Silent Mission

I held my momentum yesterday, and I must of done about 2 hours of home cleaning, if you count fetching the groceries as home cleaning. It's not my entire house, but it's a start. My white Ikea couch has been vacuumed. This is a noticeable, Aaaah, improvement.

I told you, I get tired very quickly these days, that's why I let myself stop. I pursued knitting my orgasmic wool sweater. In about 7 rows I will be finished the back panel, and I'll be able to model it in front of the mirror, to see what it's like on me. Exciting.

Today I will do more cleaning, because it is now my silent mission that I can do without thinking, like knitting. Shouldn't I be Planning a trip? Replace that by: Writing?, Setting up my new business?, Exercising?, Working on my relationships?, Deciding what to do for new year? Note that all these actions are projects in themselves that need planning, implementation and execution. I must do none of the above, for cleaning is the basis of all good things. Everything starts with a clean slate, therefore I must clean -- no question about it.

I quite like the no thinking approach. At some point I'll get a cleaner, but that's for later, when I will be able to think.

***************

A group of dark knights galloping, charging towards me with their flagpole lifted, ready to raid... me. That's next week with a little bit of exaggeration. Stress, you know. I'm reading the Pillars of Earth book - it's a beautiful, transformative read. After this series, the writer would not be able to write anymore because everything else would be boring. He so masters the era, the characters, the rhythm. I am sucked in and will not come out the same. It makes me think...

Sure we have our challenges, but we are not periodically raided by civil war earls and knights, our town burned, the women raped, the babies thrown in the air, men, women and kids killed at random. Our lives don't really depend on our ability to earn a living, we can't starve to death, we don't have to provide for ourselves in the forest, we don't have to build our own house, we don't have to let our babies die because we can't provide for them, we don't have to bathe only twice a year, we don't have to wash our own clothes in the river... And chances are, if we are born in a certain class, we will stay in it without any effort.

Sooo what do I have to complain about? My life is easy and poses no challenge by comparison. Go figure. A couple theories: some traumas of childhood have plagued me physiologically, hence the persisting depressions, isolations, etc. I think that if I didn't work hard at fixing this, and if I didn't know that I had to fix it, then I would have a very different life today. And I have no idea if it would be better or worse.

But, these kids in medieval times dealt with multiple traumas early on. Seeing your mom beheaded, for example, or your neighbors burn to death, or having both your parents killed in front of you. These kids didn't spend their time trying to understand their psychological problems. I think that they just moved on, trying to survive.

That's it - we don't need to try to survive. We live, and are rarely near death, and dying for lack of food, shelter or water is even rarer. So we have time to reflect. Is reflection the cause of depression? Maybe, but I don't think that it can be helped.

You see why I like the no thinking rule ;)

Amourx.

Preamble

I don't know why I want to sew so much. I have to tell you that often, when I get an inspiration on doing something that I would like, I quickly turn it into a life changing course. I will design my clothes, sell my patterns, hire seamstresses, open a little atelier, invent new textiles with beautiful patterns. I have the name for my line, and I know the quality and the style that I will create.

I have only sewed one button in the last 5 years, but never mind. If I can construct something as complex as a beautiful web application, where 'beautiful' is a hard to achieve, and often left behind goal, I can build beautiful clothes. I don't doubt it.

This change-your-life syndrome is not unique to me. My sister Valérie has it too. When they buried my father, she wanted to work in a funeral home. She saw that she would know what to do there. Now she builds tools for autistic kids; it's her passion and she's doing it well. Both of us have had a gazillion real and dreamed career-change plans, and our years of preparing for a career are a maze. No need to find where it all leads too, we don't know.

Anyhoo, if I want to do this, no doubt I need to start by clearing out my home. My house needs to be dust free to keep the fabrics clean, and I need to clear-out some space for my sewing and knitting machines, as well as for my loom, my dress shape.. do you see where I'm going? I don't see ANY boredom in this field, and I know that I must be my own boss in the long run.

I am carefully leaving costs out of the discourse, because when you start counting money and years, dreams tend to wither away and become ghosts. I have so many ghosts already... Did somebody say writing? That's not a ghost, it's still a baby that I'm carrying along everywhere I go.

This preamble explains why I will clean my house today. I needed a powerful inspiration; I found it.

Amourx

Kids

Stopping to catch myself. This morning I only wanted to be alone for a while. I think that I am sick. I always want to lie down. I have very little energy. And, it's not happy happy with my beau all the time.

I had a lovely Christmas dinner with my family. Textbook. Skates, Rock Band, toys, books, tourtières, turkey, bûche, the usual crew + 1. There was not one thing wrong with this Christmas dinner. I enjoyed it and enjoyed picking the gifts and seeing everyone open them, specially the wide-eyed kids. I had a moment when I realized that I was lucky, that I had all that. A family is wealth, however satellite I may be.

I guess that I have been home sick. I won't waist these holidays with dark moods, no. I am quite neutral inside. I'm not a the top of my form on the outside, what can i do. I'm patient and forgiving with that.

Amourx.

Sparkle

Hey there. I'm feeling more and more christmassy, like a warm, oumphy, snow-sparkled wave inside. On the outside... I'm unwashed, unraveled (well my stuff is, all over the place) and unprepared (There is still the 24th to shop). Not that I have much to prepare. I'm a minimalist.

And, big news here, I am tired and sleeping most of the time, when I'm not working. Granted I have partied and specially drank more than my old limbs would like for the past month. Got it. Looking forward to 10 days of holiday, 10 days with no work! Ho ho ho!

I still have big plans for 2010. Ok they are a bit fuzzy right now, but I hope that they sharpen up in the new year. Escargot style.

I woke up 2 hours early but will manage to arrive late... Lets do it.

Amourx.

180

I should not be writing here, but I am. I planned to be at work at 6am, that's in 20 minutes, to catch-up, because last night after 6 I signed off and crashed on the couch before the movie ended. Eastbound jetlag.

It's crunch time as well, but as you may know, I'm not very work focused (which means that I may not do 150%, maybe I'll just do 110 or something like that - and I'll feel guilty about that).

Remember when I re-started this blog? I wanted to measure everything, my mood, my surroundings, my health... Now I'm thinking that what I should pay attention to is my self esteem. When I start thinking that I'm a lowly, thickish, stupider, slow, inept person (does Europe do that to you too?), never mind what I look like, that might be a sign. I'm here now.

On the upside, I tried to summarize what it is that I want in my life yesterday, before I go all 180 degrees again. Usually it's always health, friends, beauty, great lover, great work etc...
My priorities are always Health, Social (and I don't do a great job at that), and I forget what's third.

This time, it was all like: Time to sew (I don't even sew yet, I knit, but the sewing is coming), lover, writing, friends, taking care of someone in need, time to enjoy all that.

I have matured.

I'm happy to be back. I love my home, my winter, my bf in my bed.

Amourx.

Orgasmic Cocoon

Je suis ajustée. J'ai trouvé un manteau parfait en laine avec juste assez de cashmire, juste assez long, juste assez seyant. Une petite robe aussi pour hier. Ça me rend bien. Tout ça chez Sissy Boy sur Utrechtstraat. J'y retournerai - ils vendent aussi des boîtes de crayons contés!

Décidément chaque soir est une occasion de boire et festoyer. Je suis un peu marinée.

C'est difficile d'être seule dans un autre pays et d'essayer d'être soi. Tous les repairs sont manquant, et il faut se fier à son intérieur. Et je ne suis pas festoyante normalement. Pas beaucoup. Mais ici, il faut faire comme à Rome.

Tout à l'heure je vais acheter de la laine - je veux dire des aiguilles, pour tricoter mon chandail (j'allais dire pull). La laine Rowan Cocoon... je ne savais pas que ça pouvais être orgasmique. Elle est mortellement douce et enveloppante. Qu'est-ce que ça sera de la porter?

Ensuite je rencontre le client à la magnifique bibliothèque d'amsterdam. Avant j'emmène mon lavage à la buanderette.

Je suis quasi bien. Je sais que ça ne va pas chez moi, même si on m'aime.

J'aimerais prendre congé pendant 3 mois, sans paie. Ensuite, je viendrais peut-être ici, qui sait. Il ne faut pas être malheureuse trop longtemps. Tant que j'aurai un lave-vaisselle.

Amourx.

Big girl

It's hard to put my head straight and know what to do, but I am having a good time. There has been a lot of partys, free drinks occasions that turned into liquid dinners twice! In the day I am a bit dazed, because my body knows that I should be sleeping at that time.

I possibly need to go back to my specialist, even if he's not but he's good enough, to make decisions. But first I need a break. I need to take of those pounds off and rest. Honestly, people keep accidently brushing against my boobs. I'm not happy. They are like menacing projectiles.

I think that stopping the night pill I was taking has cut back my appetite substantially. I hope I'm not mistaken, because I don't like being a big girl :(.

My beau is having a nightmare time in new-york and I can imagine how it is. I can't make it better for him. It's too bad. I do love him.

Probably I should cut down on drinks -- but I just got wheels and that is good for my body.

Did i say that the weather is sad & nasty rain all day, every day? Did I say that the shopping so far is good? That I'm ok, adjusting, adjusting, adjusting.

yeah, bleh, and all that. love.

Amourx.

Imperfection

I am Amsterdammed again. Same hotel room as last time, making myself cosy in it, adapting to the night of sleep that I lost on the way, that will only get back when I return.

This time it feels known, my little work/rest/socialise routine. I'm understanding a few things simply by being put in this context, about my Montreal life. And also that I thought I was pretty good and stable last time, but today I know that I was down still and that I am better now. Interesting no? Even if I still feel mildly down, but clearer.

I couldn't help doing some liquid social integration (after work drinks). That is making me somewhat wrinkled today. Tonight I'm resting and hoping to sleep thru it (and not lay awake as I've done the past 2 nights), and after, 3 social liquid nights in a row. I will be good?

I completely stopped the night meds that I took, that helped me sleep. The side effects are huge enough to prefer the sleepless nights. I realised this when taking a taxi from the airport did not turn my stomac! It used to be the norm. Didn't realise how taxing and frankly debilitating that was. I'm sticking with the day pills though, smaller dose.

Got some stress poking at me, what can I do? Take it easy and be healthy.I have to talk to a torn writer who got the wrong side of me, bleh. Torn, sensitive writers, I know this!

Passive-aggressivity, i'm learning this, seeing it a lot around me and in me too :-/.

I am Imperfect people, flawed. That's it.

Amourx.

Sun

It's not exactly as I planned. Training for ski season? Well it's Indian summer here, and bleak dark all the time. That's not an excuse, but, I'm not training that much and my health is semi poor and my mood is half down, half ok.

It's hard to be true, to get to that truth. I thought that I needed to cut off again; then I didn't. And I realized that I was ok with that. I can't handle a big cut; I wish that there won't be a big cut. I wish that I could keep flowing on my boat, and see the landscape change.

