The Big Uneazy

Hello there, it feels like it has been a while.

To tell you the truth, I have been feeling the very bad feelings of yore, creeping in the background. Feeling different, removed, probably rejected, sad, scared, immobilzed etc. Bleh.

There are no reasons, I have a fabulous boyfriend (but maybe I give him too much importance in my happiness?), the weather is so good it’s decadent. I have pleasant week-ends spent on bikes and I went to the beach and swam and suntanned. I have friends and a social life and a family. I have invitations. There are no reasons to feel uneasy but it’s there.

Even my job I cannot blame. I can say though that I don’t move, and I have to resolve that chop chop. I have succeeded in drinking less than 2 cups of coffee a day, I guess that’s good, but the other 2 things I wanted to do, which is to report here and to do 10 min. of exercise everyday fell through. And I really feel like crap about that.

I have nuisance things that I can get rid of bit by bit. And I gotta move more. Essentially, that’s it. I will start with my place.

Amourx.

All about beau

I would like to add a ranting bit, but it’s not the point. I am extremely edgy this week. Mostly due to work. It’s not working, I just figured out. This after firing and hiring. I don’t like to do this. I have remorse. I wish for a simple life.

Good things:

My beau beau beau beau beau

Hiring I guess

The house, the quiet

Drank only 2 cups, reported it

The weather

The coming week-end

The busy bees

Can I say that tomorrow is just one more day

And that I can have all the love

In the world

And see my beau

And be merry

and happy

love love love

Amourx.

Blooming

Good things:

The damp weather with smells that made me feel that I was on a trip. Brought memories of Turkey or traveling generally.

Riding my bike

Cash coming to me, from friends once on a trip with me

Gathered all my papers for taxes! <-- this is huge

Really literally, I have the cutest boyfriend ever to be seen in a bed or elsewhere

Spending the night in his arms

Worked damn hard

Hired someone!

Drank two cups of coffee only today, had green tea in the pm

In truth I have a lot going for me, but I still worry. Work is the biggest thing, but I think that I can manage it between work hours. Its should resolve soon.

I have minor personal worries, I can’t say much here, but I note them and will address them slowly.

I find that what weights on me are things that slip into time and never get done. That’s why I deserve a round of applause about my taxes! They are not done yet, but the yucky part is.

Fitness wise I’m not doing everything completely according to plan. I’m cutting me some slack cause I have a busy work life and a blooming love life. I will get there, I have faith.

Tonight I rest after a good days work. Tomorrow I will exercise. At night I will see my beau, cook for him I think. I count my blessings everyday (and if I forget, I mean to).

Amourx.

In the Eye, all is good

Good things:

The weather oh my god! Seeing the trees full of new leaves, the blue sky, the light, pleasant wind, the full warm sun all day, the days getting longer. Oh my god indeed, it was so pleasant.

Seeing my mom, and making a date with my grandparents in two weeks.

The evening out with beau oh my god again, as pleasant as the day is.

The delicious simple foods tonight

The quiet

Drinking no more than 2 cups of coffee

the Darjeeling tea and the petit fours medley

Driving

Staying calm in the eye of the storm

Amourx.

Break

I am enjoying the quiet of the evening. The days have been intense.

Good things:

The quiet

Doing the hard work

The nosh after work

The chat with colleagues

The chat with my girlfriend, plans for tomorrow

The chat with beau, my love always

The busy bees

The resting now

Had only 2 coffees

Reporting it here

Called my mom

Amourx.

Impromptue

Ok se soir ce que j’ai fait de bon et de pas bon:

Pris une photo de mes seins de proche, sur mon iphone
Rien a déclaré, ils sont gros et oblong
Mais tout les normaux que j’ai vu sont comme ça
On ne voit pas beaucoup de normaux en passant, il faut chercher
Quand j’ai voulu prendre mon visage avec, valait vraiment mieux pas cliquer.
J’ai pas cliquer
Mon iphone ne me rendrait pas justice.

Good thing of today:
Seulement deux café today olé!
Have been very ethical at work
Have worked an honest day
Impromptu Gala - would have been even better had we won. And we were led to believe that we won. Sat with the client not winning. That part was drab but for me it was all impromptu with dinner and drinks so it was ok. I have to give me kudos for representing and being there!
Good photo of me in the gala - props!
Socializing etc.

There was no 10 min. of exercise, there will be tomorrow
My other objectives are met
I can rest and sleep and be merry.

Amourx.

Resourcefulness

Underneath this happiness there is a sad one deep down, stressed by all the changes. I need to be extra good to myself and steer clear of the abuses. I feel tremendously guilty for not being on time on things and about my fitness. Something isn’t right and so I have to keep a focus on the good things.

Good things today:
Very delicious soup made of four ingredients: canned beans, potato, broth and onion. I love coming up with delicious from nothing.

As a side note, maybe my focus should be resourcefulness in all things. Making a lot from a little.

Other good things:
Talk with my colleagues at lunch, even if I admit feeling off, tired
Not drinking after work
Only drinking two cups of coffee all day
Cleaning my whole entire desk surface!!! Piles of papers in the dustbin! Loving this.
Busy bees at work making things run well
The quiet tonight
Beau’s calling and the fact that he cleaned my place a bit yesterday!

Things that are a bit massive:
Baby talk.

Amourx.

Safety

Again a lot of action in life, more than I can keep track of. When I get a lot of action, I need a lot of sleep. This week I am slowly becoming less busy at work, and that makes me worry. It’s my nature, that when I am not submerged, I worry about my role. Being busy pulls me in. I should be brave enough to take it. Take the slowness and just be normal.

At home, well, I had lost track of most good habits. I write here because I want them back. There has been a lovely trip to distract me. A lovely relationship to keep on surprising me. Drinking and eating much to much. Cleaning done for appearances and then that.

I don’t want to beat myself up. It’s too easy to do that. I want to ground me. Relax. Ride my bike while I can’t walk. Do one little habit at a time. Eat lovely meals.

The fact is that it’s hard to be taken by a wave at work, or what feels like it, then to adjust back when it gets normal. I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel guilty about bills and taxes. But I have been to the dentist, the generalist, and tomorrow to get my breast exam!

I think that the best habit would be to write the good things. Here goes:

-eating, walking and cuddling with beau for lunch

-the beautiful summer days

-biking for HOURS in the week-end

-taking the time off with no plans in the week-end

-be willing to listen and calm down tonight

-the quiet

-the busy bees

-the movie last night -- the iron lady

-my girlfriends life, on Facebook

-love and all that

-a safe, comfortable home

-overal health

-Happiness -- who would have thought!

I will try to have respite in my day life, slowly and quietly, keep a place for safety alone. It might be here.

Amourxxx.