Da good personal dark cloud

After spending all the holidays sick, I went back to work today and it wasn’t half as bad as I thought. It was even good. But going there was hard and today I am grateful that it went ok. Because lately I have been needing to flee big time, almost urgently, so unbearable are my conflicts. Then there are days like today where it just goes. I have to measure what is my personal dark cloud and what is me being in the wrong place. Both are true.

So as usual the good things need to be said. Some things are props for doing good things for me, makes sense?

-I washed a full basket of dishes

-I brought my lunch to work

-I walked back home for lunch

-The really real winter

-A quiet day

-No conflict where I thought there would be

-Sensing that things are more ok than I think

-Friends reaching out

-A quiet evening

Amourx.

Today

-A quiet morning

-A lot of sleep last night

-My man

-The lights in my christmas tree

-Better contacts at work

-Progress with a prickly situation

-Came home to a clean house and a salad

-Party tonight

Will have a tough day today… but it will pass.

Amourx

More good things

Because I need them, and I forget that I have them.

-The unadorned christmas tree, first ever to appear in this condo

-Beau who brought it in the house

-He is still the best partner ever ever ever

-A happy and motivated employee

-Good warm waterproof boots

-The very relative upkeep of my house

-My hip getting better

-The good food we prepare together

-My weekly vegetable basket

-My hair getting compliments

-Seeing my friend June who brought me gifts!

-Friendly folks at work

I am not feeling very well at work. I feel threatened and extremely worried about managing well and helping us grow out of issues. I fear I may be erased in the process - or erase myself - because of a dominating colleague. I have to make some hard decisions and am still spinning a wheel in motion and acting as firewoman for multiple fires. Also my grandma is in hospital and I am sad. Overall this is making me stressed at all times, tired when I get home, and sleepless at night. I’m writing here to check-in.

Amourx.

High Sun

A good things post is in order:

-2 glasses of wine sneak cheat

-Eating so supremely well my home cooked regimen this week

-Collations. And the way my boyfriend lover says Collation

-Him

-The high sun

-My new specialist and today’s talk

-The lovely note by my leaving employee

-A good quiet home at night

rAmourx.

So it is harassement

Might as well come to this realization now. It will help focus my energy away from hurting my own self. Anger will arise without tears. I will refocus energies. Keep intact as much as I can.

And there was the approach I use to have, where work was a game of chances and trials. See what happens if I take a deep dive here, here, here. It’s a game I’m used to win. It’s a game.

Amourx.

Is it harassement

My vis-à-vis reply in caps, or they bully.

I got a promotion and I am dealing with boys. I believe that they don’t like things being done as they should. I think I am being resisted in a way that is akin to bullying. I won’t get support from my boss. I don’t have support.

Its more juvenile at the top.

How much BS am I supposed to inhale, before I leave.

That is the question I pose.

Amourx.

Things to feel good today

Some to do’s are meaningful because they mean progress:

-get a meeting with financial advisor (and pick up my taxes, 3 years of them are done and this is 3 years of anxiety out ☺)

By the way I got a huge raise last week ☺

-call to get dishwasher and fan installation done.

Those two things are huge milestones. I will be 50 pounds lighter after this.

Amourx.

Home!

        I think I got it. Dream of a home!! A home with 2 floors and a basement, with a fireplace maybe. A home with a yard to enjoy. An old home, a new home, a home to live in and love in. A home to create, paint, fix, build, strip, entertain, educate, grow. A home that becomes my first life. A home where new dreams are concocted and life is re-invented.

I want a home.

Amourx.

If my home was my body

It would be on the small side. Compact. Hot, feverish even, very still.

My body would be… socially acceptable. Not comparable to my real body, which is probably on the upper end of socially acceptable. My home is a little bit more… socially borderline acceptable. Definitely shy, introverted and even agoraphobic.

Its pointless to compare with other homes, I am aiming for a baseline here.

My body would be functional. Everything is working here although my dishwasher has been broken for years, from the time I fell on the open door (a freak accident). So I hand wash dishes and lo, dirty dishes are part of the everyday, wether I stare at them or wash them. It’s one or the other.

So, if I went to the doctor with my home-body, I would pass the health test. But digging deeper, things will not necessarily be so good. I may be suffering of a depression or other mental illness. Lets dig deeper.