Then I thought that I could throw in some severe mix of trips to work in Ams and jump across the world. But tonight I know it's too much. Although I want to do a trip with my girlfriends, that, I really want even if someone will groan.

I thought I could keep house and I did, although just a bit. And my own food made me feel queezy once and I still ate it for 3 days.

My boss called me a boar the other day. Splendid atmosphere.

Need the sun, and not the pressure of a couple. Need the rest, and not the pressure of...

Now my house is barely kept. I keep buying things but I must say, my credit card will be down to zero in a month.

I keep to myself and people even notice. I probably do that to much, and maybe it's because I'm low. I'm always comfortable in a cosy bubble. I'm always too tired to engage. I can't even afford putting on a sociable front when I don't feel it. I just take off. I'm not mad, not sad. Angry, I'm sure. hmm

I cut down completely one of my pills :). I'm down to 1 at a lower dose. I'm not feeling for it. I wish it helps me get back to slimmer but maybe I made my time. Maybe I'm not so bad.

That's about the state of things. Going to AMS in a week, but I won't fly on a Friday. I wanted to go in the sun, too. Like to Greece or Spain but even better Indonesia. But it freaked out my bf and then, I can't deal with it. So, just going to Ams now, and in Ams, I shall see.

Amourx.

Foulard

Je m'ennuie bien de toi blog, et ce n'est pas parce que je cours que je t'ignore. C'est parce que je dors. Et je tricote! J'ai le foulard le plus divin qui soit, c'est mon nouveau dada. Un peu depress sinon. Novembre. Voyage sous peu, mais pas des vacances. Rien d'autre car peu d'energie. un peu depress, mais ça va.

Amourx.

Future Life Ripple

Girl is broken again - flat out on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I slept dreamless in the middle of the day, so deep. The rain is working with me, saying 'Aye woman, stay home'.

The root of my trouble is deep seated fear, almost unconscious. It explains the dark, bold stance that I take - the rebel, fearless youth me. But the predicament I don't control, i can't do anything about the uncertainties of my world, so I have to live with a deep seated, almost unconscious, fear.

Fatigue, body, life -- things I pay attention to now. I am taxed, but I am looking at the debt. I was too tired for yoga this Friday, I slept. But this week I did see people and enjoyed it very much in a relaxing, fun way, which makes me contented. I snapped in a yoga dvd this morning and did a routine.

Future life ripple. Let's see: there is still the writing project with an exclamation point due February. It's hard to see it with the little energy that I can master today. There is still the cross-country season training, happening at the pace of an escargot on an elliptical. I loved trying out the old fashion ski machine (and I have to work the hamstrings!).

There is still the economizing, but I tell you, i wish it would go down faster, the debt. I still love to throw huge chunks of money at it, but the bill is still high -- getting my expense account check will make a significant difference, my hotel bill in Ams is on it.

There is still the good housekeeping. Threading above water with stuff and dishes and clothes returning to their place after use. Love to cook and bring my lunch to work on occasions. Got the bench and the table propped up and they are a wonder in their place. Seeing other things waiting to be installed, all in time (and specially in energy). Not spending that much I think.

Oh and one big realization that my own 'mojo', my own animality, sensuality, fire... it's been bottled up real tight a good while back. I've been looking and it's not there. Not good. Something happened to it and I have to get back in touch. Gonna go back there and get it, wish me luck.

Better get well rested now.

Amourx.

Don de Dieu

C'est la bière que je bois tandis que je fais descendre les émotions du jours. Devrait pas m'affecter mais je serai toujours un vaisseau spongieux. La première chose c'est la fatigue, je pense, et le poids, je pense. Car je ne suis pas certaine. Je lis un livre sur la fatigue persistante, donc assurément j'en ai les symptômes. Spongieuse je suis.

En fait il y a beaucoup de choses devant la fatigue, le poids et les émotions du jour. Il y a le calme qui m'habite depuis que j'ai quelques fondations (mais pas d'empire). Le calme avec mon copain. Les amitiés qui me prennent telle quelle. Mon petit royaume, les visites, l'automne. Ça va assurément bien.

J'ai reçu quelques tirs de travers aujourd'hui - mais cette fois je sais quoi faire: rien. N'empêche que c'est blessant, l'hostilité qui se renifle à plein nez, personnelle. Pour si peu que j'ai du mal à comprendre, sauf que je dois faire tapisserie et surtout ne pas embêter personne. Bon, ça je sais faire. Mais j'irai pas représenter le peuple qui jappe avec ça.

Ensuite, c'est que, il y a bien d'autre chose devant ça. Je me répète mais je respire, étendue sur un matelas. Et je me remets à bouger lentement - le corps sera content. Et je voulais écrire, ça, ça n'est pas arriver cette semaine.

Euf... finalement, je ne me remonte pas vraiment. Je reviendrai, vais me détendre ailleurs.

amourx.

The Road

Ooooh lets see now. Stuff is happening in a small way, a very small invisible way. Like, I'm breathing every fortnight, lying on my mat or on my bed, figuring it out. Deceptively simple, and probably effective. I went to one yoga class, and it did me good. A slow yoga class for heavy old hollow bones with lots of wind (that wasn't in the class description). I was used to performance yoga before, hot yoga, power yoga -- I can sense the great Google algorithm starting to crunch on those terms as I type them, ready to spit them back out in my ad slot down left -- I had forgotten that yoga is way different when you don't try so hard. Deceptively simple.

Its a pay-as-you-can or want community class too. Bonus! I'm killing two birds with that one.

I returned to the gym today for a fitness test that I failed (I didn't get the parameters right, don't laugh). I'm cooking too -- good stuff. You may not want to hear about all that good housekeeping nonesense, but hey. It pays.

I've had friends over for dinner - first time in years. I told you this was deceptively simple. Yet... you see where I'm going; it's probably big. I cooked my first tenderloin on the spot in front of my hungry waiting friends, had a casserole explode on top of the range, salvaged the meat and cooked it to perfection - ha! America's got talent. The mustard sauce? I switched the cream for the yogurt and it worked beautifully. Double ha!

Reading about 5 books. Learning that feeling Powerless makes you act Forceful. And it can also make you act resigned. Learning that these feelings eat up on energy. Seeing that I am one tired soul. And I am here for the road.

Amourx.

Good Night

My Princes in Main,
My Kings of New England.

amourx

Grace of action

My body, how I feel thee. Dark evening Monday of October, days of the dead just around the corner, rebirth of moi, but thanks giving for the moment, or as I read today and highly prefer, Grace of Action day (from Action de Grâce, en français).

Coming here to talk about my body, my self, my fatigue. I have had a system shut down but I don't know when it started. I have lived lot of stressful change this year if I go by the books, no need to list them. Well, where am I today? Tired, and still.

Breathing while lying flat on my back is the exercise that I can do. I hope that it helps both in energy, and in unlocking tension and complexes. I am so indecisive, that I can't steer me at all. What energy it would take. So all that crap, I hope that the breathing helps. I'm sure it does.

I have a fat Buddha in my living room kitchen. I always thought that it was popular in the West because it symbolized wealth. In Thailand, you rarely see that Buddha anywhere, they are all lean and much more composed. I dig this jolly Buddha though. It came by a series of conjectures, from my dad's house. It's a natural with the big Ananas on it's side. Sorry but pineapples are a lot more fun in French. Ask any kid.

Money hasn't been an issue lately, ho-hum.

So let me explain my 'system shut-down'. It's been a long time since I really felt my body from the ground up. In the past couple months, I have stopped all physical conditioning completely, but this is not where it all began. It began before I signed up for the gym and did the programs, before I rode my bike into the new route, and before I tried dieting for a very short lived period. I have a hectic life, demanding work, and traveling that has taken complete priority -- but it started before that. In all honesty, I was mentally burned out last year at this time, and I never took the time off to recover.

No regrets! It explains why I'm an escargot today, that's all. It's good to know what the bottom looks like. I'm not going to join into a bootcamp exercise program anytime soon, but I'm getting my head wrapped around a plan for the cross-country ski season right now, ya man. Slow, and steady.

What's bugging me about this system-shut down: sex drive has never been so low EVER. Everything still working fine and beau still tagging along and all that, but it's not nearly acceptable. As if I weren't physical at all, the body turned into a soft comfy pillow to drag around with some effort (I am quite weak too at this point, just opening a heavy door throws me off balance). There is zero physical feeling inside, it's off limits. Breathing is helping I think, I know that the pills are partially responsible for the weight and the zoned-out cushy feeling inside, but there are other factors--it's more subtle and complex than that.

Also, I have aged so much this year... This body is old, squeaky bones, flabs, gravity, boobs heading towards the equator, loss of balance and bones that seem to be setting where there used to be joints. And volume. All this in a year, it's very taxing. Again it's easy to say that the pills are doing this, and I swear that they are, but stopping there doesn't get me anywhere.

My tailbone is wanting to stick out since I damaged it in the back of a Russian pick-up truck, in a 9 hour road trip in Laos. The inflammation has worsen now and sitting hurts, maybe it will come out into a tail.

So, still, as a usual general life update, I am still maintaining my home quite well. I cooked chunk roast and such. Have propped furniture up (well beau did), and now, I'm making a sports training plan. Ha.

And that my friends is why I am so quiet and still.

Amourx.

Echo

I like this sound of the train - a vibrating, pulling motion far away, roaring softly with some echo-y reverb. It's grounding (a running cloth dryer can have the same effect).

I am hoping for very simple mathematical things. Like a game show, or a sudoku. Something with all the answers entered neatly in a box. Oh I am not one very rational, orderly person. But today, the basic, elementary things are all I can handle. They are reassuring.

I need a major recharge.

Amourx.

Simple

J'ai descendu la coche, je suis, brûlée.

My True Best Friend

The dishwasher, surely. Oven-baked Bolenese sans spag tonight. Curried chicken mango salad yesterday. All. Good.

Amourx.

Btw I may well be Cyclo. May well be 'high', for as little as that entails in my case.

The Train

I am breaking in my new Apple keyboard; my fingers are having an orgasm, and I am pleased. This has definitely upped the writing experience to a new level of luxury and comfort -- you should try it. I don't know much about cars, but I know that Apple would be in the luxury car league, if they did cars. I'm glad that they're doing computers; much more essential than cars.

That being said I can update you on my lowly life: I am back in Montreal, loving it. I loved my Amsterdam stay too -- so all is good except the health. I have been sick for the last 2 weeks, a mix of traveling stress, lesser quality meals, biking in a t-shirt for too long, airplane dehydration, virulent viruses and such. I am still feeling weak or low energy, but have no pain. I am buzzed as if my medication was buzzing me, but I have cut my doses in half, so this remains unexplained. I sleep it off, and oh how I sleep this week-end.

