Finalement

Projet livré. Succès complet. Je suis satisfaite mais épuisée. Je pense toutefois que je n'aurai plus autant d'anxiété devant ces situations dans le futur. Il faut juste que je demande de l'aide plus rapidement, plus souvent. Je suis une push-over, un peu.

La vie? La vie? Hola - moi qui la veut tant et qui la repousse, la reporte. J'ai été tout de suite mise sur un autre projet, plus gros, plus visible, plus sexy encore. Aussi exigeant surement.

La vie, la vie? je l'appèle ce soir alors que mon esprit tangue de fatigue due aux pilules et peut-être à la bière, ou à leur combinaison, ou juste d'épuisement.

C'est encore difficile juste de savoir quoi me mettre sur le dos; je grossi je crois.

Repos, repos, alors.

Amourxxx

Erreur

2 jours sans exercise, je retombe. Vaut mieux pas y penser. Pas y penser.

J'ai reçu de jolies fleurs aujourd'hui. :-)

J'entends l'orage, j'aime.

Je n'ai plus de médicaments.

Vaut mieux pas y penser.

Amourxxx

Day 3

Day 3 because I started to exercise 30 min. every day since two days ago. My mood is drastically different.

I am not so scared
I am much more tolerant of my limitations
I feel on the ball at work even if not perfect
I tolerate imperfection
I'm not unhappy
I'm more patient
The physical pressure i felt on my chest is gone.
I feel calm.
I feel grounded.

It's a good start. I'm not sure if my beer and pizza diet has something to do with it. ;-). My doctor augmented my meds too, but since I skipped a day, it's hard to tell if they're partially responsible for this pleasant mood swing. They have something to do with me not getting out of bed early though. Mornings are rough.

I had to prepare for failure because web site launches are doomed, they always fail at first. It's not surgery, no sir. Alas I am prepared. ha.

I am trying to EVOLVE out of this old anxious, sad, scared dress that I've been wearing since I can remember. I'm trying to be an optimist. ha. I'll keep you posted.

Amourxxx

Capitaine Fracasse

Je me bas. Je me bas contre mes habitudes, contre ma conscience et mes pensées car elles me détruisent et sont insupportables. Je me suis créée des craintes énormes qui fait que je suis toujours sur le qui-vive, réactive, et je vois approcher devant moi un mur qui arrive à toute vitesse. Et je ne peux rien faire, je vais devoir passer à travers.

Je souffre d'anxiété, pour être plus clinique. C'était rendu tellement aigue que j'en étais en quelque sorte paralysée, ne pouvant plus agir sauf pour regarder le mur s'approcher, la bouche ouverte. Et puis je suis rentrée chez moi, car je n'étais pas à la guerre, mais juste au boulot.

J'ai vu le doc, il a augmenté ma dose et m'a dit de faire de l'exercise 1hr par jour, 5 à 7 jours sur 7. Il m'a dit que l'anxiété est biologique. Boire un verre ou deux fait disparaitre l'anxiété, a-t-il dit à titre de preuve. J'ai recommencé l'exercice hier. Je me suis achetée une caisse de bière en sortant du cabinet.

Pour ce qui est de ma peur de l'échec, du ridicule, de mon complexe de l'imposteur, je dois juste me préparer à y faire face. J'y ferai face. Et si je rouspète, c'est que j'ai peur de réussir.

Amourxxx

hola

I do not want to be pathetic. i want to thrive. How? I have to work less hard and care less.

Amourxxx

Gone

My workload and responsibilities have increased exponentially week by week for the last 3 and this is a trend that's not going away. It's damaging for my health and state of mind that is already fragile. I'm exhausted.

On Friday, 2 co-workers offered their help and i am so grateful. I am offended that my superiors hope that i resolve every problem I've run into and that caused me to work 10 hours a day and on week-ends at no extra cost. Never mind the damage it's doing to my sanity. You want me to do more and pretend that it's a piece of cake? You don't care what it's doing to me? I see.

This is probably a No Go for me.

In the meantime it's Sunday today and I am trying to recharge. I'm worried about next Sunday. Already I speak to myself outloud in the corridors at work sometimes, I have heavy mood swings and my sleep is not great. I'm dreaming of pulling the plug, resting, are starting over in a different career.

I schedulled an important meeting Wednesday morning. I have an appointment with my doctor who's treating my mood disorder condition, on Wednesday morning. Who will win? The entire 'rest of my life is suspended' right now.

Thank god I have a good book to take me to bed (eat, drink, pray). I still have my beau too. We saw two good stand-up comic shows last night. Cheap last minute tickets. Good idea.