Hygiene. While my real body has a healthy regiment for hygiene, I’m not sure the home would pass the test. If the floor is my skin, and I wash the floor maybe three times a year, well I wash my skin everyday or two. My floor does not pass the test of proper hygiene.

Then again I sometimes wash areas of the floor, the centre of the rooms. the kitchen and bathroom, more often. Maybe this is like ‘lightly’ brushing teeth and washing hair twice a week. It would be ok if it was more frequent. You always need a thorough cleaning. For the body once a week can work for hair, nails, shaving etc. For the home… Is it once a month?

So if my home was a body it would be dirty. My clothes would have food spills and blotches, the clutter in my home. I would have zits and hair growing where it’s not supposed too. My hair would be big and tangled (just like in real life). The only reason I would not be overweight is because I’ve been wearing skinny jeans since 1983.

If my home was a body it would have no social skills. It would be abused by a controlling, dominating owner, that will not ever let it grow and evolve. It would never have company. I would never make someone happy for being in me, not even my evil, dominating owner.

If my home was a body, only a fraction of its potential is used. My home could be an open field, where new relations are made, and the world order drawn all over again. Most importantly my home could be where my people comes, rests, plays and reinvents the world.

Amourx.

The Big Uneazy

Hello there, it feels like it has been a while.

To tell you the truth, I have been feeling the very bad feelings of yore, creeping in the background. Feeling different, removed, probably rejected, sad, scared, immobilzed etc. Bleh.

There are no reasons, I have a fabulous boyfriend (but maybe I give him too much importance in my happiness?), the weather is so good it’s decadent. I have pleasant week-ends spent on bikes and I went to the beach and swam and suntanned. I have friends and a social life and a family. I have invitations. There are no reasons to feel uneasy but it’s there.

Even my job I cannot blame. I can say though that I don’t move, and I have to resolve that chop chop. I have succeeded in drinking less than 2 cups of coffee a day, I guess that’s good, but the other 2 things I wanted to do, which is to report here and to do 10 min. of exercise everyday fell through. And I really feel like crap about that.

I have nuisance things that I can get rid of bit by bit. And I gotta move more. Essentially, that’s it. I will start with my place.

Amourx.

All about beau

I would like to add a ranting bit, but it’s not the point. I am extremely edgy this week. Mostly due to work. It’s not working, I just figured out. This after firing and hiring. I don’t like to do this. I have remorse. I wish for a simple life.

Good things:

My beau beau beau beau beau

Hiring I guess

The house, the quiet

Drank only 2 cups, reported it

The weather

The coming week-end

The busy bees

Can I say that tomorrow is just one more day

And that I can have all the love

In the world

And see my beau

And be merry

and happy

love love love

Amourx.

Blooming

Good things:

The damp weather with smells that made me feel that I was on a trip. Brought memories of Turkey or traveling generally.

Riding my bike

Cash coming to me, from friends once on a trip with me

Gathered all my papers for taxes! <-- this is huge

Really literally, I have the cutest boyfriend ever to be seen in a bed or elsewhere

Spending the night in his arms

Worked damn hard

Hired someone!

Drank two cups of coffee only today, had green tea in the pm

In truth I have a lot going for me, but I still worry. Work is the biggest thing, but I think that I can manage it between work hours. Its should resolve soon.

I have minor personal worries, I can’t say much here, but I note them and will address them slowly.

I find that what weights on me are things that slip into time and never get done. That’s why I deserve a round of applause about my taxes! They are not done yet, but the yucky part is.

Fitness wise I’m not doing everything completely according to plan. I’m cutting me some slack cause I have a busy work life and a blooming love life. I will get there, I have faith.

Tonight I rest after a good days work. Tomorrow I will exercise. At night I will see my beau, cook for him I think. I count my blessings everyday (and if I forget, I mean to).

Amourx.

In the Eye, all is good

Good things:

The weather oh my god! Seeing the trees full of new leaves, the blue sky, the light, pleasant wind, the full warm sun all day, the days getting longer. Oh my god indeed, it was so pleasant.

Seeing my mom, and making a date with my grandparents in two weeks.

The evening out with beau oh my god again, as pleasant as the day is.

The delicious simple foods tonight

The quiet

Drinking no more than 2 cups of coffee

the Darjeeling tea and the petit fours medley

Driving

Staying calm in the eye of the storm

Amourx.

Break

I am enjoying the quiet of the evening. The days have been intense.

