Impaired

Now I'm still fearsome. I have this discomfort hanging out with me, in me. I am judging myself harshly to a point where what i do becomes a failure all the time. There's a realm of factors that affect my mood, and I have this auto sabotage thing. I hate that it isolates me, like a turtle, I just want to rest alone, away from things I despise doing for all the crap I throw at myself.

My colleagues are nice and kind, but it's so much easier not to interact. I get all worked out. This is the situation that is abnormal, that will pass, as it has in the past.

And I am accepting too. Because I don't want to write "have to" or "should" accept, but that's the case. Accept that this is all in a realm I don't control. That I need to take care of myself first.

So I had this inner stress all week-end and yesterday, physically feels like my inners are heating and melting, is the best way I can describe it. I breath with it. And I took a numbing pill on Sunday. It numbed me tired, not much else.

My period came one week late.

I bought beautiful clothes with beau. Thankfully. I feel so impaired sometimes that I wonder if it's to do with my mental condition, that I can't procure clothing for myself. But that may be a harsh judgement.

I saw friends, I had a third interview, I'm onboarding on a new exciting client, I went to school, one of my account is difficult, people wise and because I'm remote from everyone in Toronto, and I can't travel much now that I have school. And I'm still uneasy, unfitting with my current team of which I'm not a part of, of which I feel accessory and expendable for real.

I don't eat as well and I feel bigger, but I'm not pregnante.

Some deceptions don't need more than a phrase.

Amourx.

The State of Everything

Hey there,

I would like to write from the inside out like I do sometimes. It's fairly nice inside me, stable at the centre, and worn at the extremities. There is always an inflammation around the head, a lack of hydration or what not. And the fatigue that is probably quite normal.

Hmm this is not what I meant! For being cryptic I apologize. Writing from the inside is speaking from the emotions and the visceral things. Love. Fear. Feelings and how words make things up by themselves. Lyrics. I will get back to that - it's hard when you are studying the language very rationally three nights per week.

Then, I understand that I can let others, the world, do choices for me and just wait. I don't control everyting. If I was laid off I would have insurance.  I thought of being a slacker. I think my standards are too high, about what I should give and what I should preserve. And I have a slew of weird rationalization that are making this journey hard. It's called mental illness and I prefer the quainter mood disorder name - words have so much power.

Yesterday two things happened. I was invited for a third interview for another job which is quite the reverso of my current job. And, I was asked at my current job, if I would like to take on a very interesting position for a very interesting client IN THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY.

That was a bit too boldly written, since my role doesn't involve an inkling of travelling and is really about how we locals want to travel. But it could be a new job at my old job type thing.

In school well I'm enamoured with the French grammar class, disappointed that the English class level is way to easy for me, and following along Linguistics which is something I already did in the past.

I'll leave the state of everything fall where it may.

Amourx.

Mon Diamant

Je vous écris sous le vacarme d'un ordinateur qui grince à très hautes décibels.

Semaine mouvementée! J'ai eu quelques rendez-vous, trois, en plus du boulot et de l'école. Je crois que je suis au centre d'un diamant car il y a beaucoup de belles directions à prendre qui scintillent, alors que moi je suis é-pui-sée au centre et je les regarde.

Vraiment, les 2 derniers jours, voir la semaine complète, je ne pouvais travailler, me concentrer, faire une action après l'autre au boulot de jour. Je suis dans un marasme, dans l'oubli, dans le pas de la porte. C'est dur et c'est gênant. J'ai du dormir tout une avant-midi avant d'aller travailler, je vais d'ailleurs voir le médecin lundi prochain (un énième rendez-vous) car ce n'est pas normal, et j'ai du mal à tolérer les heures qui passent.

Puis j'ai eu des entrevues avec une autre firme qui sont bien allées. C'est l'antipode. Le choix s'il me font une offre pourrait être évident, mais...

J'essaie toujours d'avoir un enfant d'un mois à l'autre. Et je vais à l'école le soir pour me réorienter dans un autre domaine. Et sans oublier ma fatigue ici présente. Est-ce sage de changer de travail à ce moment. Ou juste prendre congé...

