De l'eau

Debout au milieu de la nuit, j'ai eu cette inspiration que je suis déshydratée, surtout depuis dimanche que je bois de l'alcool ou du café sans regarder. Je me demandais si je devais prendre une pilule de dodo en plus des pilules de veille que je reprends pour me sortir du bois, puis j'ai penser à l'eau comme une évidence qui m'échappe depuis le début de la semaine.

De l'eau, c'est ce que mon père réclamait à ses dernier jours, et dans mes rêves à ce moment là qu'il nous quittait. Ces temps-ci je l'invoque presque, parfois, pour qu'il me rassure sur qui je suis, au fond. Il me dira que je suis belle et que j'ai bon coeur, et que la vie peut être merveilleuse ou mesquine - on le sait pas. Et je suis d'avis qu'on n'y peut rien (en fait je suis d'avis qu'elle est neutre, la vie. On est juste dedans).

Il reste 3 dodos. Si je ne fait pas mes nuits, j'aime mieux écrire ici en buvant de l'eau que ruminer dans mon lit. Je crois que j'ai une inspiration là, pour m'aider à prendre des décisions.

Et puis je me laisse aller dans la nuit, advienne ce qui arrive au lendemain - ce ne sera jamais bien grave. J'entends sauve ta peau quelque part. Je prends un verre d'eau.

Amourx.

Good things:

Dinner with mom
Boating with sis
Summer still sizzling
Only 3 more days till vacation

Stiches

Often the worst fears turn out to be nothing. I have the fear of the last week before vacation, but I am caught up reading stichywitch's blog chronologically. I find it soothing.

Amourx.

Addendum

I got my pill sans prescription
I did my work
I did my workout
I am still in hyper mode
Thinking of what I can do, should do
Thinking about social anxieties
Thinking about meetings at work, can't help it
Thinking about my vacations, can't put my finger on them
I hope that I dream about them
I hope that I wake up all better
I hope that I will be fierce, very fierce, from now on.

Amourx.

The Good, the Bad and the Zany

Good things, let's see...

The canal bed at the lock under the bridge
The podcasts in the morning, at lunch and on the way home
Copain's surprise travel planning
The c-l-e-a-n floors!
The light in the entry way
The surprising long and deep night of sleep. I couldn't even unfold my wrist, I went flat out for 8 hours.
My home.

But there was quite a lot of the bad and the zany today -- most of which I can't write about, but it's enough to send me right back into prescription pill-dom. My doctor is not available until after my vacation, in a month, so that means that I have to deal with my crisis without him.

Because people, I am in a crisis. I could go to my therapist but doing 1-2 sessions with him seems like too much with everything else. Going there, all the way to St-Basile, is a trip in itself. This too shall happen after. What else will happen after? ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOSE. Be prepared.

The other fact of the matter is that I am FAT and expanding. Pill-dom will NOT help, so I am going to pop-in a workout dvd right now, fiercely.

Please allow me the free use of all caps.

I'll be all right (but your prayers are welcome).

Amourx.

I am listening

Odd that I had a very good summer day, but tonight I am not sleeping because I am taken by very unnerving thoughts. So much so that I think I should listen. So much so that it burns.

To relieve me let me tell you of my day. It started at a very lovely mexican bistro for brunch. I had the chilaquiles. Lord. I did not know that I could have a tortilla and salsa meal for breakfast. I will die happier.

Then on my notice I ran, hopped and skipped around the park and canal, than threw myself in the empty swimming pool under the sun. This is my new regimen and I am fierce about it. The pool was empty of people, not water, by the way. It was odd and delightful to swim in it alone. Such a big pool for moi. Copain came too but true to himself, he only dipped his feet.

I had an impromptu invite to my nieces b-day and she got a lovely fish named Milkshake. Although the gift has my name on it, her mom had most of everything to do with the giving. It was complicated to get and very nearly didn't happen. We sat around the fireplace in the yard with the mosquitoes and chatted to the sisters without pain. Even copain behaved the hole night. And the cake was nice.

I fell asleep on the movie a couple hours ago. The ugly part of the day is the last hour. But that's why I am here, listening.

Amourx.

O Oh

Hello, this is miss doom and gloom -- not.

Good things:
Majhong
Coffee
The pool (the public pool -- I don't have a yard let alone a swimming pool in my condo, but I have 3 very nice public swimming pools at arms reach)
The love of writing
The love of reading
O magazine (don't quote me on this one)
The impromptu day off (was ill the night before)
Café Mariani
Short sisterly email with no pain in them
Conversations with an anonymous samaritan

Love.

I know

Good things...

New cargo pants
Meditation podcasts all night
Samaritans
Meaghan Smith
Sisters
The faint knowledge that I control my acts, like now.

Amourx.

Beat

I lied about doing a bad job at work - I'm doing a really good one, there is no point denying my good work.

I felt like crying once or twice, specially at after a 'how are you' from an overseas friend. That didn't go too well, I always forget to be professional with this guy. Part of my job means that I should really manage emotions and master the poker face, no emotion drill. My friend and ex boss J is the queen in this respect. But lets face it, I am a very emotional, sensitive girl that is still struggling to even understand these beasties within me.

Home now I am beat. Had no sleep last night. The day feels like a breakup, but copain doesn't seem to see it that way and I don't have the heart or the strenght to push it further. I am collapsed on my sofa, ate way to much, and will be in this position until tomorrow. Not making any plans for holiday (because should we talk them apart?), Not knitting his sweater, Not doing any of the things that would help me feel good, pushing everything to tomorrow and the next day, and the next day.

I gotta leave this town.

Amourx.

Gentile Souls

I will not do a good job at work this week. This sets it up. I had a fight with copain yesterday that ended in tears, and maybe the end is near. Things tend to happen all together, I notice. It's very hard for me to contemplate failure, to see it coming, and to drive through it. I am particularly well geared to deliver the impossible and to make my clients happy and trusting at the same time. You give me a task, and I will take care of it through thick and thin and to the grave if I must. There is something in me that doesn't want to let people down - I really don't.

Love is different. I could say in a rather dark statement that I don't believe that I can have the partner and the life that I want, that I don't believe in it, so I don't expect it. Maybe what I have now is faulty -- well I know that it is. I say that it boils down to what I can tolerate in the long term, or of meeting the proverbial bottom of the barrel. It's grim. So maybe I need a break from it all.

Good things? My blue shirt-dress, coffee, rain pouring all night, and a beautiful big family of gentile souls.

Amourx.

Not a Smart Girl

It's been a while and it may not be long. I am using 5 minutes between things to post, but copain will be here in a bit and I will be off to my mom's for a family diner with little cousin from Calgary.

I don't think that I have Ever been so constantly irritated by every human interaction that is. Ya'll know the stress at work drill, but this is different. All through the week-end I was so short tempered, as if I had a life to save and everything, everyone, didn't cooperate and came in my way. And that was just copain. Imagine when I get into work and am in a constant flux of requests and deadlines.

And my brain is definitely going dark. I'm always certain that people turn and hate me. I feel it like pins going through me. But is that really possible?

Couple that with talking to myself, nearly going into accidents, and displaying some Tourette syndrome/alzheimer behavior - things are not going better.

I know that what I need is a break, or pills. I don't know when I will start to do something about it. I had a deadline last February. I skipped it, and things have only gotten worst. I am not a smart girl.

Amourx.