Good things:

The quiet

Doing the hard work

The nosh after work

The chat with colleagues

The chat with my girlfriend, plans for tomorrow

The chat with beau, my love always

The busy bees

The resting now

Had only 2 coffees

Reporting it here

Called my mom

Amourx.

Impromptue

Ok se soir ce que j’ai fait de bon et de pas bon:

Pris une photo de mes seins de proche, sur mon iphone
Rien a déclaré, ils sont gros et oblong
Mais tout les normaux que j’ai vu sont comme ça
On ne voit pas beaucoup de normaux en passant, il faut chercher
Quand j’ai voulu prendre mon visage avec, valait vraiment mieux pas cliquer.
J’ai pas cliquer
Mon iphone ne me rendrait pas justice.

Good thing of today:
Seulement deux café today olé!
Have been very ethical at work
Have worked an honest day
Impromptu Gala - would have been even better had we won. And we were led to believe that we won. Sat with the client not winning. That part was drab but for me it was all impromptu with dinner and drinks so it was ok. I have to give me kudos for representing and being there!
Good photo of me in the gala - props!
Socializing etc.

There was no 10 min. of exercise, there will be tomorrow
My other objectives are met
I can rest and sleep and be merry.

Amourx.

Resourcefulness

Underneath this happiness there is a sad one deep down, stressed by all the changes. I need to be extra good to myself and steer clear of the abuses. I feel tremendously guilty for not being on time on things and about my fitness. Something isn’t right and so I have to keep a focus on the good things.

Good things today:
Very delicious soup made of four ingredients: canned beans, potato, broth and onion. I love coming up with delicious from nothing.

As a side note, maybe my focus should be resourcefulness in all things. Making a lot from a little.

Other good things:
Talk with my colleagues at lunch, even if I admit feeling off, tired
Not drinking after work
Only drinking two cups of coffee all day
Cleaning my whole entire desk surface!!! Piles of papers in the dustbin! Loving this.
Busy bees at work making things run well
The quiet tonight
Beau’s calling and the fact that he cleaned my place a bit yesterday!

Things that are a bit massive:
Baby talk.

Amourx.

Safety

Again a lot of action in life, more than I can keep track of. When I get a lot of action, I need a lot of sleep. This week I am slowly becoming less busy at work, and that makes me worry. It’s my nature, that when I am not submerged, I worry about my role. Being busy pulls me in. I should be brave enough to take it. Take the slowness and just be normal.

At home, well, I had lost track of most good habits. I write here because I want them back. There has been a lovely trip to distract me. A lovely relationship to keep on surprising me. Drinking and eating much to much. Cleaning done for appearances and then that.

I don’t want to beat myself up. It’s too easy to do that. I want to ground me. Relax. Ride my bike while I can’t walk. Do one little habit at a time. Eat lovely meals.

The fact is that it’s hard to be taken by a wave at work, or what feels like it, then to adjust back when it gets normal. I have a lot of catching up to do. I feel guilty about bills and taxes. But I have been to the dentist, the generalist, and tomorrow to get my breast exam!

I think that the best habit would be to write the good things. Here goes:

-eating, walking and cuddling with beau for lunch

-the beautiful summer days

-biking for HOURS in the week-end

-taking the time off with no plans in the week-end

-be willing to listen and calm down tonight

-the quiet

-the busy bees

-the movie last night -- the iron lady

-my girlfriends life, on Facebook

-love and all that

-a safe, comfortable home

-overal health

-Happiness -- who would have thought!

I will try to have respite in my day life, slowly and quietly, keep a place for safety alone. It might be here.

Amourxxx.

Snap

Should I write everything now?

I’m in love

I work hard

I get tired

My home is a mess

I’m late with everything

I’m going on a trip

I wish I was a full time knitter

I have dreams bigger than I dare say.

I’m on the edge of happy and weary. A place I know now.

Amourx.

On Will

Aujourd’hui je termine la petite semaine no.1, et normalement je voudrais aller au gym pour en tirer tous les avantages notoires que je n’arrête pas de constater.

Mais j’ai un mal de tête et de la surchauffe de boulot dans le corps, et quand je me sens comme ça, ma volonté baisse, et je me suis accordée de ne pas y aller.

J’ai un peu de boulot de week-end à faire - tout ça me dérange mais je ne ferai pas de corrélation entre ce soir et le bout de boulot de week-end. J’ai pas mal de latitude côté boulot et j’ai de belles vacances à venir, et mon petit bout de chemin à faire reluire.

