I am here to say, to wish, that...
To say, to wish, to blurt out. To calm together.
Right now.
Amourx.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The Hours
How do I stay sane -- that is the question. That should be the first question I ask every morning.
It's Sunday, it's work week -1. The best and most important thing that I have to do to stay sane is to have a life outside work (and the hours too). I've done really good this week-end. I've:
-learned to sew a pretty bag (at a sewing lounge, in a class, and I brought my sister. This wasn't just me with myself, so I get extra points).
-discovered a beautiful beach only 20 minutes from my home! I'm not telling! But oh my my that was time well spent with copain yesterday.
-went to see a stand-up comic show - top performance in the chic TNM. I laughed out loud en masse. The humorist is André Sauvé - highly recommended.
-Had a chinese puffed pastry, picked up for a dollarin chinatown after the show
-wrote an email for work (damn! this does not belong in the list)
- Hung my mirror over the dresser-- lovely (but perhaps a bit to low).
And it's only 2pm so I can take a break now. I am still SUPER anxious about next week because there is a presentation that I will give to 30 people. No big deal, I will be fronted and followed by the president so I believe that I am well setup. I'm having a hard time fitting everything else in the week thought - so I will have to put some more work into my week-end. Not so fun eh? I think that I will go on a wifi-ed terrasse to do that.
Right now I'm drinking questionable beer. I never like Unibroue's Ephemere beer, but they always stick them in the boxes when there is a 'mixed selection' promo. So I'm drinking the apple beer... yeah. I had hoped that I would have the blackcurrent ones at least, but looks like not. My favorite of all times beer is Unibroue's Trois-Pistoles (I like 'em strong and tasty) (I was inclined to follow that by: like my men).
Next? I'm reading a very resourceful web site about stress management (about time say you? yeah). If you're interested, it's www.mindools.com. I'm reading it ALL, so I'm sure to be better equipped against the beast.
The other things that I really want to do are start a professional blog, write fiction, and spend more hours doing crafts and cooking. I don't have the hours right now, but if I keep spelling it out, maybe it will happen.
Amourx.
It's Sunday, it's work week -1. The best and most important thing that I have to do to stay sane is to have a life outside work (and the hours too). I've done really good this week-end. I've:
-learned to sew a pretty bag (at a sewing lounge, in a class, and I brought my sister. This wasn't just me with myself, so I get extra points).
-discovered a beautiful beach only 20 minutes from my home! I'm not telling! But oh my my that was time well spent with copain yesterday.
-went to see a stand-up comic show - top performance in the chic TNM. I laughed out loud en masse. The humorist is André Sauvé - highly recommended.
-Had a chinese puffed pastry, picked up for a dollarin chinatown after the show
-wrote an email for work (damn! this does not belong in the list)
- Hung my mirror over the dresser-- lovely (but perhaps a bit to low).
And it's only 2pm so I can take a break now. I am still SUPER anxious about next week because there is a presentation that I will give to 30 people. No big deal, I will be fronted and followed by the president so I believe that I am well setup. I'm having a hard time fitting everything else in the week thought - so I will have to put some more work into my week-end. Not so fun eh? I think that I will go on a wifi-ed terrasse to do that.
Right now I'm drinking questionable beer. I never like Unibroue's Ephemere beer, but they always stick them in the boxes when there is a 'mixed selection' promo. So I'm drinking the apple beer... yeah. I had hoped that I would have the blackcurrent ones at least, but looks like not. My favorite of all times beer is Unibroue's Trois-Pistoles (I like 'em strong and tasty) (I was inclined to follow that by: like my men).
Next? I'm reading a very resourceful web site about stress management (about time say you? yeah). If you're interested, it's www.mindools.com. I'm reading it ALL, so I'm sure to be better equipped against the beast.
The other things that I really want to do are start a professional blog, write fiction, and spend more hours doing crafts and cooking. I don't have the hours right now, but if I keep spelling it out, maybe it will happen.
Amourx.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Walk the Plank
I really want to start working on a workpress blog design. I want to start a more consistent, professional blog (and keep this one - it's my exutoir). I don't have the subject yet. There are so many things that I like to write about. But i think that I will enjoy spending the hours aligning pixels and choosing layouts and colors, re-learning to code. It will be a pleasure to make something that I usually only plan and oversee.
