Grow

I am trying this live writer software, I think that I can get used to this.

These past weeks are eventful, hard, and I am persevering as best I can. Pausing this morning to tell you about it… on my new netbook (!!!!), on my lap, at my boyfriend’s place.

My netbook is totally adopted and may make me an even less sociable person in the near future. I need to return it though because a battery hinge is broken loose. I will get it in red this time (white was a bad choice). Until I pack it and send it back, I keep installing stuff on it and never part with it.

Soo my weeks… Big projects are not delivering and piling up. I am doing my best, but don’t think that I am holding all the balls up in the air. Good thing is this applies to my work and not my mind. It’s sunday and I caught a cold to add to the drama. Makes me slow down, not a bad thing.

Like last year my life is on standby until I get rid of these launches. It’s challenging and global media are waiting to see it happen. No pressure.

What was fun (and stressful) is that I did a shoot for a mini tutorial of my project. It was done on the cheap but I made it happen nicely. Then my editor went awhol but that’s another matter added to the pile.

I also had a warped interview for a senior lead strategist that of course didn’t go well. Let’s just say that I wasn’t prepared, and that the job was obviously not for me. I didn’t even know what it was truly. I wanted the contact with the lead and would like an entry position job, but, not ready.

Do I have time for this? Ha! This tells me that my current job does not leave me room to grow. And I’ve always wanted to grow. I need to.

I hold a small grudge for sensing that people think i can’t make it. My ego gets hurt, cause i think I can do almost anything superbly if it’s not sports related. But, they don’t have to believe this of course and ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Probably need a pause here. My gut wants me to go where I find peace and pleasure. My mind is a bit more ambitious. My body? Quite dead beat at the moment.

I need to persevere, than pause.

Amourx.

15 minutes chrono

Je me suis donner une chance en mettant mon cadran une heure plus tôt et voilà. Je me demande si je devrais aller au party annuel car, je ne me sens pas moi-même ces jours-ci. Je pense beaucoup - c'est peut-être la pression (certainement).

Alright English it is. I've been a bit of a wreck at least once a week and my thoughts are downers, plus I think of aging and that automatically makes me older which has ALWAYS been my problem. Always been too old to have fun and enjoy.

Anyway, I'll go to the party even if I have nothing to wear really. Spend a day and a night there in the snow - it should be fun you know. Just need to put on my right attitude coat. I must say that I would shelter like a clam instead, but I can't. Ok.

Things I worry about: my mood, my mental health, my energy, thinking that I should drop the pills completely, my extra fold on the tummy, my skin wearing out. Also my home, my relationship, my career.

This is just because I don't have 50% of my time to relax and do stuff that I like, I think. Anyway it's temporary and will last 3 weeks.

Then I will take a break, yay!

Gonna find a right attitude hat now, got to get dressed and enter the arena.

Amourx.

Booster

It's Monday morning and I'm definitely in need of a perk. You know, those happy mood booster things. I didn't sleep at all between Saturday and Sunday, so I feel cheated out of my week-end. I'm going in the office a little bit late as a starter, I need time.

The mood boosters really worked. Ok they often consisted of Things, like knee high boots and a purse that I want to fondle at night. The key is more to remember that I had some energy on Thursday-Friday and I used it well instead of lying on my couch in front of tv.

I also had a packed week-end with lots of fun, people stuff. To bad that I was a wreck on Sunday :(. The good thing, since I was receiving, I did the fasted possible clearing the stuff out of view and mock-cleaning humanly possible.

This week... I'd like probably to start moving more. I have a work xmas party next week-end. I don't want to wreck my body with drinks anymore. So there.

Wish me luck as I enter the most intense, crazy, weeks of the year. With all the wisdom that I have gained over the year(s) doing this job, it still kept me awake in the week-end. I'm hoping for a lot of nice, positive things to happen. I'll be on the look-out.

Amourx.

Glasses

Ok so maybe the clothing design business is a bit of a stretch, I admit. And I find it very funny that knitting is what jump started this lofty and crazy dream. Knitting is surely the most unproductive activity one can do business wise. That and maybe reading. And I love both. What can I say, I'm a dreamer.