Non pour l’exercice, je me donne un break. Repos, repos, et ensuite on continu. Je vais quand même faire les exercice de physio, et c’est tout.

Trois événements fort sympathique et amoureux ce week-end. Souper d’amis, souper chez ma soeur à la quasi campagne avec toute la famille demain, et lunch de Pâques avec ses parents. Je me sens comblée et heureuse.

Amourx.

Small weeks

I am savouring a post-exercise moment now and need to record it. I was feeling worried and tense about changes and overload and pretty much anything that comes my way. I forget than I need to do some preserving of my sanity and come back in me.

I had to leave early and felt weary. But I went at the physio, a good thing, and then I worked out at the gym. All this helped me to unplug so to speak. It’s not super strong but I have this idea, this concept, of working for the week-end. Do what I do and let chips fall where they may.

I compensate too much.

Beau called and that made my day better. Tonight it’s all about the rest of my life, be it rest, be it other stuff.

It’s a small week.

Amourx.

A bit later and I entered all my measurements in Spark. It’s odd. I am 3 pounds lighter but I think this is because I used to weigh myself with wet hair the last few times.

My chest and waist are slightly thinner, say half an inch. So far this is pointing to small and happy hurray moment.

But the plot thickens. My neck, arms, thighs and calves are all bigger. I can’t attribute this to muscles (I can’t see past my flab to the muscles).

Maybe it’s sloppy self measuring, but I like to have an explanation and a positive outlook. I’ll say that I gained in muscles on my limbs and lost weight around the waist and chest. That would be a very positive way to spin it, don’t you think?

And I quite like the smaller numbers, slowly slowly.

Reading back I see a direct correlation between a workout day and wise thoughts about letting go and things that matter. I do get relaxed through exercise and it relieves my mind of it’s anxieties. This tells me I need to keep a good rhythm.

Ramourx.

Chopped Shallots

As you may have picked up if you come by here every now and then, it’s pretty hard for me to focus on one topic for this blog. It’s my outlet, and I notably out of focus, but there may be hope.

I hereby declare that in some time, like maybe in years time, I will get back to a more balanced life and therefore a balanced blog perhaps.

Back to the now topic - health, food. I went back into logging my food on Spark. I have also looked at SOS Cuisine which is a fab website for figuring out what to eat next. And upon reading on other topics related to antidepressants and sex, two things in which I take part very regularly, I decided to try a lower carb diet. I’m not too bothered with the loss of starchy food so far.

What I am very excited about is how decadently good my supper was. Sole with generous amount of sun dried tomato pesto and cheese, and chopped shallots. Worth a post about it.

With the actual sleeping and resting that I have done at the end of the week-end, and the workout yesterday, and the good eating, I am in a much better shape to tackle work craziness. In truth I have been at 50% for many weeks, always so tired. Now I finally feel better. Lets see how that goes on.

Amourx.

Enjoying the Deficit

Just a quick note of motivation, to say that I worked out really well today after work, and I ate super well too. It’s surprising the amount of nutrients in white beans. With tuna and spinach, even better. And now I rest, confident about my calorie deficit of the day, and happy.

I would like to add that I feel just heavenly now, in my body and even, believe it or not, in my mind. This is important to note, when it happens :)

Pang Evolution

Woha. Tonight is very interesting because it is Sunday, and I am staying home alone voluntarily to have a quiet night in. I knew I was stressed, i know that next week is going to be rough and rocky but perhaps not as bad as last week. This being Sunday is the day when I get that point.

Since my man went off to have drinks with his friends, I am happy to be in quietness, eating salad!, knitting, good stuff. And this is when I am feeling a burst, a splash, a PANG of stress growing in me ho hum. I wanted you guys to know.

Normally my week-ends are filled with excitement, love, food, great company and a bit of resting. Normally there is something special that I do. Dinner or drinks with friends, a new restaurant, sometimes a foray out of town. Normally there is a lot of drinking involved in my week-ends.

This week-end, there was a lot of good stuff too. But I kept it very tempered. I made a chilli and took it to the boys to eat. It was yummmy with 3 m's, and I had more to drink that I would expect (I should know better with these boys). The boys loved it too and our friend had some leftover for lunch tomorrow. The boys are my man and his best friend. I like to keep both happy if I can.