Got lots of stuff on the table: boxes of furniture sitting in the living room ready to get assembled. Too tired. A couple of books; an odyssey of sorts, by our own hermit from Three Pistoles -- about a man whit 7 dogs and a sheep, quite like himself (in fact it's about James Joyce and Ireland and Quebec, but it's also about that). I just got another book on breathing, and one on understanding and taming fatigue. I'm keeping the breathing book as a lifeline for when I'll be down and depressed. The other one about fatigue, I'll read it when I'm less tired.

Furniture = a coffee table, two side tables and a wooden entrance bench (in which you can store stuff too). No interest for a year. Get 25$ rebate. Save 10%. I also found a lovely coffee/side table on the sidewalk. It's solid blond wood with a glass top, in good condition. I'll have to figure it out in my living room. That's my next thing to do. Set a place for tv watching and a place for exercising and breathing excercises. When I'm not so tired. I will make a mango chicken salad for tonight. 2.20$ for 4 chicken legs, well. I got a small cart with wheels to carry my groceries, it's fabric so you don't see what's in it, which is a good thing. I'd love to make apple pie -- that may be what I do today, depending on the tired gene.

Writing isn't too difficult though. Neither was cuddling with my beau this morning, and eating his famous French bread. Mmm three slices please. I never ask for the recipe cause it's his, and it's my special treat when I go to his place, which is far, far away and in the middle of Nothing.

I have 3 DVDs too, althought I'm not sure them shows will all be good. I was disappointed with the ninth episode of Carnival, season 1. Ho hum.

This is my train of thoughts folks, and I did miss the train that passes everyday behind my home. I didn't plan to take it, but I was happy to hear it when I returned. I missed it.

Amourx.

Hommage

Nelly Arcand est morte, elle n'est plus.

Je pleure celle que je n'ai jamais lue - envieuse et révoltée devant cette femme qui a publier son putain a 26 ans! Et qui est morte en liant sa vie à son dernier livre, puisqu'il n'était pas auto-fiction, elle l'a fait.

Je ne serais plus capable d'ouvrir son livre, j'aurais l'impression quelle serait là. C'est bien pour ça que je ne la lit pas. Elle est de mon age. J'ai perdue une soeur.

Je suis vraiment rien, dans ma chambrette d'hamster, en train de produire des sites-ouebes woohoo. En train d'écrire que j'aimerais peut-être écrire, y croire pour m'apaiser de mon angoisse de vivre. je-vais-ecrire-donc-ma-vie-n'est-pas-rien. Sans écrire bien sur. Sans aimer. Sans enfanter. Sans rien.

Nelly, t'es folle. Je t'aime.

Amourx.

Enlightement

In the bibliotheek - a Grand Place with 360 high views of the city. A voice of the 30s sings over a grand piano in the distance. Pods and places to sit in all kinds of ways, facing the city or not, sheltered or out in the open. Spectacular interior design - light abounds. At the top floor, high-end cantine, delicious and perfect - a suprisingly great place to dine, and a great location by the Central Station. I could spend every day here. I can see the slanted Nemo building from here, where I may go next. Quite the place to be today.

I didn't notice the books.

I am sort of taking my Friday off and it happened like this: the office internet connection is down, and I am even more down. I have a bit of a cold and am always still very tired. Last night at around 10pm, I uncharacteristically took my bike (it's way to small for me) and met friends to go to a party. Came back alone at 3am. I was not going to be bright and early. In fact, the first thing I did in this grand library is found a chair designed like an opened flower in front of a 5th floor window, with the giant table sized poofs paired to each green flower chair, this spot was perfect for a bit of sleep. And I slept deeply and soundly. Then I had soup.

In my minuscule, nether-smelly hotel bedroom, I have a very good full-lenght mirror. It made me face a very obvious fact. I, am fat. And I, am bagged shapped. My face has swollen, is round a puffy. My upper arms are big and slack, and did I see something like cellulite there? Maybe that's pushing it, but they are jiggely. My breasts, well, I pause somethimes wondering how they got that big, fighting for space between my big arms, bouncing forward like a threat. My legs, I don't really look at them anymore.

But what struck me this morning was my belly. Sitting on my bed which caused my arse fat to spread and buldge around me, I saw two very well defined tires, one sitting on top of the other, where my belly used to be. Together with the afore mentioned buldge, all of this created the unmistakable shape of a bag. Fat that hangs, this is where I am today. Uhg.

I don't plan to keep it. I have cut my medication in half; I am doing an hour of bicycle per day; I won't eat too much; I have an excercise band routine that I do in my minuscule Nether-room. I will relax, am getting back into yoga, that sort of thing.

That is all I have to say now.

Amourx

Koffie

I found my place. I could live at de Koffie Salon, period. This trip is very different from last time -- I am not frazzled and distressed. Far from it, I am rested and calm. I already have a routine, with everything in its place, and time. I have a lended bike and a spot on the mezzanine overlooking the barrista and the street, and the giant candelabra (nothing special about it). My room is next to the prettiest canal cross in Amsterdam, say my fellow resident collegues. I sleep soundly, and even my hair are tamed today, a very rare feat.

I left the pair of jeans that I was going to wear every day at home in the dryer! There is a shop at the corner of the office (did I tell you it's on the market street?, what's a girl to do. She will shop.

I dare say that in Montreal, there isn't a writting spot as perfect as this one. I dare say.

Amourx

Breathing Amsterdam

Well here I am, in a small room that barely passes the mark of 'ok'. Surely it is not suitable for a business trip, let alone 12 days of it. Luckily I changed the prison cell they first gave me. Now I am making the most of the upgrade. Everything in its place, what can be locked is, I am sleeping on my beauch towel (which coordinates well with the throw and pillows).

You know what's eek? They don't do sheets in Amsterdam. You can't even buy them. Hand paper towels and bathing cloths (not sure what the English term is - that cloth thing that you put your soap on in the shower) are also an oddity in these Nether-realms. No top sheet is not a big deal, Except when you're in a shady hotel. Eek.

I have walked looking for food and trying to know my way this time. I succeded, but the walk was 2 hour long. I'm beat. I was going to go into the most Perfect Cafe that is really near across the canal, on a short bit of street where every commerce is attracting me. The Pate Negro - foufounes meets meat hanging from the ceiling. Basque. Then there is also the little boutiques that where all closed. I'll be back.

There are parts of Ams that I really don't like - but I wrote that elsewhere. I don't particularly like walking for 2 hours, 1 would suffice.

It's 3pm/9pm depending where you sit. I'm very tired, kind of satisfied. I slept for 6 hrs in pieces, here and there. I have a small bottle of wine.I found a stone massage place.I think I will be ok to wake up early tomorrow. I am calm and happy to be alone; very happy to not be thrown into work. I know I say that a lot, but I love to be alone.

Last time I was here, it wasn't right. I'm not saying that it's going to be right this time; I don't know this. But, I had a bad spell in early summer.

Goals? Hopes? None, except writing, breathing.

Amourx

Patience

This is what happened today - I became guilt ridden boxed myself. Nothing major, actually subtle. I'm writing it down to catch myself. There is a fright covered by layers of wants, will, frustrations, and all the things that I don't control. Today I took a sick day, that's all.

I did it as a child, I missed school all the time. It made no difference whatsoever to no one. My mom kept me back in my first years, because I always got sick. My dad though, gave me the creeps. Guilty it was. I once sat a the top of the stair case looking down. I wanted to break my own arm, I kid you not. I didn't have the balls though, thank god.

Poison comes with exterior stress filtered through that scheming brain of mine. Oh how I know how to pull the strings of gloom, even the strings of terror. Now I face it, now I don't.

I still know, rationally, that I'm doing the right thing. And here I am, indeed, in a boxing match against myself. It is tiring. Rational is the way to go though. But right now when I listen inside I hear: want! want! want! hurry! SHAME! guilt guilt guilt. erh.

Anyway, it ain't that bad - really. On another note today I bought the most perfect watch - it's pretty. And today I thought I was pretty, and I thought that I caught some looks going my way because I was pretty. It's been a while since I felt that.

I didn't buy 2 pair of boots. I'm being reasonable, exercising constraint. Well, I may buy them tomorrow, hehe. One was a 3 inch heel leather black booty with buckles, hot and rough. One was a 1.5 inch below the knee high boot, in black velvet with leather buckle and seams. Lady like, eye catching, suave. Both where very comfortable, and expensive.

So I did my medical insurance claim and it will cover it. Good reasoning - right? Right.

I bought a book of course, on breathing. Back to the source. Did the exercise: 10 minutes of conscious breathing, trying to describe how it feels. Do this every day. My breath was cool, unsteady, shallow, silent, then broader and longer (I do that when I'm conscious of my breathing). I need to find my ground again :-).

I bought the Oprah mag for the plane; a purrfect tee; two other tees from my client's store. I by them because they are me, and I have a discount.

I bought one resistance band exercise dvd, to take to Ams with me. And I will return the one I bought yesterday - it wasn't so good.

Regrets? None.

I know that I am a fuss head, I know. I still like me. But you know what I didn't do? What is kind of hitting me saying hey girl, isn't this your life? And you're not doing it on your personal day? My book.

Thank god it's patient :).

And just to put the story straight - I paid in bills 4 times what I spent today. Clearing my debts ladies and gents: I am still marching down that road, nice and easy.

Of to work now. I mean sleep. Erg.

Amourx.

Homeland

Two minutes - I'm fine. I am going to travel and wandering what I need. I understand what happened last time. I flew after a couple work related traumaz; I was thinking of getting a new life. Out with the old, in with the new. It sure didn't happen.

This time, well, I'm there to enjoy it :). I love my home and I know it. I love my little daily tasks: prepping food, clearing the dishes, folding clothes away, and putting trash and recycling out. I love doing home economics: spending a week on 97$ so I can pay off my debt in bigger chunks. Claiming money from who owes me. Slowly re-integrating form & fitness, reducing my pill intake by half. And above all I love the sun that shines Every Day, the canal, the books, the people, the food, the low cost of everything... I don't want to move in Amsterdam - I live in my favorite place.

More later,
Tara.

This is a Story about a Peach

I had a peach. No, first I had a head of roman lettuce, and it was all about the lettuce. Could it be possible that it was so crisp after so many days? Because it shouldn't, and that's why tonight had to be about the lettuce.

The roman surprised me and I know this has to do with the new blue container. It makes lettuce fresher with time, or so it seems. Now I had a tomato, a cucumber and a green onion. No the tomato was bad, but I had a lemon. Roman, cucumber, green onion. It started to feel cool. The lemon gave in instantly - it was just waiting to give it's juice. Olive oil. Now I had some canned tuna, but I discarded that. Didn't feel right.

