Quick update. The dark veil that coloured my life is still lifted. I have NEVER felt something like this with this constance. Happiness was always a matter of precarious luck for me. There was always some kind of doom lurking around the corner. I am impressed with the way this treatment is going.
So meds indeed, and amen. But I must say that there are other factors that are playing in the balance. I am moving in a month for the first time in 10 years. Out with the old gloomy broken down cold and miserly flat, in with the brand new condo owned by moi. This time in history is big for me.
Yesterday I read a fitness book front to back. I am 39% fat! I am at least 15 pounds overweight, and I want to get lean. So I will. My reaction to these numbers: happiness! I like goal setting and looking good too. Yup, I would of winced at this kind of statement if it weren't true.
And, I always want to get stuff ($$$). I am careful though, I don't have a expensive lifestyle. It's just that I want to look good, I want to feel good, I want to be surrounded by beautiful things, I want to play. I want to let me feel like the kid that I am, happy, excited, and fearless.
I'm in the counter vicious circle, at last.
I let myself be compulsive for a while, but now I'm changing strategy. I will write down what I want to have, and maybe the want will go away, or maybe I will purchase it as a reward for getting things done. I want a suunto lumi watch and a polar hyper sophisticated weight training heart rate monitor watch (I lost my cheaper HR watch). I want those very alluring boots I found at the new shop on St-Catherine's. I want to take ballet dance lessons even if I'm 35, and I want to wear all that feminine dancing gear.
2 month ago I couldn't name a thing that I liked to do or wanted.
I do want to write a book or novella. And keep my career (it just shifted to something fun and promising, en passant). And reconnect with others. And be fit, healthy and cute.
Sounds like a plan for 09. Amen.
Amourx.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Lovely Snowy Day
I came home loving the thick thud of snow that's wrapping up the city nicely. Then i read my mail: mistake, mistake.
In one day I am home free. Taken away by civilities for 3 days, then on my own. Wrapped up nicely in a thud of thick snow.
One thing goes very well with snow: deep red wine.
Amourx.
In one day I am home free. Taken away by civilities for 3 days, then on my own. Wrapped up nicely in a thud of thick snow.
One thing goes very well with snow: deep red wine.
Amourx.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Update
It was a week of a few revolutions. First and foremost, the dark cloud that tinted everything, and specially others, has lifted. Just like that - every interaction is normally friendly as it should be. Life feels good! I don't always feel like disappearing, hiding hideous abominations for so long that I don't even know what they are about anymore. Oh yeah, that wasn't me.
I did not follow my fitness plan because of a major binge drinking client xmas party (the free booze no food kind). I had no clients there but still ended up cozying up to one and being noticed. I have spent 4 days being totally embarrassed because I had lost my memory and didn't know exactly what I did with who. Let alone what I said. Ouch! Reliving my teens here. Finally I remember everything (I think), and it has been a good laugh.
I signed my lease annulment. This is the one and only time in 10 years that my landlord hasn't been a total moron and gave me no trouble. He's still a tadpole.
Now, for a final revolution: I got the magic flat iron that turns my big coarse head into fine, beautiful, shiny, shampoo commercial grade hair. Revolution is a small word.
Amourx.
I did not follow my fitness plan because of a major binge drinking client xmas party (the free booze no food kind). I had no clients there but still ended up cozying up to one and being noticed. I have spent 4 days being totally embarrassed because I had lost my memory and didn't know exactly what I did with who. Let alone what I said. Ouch! Reliving my teens here. Finally I remember everything (I think), and it has been a good laugh.
I signed my lease annulment. This is the one and only time in 10 years that my landlord hasn't been a total moron and gave me no trouble. He's still a tadpole.
Now, for a final revolution: I got the magic flat iron that turns my big coarse head into fine, beautiful, shiny, shampoo commercial grade hair. Revolution is a small word.
Amourx.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Cave Woman
A pack of 3 large soft cover moleskins, for my book
A book on writing, also for my book
A balance ball kit with dvd and resistance band
A hair mag
No need for running shoes - the ones I have are fine. I wasn't going to return home empty handed, so I carefully indulged in the above.
I forgot to mention the light wind/water resistant shell I got when I dropped my skies off at the shop.
You got to admit though, there are worst vices. Most of this stuff is to help me be more better. Meditation kit, balance ball, blow dryer... (and oh my god this blow dryer sooo rocks! My hair dry in an instant, and i have A LOT of hair, it normally takes OVER 12 HOURS for them to completely air dry. This new device did it in 5 minutes. I kid you not. Plus, it makes it all shiny with its infrared ionized tourmaline ceramic bi-motor 80 mile per hour goodness).