Beau got me a toothbrush for his flat and I joked that it meant that we are official now. Well it's almost four months folks. But we are solid and I love it. Today we walked about and looked at the shoppes. He found two lovely tops for me and even, one of them which is the nicest thing ever, he bought! AND we got some Polish donuts, Ponczki. As well as some Michalky chocolates. The name Michalky is a plural diminutive of his name. Therefor I have several small pieces of him with me. I could say that about him without the chocolates too.

Soon we are going on a well desired trip under the sun together. This should be lovely. So my life and this quiet week-end is not banal, even as I rest in the quiet and feel a pang.

I'll do my best, for the pang. I can see now how beautiful my life is. I can shatter pangs, I'm not afraid.

Amourx.

Adequation

I would be a knitwear writer, teacher and lecturer if this existed. I don't produce finished pieces very frequently. I can design on the fly, I have done it with a scarf, and I modify things on the go. I don't like to reknit so I often integrate mistakes as part of a new design element if I can get away with it. But none of this makes me a master knitter or designer. I would be a knitting scholar.

I am home being quiet and this is good. Work is very challenging and stressful, but I cleared the week-end of it and this is good.

Last week, believe it, I had a St-Patrick's party at my place. Can you believe it? Moi? And also, it was a complete success. I hosted with my beau, we are a great team. He helped me prepare my apartment and clean big time afterwards (way beyond my standards). Guests where friendly, brought food, had lots of drinks, and stayed until past 4 in the morning. One even slept on the couch, and the day after was tough as it should be. My friends liked his friends, and vice versa. I could not have dreamed up of a better scenario, and I am grateful, blessed, happy, everything.

It is the first time that I have people officially over for a party. It is a big step for me. And my beau is there all the way, in fact he was the enabler. I love him (and he loves me). My apartment is changed and I brought in a few pieces to decorate. All in all I finally feel adequate, socially. I took me some time.

I had to lapse at my fitness plan boohoo. The after-party, and the tempo at work made it hard for me to go to the gym after work. I have worked late and packed in double-duty days, in which I do twice the work in half the time, somehow, consistently. This rhythm should never be sustained for too long, but I am at that point. Help has arrived now and I will see an improvement, but right now, it's just all burn.

Tonight I wanted to hang in there quietly and not feel to sad/guilty about the gym. The intention is good, life sometimes gets in the way, and sometimes it's great stuff like hosting your own party too. I vow to let great stuff get in the way when it can, and have no regrets about it. Life is short and I am living it.

Amourx.

Anger Blooms

I have an angry streak, but it’s a beautiful day and I enjoy my 3 day week-end.

I wanted to track stress again here and there, and I know that I spend to much time in front of the screen, so choosing to write is paradoxical like many other things.

My stress is as usual from work. I see Monday and next week as tough, and I am thinking of spending time resolving work issues to help me handle the stress, during my 3 day week-end. That’s why I’m angry. I hope I clear out of this soon.

Also I am uncomfortable with my size. I’m becoming well camped in the plus size zone it seems. I have gained since I met my lovely man, and I was already big-for-me at that point. A good thing that he loves me well ☺

I am going to workout this morning, then meet my mom for lunch, then I will be free until I meet my guy tonight. Things are bothering me, I am worrisome. Hopefully writing and the day will help.

Probably a big step up and out, at work, is needed. Claiming more power, more money, and getting people to do what I do.

Amourx.

Sublime détente

Life can change in little ways. This is a thought that just passed, and I like the thought. I believe in this little thought. That very small things can generate small changes, good changes, that subtly cling to life and give it a new colour or light in time. Like a new light fixture in a living room, or clean floors and clean dishes at the same time.

Like a workout in the evening. And logging in what I ate (ouch) and how I measure (no surprise here, all the numbers are up compared to the last time I measured in september).

It's easy to be angry at all the things that I don't do. Things that don't ever seem to get done. Things that slip by because I don't have time, or I'm too tired, or I'm overwhelmed, or angry. But meanwhile the little things happen by the by.

I am by no means a well balanced person, outwardly speaking. Inside I keep a tend a good garden, I'm resilient and I have a few tricks under my sleeve for when it gets rough. Outside, I have a few spheres that are avoided as a rule, and some others that are forgotten when it gets hectic and when I am beat. Fitness got dropped a few months ago, but I am picking it back up now, lightly, as a little thing by the by.