Basil felt right, and some grounded pepper and salt right on top of the leafs. If I had cheese... Well turns out that I did buy some goat feta cheese last time on the off chance. The cheese was disappointing in itself, but chopped up in a salad -- nice.

Mint sprigs - they slowly came round. First they were a statement: I have them. Then an idea; what if... but no. Then, well, it sort of tilted on and off, that idea of mint leaves in my salad. But I new that my salad was cucumber cool and lettuce leave light. Mint. Mint! Yes, chopped mint is exactly the perfect touch. And my friends, when I took out the sprigs to chop them coarsely, the scent, well... words to describe it would steer this paragraph into a hole other level.

The same thing happened to the peach. It was in the back of my fridge, and I wasn't sure if it was still with us, or if it had sadly passed, and put to waist the promising journey from Ontario to Montreal that it had endeavored, and the dreams this peach may have had, to become a something more than a dying fruit in the back of a laywoman's fridge. A quick feel, more to reckon about it's life stage, being practical about planning to eat it at some point and all that, revealed that it was still firm. Well that's all it was at first.

But then you see, the cucumber, the feta, the basil and the mint were together in this bountiful bouquet of romaine. The olive oil and lemon was already poured in. The peach... just... appeared as a matter of fact. That peach, cut in bite size pieces, in the salad. It had to be.

White wine framed and tied it together all the way from preparation to after dinner sip. There where a few drops in the salad too. This wine, and this peach, and this mint, and all this creation, chimed in and resonate in my palate still. And I must say, my palate is no longer a palate, it is a palace.

***************

In other news today, I am preparing a trip to Amsterdam soon. I got 2 movies in the mail. I'm on top of things at work. My home is clean and beautiful. My intentions are good. I am at peace with myself.

Amourx.

Échafaud

Un peu de réconciliation, histoire de fermer tout ce qui est ouvert, et donc épuisant, dans ma tête. Je me réconcilie avec moi-même. Il y a un paradoxe qui fait que je me calme en étant seule devant mes cahiers, livres, films, devant mes projets et mes rêves. Je les attrape tous au volant et les couche sur un post-it pour ne pas qu'ils s'échappent, et il se dessine un squelette de quelque chose. Comme ça il y a un certain fondement derrière ma frousse perpétuelle, un petit échafaudage. J'attrape les petites brindilles ça et là et les posent l'une sur l'autre en équilibre. C'est tout de même assez fragile, et il faut que j'y retourne assez souvent pour que j'y reconnaisse quelque chose, une essence ou une forme. Je ne suis pas une fille pratique.

Le paradoxe c'est que je suis malade face aux autres. Anxiété sociale, qu'on pourrait dire. Donc c'est avec les autres que je peux savoir si je vais mieux ou pis. Je crois la reconnaitre aujourd'hui, cette anxiété, par le discour intérieur -- en désaccord total avec ma façon d'être. Un mur géant entre les idées et les mots et gestes. J'agis en automate timide, avec la critique intérieure qui m'assaille en pensées. Je ne tolère pas beaucoup ma vie sociale.

Parenthèse car j'en ai une tout de même. Et s'il manque quelque chose aujourd'hui c'est d'oser choisir ma vie. Oser croire en ce que je veux de meilleur, pour le faire ensuite. La vie est trop courte.

Le week-end est trop court. C'est ce que je voulais dire au début.

Amourx.

Stakes

I did today as best I could. My 15 minutes of freestyle writing created some seed of a theme or intrigue. I didn't know that I would have to go to Africa, but a girl will do what girl has to do, quite. In the meantime, I have a pretty darned good informeress.

I worked as best I could, but the work couldn't get produced. Instead I found a resource very much by chance, very much as if something was playing in my favor. It's been a dawg old day as when the sun and breeze had more influence than other stakes. And I was started one hour earlier, and I woke one hour early, to do it that way.

It was my man's b-day, and all happened as it should. Well except I ate too much. Now I am tired like usually at this time, but it feels good to cuddle up in my sofa with tv or a book, not thinking about tomorrow. That's how I will sleep man, curled up with 3 books so that I can switch, ample choice is my method.

Hell even my hair cooperates tonight. The only things that don't are the movies expected in the mail, but that's probably 'cause I'm waiting to hard.

Amour doesn't cut it tonight for closure. Tonight it's sleep tight or forever hold your curls.

I only repeat it for voodoo reasons.

Amourx

Oridinaire

Pardonnez mes écrits très petite vie ces jours-ci, mais c'est ce que c'est (ma vie). Bizarre comme un rien de ménage me donne du contrôle, comme une recette suivi à la lettre, sauf pour les épices, et mesurée avec soin m'emmêne loin dans les hautes sphères du délicieux, pour un faible coût. Bizarre comme une seule bière consommée avant, pendant et après le repas goûte si divinement bon.

Ça a l'air de rien, mais je suis en train de faire un très gros move. Parenthèse, vous devriez voir mes rêves ces jours-ci, autant bizarre que pervers que réels. J'en ai été choquée plus d'une fois. Cette nuit il y avait... vaut mieux pas le dire - au cas où ils me lisent.

Très gros move doucement, mine de rien. Ce n'est pas un changement de job (qui quitterait une job qui l'envoie à Amsterdam aux 2 mois?), ce n'est pas un déménagement, c'est autre chose. Mais je préfère vous racontez les petites.

Hier j'ai fait de l'exercise chez moi avec des élastique et mon ballon. Cette fois je le jure, je gèle mon abonnement au gym. Je ne peux pas piffer le sourire pepsodant de certains et la rigueur militaire des entrainement que je devrais faire si si si... Et aussi, il y a l'égo qui agit en ce sens. La rouille, s't'affaire.

Bon ce soir, je laisse tomber le détour à la quincaillerie, ça sera samedi. Les cannettes vide, demain. Sauf si je veux marcher. Cadeau de fête à penser... Faudrait quasiment que je manque un jour de travail pour tout faire rentrer dans cette courte semaine. J'ai un peu de boulot aussi pour ce soir... oh.

Et le livre! Il a fait je pense un bout de chemin. J'ai la marche à suivre tout tracée. J'ai fini l'avant dernier workshop, reste 1. Ensuite je peux travailler sur le plan et les idées... disons 3 semaines. Ça m'aidera aussi à arrêter le genre. Je m'amuse. Et je lis plusieurs livres en même temps - j'ai un VLB qui attend. Ça fait longtemps qu'il me tente, son Joyce.

Ça y est, c'est tout. Je suis planement heureuse, et ça fait bien pour ce temps.

Amourx.

Quotidien

Voyons l'état des choses. J'ai deux bières dans le corps alors ça ne pourra pas être trop sérieux. Il n'est que 6 heures et j'ai fait au moins quatre choses: un appel conf. pour le boulot (Amsterdam n'est pas en congé), une fête de neveu de 14 ans (plus la location et voyage en voiture, plus l'achat du cadeau), un appel annuel à la belle-mère égyptienne, et des planchers pas mal propres. C'est là que j'ai bu les deux bières en écoutant M.I.A., si bien que maintenant, je ne sais plus si je veux ou peux lire, écrire ou voir le film emprunté à la bibli, ou faire tout autre chose qui est pressant et dont je passerais à côté.

Non, je ne pense pas. Une douche et les deux pieds en pantoufles, je fais ce que je veux. Je reçois ma famille le 13, ça me force à mettre en ordre les choses, visser dans les murs tout ce que je n'ai pas encore oser faire.

Pantouflarde je suis. J'apprécie lire toute seule, c'est grave. Je ne suis pas sortie samedi (je sors jamais) même si j'avais une offre très bien. Je lis, je fait des petits plans de petite fille qui veut être parfaite. Je suis toujours fatiguée de toute façon. Sur que j'ai pas la recette de vie ultime, avec toute cette auto-suffisance.

Mais! J'ai trouver un livre qui me dit exactement quoi faire pour écrire mon livre. Écrire mon livre, ça demande d'être bien seule.

Un petit voyage à Amsterdam tomberait bien.

Amourx.

Zest

I've been given my options squarely, defiantly. And as always, I accept ze challenge. With superior zest! I'm no spring chicken. My gloves are on: I don't like to be undermined.

I will lie in it

I believe that I am making my bed.

Perle du jour

Le long d’un fleuve couleuvre glisse ton cil
Que je n’ai pas oublié depuis le temps
Qu’il tangue.
Dans le feu de ta langue, l’autre jour
Tu m’as dis y croire, et moi
Je ne t’ai pas entendu.
Demain j’irai au fleuve voir
S’il restait un bout de toi
Une image, un mot, un geste
Que je puisse emporter avec moi.

***chaque matin j'écris Freestyle 15 minutes, ce petit poème s'est présenté ce matin :).

Home economics

1 hour talk with a sister I didn't see in months. Worth every minute in spades. She's in lust. And I relate to her more quickly than I do my other sisters, in an instant.

Grocery shopping done while tallying my purchases to the cent, on the fly, as a mental game and a way to keep costs under budget. 1 imported beer (1.33$ + taxes) savoured with half of a take-out lunch from work: fried rice with duck and tofu (1.50$, no taxes). Bonus buys on tuna and hummus and chicken breasts. A 66 cent orange juice concentrate too. No one should start knowing this minute cent counting stuff before 35 - it all started to make sense today.

I will get another beer now (1.33$ + taxes), feels right.

I finally received 2 out of 3 DVD's (0$) from the rental place. It took... 4 days to get here. Acceptable. I'm not sure if you want to know what I watch and what I read. 'I'm not there', and 'Kamouraska'.

Kamouraska is a delirious ride into the anxiety ridden kaleidoscope emotions of a woman, as she reveals her mystery. A complex read that I am savouring. I am quite attached to the word. Kamouraska sounds like 'run with me over the rapids to the place of love'. I'm sure that the author agrees (Anne Hébert).

The duck and tofu are hinting that they disagree now. Or maybe it's the prescription I swallowed too late in the day and downed with a sip of beer.

House is clean. Work is behind me. Time is ahead. I rarely am so still.

On my plate is writing: I have 15 minutes freestyle in the morning, 1 or 2 workshop exercises in the evening; On my plate is my career, ready to shift again in time. My body is nowhere to be seen, though I'm keeping it healthy.

kAmourx.

Workshop no. 6

Expository
Janet went down the alleyway trying to remember what her mom had asked her. Something about milk, and something about ham, and… And then she remembered that she has the credit card now, so she knows that she won’t run out of money. That’s a relief. But she was still worried that she wouldn’t remember everything properly.