All tripping over the hair dryer business aside, this isn't exactly a revolution. I still have a long way to go. Going out and seeing people, going out dancing and partying, going to soirées... I have to go pick my life where I dropped it off last time.
But for now I'm perfectly content with my stuff, my couch, a blanket, some energy bars and grapefruit juice within hand's reach. That's my primal best idea for any night. With or without the boyfriend. If I had cable and a big tv screen I would never leave.
I can think of a thousand things that are wrong with that picture. I'm just saying that's where the kat wants to go these days, and I'm not fighting with the kat.
Amourx.
A book on writing, also for my book
A balance ball kit with dvd and resistance band
A hair mag
No need for running shoes - the ones I have are fine. I wasn't going to return home empty handed, so I carefully indulged in the above.
I forgot to mention the light wind/water resistant shell I got when I dropped my skies off at the shop.
You got to admit though, there are worst vices. Most of this stuff is to help me be more better. Meditation kit, balance ball, blow dryer... (and oh my god this blow dryer sooo rocks! My hair dry in an instant, and i have A LOT of hair, it normally takes OVER 12 HOURS for them to completely air dry. This new device did it in 5 minutes. I kid you not. Plus, it makes it all shiny with its infrared ionized tourmaline ceramic bi-motor 80 mile per hour goodness).
All tripping over the hair dryer business aside, this isn't exactly a revolution. I still have a long way to go. Going out and seeing people, going out dancing and partying, going to soirées... I have to go pick my life where I dropped it off last time.
But for now I'm perfectly content with my stuff, my couch, a blanket, some energy bars and grapefruit juice within hand's reach. That's my primal best idea for any night. With or without the boyfriend. If I had cable and a big tv screen I would never leave.
I can think of a thousand things that are wrong with that picture. I'm just saying that's where the kat wants to go these days, and I'm not fighting with the kat.
Amourx.
Manque
Two hard cover makeup beauty books
One hair dryer diffuser (it's magic)
Eye cream, face cream, lip balm, foundation, concealer, powder, blush and lip base.
A promise to take my mom to the hairdresser and colorist (she's recovering from knee surgery and has to stay in a rehabilitation hospital 'til god knows when - she hogs my Nintendo DS now).
I left my skies at the ski shop to have them ready for the season.
Now I will get one pair of indoor running shoes and one pair of outdoor running shoes and after this i will STOP.
Then I'll balance my budget, minus this week.
****************************
There is no good English word for the French manque. The closest thing is 'withdrawal', but manque doesn't imply having experienced something once before. It's the state of being incomplete without something.
I am clearly permanently affected by some manques in my life. They are old news and not replaceable.
However, this week I am binging on buying stuff. It feels sooo good. I don't normally do this. I love my stuff.
It's not a good idea to be to severe with yourself your hole entire life. It can lead to sudden holes in your savings.
I'll be alright.
Amourx.
One hair dryer diffuser (it's magic)
Eye cream, face cream, lip balm, foundation, concealer, powder, blush and lip base.
A promise to take my mom to the hairdresser and colorist (she's recovering from knee surgery and has to stay in a rehabilitation hospital 'til god knows when - she hogs my Nintendo DS now).
I left my skies at the ski shop to have them ready for the season.
Now I will get one pair of indoor running shoes and one pair of outdoor running shoes and after this i will STOP.
Then I'll balance my budget, minus this week.
****************************
There is no good English word for the French manque. The closest thing is 'withdrawal', but manque doesn't imply having experienced something once before. It's the state of being incomplete without something.
I am clearly permanently affected by some manques in my life. They are old news and not replaceable.
However, this week I am binging on buying stuff. It feels sooo good. I don't normally do this. I love my stuff.
It's not a good idea to be to severe with yourself your hole entire life. It can lead to sudden holes in your savings.
I'll be alright.
Amourx.
Monday, December 1, 2008
And a partridge
I think I owe readers an account of what life on meds is doing for me. There are some obvious changes in my perception and behavior. Some good, some dubious.
I feel more grounded. I am not longer 'skinless', with nerves being hit for any imagined purposes. I could not drive before because I was too scared, having what felt like multiple near death experiences even in the passenger seat. Now, I actually like driving.
I feel a subtle pleasant 'buzz'. Like some drug educed mellowness (it is this). Particularly great in mornings and when I have a cup of coffee. Nice and mellow.
I speak out more. Without really knowing, i have started to communicate a little bit more normally. To give you an idea of how introverted I am, sometimes I think that I have some kind of autism. So, I started to 'appear' just a little bit more. It helps exponentially, for obvious reasons. Humans need to communicate with one another, it seems.