But but but, I'm not looking at clothes the same way I tell you, and I have a plan. Note that most of my posts have a plan that I usually don't follow. I'm not practical, no sire. Anyway there is a top that I will make, but first I need to... clean up my place and clear out a sewing space and get a machine. I'm hoping to get that done this week-end. HA HA.

I've been trying to take care of my fragile moods and burned out body, and I found something that works well, that's what I wanted to write about. Work started again this week and it started hard as expected, and my mood was getting down and I was going through the motion like a machine. Get up, work, eat, sleep, and repeat. And the thoughts are all like, everything sucks, I suck, I'm not great... and then I think about other people and think, they think I'm odd, they hate me, I don't belong... That's the mood going low part that could go worse, and I didn't know what to do because I have NO ENERGY.

But I found perhaps a small way that seems to work. I try to do one thing, a very small thing, that makes me feel good. I try to think what that can be, what's doable considering the other stuff I gotta do and the little energy I have, but there is always something. I got me a pair of glasses! The one I lost in september, replaced :). Beautiful.

I walked around the block at lunch. I did my expense report and this evening I felt that I had some energy after work! So I walked on to the shops thinking that I would by a book, but I bought... GREAT CLOTHES! That my friends, is a rare and dear thing to happen unexpectently. Good quality, great fitting clothes. 4 pieces!

It works, I feel good. It may sound like retail therapy but it's not. I really have a problem finding and buying clothes, and I dress badly as a consequence, and feel rotten about it generally. Anything else would be just buying stuff, but not these clothes. These clothes are good for me.

I also bought a fitness mag. All and all, I feel a bit more pumped up, a bit more positive, and a bit more capable.

That's all,

Good night and Amourx.

Fire

Ok people - the plan has arisen. The A plan and the B plan are to run concurrently without conflict -- I am a project manager after all.

A couple of premises:
1- I want to keep my salary
2- I am sort of burned out
3- I have a burning fire for a kraft

Plan A: make a diagonal move within my agency (which I do really like a lot); keep the salary.

Plan B: It is a lifetime route that starts from learning the kraft to founding my own company. Right now it's learning the kraft time, the age of discovery. That's all there is to it. No deadline - this project is completely driven from the heart.

I know that craft is spelled with a c. I like spelling it with a k, because kraft means strength in German.

This is really tactical. I could write that I have changed, that I'm feeling a lot older, that I've folded up and resigned a bit inside. On the upside I am calmer, less distressed. I don't think that I can help any of this while I am burned. So I don't obsess about it.

I like the 3 day snowfall we're having. Inside it's really delightful.

Amourx.

Body

Do you know how much time I spent actually cleaning? I think I may have hit the 2 hour mark during the entire holiday season, and I'm being generous. You should get pictures, you would understand.

We think that there is some Asperger syndrome genetics running in my family. I went to wikipedia to see if that's what I have, cause I'm sometimes wishing that one thing, one word, could explain me. I read it through and no, I don't qualify. I have one or two traits, but that's allowed.

These days I have a fascination and complete self-immersion into knitting. I read about knitting constantly, and when I run out of print material (because I needed some time off from the internets), I read the pattern directions, I decipher the charts, I read the in-sleeve, I imagine knitting them with imaginary needles and yarn.

I created my own symbol set for my own charts of instructions. I spotted TWO errors in a brand new, advanced, beady-eyed cable socks pattern. I have never knitted cables. There is something there.

I've been reading The Yarn Harlot blog from it's beginning, in 2004. I am now at January 2005.

It's a very powerful draw. I think that it taps into a few things about me in a very neat way. First and foremost it is working with my hands, eyes, and mind, in that order. Knitting is a lot like computer programing, web designing, and project management which are all things that I am good at, but I can do it without programs and without a computer. That's where I'm loving it the most. It's also a thousand times easier to make a beautiful piece of knitwear, than to make a... web site. And really, who would wear a web site? How could you seduce with a web site? Who would give a website to a loved one? Give comfort with a web site? Make you beautiful? You see?

Secondly, it's creative design for the body. Meow.

I have to say I like the feel of fiber and the repetitive motions too. I do not like the abstraction of web applications or software design. The end product is not concrete, it's virtual and ephemeral, and that frustrates me.

One of the traits of Asperger syndrome is overwhelming interest in one thing; I have that sometimes.

This post was going to be about something else, but I digressed.

Amourx