Meanwhile in the DRB... My strings are pulled in two direction. On one side, it feels like I am standing on the plank that's tied to the eject button. My sister told me today what the dynamic sounded like and I have to pause to think about it. Why yes, she may be right. On the other side, someone wants to make me his squire. I wished that there was a healthy, respectful dialogue going on -- but it's more likely that my cards will be dealt for me. It's the DRB.
Hence the blogging and the sewing and the knitting, and even the cleaning. Things I love to do that make me feel good (the cleaning part is a bit of a paradox if you know me at all, but it still belongs here). Yesterday I went to a couture atelier and I made my very first bag. It's really perty. I was tired as heck going there straight from a big work week and learning to make the bag and making it 'till 10 o'clock without having had dinner. But the moment you have the completed bag in your hand, you just feel happy and all that goes away.
So today, some relaxing. Lots of relaxing. And doing the things that I love.
Amourx.
Meanwhile in the DRB... My strings are pulled in two direction. On one side, it feels like I am standing on the plank that's tied to the eject button. My sister told me today what the dynamic sounded like and I have to pause to think about it. Why yes, she may be right. On the other side, someone wants to make me his squire. I wished that there was a healthy, respectful dialogue going on -- but it's more likely that my cards will be dealt for me. It's the DRB.
Hence the blogging and the sewing and the knitting, and even the cleaning. Things I love to do that make me feel good (the cleaning part is a bit of a paradox if you know me at all, but it still belongs here). Yesterday I went to a couture atelier and I made my very first bag. It's really perty. I was tired as heck going there straight from a big work week and learning to make the bag and making it 'till 10 o'clock without having had dinner. But the moment you have the completed bag in your hand, you just feel happy and all that goes away.
So today, some relaxing. Lots of relaxing. And doing the things that I love.
Amourx.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Good day to all
And to all a good, calm day, where no one loses his or her mind, where all the people are happy and light.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Luk
I'm making some progress, if ever so subtle. I don't know if I have the ability, right now, to change something.
You see, there is a barrel. Everyone has them. You can see them or not, but at some point you may find yourself at the bottom of one and then you know what I mean. I've been there, you probably have too, and if you're still here, you may have crawled out of it and are not looking back.
I am not at the bottom of a barrel, I am on the edge. I'm quite certain that I have been motorcycling around its inner hem in a circle for the last... two-three years, going up and down in spirals, in some kind of dynamic equilibrium that keeps me from hitting the bottom. Well, I'm still there spinning around, making some fancy jumps here and there when I have too, but man, I am tired and running out of gas.
I've asked my friend So how to get my out of there. If the life has a lot of tolerability, and the lady has gigantical endurance and tolerance capabilities, well, it can go on forever! A scary concept!
There comes the usefulness of the proverbial barrel. If nothing gets you up and out of it, then hitting the bottom will be effective in ending the tireless rotational repetitions.
I don't wish it upon myself. I would much rather take a deep breath and lift up and out and land somewhere unknown, outside.
But I'm a wuss.
I guess that the takeaway here is, if you ever hear a big thumping, smashing noise one day coming from this vicinity, smile. In or out of the barrel, it means I got out of the infernal cycle. Wish me luk
Amourx.
You see, there is a barrel. Everyone has them. You can see them or not, but at some point you may find yourself at the bottom of one and then you know what I mean. I've been there, you probably have too, and if you're still here, you may have crawled out of it and are not looking back.
I am not at the bottom of a barrel, I am on the edge. I'm quite certain that I have been motorcycling around its inner hem in a circle for the last... two-three years, going up and down in spirals, in some kind of dynamic equilibrium that keeps me from hitting the bottom. Well, I'm still there spinning around, making some fancy jumps here and there when I have too, but man, I am tired and running out of gas.
I've asked my friend So how to get my out of there. If the life has a lot of tolerability, and the lady has gigantical endurance and tolerance capabilities, well, it can go on forever! A scary concept!
There comes the usefulness of the proverbial barrel. If nothing gets you up and out of it, then hitting the bottom will be effective in ending the tireless rotational repetitions.
I don't wish it upon myself. I would much rather take a deep breath and lift up and out and land somewhere unknown, outside.
But I'm a wuss.
I guess that the takeaway here is, if you ever hear a big thumping, smashing noise one day coming from this vicinity, smile. In or out of the barrel, it means I got out of the infernal cycle. Wish me luk
Amourx.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
True Blood
L'humeur ne s'améliore pas et il faut dire que les deux canaux principaux contribue toujours à l'exacerber. Je suis même enfermée dans ma jolie chambre pour en faire un point. Que ce passe-t-il?
