have an army of teachers in my family. I know that I’m gifted when it comes to learning and probably teaching, and going through the hoops to get in. But, my work, the funeral, is enough to handle for this week.

Amourx.