Conversation
“Janet! Now don’t you forget the list — And look at it too! I wrote it in there but please remember to get the processed cheese, not that smelly old stuff that she has over there”. She stressed the ‘she’ and maintained her ‘smelly old stuff’ face when she said it.
“Ok but Mom? What is it about the chee…”
“There you go again, not listening. Please remember to by pro-ces-sed cheese. Get a pint of milk — not more or it will go bad. And we need green beans to go with the ham on Sunday. Don’t mess it up this time.”
“I won’t. But Mom?”
“Yes dear”
“What if I run out of money again, like last time”
“You won’t, because you will use my credit card this time”.
She went into her purse and hesitated, then took out her credit card from her big leather wallet and gave it to Janet without a word. And Janet took it and left without a word, feeling as though she had just been given a very high responsibility.

Girl in a Bunker

Je me sens crasse encore, dedans et dehors. J'ai un mal de coeur subtil, comme un poing serré à l'intérieur. Je veux me cacher ou fuir, je suis morte d'embarras. On a tous vu ma vraie nature, celle d'une retardée mentale qui bave et qui se frotte probablement à qui mieux mieux.

Je pourrais pas vous dire, j'y étais pas de mémoire. Je suis dans l'après -- et je me rappèle de ne jamais boire pour boire. De ne jamais boire d'ennui. Et surtout de ne jamais boire quand on dissimule au fond de soi la fille qui manque d'amour.

Mon corps se remet mais ma tête est encore troublée.

En surface j'ai eu du bon temps, jouer au volleyball entre deux pluies. Offert un ordinateur à ma mère. Passer une journée seule hier à lire, et une autre avant hier chez mon copain à regarder un bon film. Mais on s'est faché dans l'auto. Et la fille au fond de moi se blinde. Je ne dis pas que c'est sa faute, non. Je ne suis pas une fille facile. Je ne suis pas très bonne pour répendre le bonheur et provoquer l'épanouissement de chacun. Faudrait que je m'ouvre un peu, au fond, mais j'ai peur que ça fasse mal.

La honte me garde à faux et me transperse. La honte n'existe pas.

Amourx.

Broken to the bone and whaling like a dawg at the end of his barrel.

Slowly

Water and more water will take care of the inkling residue of shame/guilt I have from another great ''over-drinking to the point of memory loss" work party. I don't think that I had enough fun to justify it.

I have been good with energy conservation (apart from that night of course). I have some good plans for work too - I'll try to move on to strategy. Strategist produce written documents, and that's something that I like to do. Plus I think that I'd be damn good at it.

I've been in a rut lately, even if I love the client, the travel, much of my co-workers, and I appreciate the experience I keep acquiring and the assurance that I get (hell I'm the senior of the small group now, it boggles the mind). Still it's a struggle to keep motivation up - something to do with the daily grind and repetition. I get tired of that rapidly. I'm not crazy about the flora either.

And, I have a book plan. It's 5 years long, so I can finish it at the round age of 40. I'm taking a couple months to decide what genre, but I have my mind set on a serial. There's something unfinished about each tome of a series that is comforting. The task of delivering one finite book, that would hold in it a complete, hole, story, is scary. I can't hold it all in one. I can't be that perfect.

I wish that I wasn't so washed out by drinks. I had to leave work at noon on Friday. I was going green.

That's all. I'm recovering. Today I shall find the vacuum cleaner bags or sweep. I'll put the clothes and dishes away. If I'm good, I'll even screw a few things.

Then I'll try to get back into exercise. I'll probably ditch the gym, I can't keep up and the people there are too healthy, I swear. I think I should do loner stuff for now, slowly.

I'll have to revisit my meds regiment because it kills the libido too much. There is not a lot of passion in my writing, not a lot of passion in my life. But there is a slow burning fire still happening, and I am never giving that up. I'm still fighting, it's less apparent.

Amourx.

A Simpler Question

I just woke up from emergency sleep. That's when you don't sleep at all for 24 hours until you finally pass out for good and there's nothing you can do. That does some good. I slept last night -- a bit -- but it sure didn't feel like it today. I didn't realize it until now.

So time is passing and I'm still asking the same question. When will I feel more normal.

I have conveniently decided that I am normal in most respects. My head is screwed on right. I have challenges, but I'm not particularly impaired in any regards. There is no strange thing going on with me. That's a big old load of my back.

The abnormal thing is that I get depleted after work. My energy is too low :(.

As usual I want to make plans to help. Exercise has not been happening since I started traveling some two months ago. I feel too tired. I don't want to see the trainer or any specialist anymore, too demanding or unnecessary.

I have a hold of what I eat and what I spend, and I take care of allowing a time for each thing, specially for shutting down work, so that I'm well rested and de-stressed. It works! Last year was a nightmare compared to this.

That's the most I can do for now, and I am still too tired every night. My plan is not huge, but it's just this: Energy. I'm going to watch it, tame it, and adopt it.

And probably read a book about it.

Amourx.

Other Sources of Consumption

Nothing will stop a hungry girl from wanting. Take one thing away, and she'll find another source of stuff to suck up against the big bad void. I found a movie rental service by mail that operates in Canada. I'm thoroughly enjoying adding films to my list, one by one. Now lets see how fast they make it from Calgary to Montreal! I know this act of selecting a zillion movies won't feel great for long, so I'm enjoying it now. Unlimited movies, 3 at a time, for 20$ a month. No more late fees. I'm happy enough to sound like an ad.

Now when will my package arrive. hmm hmm. I forgot how to say Jouir in English. I forgot more than that.

Speaking of ads, I've added a column on the bottom left out of curiosity. I wanted to now what the great algorithm would churn up for me. So far it's been religion, diet, writing and cleaning. Small things amuse me.

I am still affected by the train-wrecky Monday. But the difference from last year is that I left work no later than 6:15, and I am pretty good with that now. I'm all in all better structured (she said snootily as she thinks of her smartly made bed, her fresh folded towels, her put away dishes and clothes. Wot!).

The hair tho, still needs a cut. Plus where did all this grey come from!!! Ho-hum.

Rest of today? Rest, read, write. I'm at lesson 5 or 6 of the workshop. Character building.

Spot check

I really need to cool it after work. I get train-wrecky.

Shove it!

I have a bonus Free Sunday! Summer work party got rain checked - but it's not raining! hehehe.

Did my finance including scary home owner taxes - never had those before. But, turns out I could wing my first payment, almost on time (I never even saw the 'must be paid by' date before today...).

I found THE best software EVER for taking notes. My long last quest has finally ended. It's called Shovel Box. And you need a mac (sorry pc peeps, I feel for you).

Wee good day. I will do the floors and maybe some more decluttering. I will go to the museum. I will go play guitar hero at Jo's.

I have already mapped out 3 plausible path, to support and nurture my writing project, with a major transition after valentines day :-)

Amourx.

Yank

I wrote 1600 words in a writing exercise. I used some techniques from my workshop to build a plot. Now I know that I can write a novel, because the mechanics are easy and I am not short of ideas. I didn't say a good novel. But I stopped because my fingers got tired. So i can easily write a long story, so a novel.

I'm super happy to be alone right now. All I want is to clean my apartment and write. I believe that writing is my escape and my refuge, and I like it. Alas I have social events and people to see. Heck I even have a boyfriend and a job. How did that happen?

I am again low on energy. Just a note. Somewhere I heard that a stressful childhood makes you age faster and impairs your abilities to deal with emotions. Damn. I also heard that I have at least 6 siblings and cousins on meds because of severe anxiety. But I just had a thought.

Maybe nothing is wrong with me. Maybe there are no deep dark secret, insanity, genetic disorder, psychological illness, special development, phobias, deviations, disabilities, syndromes, irregular mind, no particularities about me. Maybe I am just Normal.

Very introspective, but normal.

That does wipe out a lot of stress, anxiety, fear, shame.

That's the one: shame. That's the evil. Let me yank it out with a spoon right now.

Thanks. Aaaaaah.

Amourx.

Close?

Minutes to write it down. I forget now.... Oh yeah. So this is who I would love to be: Someone who hosts dinners for up to 20 people. Who can swing a proper 'formal' party (baby shower, anniversaries and such) without batting an eye. Someone who sews her cloths when they are ripped. Who has a lot of plants and a well tended garden. You get the idea?

I am at the other end of the spectrum. The closest thing I do is sleep with the Joy of Cooking, reading cover to cover of it's tiny print before I fall asleep.

More on this later. Got work to do!

Amourx

Crack

The day has filled up quite much and so, I didn't set my timer and didn't clean my bathroom. But I did spent 10 minutes to clear and clean the sink, consequently I started to populate my new shelves - and that feels like an amazing step into the aaaah world. Big quick fix, I like.

Got me thinking about the beautiful vanity lamp I bought oh, say 3 month ago, that sits in my here office, in a box. Small steps, small steps. I also have to take down the ugly Ikea lamp I installed in the living room - it doesn't work in many, many ways. Small steps.

Bought the laptop for my mama! That took a while and got me tired but the deed is done. Bonne fête maman! It's her birthday today, she turns 64.

The computer should arrive at my home-mom sister's house at the end of the month. I also checked in with Nautilus but didn't cancel it yet. I didn't make a hair appointment. And I am not working tonight (it was a plan at some point today, but I scratched it in favor of relaxation, hehe). I'll do the crack of dawn thing instead.

I will soon go to bed with the Joy of Cooking, as I did yesterday. Weird? Yes. Revealing? Too. Comforting? You bet.

I take it where I find it.

Amourx.

Allow me

Today's task is the bathroom. Things are evolving slowly but it is satisfying. Clothes sorted, clutter sorted in the living room and kitchen. I can almost breath. ahhhh.

It's nothing to write home about, I know, but that's why blogs are. So I will set my timer after work, grab my 'how to clean book' (I'm not even kidding), and wipe away a couple weeks... months... of daily grind.

A small step for me, a big one for humanity. I have severe ADD when it comes to cleaning. It seems trivial and I seem naturally bad at it; but I've been missing the boat.

That's it? Yeah. I haven't been top shape lately and I am recovering. I am not hunting down big emotions.

Well I am going to show up at the Nautilus and explain my sudden disappearance of the last 2 months, and get a hair cut appointment. I also managed to do my expense account for the trip which, because of severe flight coordination problems, goes up to almost half of a paycheck. Swe-heet. 1 down, 2 to go.

Am at lesson 4 of the 'writing workshop'. Am contemplating doing this next week.

Love my coffee this morning.

Amourx

Cooler

I won't talk about it to much but stress equals fear for me, and I'm pretty scared at work. It's not a nice feeling, I hope it goes away in time. I have felt it everywhere that I work, so this is about me.

Today: 30 minutes to clear my clothes. Only 9$ left in the bank account now but I have 4500 new recopies to concoct. For when the temperature drops below 30 degrees and when the pay check comes in. I am happy to give my mama a jade green laptop. Oh yeah! A feel good thing, priceless (right?).

Breeze now almost cooling me. It's impossible to sleep in my hot house. My boyfriend has already given up and took his bike all the way back to his place in the middle of the night. But girls are cooler.