Hosting in my house has always been avoided, but this theory is being crashed slowly. My man is helping me, and it is unsettling for sure. I am out of my comfort zone, and I am far from hosting. I am only tending to my home slowly, and it gets me in all sorts of tangled twists internally. I think this is normal yes?

Today I have dropped yet again the dose of the meds that I am replacing by another. I will be stopping this first med in 2 weeks. So far I don't feel the doom and gloom spectre so the transition is going well. I think the side effects that I am trying to avoid with this switch are diminishing, but it's still early days to say. I know that exercise will help.

I am very far from perfect and I sometimes have a hard time accepting it. I want to please and if I fail, I am not comfortable. I get uncomfortable when I know ahead of time that I will fail. That's my stress paradigm.

My body is very well relaxed after the little workout I had today, by the by. It doesn't care about all the thoughts and reflexion, it only care that I exerted it and now it's giving me thanks in the form of sublime detente.

Amourx.

Luminaires

Ce matin je me permets un peu de temps pour moi. Je viens d'avoir un flash travail, moi v et jf, on pourrait faire monter la coche en présentation et développement d'affaires. C'est noté.

Revenons ici maintenant. Mon fabuleux copain et on ami qui est aussi le mien ont installé le luminaire au plafond après plusieurs délibérations sur le filage, qui n'était pas habituel. Ils ont même demandé de l'aide par téléphone à un pro, ils sont même retournés chez home dépôt après que le deuxième dimmer ait sauté. J'écris ça parce que leur gentillesse et diligence est une rareté, et maintenant j'ai un tout autre éclairage au plafond, très beau. On ne peut pas mieux m'aider qu'avec ces trucs-là, je suis choyée.

Mon copain a aussi fait beaucoup plus pour m'aider, c'est un vrai amour. Je voulais aussi noter comment je me suis senti de faire entrer un nouvel ami chez moi. Car je n'invite personne sauf mes amoureux depuis un bon deux ans. Je suis complexée alors j'évite ça. Copain qui le savait, a fait un petit tour de ménage (c'est une perle) pendant que je travaillais. Ami est venu et ça a bien été. Seul petit heurt, quand il a pointé mon autre luminaire et ma peinture de plafond en avisant de le changer, ça a blessé mon amour propre car ce sont mes deux choix fait avec mes idées et mes goûts.

Donc ce matin je suis contente de cet événement et un peu chamboulée aussi. Pourtant c'était juste positif. Je vais y aller peu à peu, par petit pas, pour mon chez-moi et les amis.

C'est donc ce soir que je vais au gym. Je me suis rappeler ce matin de prendre ça doux au boulot, donc j'écris ici. J'ai pris vendredi de congé, je vais voir ce que je ferai ce jour-là.

Amourx.

Reporting

I am not at the gym. I am sitting in a dimly lit room sipping wine, waiting for the boys. The plans have changed because my beautiful man has taken it upon himself to install me a ceiling lamp, and the plans didn't pan out very well so he's bringing his good friend to help finish the wiring. That's why I went home instead of the gym, to assist and mainly to provide food and beverages.

I was extremely shy to show my home to other people, so you know what? My new man also took it upon himself to clean up. He made it all squeaky clean and I told him that he is my god. Now his friend will have come into my house, and maybe the spell will break.

Now before they arrive I want to clean some more. All is not loss of the day, fitness wise, because I still can take my measurements today and go to the gym tomorrow.

Stress wise, it's still tough at work somehow but I am taking Friday off (yay) and taking things day by day.

Amourx.

Recording

Well hi there, welcome to a new start for me. I don't know if I will keep track of it in this blog, in another blog, or on paper, but I will start journaling for a few reasons. It does me good and it's relaxing, I love to write, I find that it brings up wise thoughts, I want to keep track of a few goals and see how life progresses, and it will replace some time that is used to browse the internet aimlessly.

My main concern right now is the pressure at work, no big news right? But I took on a new role this year and my boss quit recently and isn't replaced, and my workforce is... lacking, my clients are dogs (ok one of my clients is a dog), my suppliers aren't delivering, and I'm scared shit. At least my mood is still good, but my energy is going away fast.

In the health department, I am suffering from exhaustion and a common cold that won't go away, it's been more than a month now. I am also waaay overweight because my lifestyle of late hasn't included any exercise, but lots of drinking and eating anything.

To help with all those concern I am starting a program at the gym today. I will go today after work for the first time. And I will write things down.