I am getting a hold of my life's elusive steering wheel, the rest of me still hanging on, dragged forward. It's not bad, i'm actually getting somewhere. It's always good.
My senses have dulled down. I crave bad food (super sour candy, ice cream, white bread with piles of cheese) and eat a lot of it. I think that my 'reward' hormone has kicked in. When I eat, it feels good. I have gained at least 10 pounds too. I used to crave fruits, lean meats and veggies. Now I eat a quart of yogurt every day. It's as if I was pregnant.
I sleep! That should of come first. That's the first effect I got from the meds, the ability to sleep through 8 hole hours. Wow! Just this is BIG.
My sex drive visited the sub zero regions. I didn't mind it but it felt awkward. I wouldn't want to be permanently this way - getting fat and not having sex. The drive is coming back, probably because I am less drained? Another side effect is that my usual hot spot is dulled down too. Lets just say that I need to work harder to go beyond a never-ending plateau. I didn't care when my drive was at zero, and I don't mind it now. I have always been one for variety, and change is good, n'est-ce pas?
Ok now before I go soak in my bath, I have to tell you about THE SHOPPING!
One top of the line professional blow drier
One 3 panel makeup mirror
One Nintendo DS
Six Nintendo DS games
One pair of 3 inch high heeled ankle boots
One game boy advance game
One fancy pedometer
One pulse indicator calorie counter stop-watch watch
One gazillion magazines
Slightly less books
A day at the Eastman spa
A pricy duvet cover
A meditation book, cards & cd kit
A set of dishes for 4
Buying these things is giving me a very pleasant buzz indeed. Is it out of character? Well... lets just say that I have not been taken very good care of myself, and needed a few things. Is it the meds? Honestly, I don't think so. This is me in pure glee - and I am restraining myself from writing just how much I LOVE all this stuff at the end of every line.
Sure, shopping is not all.
Now excuse me, I have some blow drying to do.
Amourx.
I feel more grounded. I am not longer 'skinless', with nerves being hit for any imagined purposes. I could not drive before because I was too scared, having what felt like multiple near death experiences even in the passenger seat. Now, I actually like driving.
I feel a subtle pleasant 'buzz'. Like some drug educed mellowness (it is this). Particularly great in mornings and when I have a cup of coffee. Nice and mellow.
I speak out more. Without really knowing, i have started to communicate a little bit more normally. To give you an idea of how introverted I am, sometimes I think that I have some kind of autism. So, I started to 'appear' just a little bit more. It helps exponentially, for obvious reasons. Humans need to communicate with one another, it seems.
I am getting a hold of my life's elusive steering wheel, the rest of me still hanging on, dragged forward. It's not bad, i'm actually getting somewhere. It's always good.
My senses have dulled down. I crave bad food (super sour candy, ice cream, white bread with piles of cheese) and eat a lot of it. I think that my 'reward' hormone has kicked in. When I eat, it feels good. I have gained at least 10 pounds too. I used to crave fruits, lean meats and veggies. Now I eat a quart of yogurt every day. It's as if I was pregnant.
I sleep! That should of come first. That's the first effect I got from the meds, the ability to sleep through 8 hole hours. Wow! Just this is BIG.
My sex drive visited the sub zero regions. I didn't mind it but it felt awkward. I wouldn't want to be permanently this way - getting fat and not having sex. The drive is coming back, probably because I am less drained? Another side effect is that my usual hot spot is dulled down too. Lets just say that I need to work harder to go beyond a never-ending plateau. I didn't care when my drive was at zero, and I don't mind it now. I have always been one for variety, and change is good, n'est-ce pas?
Ok now before I go soak in my bath, I have to tell you about THE SHOPPING!
One top of the line professional blow drier
One 3 panel makeup mirror
One Nintendo DS
Six Nintendo DS games
One pair of 3 inch high heeled ankle boots
One game boy advance game
One fancy pedometer
One pulse indicator calorie counter stop-watch watch
One gazillion magazines
Slightly less books
A day at the Eastman spa
A pricy duvet cover
A meditation book, cards & cd kit
A set of dishes for 4
Buying these things is giving me a very pleasant buzz indeed. Is it out of character? Well... lets just say that I have not been taken very good care of myself, and needed a few things. Is it the meds? Honestly, I don't think so. This is me in pure glee - and I am restraining myself from writing just how much I LOVE all this stuff at the end of every line.
Sure, shopping is not all.
Now excuse me, I have some blow drying to do.
Amourx.
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