costume

Good things
The world didn't collapse
friendly folks at new work
friendly colleague
lunch conversation with nice girls
paartys (since I have to get into it)
trois pistole
thinking of a costume
waiting for my package that is there but the damn post office closed.
ability to relax?
don't know...
luv xx

Odd Number

Good things,
a package on it's way
the short way to work
the nice people there
mad men
the glass of wine, the pills
the boyfriend calls
the friends call
the sisters
the partys

I'm a bit stressed for nothing
enjoy the paarty and put on a happy face
someone is turning some odd number of years
soon.

amourx

Esteem

I have a new job! I started today. That is only one half day. And it is fitting that i am drinking alone on a Friday at this time, which is 8:30 if you must know. I am watching Mad Men, saw 9 episodes. Love it. And my favourite is Betty. I always like the quiet ones. It makes me think of my mom too. Of my mom and dad, when they where a couple (that was before my time).

I had, before today, been not working for weeks. Well i did show up at my old work last week to wrap up and say goodbye. But other then that it has been weeks of resting for me. And in that time, I have transformed a bit. I lost weight. My friend August said I looked some 20 pounds thinner. That's great but I know the scale says only 3 pounds or so are gone. But I fit in more types of clothes and I'm starting to have my figure back.

On the inside, I went through several changes. First there was some kind of paralysis mixed with self loathing. There was only me facing my self esteem and it was low. Then there was a long period of fear. The whole transition was guilt laden for me. So it was either fear of being caught or guilt of doing something wrong, all the whilst I wasn't doing anything.

I read books and I saw a specialist. I requested some pills from my doctor and worked up my prescription. I started to see things differently. I started to workout, seeing that I had all that time. I restarted to knit, and immersed myself in it almost none-stop.

Then some sure fire sign that I am getting better, I'm buying stuff. I found shoes, and boots. One pair of each, and a couple outfits for work. I fit in nice dresses now. I purchased an order of 5 or so knitting books and a hole new set of needles. I went to the restaurant and had massages. I also held myself back at times.

I went through deep despair and high hopes, and I landed a good job. I prayed in my way, fingers crossed, kissing god. I put all of me in a clear sound place, and I pretended that I was a tree. I didn't know how many kinds of trees there were, and how they felt before. I saw some light, I did feel it and see it shine in me in a ray.

I carried fear along with me until it was unbearable. I talked about it and saw no end to it. I thought that I was doomed, until one particular morning the solution came to me straight, and as soon as i had it I felt free. And I soon as I put it in place, things have unraveled superbly for me, and I am couched in a new job after a goodbye to the other. And I have said goodbye and had closure. And I have said hello to-day,

I have started this alone, and I have been alone. I have seeked to be alone. Tonight I finish this all quiet alone. Glass of wine. All the literature, craft and culture at my fingertips. I ponder on the meaning of alone. I will keep praying in my way.

Amourx.