Je suis la principale salariée à la maison. Je n'ai que mes ressources personnelles, pour subvenir à tout ça. Je n'ai pas de pécule, de parents ou de mari qui puisse me couvrir pendant une période plus ou moins longue. Et je suis responsable du bien-être de ma famille avec ou sans enfants.

Pardon de vous donner un mal de tête un samedi matin.

Bref, je suis fatiguée et au plus simple, j'ai un malaise face à mon travail de jour.

L'école de soir, j'adore. Je ne la lâcherais pas pour rien au monde.

Ok c'est dur le soir la concentration et tout, mais pas grave hein? On absorbe, on apprend. C'est fabuleux les mots. Et les autres étudiants sont comme moi, studieux, curieux, concentrés, motivés et avec une vie de jour bien chargée qui peut nous donner quelque cernes. J'ai trouver ma maison.

Les autres soirs et week-end je fais mes devoirs attentivement - j'ai tellement à apprendre, c'est fou le moment où l'on voit qu'on était celle "qui ne sait pas qu'elle ne sait pas", la grammaire française particulièrement. Maintenant je le sais. Je lis une grammaire de niveau "rattrapage" en parallèle de mon cours. Je magazine les ouvrages de référence. Je me plais beaucoup dans cet univers.

Et puis je m'assoupie dans les bras de mon amour. Qu'elle chance j'ai avec cet homme, comme on s'aime.

Amourx.

Cynical Youth and the Turtle Reflex

La vie passe en rafales. I'm learning that my French grammar is excécrable. Well, there is a lot of learning to do, often by heart, of the details - the very minute details. Not my strong suite and I have spent most of my life being flippant about this. How cynical a youth I was. How's that for a phrase.

Tired me today. Stressed as usual. My fear is now... a bit of the same. Not finding my ground at work, worried about getting my head cut off. I'm having the turtle reflex, keeping locked in, and nothing will get me out of there - I still can't figure out how to talk to my boss. But I just thought of her as my little sister - that may be it. Also need to ask someone else about some feedback, for god's sake. I know my job is all about maintaing the channels of communication, but the turtle reflex is too strong.

At the same time, I have had the great gift of being referenced for a job opening somewhere else. I have an interview this week! Well... that's something quite significant and big. My old colleagues who reached out say they love this place because it's balanced and everything. And with the summer I have had, it's not a bad idea.

This could stress me more but I'm more worried about energy, how to take the time off for the interviews, etc. Juggling school and this and that. What to wear.

Inside oh I don't know. I get the channels of guilt and fear going through me at times, and I try to breath through them and figure them out. They are elusive when I do that. It's been hard to handle the quiet times, the little nothings. I spend my free time with beau doing bike rides or watching movies.

Very simple and unglamorous, and in this simplicity I do panic about what's next, what should I be doing, why am I not in euphoric bliss somewhere beautiful... or why am I not working at something I should to advance my state of being in this world. Well maybe that's what I'm doing, just resting.

Amourx.

Filon

Dear reader, the 2 or 3 of you. I apologize for changing languages at no notice from time to time. It's how it comes to me. One day if I'm asked, I will translate :).

Alors... nouveau et premier cours hier soir. Mais tout d'abord, reculons un peu. J'avais vraiment les bleus la semaine dernière. Jeudi, vendredi... Me sauver du bureau incapable de supporter d'être là, avoir honte, être figée dans l'inaction. Samedi prendre les devant pour choisir une excursion dans un spa aménagé dans des rochers et boisés magnifiques, avec une amie et mon amour. Dans ce contexte idyllique, je stressais sans fin, le moteur n'arrêtait pas. Dimanche visite chez mes deux mères, une après l'autre, leur dire que ça n'a pas marcher le bébé. Je savais que ça serait le creux.

Puis subitement lundi, je me suis mise à être mieux. Ya pas de logique.

Je surveille ce filon tout doucement car il peut partir à tout vent. Ça a été le cours hier, je peux pas dire le contraire, et ça semble gérable. Je martienne curieuse là-dedans, venant de la planète pub, observant c'est quoi aller tout doucement.

Amoux.