Il y a peut-être un peu de bio ou d'hormonal qui est en cause; l'arrêt des pilules, quelconque pms saisonnier.
Mais je pense, je pense, que... Je pense que c'est un peu, beaucoup, la soumission à l'ordre des choses. Je pense que mon environnement m'étouffe à petit feu. Et là je fait exprès de ne pas être plus précise, mais c'est deux choses plutôt qu'une.
Et peut-être que je n'ai pas le choix, en tout ou en partie, de subir cet étouffement. Je ne suis pas dans un mode survie, il y a pire. Et c'est bien là la difficulté de la chose, la haute tolérabilité de la situation. Quoique mes gonds se relâchent lestement. À quand le grand chari-vari?
Et wish me well.
Pour y remédier, les good things:
-True blood
-cold beer
-lunch et repos au canal
-calme des ressources autrefois belliqueuses
-belles technos c'est l'époque
-paquet tricot reçu, superbe laine pour copain
-paquet amazon attendu demain (il y a un pattern, vous comprendrez)
-frigo plein de bonnes choses
-maison que j'aime et confort
Amourx.
Il y a peut-être un peu de bio ou d'hormonal qui est en cause; l'arrêt des pilules, quelconque pms saisonnier.
Mais je pense, je pense, que... Je pense que c'est un peu, beaucoup, la soumission à l'ordre des choses. Je pense que mon environnement m'étouffe à petit feu. Et là je fait exprès de ne pas être plus précise, mais c'est deux choses plutôt qu'une.
Et peut-être que je n'ai pas le choix, en tout ou en partie, de subir cet étouffement. Je ne suis pas dans un mode survie, il y a pire. Et c'est bien là la difficulté de la chose, la haute tolérabilité de la situation. Quoique mes gonds se relâchent lestement. À quand le grand chari-vari?
Et wish me well.
Pour y remédier, les good things:
-True blood
-cold beer
-lunch et repos au canal
-calme des ressources autrefois belliqueuses
-belles technos c'est l'époque
-paquet tricot reçu, superbe laine pour copain
-paquet amazon attendu demain (il y a un pattern, vous comprendrez)
-frigo plein de bonnes choses
-maison que j'aime et confort
Amourx.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
RUN!
Je suis tellement irritée que je considère les mesures extrêmes. Je viens d'annuler un abonnement car leur support est un peu défectueux et me laisse sans réponse. Je n'aurais pas du - c'est un move de fille en colère.
Why? Must I say it? I have to get out of here.
En gros, c'est la DRB et l'autre. Je me sens lavée par l'un et par l'autre. Je crois que je vais prendre un break. Everything stops while I relax.
Je me sens pas top top physiquement non plus. Trop d'alcool hier? Je sais pas.
Je dois faire un meeting de condo et ce soir une sortie de fête et mon **** de copain m'a laisser tomber hier pour le cadeau. Mon **** a beaucoup, beaucoup de lacunes.
Quand je commence à me parler toutes seule parce que la colère veut sortir de moi, c'est un signal.
Good things:
Soirée avec deux celibs qui racontent leurs aléas - on aime.
Chambre à coucher ré-emménagée avec nouvelle vanité - wow!
La canicule, et sont explosion en orage bien attendu hier
L'air qui circule maintenant
Mon condo
Ma tête
Mon coeur
Amourx.
(copain m'appèle entre temps - il a été retourné.)
Why? Must I say it? I have to get out of here.
En gros, c'est la DRB et l'autre. Je me sens lavée par l'un et par l'autre. Je crois que je vais prendre un break. Everything stops while I relax.
Je me sens pas top top physiquement non plus. Trop d'alcool hier? Je sais pas.
Je dois faire un meeting de condo et ce soir une sortie de fête et mon **** de copain m'a laisser tomber hier pour le cadeau. Mon **** a beaucoup, beaucoup de lacunes.
Quand je commence à me parler toutes seule parce que la colère veut sortir de moi, c'est un signal.
Good things:
Soirée avec deux celibs qui racontent leurs aléas - on aime.
Chambre à coucher ré-emménagée avec nouvelle vanité - wow!
La canicule, et sont explosion en orage bien attendu hier
L'air qui circule maintenant
Mon condo
Ma tête
Mon coeur
Amourx.
(copain m'appèle entre temps - il a été retourné.)