I dropped 2 pounds. I know you don't care what I look like, that's why I love you, but I am pleased.

Amourx

-------------------
Time spent sorting clothes and cleaning drawers: 1:12.
Bag to give away: 1
Dollars found: 3!

Enough to buy 1 beer. Yay!

The French web sucks

Retour Retour, c'est lundi. J'ai cherché partout des sites français qui parle du procédé d'écriture et des ateliers et je vais vous dire une grosse généralité: les sites français sont nuuuuuls! Laids surtout, comme s'ils étaient construits en 1992. Mais comment vais-je faire pour écrire en français quand tous les outils sont en anglais. Hmm.

Je me sens bien tout simplement ce matin. J'ai lu des écrits qui date d'il y a deux ans. Définitivement, c'était plus vribrant qu'aujourd'hui; les pilules amortissent l'esprit.

Amourx

Julia

J'ai du acheter le livre Joy of Cooking après avoir vu le film sur Julia Child. Pas le choix. J'étais d'ailleurs la troisième dans l'heure, ce qui a heurté mon égo d'originale. Bien sur, j'ai aussi pris la barre de chocolat Godiva aux amandes. C'est un rituel quand je vais là. Pour une quarantaine de dollars, j'ai 4500 recettes... et 29$ restant dans mon compte jusqu'à jeudi. J'ai aussi eu l'idée d'acheter un ordinateur portable à ma mère, vert jade. Vous comprendrez, je ne suis qu'un quart de sa progéniture, et vérifications faites, les 3 autres adhèrent au plan. Donc ce n'est qu'un quart du prix d'un portable, pour offrir à ma mère l'internet! Inutile d'y penser d'avantage. J'ai même trouver un bon rabais.

Vous direz que l'économie 101 fonctionne mal chez moi. Bien, j'ai fait 1:30 de ménage (je me suis minutée, ça aide). J'ai arrêter quand j'ai vu que mon sac de balayeuse était plein. C'est pour aller en acheter que j'ai fait une pause. J'allais combiner avec le ciné, puis, à mi-chemin, je me suis dis que je pouvais économiser sur les sacs si j'attendais simplement de trouver ceux que j'ai quelque part dans mes boîtes, coffres ou garde-robes. Je fais un effort.

Je mange un cuisine minceur pour souper. Il y a peut-être de l'ironie à faire sur l'étalage de ces faits, mais je n'en suis pas dupe. La vie suit son cours à sa manière, et je la suis avec une assurance inexplicable, mais réelle.

Amourx

Je reviens ici

Quelques minutes, même si j'ai un plan dressé pour ce dimanche, qui en est un beau. J'écris entre les pause du documentaire sur les Rocheuses. Je reviens.

Je progresse un peu, mais ce n'est pas toujours facile à voir. Par exemple, je sais maintenant que l'histoire que je vais écrire sera écrite en français, parce que je maîtrise mieux cette langue. Pas que je la maîtrise! J'essaie aussi d'avoir des ambitions moins grandioses pour l'écriture. Commencer petit, c'est bon.

Je commence un nouveau chapître de mon existence, ou plus justement, un saut de section dans le chapître. J'ai commencer l'année en déliant allégrement le porte-feuillle; ça a commencer avec un jeu pour jouer, et j'ai vu que c'était bon. Maintenant les comptes sont au négatif alors la route à prendre est claire: économie familiale 101. Voir ce que je peux faire avec ça.

De toutes façon c'est épuisant et ça devient vide, de toujours consommer (et toujours lire, dans mon cas).

Aujourd'hui je plonge dans mon désordre. Un peu d'archéologie en ce dimanche d'août.

Amourx

Fair

It's balmy, it's wonderful, and I'm leaving on a bike to spend time at an agri-culture food sample fair, sampling food from all over La belle province. Nice.

Now as for my life in general - have regressed in depression and foul-ish moods. But the sun is taking care of that. I am a plumpy 15 pounds more than my ideal, but it went in all the right places. My energy is too low, so I am taking it easy and taking care. Being home is going to help.

Any life altering plans? Yes, two. But, before they happen, I need to start letting go and having fun.

Amourx.

Hmm

I have been saying that I will be free soon.

10 minutes

Warm, sticky, low cast day. I like it. I have made my bed and put dishes in the dishwasher, a small step for humanity indeed. I'm getting my priorities in check: condorama first. I know I know, this here is idle time. This ain't a post to be pretty.

10 minutes of cleaning per day in the morning, 10 more in the evening.

Amourx

PIN

It took 4 hours to lose my vacation glow today. Work is and always has been intense. The team moral seems low with the cuts that we had recently.

I am shattered! I am going to take care of this problem first, with beer. Just kidding (kinda). Intense de-stress is needed. Sound the alarm, I'm on tilt. Except my energy is too low now.

This is just to pin it down, that 7 o'clock fatigue: not normal and constant.

Amourx

Normal and OK

Hi there.

I am home now, back from a postcard week with family in the Columbia Valley, BC. I flew overnight and lost 2 hours in the process, so I am tired and calm. This summer has done some good to me. My favorite part was not working in Amsterdam; it was BC and it was Florida too: the true holidays.

Coffee at 8 o'clock? Why not, I'm still in it. I am returning as the new/old me: a bit bigger, a bit slower, similar but elsewhere. Same same but different, as some would say. Crickets are chiming in loudly in the dark evening beside me. It's the first time that I hear them here, from the wide open back door of home.

I continue to know that I need to write. Always have and always will, and I will get into that now. First thing first, I need to write my own sad and sappy story. I won't publish it, I think, but this autobio has been clinging to me like an old, rundown, wet gown from another era since forever. It's a fact: even at 5 years old, not long after learning to read and write (self-taught), I had my mom setup the typewriter in my bedroom so that I could write the story of my short life.

What I really want to write is not that, and here is my problem: I get stuck at the very first questions. In what language do I want to write? I can't choose! I want freedom to write in both English and French. What, then, is it that I will write? A fiction, a novel with characters I'm guessing. Short, I hope, to start with. How? When? On what medium? For who, etc. I don't know -- but I want so much that I can't choose.

I'm good at writing in here because I have no agenda, it's different.

So I decided to do some online writing workshop to get me going. I'm tempted to do a full-on career change and to Study too.

As far as my current career goes, it sure has been a roller coaster ride. I grew in it more than I could imagine. And I can grow some more, but I need to watch my health. It's a high stress world, and a challenge for me always, to keep my emotions at bay and to feel 'normal' and OK.

I'm thinking now that mental illnesses aren't illnesses. I'm thinking that it's adaptation and evolution in the Darwinian sense. We need to do things that work well with our minds. If I am dysthymic, autistic, borderline, depressive or bipolar; if I am right-brain, left-brain, or even just very creative, then I need to find the life that makes it easier to live with that quality. And that life may bring a quality Me out. Just a thought.

I'm not reproducing anyways, in the Darwinian sense. Not at the moment.

I haven't been bored in a very long time, so I must say, this is a big step forward. The gown is falling off me.

Amourx.

I want to be straight

Let me explain. When I feel unstable as I am these days in this pretty yet so unstable city, my whole world is held together precariously. I become the dummy doing the balancing act, keeping my world level on top of my nose, while walking on stilts, on a trampoline floor, in a maze, in underwear.

One minute I am excited and extreemly happy because I found that I fit in it and that I am relevant, the next I am ashamed and guilty because well, how could I have thought that. And that shame is corroding and hurts. I can go a long way with thoughts of not fitting, not deserving, and finding proof that I am a lowly creature; a freak of nature.

Then, glimpse of possibility seen accross the wall. I can reach it! If I just talk to this person, go to this place, at this time, or if I just have this attitude, I'm in! I could access all this fun, meaningful world where most people live.

But then I miss the opportunity. I'm late, I have the bad attitude, I said the wrong thing, I'm too shy, too tired. The world is grim, I am a freak, etc.

Tiring and reminds me that I must take my pills now... It has been like this a lot in Amsterdam and I think that I am making progress in some ways: I don't know that I want to live here. Not if I'm to feel this way alot. I want to go back to stability in my head.

I managed to make another stink at work and so, I think that I may be the next to go. That's one of the thoughts I have while on the stilts.

Otherwise I'm not straighter than the next laywoman. I had wished that I would trigger some new things of me here. But I'm not there. You can't plan to provoke life! Lesson learned one more time.

It's sunny and my last sunday here. I am spending it alone and aside from the stilted woman, I think that it's good for the still one.

Amourx

Soufflé

This is a first - I'm writing my post while another human sits only a meter away. My boyfriend, my sister, my mother, no one ever saw this blog or heard of it, unless by their own means, which is allowed but not probable. I never mention a word about it. To no one.

But I am sooo striving to write up my thoughts here, and I can't do it anywhere but in this living area thanks to the absence of wifi (I am living in an appartment shared with 2 collegues and the girlfriend of one of them, who sadly is bored right now because her boyfriend is always working, and it's sad because we probably could of painted the town red, or each other). I would do this in my bedroom, which has a lovely and great big balcony that is also private. But no, no connection there. This is a problem. I can't socialise that often, or keep my thoughts trivial, so long.

Today I was again unsure, unsettled and anxious. I left work quite late but the sun never sets in this northern city. I came home settled to drink on my own. I meant eat. I thought of things that could cheer me up. My soufflé body cream after a hot bath. Make that a shower, no baths here (but the shower is state of the art).

Planning all the things I can do now that I'm here right now. See the islands nearby, with the contemporary out-of-this world architecture. That's what the architects called it, so it must be it. Tomorrow perhaps?

Instead of anxing about it, about not fitting in not earning my due not doing what I'm here for, maybe I should just freeload it. A thought. I'm way too anxious.

10 more days and I am 50% happy, 50% already sad that I'm leaving, 50% missing the cozy comforts of home, where I can really be alone AND on the net at the same time.

I took my pill and downed it with a beer. I feel better now. Although my mom would have a heart attack if she read this, it's nothing like that.

There are tons of museums here but that can be done another time. Oddly I did not see one single heart throb. In the land of the tall people! I'm not there nanyways.

Nothing much but the decision of should I smoke the pot or read the book. For once, dutch tv is cooperating. And so is my poor, left behind sister in ams.

Amourxxx

Comfort found

That too (previous post) has past, I am now back to being Content. I have slept for 11 hours. I have coffee, the internet. Alas there is still no English papers to be found in Dutch territory. I am lazy like a saturday morning. I'm good.

This week has been dark for my company as some people had to be laid-off because of the crisis :(. And specially, my friend, mentor, ex monster-boss, supermodel genius collegue is one of them. We in Amsterdam are sad :(. It won't be the same without her.

I am having a pretty grand time here both at work and personnaly, after a first week of adjustment and rain. The sun came out finally, but this morning it gracefully stays behind a slight overcast to take away any pressure out of my lazy Saturday morning.

