The Recoil

So what's up. It's pretty outside and I'm gorging coffee like every morning. I'm looking at the neighbours' house through the trees, it has vines growing on it. I hear my boyfriend waking.

My new therapist asked what are my objectives. I'm seeing her tomorrow and want to try to answer that, but it's not easy. Having more energy is one but to do what. Better to aim for that paralyzing thing I have, were in front of options I retreat, I recoil. But I needed to. Then why and what - those are questions that are hard to answer and that's also why I don't try to write fiction, there are too many why's and what. But I thoroughly and deeply enjoy Elena Ferrante's Neapolitan series, I'm at the third book.

What is the life I want -- I said it should be simple. Anyway, I'm not sure if I have to dig and excavate something out of myself, or catch my bliss.

I understand the anxiety monster that I'm learning to distance and ignore. Feels better. There is sadness and malaise, or anger, and projection of bad thoughts all around. On Friday, the opulent houses of Westmount were judging me, walking in their neighbourhood were no bench or parc allowed me to rest. I was sad in my heart. There are no reasons.

Then I like having time now. I read, walk, meditate and do small things. I coloured two of the four mandalas but I'm also knitting a sock and thinking of knitting something else instead that's even more repetitive. I know that creation helps, and colours. I keep the house ok clean but it's not a revolution. And I would like to have a revolution in my house. Clear out a room for creation. Get rid of a lot of things, and lighten up.

Beau is also depressed I think and that is worrying me a lot too I guess. I could be more positive. Fall is truly spectacular and so bright. I think everyone supports me but I don't know, I think I have all this negative judgement that I project not even on people, in the air, in my head.

So. What I want to have is a simple life, a schedule I manage, time to rest and play and grow. Have a family and a warm house with friends. And to use my sensibility and intellect in a rewarding way, to get it out there and make good. Should be doable?

Amourx.

Summary

For the record. I found a new psychologist who gave me some mandalas to colour. In the art supply shop I awoke a bit, I was already thinking of drawing which is easier and different than writing. I cleared up  my house. My doctor and my boss told me, wrote me, that I need to rest as long as I needed to rest and I would say when. I don't have any money coming in and I have to figure that out. I'm looking at fall leaves and light and I am amazed. I still am low key but I finished my three mid term exams. I'm reading Ferrante. It's still my birthday since my family is doing a brunch for me next week-end. Kind of a new world where space is given and I am starting to accept that I can take it and use it. Beau is also happy about how it's turning out for me. I still didn't tell everyone, but there aren't that many folks to tell anyway, and this feels right. Another nice fall day today and I may get out. Administration duty linger on, but that's for tomorrow. I'm exhausted.

Amourx.