I'm not sure if I should write about my love life but it is going so good.

Amourx.

Deux

I'm turning here because I feel weak, I always remember to. There is a lot of good in my life, specially my new man who is still nearly perfect and who knows, may turn out to stay that way.

What troubles me is a great fatigue, and great stress too. It's a tough time at work and I need to work my way out of a bad situation. I need to breath in and breath out, and let chips fall where they may. It's the first time that I understand this saying. I always thought it was about crisps and didn't get it. Hehe.

I would be depressed, or heading there, but I am holding on ok if I let myself rest in the midst of a mess. I'm in the process of switching meds and currently am taking two different ones together, pretty high doses, so that may explain some of the tiredness that I get at work, it's a bit heavy.

I'm also on the pill and not really noticing side effects. But for fitness and food, it went bad since the fall and I haven't picked it up yet. I feel fat and the scales says it too, but I am well loved and this is a great thing indeed. I have had too many drinking nights and days but I am cutting off on that. I'm behind on all health appointment except that my meds make me go to the doctor's regularly. Income taxe, dishwasher repair, both are now years in waiting, well one year for the dishwasher and it is so ridiculous that I will get it fixed asap. Fuck it makes me angry.

But good things, my beau, my love, my heart sweet thing. My different clothes and boots. My spending habits. A trip, in a month, with my sweetheart. My condo and my beau got me a lamp rail and is getting my coat fixed and I got his suit dry-cleaned. Isn't this all sweet? One day he cleaned all of my home, all of it, more than I know how too, and I new it was true love from there.

The future is bright, possibly, since it is always brighter a deux.

Amourx.

Pharmacopia

I am thinking that I have to revisit my depths. Spend some time alone, figuring my body and my senses, my envies and desires.

But first I must say, loudly and clearly, that I have found my true love, as far as I know, as far as it may go, with no doubt about this man and me for keeps. This was the third spoke of the wheel that I put together: my work, my home, my love. I have all three today, now, and I know that I am blessed. I must remember that this, too, shall pass. But, there are many ways of passing, or transitioning, or evolving, growing, changing, moving, loving and living. I am a happy person. And happiness begets happiness.

Back to my body and senses, then. I have some disfunction, as you may know. Currently I am nursing a cold. It's only taking me to sleep and away from work, as far as symptoms go. This may be a good thing. I  am sensing the great barrier reef of stress not too far in the background (it has humongous destructive powers). This may be because I reduced my antidepressents - the timing coincides completely. It may be because I started the (contraceptive) pill, it can have similar effects, although if you read the list of side effects for the pill, anything and its opposite can happen.

I've reduced the antidepressant because they interfere with my sex life. I haven't noticed improvements, so I am investigating what can be done. I wouldn't lower my antidepressants again because the stress would kick-in and wreak havoc. I should meditate on why, why, do I accept all this stress. I could start acting like I did one day in high school, when I stopped caring about my performance and started having a life outside of school. This is a very new thought. I have never had this idea before, and I think that there is something there.

I will tell my doctor what the status is next week. He can change my doses and my type of meds. I have other answers for my sex life. Did some interesting reading on the Orgasmic Diet book - I will try it. I have started yoga and will pursue it of course. I need to do all this in baby steps. Baby steps. It is simply curious how my body is acting, and this is why I was thinking that I need to go in my body and senses for themselves, sola. What does all this expansion and retraction modulate, and how can it educate me?

I am patient with myself and so my lover will be too. Now resting every part of my body like it wants too, listening and not resisting.

Amourx.

Amour

Ladies and gentleman, I am in love. And I think that he is the one. And that he is for keeps. And it is the first time that I don't have reasonable doubt about a man's compatibility with me. It seems to all be working and flowing, and me floating.

I have never ever been able to write the first three sentences of this post in all my life of 38 years. It has been only one month and four days. We are moving fast but it is natural, and now, possibly we will slow down. Sip the drink rather then gulp whole glasses. We have been thirsty for a long time, and we were both ready to meet each other on that happy day.

You will excuse me for being sappy, but if you saw how my eyes are fired up now! Yours would be too. I am on a natural high and indeed I've reduced my dose of antidepressant medecine.

I was going to write about some worry, about how we are moving along and what to do to protect us, since we are holding a pretty rare and fragile thing. But I forget what it was. Maybe I am too enamoured. I will write again. Inspired poetry will come back.

Amourx.