Today I want to take it easy like a boat ride, which I might do. I haven't found a place where I can recharge. In Montreal there is my home, the canal, my bike, several cafes, book stores... Here, not yet. There is a great book store 'The American bookstore' where I will probably return too. It's open regular Amsterdam hours (never ;-)). I'm not in an exploring, intensly doing mode. I'm quite low on energy actually, and I would love a massage and possibly a gym. My bones are achy. And I won't speak about my eating habits...

So my Amsterdam knowledge is limited, I still have years of exploration to do :). Meanwhile I was looking at online creative writing diplomas cause did you know? I want to Be. A. Writer. I found tremendous good resources.

The challenge for me is not in the writing itself, it's in finding the focus to do it. Possibly, it's also just about doing it. Some say writing in here hinders the start of my writing project. I say writing in here is vital.

Amourx

In the extra hour

Bookworm that I am, yesterday I stopped at the beautiful American Book Center and I didn't by a book. I did however, find the warmest wool jacket to keep me warm when I need (it's been cold and wet, now alternating with heat and sun, unpredictable). My coat is the closest thing to a hot bath that I have.

I almost bought a book, and I will buy this book if it's still there in the spiraling stairway bookcase, that tells writers not to journal. I'm guessing that it's counter productive for a writer. All that self-analysis and vacuous musing.

But what about the reaching out? I'm still in a bottle even 5 years later, I still need to release all that non-communication that I do.

What about when I hit that despair spot, or when I get an all soft-spotted heart? I felt it today. It may look like nothing but I fell on the other side of comfortable, just like that. It scares me, because it happens just like that. And suddenly I am crying almost, in the isle, when last week I was smiling from the belly out. The floor has been pulled away, and I can almost hear it say 'ha-ha, it was just a joke'. I don't really have foundations.

Damn. And I had started to rely on it. It was practicle, comfortable. Ha-ha.

Fine, I'm here, flying over the void, waiting to be caught by something, scared as hell that no one catches me. Scared to be seen falling. Scared to be seen truly. Scared to hold on to what I got.

It's-just-a-little-bit-of-anxiety.

Ah! Ha.

Picking myself up. Let see what were the good things of today:

Cycling to work on the canals in the most flirtatiously pretty city.
The sun that came back.
The beer in the courtyard
A new friend?
The bagel!
The mozarella!
The decadent drippy danishes
The collegue that just joined us
The respect, I guess.
The flight booked by beau
Having the appartment to myself tonight
NOT working tonight
The extra hour of sunlight.

Counter productive? Probably. Essential, probably.

And probably, I need to find my own comfort.

Amourx

The Enchanted

My flute practically plays itself. From the lowest to very near the highest notes, I can hit them effortlessly, and my fingers easily remember the tunes I played over and over again as a child. Why, I could even get back into business!. A Jazz band perhaps? Hmm

A flute is not a versatile instrument. It will always be soft, nice, friendly. It can do sad or happy and all the range of emotions, and some can make it have a fairy flute conversation, but it can't do, say, loud angry rock, unless you do very weird things with it, that maybe you shouldn't.

It never does loud unless your playing in your apartment after 10pm, like I just did. In an orchestra, the flutes are always miked, and it's still hard to hear them against all the other winds and strings. Flutes just do their little twirly-fluty things out on their own, and their very happy like that thank you very much.

So what does a maverick coyote of the south-west like me do with a flute? I know how to play it, that's one. And I had a sad history with flutes that I just re-wrote when I put my paws on this one. Now the story is, I have my flute and I can play it too. That's two. And the third reason is, it blows! hehe.

Its satisfying to use your breath to make sound. I don't think that sound will ever be as big as I need it to be, but I have a synth for that. I'm gonna stick to the pretty fairy flute sound, and explore it's range. What I love the most about it is it's aerial quality. When you can give your own signing voice the same aerial quality as a flute, that's Big. And if I could program that same aerial quality into my synth, that would be... portable! Fun to be had.

Of course I need to learn to use that keyboard. But It is not portable. It will have to wait for the fall.

I am almost in Amsterdam, life has shifted gears and I like it.

Amourx

Tara

Toot toot!

I have just returned from a wonderful, FUN, vacation in Florida that had everything it could, almost. Now I'm home and psyched! There is so much stuff that I want to jump on and do, even if my old bones are protesting. But the first thing (well after coffee, facebook, and a few glimpses at the state of my general data) is to come right here and Write. Aaaaaah, feels good.

As you may have guessed I am Happy and even Perky. Yes yes. And a rarity, I have a tan :-). Sun=Fun. I've had few vacations or trips have that effect on me. Maybe 6, let's say (Windermere as a child in the 80's and last year - well last year was Banff and Calgary, but it's the same, Rome, Chicago, Amsterdam this last spring, Florida).

I'm going to Amsterdam, then Windermere, in the next couple weeks. Did I say perky?

Now I have to be diligent cause I'm leaving again in 5 days. I am one month short of missing out on a 6500$ financial aid application deadline!!! Woah Nelly, I gotta screw my head on right and shift to the right gear. Giddy up!

That will help balance my books if you know what I mean, they're sightly bursting at the seams. A good citizen I am, helping with the economy and such. I also have to retrieve 8 months of expense account and medical insurance claims. This too shall help.

I left my weight where I dropped it - yeah baby. And that vitamin D is doing good things to me, I know it.

Now I want to Tazmanian Devil style fix up my place, start working on my novel, visit my family, host a party, gear up my keyboard and play it, rollerblade, budgetize, shrink up and get body care and training for my few rusty bits.

Did I say that I bought a flute? A flute that I can play? Yes yes yes yes YES! I will toot that flute it until I get dizzy. Ha!

I got some Anthropology clothes, of course. And a neat manicure-pedicure at the airport. I still. want. stuff. (Like that thousand dollar solution to all my music needs that really is an economy when you think of it. Really ;-). And Rollerblades. And a four hands massage...)

On that note I am off to doing some of the above in a random order, with a lot of day dreaming and wondering thrown in for good measure.

Amourx.

Tara

South-West Goes South

Calore. Plus qu'une journée et c'est un départ incertain vers Burlington, direction motel cochon. Je serai au volant. Après je vol vers la Floride - j'y suis jamais allée. Ça sera intéressant de rencontrer la mère de l'autre, un sacré personnage à ce que j'ai compris il y a longtemps. Hé au pire, on se sauvera. Au mieux, ça sera drôle.

I (can't wait to) feel good! (ta-da-ta-da-ta-da-ta, I know that I will).

Amourx.

Simple et bon

Il y a des frustrations que j'aime avoir dans mon sac. Je suis une écrivaine frustrée. J'en gagne pas ma vie, mais je suis heureuse d'écrire tout le temps. Je suis une anthropologue frustrée. J'en gagne pas ma vie, mais quand je vois un terrain, je me dis merde! Quelle occasion que je ne peux pas prendre! Parce que je fais autre chose. Je suis une productrice, je suis heureuse.

St-Henri m'apporte beaucoup de ces moments. J'ose même pas vous dire ce qui se trame comme projet parce que je protège déjà mes droits d'auteurs. Mais c'est facile! Chaque porte sur la rue est une histoire. Il y a une mixité de terrain si près les uns des autres... Comment s'organisent les gens ici? Chacun avec leurs origines, leurs religions établies côte-à-côte dans des église à rabais qui côtoient les dolorama et autre 'Regratier'... Chacun avec leurs époques aussi, décelable dans la coiffure qui rappèle parfois la mode de quelques décénies passées. Fixée à l'os dans le spray net.

L'histoire ici est dense. La mienne s'écrirait toute seule. Il y a tellement de matière. Il y a Florentine, ma mère, ma grand-mère... Elles allaient toutes chez John j'en suis certaine. Moi aussi j'y vais de temps en temps.

C'est comme si j'étais tombé dans de la soupe anthropologique toute pleine de sens qui me rappèle pourquoi je suis ancrée aussi solidement ici. Pourquoi je suis heureuse, et pourquoi c'est simple et bon.

Aujourd'hui je suis heureuse, car c'est dimanche et il faut bon. Au programme: lecture, café, ménage, baggage. Mon périple estival commence: Base 1, la Floride. Je m'en vais rencontrer Rose-Ange.

Amourx.

18 raisons

J'ai triché avec une mangue. C'est une tricherie parfaite, je vous le jure!

Je suis quand même pas mal stressée dans la vie. Je l'écris en français par effort de simplicité... Si je mettait un peu de rationalité dans mes émotions, si je coupais dedans à grand coup de rations, j'arriverais peut-être à saisir ce qui me dérange si intangiblement.

En français tous les mots sont des erreurs, dixit le correcteur de blogger.

1-SPM
2-1200 calories par jour
3-Fracas fait avec la plante du bureau
4-Peur de l'engagement, peine à décider
5-3 voyages en 6 semaines
6-La vitesse grand v du travail
7-Le BRUIT
8-Le besoin d'être appréciée toujours
9-Le gap entre moi et le monde
10-Mon jupon qui dépasse
11-La peur tout court
12-Le manque de temps
13-Pas de manuel
14-Apprendre d'expérience, pitchée à vif
15-Viser très haut/La perfection souvent
16-Le manque de moyens
17-Les autres, en général
18-Le vide

Liste faite. Je ne me sens pas mieux, peut-être un peu pire. J'ai déjà consommé toutes mes calories - dang! Je boufferais bien juste pour rien.

Pour ne pas faire alarmiste, la balance me dit que j'ai perdu 3% de gras! Yes! C'est ça qui est le plus difficile à faire descendre. Je vous le jure.

Je vais m'imprimer un beau gros calendrier sur mon frigo et mettre dessus un soleil sur les jours en Floride, des montagnes pour les jours dans l'ouest, et je vais attendre que ce soit confirmé avant de mettre des bicylettes ou des moulins sur les autres jours de juillet. Comme ça j'aurai l'esprit en paix, je saurai toujours où je suis, dans le futur (c'est quantique).

J'ai pas aimé aujourd'hui, j'ai pas hâte à demain, je sais pas pourquoi je suis mal.

La vie, elle est belle quand même, bien sur.

Amourx

Ace

1200 calories may be a bit low for my 5 feet 10 inches. I get light headed, and I think that I'm losing 2 pounds a day - but I'm not checking. It's fun in a way, preparing special, little, meals dictated by a bargain book I picked up at Atwater Metro. No thinking, just going through the motion, like a test.

I've been a 'straight A' head since after I dropped out of high school, and after another false start in college (stop-and-go would be a good nickname for me). Since then I've been wanting, and often getting, nothing but AAAAAAAAz. I'm not sick, I'm not compulsive, nothing like that. I'm just a perfectionist for one half of all things. It feels so good when I get close to it. For the other half of things, I'm completely laid back and sloppy.