Thursday, July 8, 2010
But the Truth is
I'm Fucking mad as hell and want to torpido thru various people. I won't articulate it. I'm too angry tonight. :-(
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Chaînes
Juste pour dire, j'écris quelque petites choses pour pas oublier qui je suis. C'est incroyable comment je n'ai pas de filtre, comment certaines personnes me pénètrent sans le savoir. C'est peut-être réciproque? En tout cas dans les faits je me sens marchée dessus et j'aime pas ça.
Je sais que mon air de rien laisse entendre que je suis un tapis. Mais... j'en suis pas. Je suis beaucoup plus discrète et lente à m'exprimer que d'autre. J'ai appris à être silencieuse et j'aime bien avoir la bonne écoute quand je vais dire quelque chose.
J'ai fait un truc pour ma soeur, une housse à iphone. Je ne sais pas si mon choix de laine est judicieux - c'est un peu gros. Mais c'est peut-être le mauvais point ou juste la finition qui pourrait faire la bonne différence. C'est toujours comme ça au début, la relation avec un objet qu'on a créer. Petit rejet post-partum.
Quand je fait des petite choses manuelles, je me raconte toujours des histoires, comme si les objets était animés. Tous les maillons des chaines qui un a un forment un tissus flexible et extensible... C'est comme la goutte et la mer, vous voyez. Je suis habitée d'histoires qui sortent de moi sans cesse. Et il faudrait peut-être que j'arrête de laisser les autres me définir pour laisser courir mes histoires.
J'ai un choix à faire.
Amourx.
Je sais que mon air de rien laisse entendre que je suis un tapis. Mais... j'en suis pas. Je suis beaucoup plus discrète et lente à m'exprimer que d'autre. J'ai appris à être silencieuse et j'aime bien avoir la bonne écoute quand je vais dire quelque chose.
J'ai fait un truc pour ma soeur, une housse à iphone. Je ne sais pas si mon choix de laine est judicieux - c'est un peu gros. Mais c'est peut-être le mauvais point ou juste la finition qui pourrait faire la bonne différence. C'est toujours comme ça au début, la relation avec un objet qu'on a créer. Petit rejet post-partum.
Quand je fait des petite choses manuelles, je me raconte toujours des histoires, comme si les objets était animés. Tous les maillons des chaines qui un a un forment un tissus flexible et extensible... C'est comme la goutte et la mer, vous voyez. Je suis habitée d'histoires qui sortent de moi sans cesse. Et il faudrait peut-être que j'arrête de laisser les autres me définir pour laisser courir mes histoires.
J'ai un choix à faire.
Amourx.
Monday, July 5, 2010
To Chill
Good things of today
The heatwave, in a subversive sort of way
The foam roller and what I did to it
The very good, long, night of sleep
The laughter that comes from time to time
I'm being deliberately generic because the two most biggest thing that my life sort of revolves around are majorly disappointing and turning me into a mess of poo. Not worth their keystrokes.
More fun things-or maybe not. A thin man with longish grey hair reminded me of my dad so much that I had to turn around and look once I passed him on my bike this morning. It wasn't him (that was humour, my dad died a long time ago).
Had lunch by the water before 11 but then worked all the way thru noon and then some. No gain there.
A DJ Vadim tune in the morning. Good dub reggae continuation to my calypso week-end.
2 beers at night and figuring out that I'm deadbeat because of the heatwave. The only defence I have against a heatwave is to chill.
Feeling very proud that I can tolerate the heat without air conditioning. A little less proud that no one else would spend more than an hour in my house. Cause the people, they get conditioned too. We are very few in the resistance.
I would go all emo about my life but I can't spare it. I can't even think straight right now. The best idea may be a third beer, I dunno.
Still there is one word that I will never ever ever forget.
Amourx
The heatwave, in a subversive sort of way
The foam roller and what I did to it
The very good, long, night of sleep
The laughter that comes from time to time
I'm being deliberately generic because the two most biggest thing that my life sort of revolves around are majorly disappointing and turning me into a mess of poo. Not worth their keystrokes.
More fun things-or maybe not. A thin man with longish grey hair reminded me of my dad so much that I had to turn around and look once I passed him on my bike this morning. It wasn't him (that was humour, my dad died a long time ago).
Had lunch by the water before 11 but then worked all the way thru noon and then some. No gain there.
A DJ Vadim tune in the morning. Good dub reggae continuation to my calypso week-end.