Today my mission is to make my home smell good and rest.

Amour xxx

My friend

And I thought this blog would make me, like, popular and all.

Nah. Its just me with my friend beer not having a life. I just need to write down that i have to talk to someone before our relationships blows up in a mess for no reason. And for reasons of Me working too much sometimes for no-thing. ho-hum.

Can't wait for the break that will come after this wave baby.

I guess that's the spirit.

Amourxxx

Bruit

Ça a relativement marché. Ce week-end, pour me reposer, j'ai réussi à fermer les inquiétudes. Ce n'est pas des inquiétudes, c'est plutôt des marteaux-piqueurs.

J'y suis retournée aujourd'hui. Marteaux-piqueurs. Je ne me sens même pas normal. Je déborde de partout. Et je suis fatiguée et abrasive. Le pauvre mec sur qui je tombe avec mes marteaux-piqueurs. Je suis mure pour l'asile.

Et l'été dans tout ça.

Basta. Rendez-vous chez le doc le 12 août à 8hr.

amour (même si je le sens pas vraiment).

32E

One day I'm going to die, I think it's time to indulge.

I just went to a specialized lingerie and swimwear boutique on the high street. Big moment that was. The bikini I chose was nearly 200$. The simple plain bra that I asked for was inexpensive, but the young salesperson was really helpful in finding my size :: 32E! I swear I don't look that disproportionate! I'm tall and I think that I have average-big boobs and am lean in general.

My bras have passed there wearable time and my boobs were not happy. My breasts were just covered with the fabric, popping out whenever. Needless to say that doesn't look good in any top. Amazing what a good bra does to you.

As to why I chose the most expensive bikini, well, it made me statuesque. At least from the front which is where my face is too (bonus). My bigger cellulite-prone thighs didn't look that bad either. How much would you pay for statuesque? Right.

I hereby declare that i will always wear noble garments starting by the most important part, the bra, the foundation. The underwear will follow. Everything will follow in time. I'm 34 for a few months still, I won't wait until I 'do better' or marry a handsome prince. I'll do it now. Wallet shmallet.

I'm also drinking Coke now. The complete full calorie and caffeine thing. Girl want's a pick-me-up, girl gets a pick-me-up. There's no time to be perfect. It's time to have fun!

Amourxxx

madness

The star alignment is Not Helping. Its 5 am and I am sleepless. Severer mood disorder in the forecast. The cause is work. I'm so tired. Vicious circle I'm in.

I will share my Angst today - it's keeping me awake. I have a plan for one thing. The rest i resent - having to work all week-ends and evenings, you know?

I am doubting myself even. Clearly not thinking straight right now. Would like to be restored.

All I can say is that days sometimes end up in a suprise.

I hope it's a good one.

K.

6 months

Stealing morning minutes. I just had a lightbulb moment : if possible, one should avoid working in management in the summer. There is really nothing to be done when everyone is away.

It's raining. I know that those are my few minutes of peace today. I have a headache since yesterday - too much sun perhaps. I'm feeling out of shape and fatter than I would like. 34, that's what it does to ya.

If i had a kid I would tell him to get a summer job outdoors - I enjoyed my summer student job even if I didn't know it in the moment.

I have no insight. I am jealous of others but that doesn't help. My future psychologist left a message on my machine :-). I didn't reply yet, but he says that I can't see him before august which is fine by me.

The rest of my head is empty, it's geared for heaps of work only. I must get renumerated for that. And take classes. And get my 4 month late evaluation. And take days off.

In truth I need a six month break.

Amourxxx

Planche

Retour au travail difficile, j'ai du claquer un 12 heures. L'accalmie ne s'annonce pas. Ce genre de chose fait tomber les habitudes. J'ai rien de prévu au social, pas le temps de m'entrainer, je suis bonne pour faire la planche devant la télé et c'est tout.

Ce qui a été bon: le parc marécageux; le parc plein d'enfants et le bain de soleil au bord du lac, hier (ma seule journée vacancière). La communication avec la rédactrice (faudrait bien que je lui dise). Le sentiments que le travail derrière moi est bien fait, que je suis au-dessus malgré tout (et il y a un gros malgré car je ne suis pas sortie du bois).

C'est tout. J'essairai de m'occuper du social demain. Pour le reste, je ne veux rien promettre.

Aujourd'hui, le réveil a été très dur, j'étais très endormie. Humeur: 5;
Ensuite, ça a ossiller de 3 à 5. Mon irritabilité est très haute. Maintenant je suis fatiguée.

Amourxxx