I'm going to Florida soon for a week of vacation were I will meet beau's mom that I never met in over 2 years. A Super fun trip mixed with a bit of nervousness. Meeting the in-law, Sun and Fun.

Two other trips back to back straight after that. I am smiling all the way to the back of my head. And you sooo should of been on my bike ride today, I swear.

Amourx
Katéri

Dang

I am still EMOTIONAL.

Olive

I made a new room. It has my faithful machine propped up at just the right height, a barely there chair, also perfectly ajusted. My brand new keyboard lies beside the computer, waiting for me to play it. My room has a window and a door with blinds that I can open and close. It has shelves and space for things. It's of a calming, dark olive green. The closet doors don't close just yet, because my gear of all kinds has been shuffled in there as I was creating space. It's not crammed, it's just waiting to be picked up. I make my rooms slow-ly.

It's quiet, except for the machine's infernal fan noise, and the occasional train (but I like the trains). Outside of the door, there is a balcony, and a few steps that take me to the future parking lot that I won't use. This week-end, they have put the grass in and planted shrubs and small trees in front and back of my home. I love my home. I will take my one plant back inside for the night.

I took Friday off which made sense because I was poorly. I am over the depression bout I think, I hope. At least what has caused it has progressed. And this is far more interesting than if I had kept things in. Better to have toxic out than toxic in, even if it disturbs (and I so hate disturbing!).

I don't know what comes next. It will be interesting to see if I will be traveling or not. And if I will be miserly or thrilled, edified or dumbified. I don't hold all the cards, but I will fight my battle if I must, as usual. Using my head, my heart and my own two legs.

In other breaking news today, I'm on a 'boot camp' diet. 1200 calories per day my friends. Very well balanced though, and with delicious, surprising, recipes. I do not feel deprived at all. Maybe a little light headed though. This is only for 10 days, then I'll move onto 1500 until I'm back to my normal size, then I'll move onto 1800.

A hole new room, enveloping and calming. Solid. Who would of thought!?

Amourx

Comme Édith

Bien que j'ai tout fait au mieux de ma personne, avec les failles qui vont avec, je me sens encore crasse ce soir. Ce sentiment est le plus vilain de tous, je ne veux que le nettoyer. Mais la vie est comme ça, sale. Normal, immaculée, elle serait beaucoup moins intéressante. N'empêche, je pense toujours à Lhasa, qui se sent coupable par habitude, comme nous toutes.

Je ne suis pas coupable, mais je me sens crasse pareil. Un petit pas pour la kat... Je préfère de beaucoup les fausses notes, les risques et l'inconnu, que le contraire. Surtout quand c'est fait pour une bonne cause. Me défendre, c'est plutôt nouveau. Et encore, je ne regrette rien.

Amourx

Tara.

Next

Well I'm waking up tonight in a bad place. Recent events at work has affected me much, I'm... depressed. And I looked at my bank account. Time to start budgeting, because I probably have spent for the next year. That's alright, I have reasons.

I am still in my condo, in my own peace. I have things to do for the next year even if i wasn't going to spend a dime. Even if I didn't work per say. Things to do for a life.

A position in Amsterdam was nearly offered to me, it got jinxed by the unfortunate recent events. I wasn't going to relocate tomorrow anyway - and this is what they would of wanted. I need time. I have to learn, an organization will care for itself first and foremost. It's not about me. I'm in charge of that part.

I'm definitely fragile. I had gained a calm assurance and a gigantic drive that came with experience, good relations, and drugs (the legal kind). I still have them, yet I feel like the floor was pulled away from beneath me. One relation has tainted everything else. I can rationalize that my equation is wrong, but I can't shake the feeling tonight.

Good things of today

The rain showers (really)
My boyfriend's joke
The clean, ordered clothes
The multiple coffees
The comfort of my home
The solo lunch break
Thinking of what comes next

Onwards, onwards.

Amourx.

Mousse

I did hear Archie say 2 words that he may have learned from me, today: Context and Error. Do I trust him more? No. That would be for another life (yes, that's over my dead body). For this one, I'll keep my stance: Pro-fes-sion-nal. It's Easy.

That's all - I am that simply content.

And happy about everything else I have - I am rich, like chocolate.

Amourx.

Revolution Nonetheless

This day is meaningful. Why? Is it random, like the proverbial box of chocolate? Is it moon tuned? Who knows.

It started yesterday, with a full-on argument with my new boss (also known as the plant). The things I heard, friends, aren't very good. But I wasn't surprised. Now the resentment he feels for me is out in the open. Me? I remained professional, even if I had a few tears during the shout out. The resentment I feel for him, well, it changed. I'm getting to know him, and I am surprised, impressed, dumbfounded, about his approach to work and to me. Apparently he has a charm side. I've just never been there.

It's not boring. I've been good at not caving into sadness and such. Cause even coming from someone that I don't exactly admire, the words did hurt. I keep checking to make sure that I'm not that lowly person. I reassure myself - his litany really wasn't founded. Then I feel the prickly stab of unfair - it's unfair! My critique to him is the same as I addressed to the company he came from (but maybe he was the problem?): all talk, zero substance. This isn't great ammunition.

People, this is war. It's going to be a cold one. A tranquil revolution as my people do, if you will.

Exhausting. But, that was yesterday! What did I do today? Why is today so meaningful?

Well I totally re-fell in love with my beau. He is FUN. AND, we talked about things we never talk about. Things that are confronting, like... adults! Well I never! I mean, 'confronting'. That wasn't even in my vocabulary, like, yesterday.

This morning, I reclaimed the last piece of property I had in my old apartment, a door lock. There, my old arch-nemesis, the owner, and I, talked like long time friends while beau unscrewed the lock and replaced it with a fill-in lock. I even earnestly gave pointers to the owner, showing him how he could take a wall down, make better use of the space here and there. He took note and seemed honest when he said that I had good ideas, that he had never thought of that. We gave each other a farewell and wished us luck. Civilization has turned upside down!

Well, I guess that I have a new person to worry about, but calling him arch-nemesis would be a bit much. I think that we're meant to look up to arches.

And the day beautifully finished with beau and I putting leaning shelves up together and placing the ladder in my bathroom, where I will finish the day in the most relaxing bath ever.

Did I say I spent 400$ today, without blinking.

I think that I'm onto something ;-)

Amourxxx

Self Stuff

Hints of despair are hitting me in the background - I recognize myself. The hurt girl with a life that I could only grasp with hindsight, and only by pieces, not enough to solve the puzzle completely. I've become so rational now. No. I have unwarped the formless ball of emotion that was my interface with the world. I learned to un-ra-vel things in their time, like space between words when you speak. This came late - but it pays back a lot. I don't cry very often now. I talk.

So i'm learning a few things about myself. I'm fast pace. I WANT stuff. I'm action and concrete. I Celebrate. I'm outspoken, of all things. I'm hungry, and I'm content. I am not so afraid, and not so lonely. Not lonely, I should say. I'm still very sensing and emotional, but that doesn't rule now, it assists.

The old me was too fragile, too hurting. It didn't work, for all the respect I have.

But today, I'm under the weather and immobile, and I feel stuff that I used to feel. Aaah, there it is, that old me. I'm gonna let her in. The sadness is here now. It was permanent then. It's an old (wise?) friend.

Going back into a ball where I don't have to speak, don't have to appear, just be on my own. And see what comes out of it.

Amourxxx

Récupération

Ma vie est parfaite maintenant. J'ai mon chez moi, et c'est la 'maison' que j'ai toujours voulu. J'entends les trains grincher dans ma cour et je les saluts. Le sud-ouest, terre de la coyotte que je suis.

J'ai de l'argent par ces temps de crise, projetée dans une position d'où je peu récolter les fruits d'un an de sur-travail sans trop d'effort. Ça tombe bien, ça me prendra bien un an à m'en remettre. Mon employeur est en croissance et il y a même des portes qui s'ouvrent outre-mer, où je suis chez moi.

Mon copain survi tant bien que mal à mes excès de distance et d'indépendance. Il est toujours prêt à aller où je veux aller.

Je prends un plaisir malin à être seule. J'ai hâte de m'y retrouver. La foule peut vider toute mon energie. On vient vers moi quand même, et je dis tout ce que j'ai à dire.

Je suis enragée-tranquille. Beaucoup de choses me révoltent et mon seuil de tolérance est bas. J'essai de laisser aller, et de me reposer. Je ne fais pas beaucoup de bruit, je ménage mes intervention.

Je lie comme une boulimique et j'achète tout ce que je veux sans problèmes. J'ai faim de quelque chose. Je perds le poids que j'ai pris lentement, et j'essai de rattraper tous les rendez-vous manqués. J'ai appris qu'une de mes jambes est plus courte que l'autre, de 2.5 centimètres!

Je suis hyperactive en pensées, je veux changer le monde. Mais je suis tranquille, et je lis surtout. Dans toute cette belle vie, il y a un rien qui me tracasse par excès de bêtise. ll me révolte. Ya rien a faire. Et c'est tout ce que je pense ce soir. Ce bête, cette bêtise, l'anéantir.

Scorpion, sors de ce corps!
Amourxxx

Fear is capital

I'm all about capital and love finding it where unexpected. Das kapital. You can't go wrong with that. It has little to do with money, which is transient in essence. Kapital is pure concrete experience that results in more agency for you. That would be my Kapital. I'm not sure what Marx's is anymore.

One thing that's fun about capital is that you don't intuitively know where it is. You think it's money, but this now appears to me as a pure distraction. I love that about life, always sidetracking us mortals. Lucidity, cleavage, I once noted that those where my arms in battle at one time. Well, that's capital. It's something that you just have, that gives you agency to move onwards and onwards (not to be mixed up with upwards, another distraction).

Lately i found one gigantic thing that i have, and this must be my biggest nugget of capital! I have a great degree of fearlessness. Now creating fear is common, extremely common (just pick up a paper, turn on the tv, its specially spreading these days. You best stay at home). It's totally used as a power tool. And it's easy because it's free. The anxious, the dominant, the lacking, and the perfectly find and dandy all have free instant access to it at all time. It's easier to pick up than free water in Canada, and it is at some degree capital. Little capital, though.

So fearlessness is BIG. I am not afraid, I challenge life. I say, live up to me. Death is a certainty and a mysterious passage, I will go when life decides, this isn't my call. Material? I have it. It would be hard to lose it. Career, I've never been one for that. People? Nopes, I am not dependent and I have capital in relationship that are so owned that I forget about that capital most of the time. But it's there of course, naturally. And if I where totally alone, completely alone, i would not fear, because i have been there too, and I am a friend to myself.

I am not afraid, so I stand here writing. And I need to claim it loud, because the little capital of fear is agitated left and right.

Love and beauty conquers all.

Amourx.