2 beers at night and figuring out that I'm deadbeat because of the heatwave. The only defence I have against a heatwave is to chill.
Feeling very proud that I can tolerate the heat without air conditioning. A little less proud that no one else would spend more than an hour in my house. Cause the people, they get conditioned too. We are very few in the resistance.
I would go all emo about my life but I can't spare it. I can't even think straight right now. The best idea may be a third beer, I dunno.
Still there is one word that I will never ever ever forget.
Amourx
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Rum and Coca-Cola
Pour balancer les choses, je dois dire qu'en se 4ième jour de vacances d'été-canicule, je jouis. Les activités s'enchaînent naturellement entre des pas de danse calypso bien sentis (enfin, ma version de pas de danse calypso. Pensez Snoopy quand il est content).
Il y a 2 semaines, muni d'un gros chèque que j'ai enfin reçu de la part de la ville de Montréal (subvention pour l'achat de propriété neuve, oui oui), je suis allée faire un... hum hum... petit tour chez Ikea. Depuis se temps j'emménage, je lave et je décors. J'ai eu un immense plaisir à décrasser ma salle de bain - je suis simple - et je suis hautement fière d'avoir non seulement percé les premiers trous dans mes murs et d'avoir enfin un porte-serviettes en règle, mais aussi, j'ai installé deux larges tablettes murales qui tiennent tout seule sur le mur (je devais le re-préciser pour l'emphase) et je dois dire que c'est droit. C'est hautement droit, aligné et justement espacé. C'est 'analy-retentivement' droit. Je ne suis pas juste un peu fière.
Petits pas calypso. J'ai invité qui voulait venir et sa progéniture à une magnifique journée à la plage, direction Yamaska. J'ai un pique-nique à préparer. Petits pas calypso.
Amourx.
Il y a 2 semaines, muni d'un gros chèque que j'ai enfin reçu de la part de la ville de Montréal (subvention pour l'achat de propriété neuve, oui oui), je suis allée faire un... hum hum... petit tour chez Ikea. Depuis se temps j'emménage, je lave et je décors. J'ai eu un immense plaisir à décrasser ma salle de bain - je suis simple - et je suis hautement fière d'avoir non seulement percé les premiers trous dans mes murs et d'avoir enfin un porte-serviettes en règle, mais aussi, j'ai installé deux larges tablettes murales qui tiennent tout seule sur le mur (je devais le re-préciser pour l'emphase) et je dois dire que c'est droit. C'est hautement droit, aligné et justement espacé. C'est 'analy-retentivement' droit. Je ne suis pas juste un peu fière.
Petits pas calypso. J'ai invité qui voulait venir et sa progéniture à une magnifique journée à la plage, direction Yamaska. J'ai un pique-nique à préparer. Petits pas calypso.
Amourx.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Weathercock Fools
I'm going down to this sad little place, something in me that's crying out, madly desperate and sad. Overall I'm doing swimmingly fine. I've been off pills long enough that i've stopped feeling nauseous. I'm always in the sun when I can, and I'm taking real good care of me. That's not to say that things are all picture perfect. I know that I hurt copain last night - it hurts me too. It has to be. And in that respect it will not get easier.
I told the story again of the infamous work vaudeville that happened in May. Every time I tell it, it bites off a piece of me. Weathercock fools did that to me. Hopefully dogs will eat dogs.
I think that's where the sad part comes from. Also, I'm going through changes, I think. Like I grew 10 years older in 2, which is not nearly as bad as it sounds. Now reaching out to the real deal, seeing 40 around the corner (but not quite yet). HAPPY about it. I said it when I was five and I'm saying it today: I'm fine, thank you.
A general fuck you though, to all the people that have tried to step over me and told me what I was (not). Fuck you.
For the rest of us,
Amourx.
I told the story again of the infamous work vaudeville that happened in May. Every time I tell it, it bites off a piece of me. Weathercock fools did that to me. Hopefully dogs will eat dogs.
I think that's where the sad part comes from. Also, I'm going through changes, I think. Like I grew 10 years older in 2, which is not nearly as bad as it sounds. Now reaching out to the real deal, seeing 40 around the corner (but not quite yet). HAPPY about it. I said it when I was five and I'm saying it today: I'm fine, thank you.
A general fuck you though, to all the people that have tried to step over me and told me what I was (not). Fuck you.
For the rest of us,
Amourx.
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