Pride and Predjudice

Hey so why not another loverly post almost in 2020. Dare I say I started being Girl in a bottle at least 15 years ago and here I am, still drifting.

Of course, I'm writing from a place of crisis. But in mid-life it's not as life-threatening as it was at 30. I've gained balance in life over the years with experience of my particular kind of mental illness - a very functional mix of high anxiety and destructive self-thoughts leading to, if I'm not careful, dysfunctional depression in a very dark place.

But I'm not there. Right now I'm in the anguish bit. I adjusted my medication, I went to the acupuncturist, the trainer (who ended up massaging my skull last time), and to the spa. Above all, I'm not alone. My fiancé is there and has been so supportive, he has fed me every single meal and filled my cup of water, tea, and wine for the last seven days. He cleaned the whole house. It's not always like that but today it is and it matters.

I feel no stigma anymore because why would I and time have changed, people are more open about mental illness now. I feel no hunger either but I understand that my body is busy managing containing a panic, a meltdown. 

Writing has always helped. This illness is linked to circumstances. It happened very quickly, I started work at a new place, it was October, and my entire body resisted the rhythm, the demands of this particular client. I fell in five days into unsettling anguish. I'm now managing it but I'm still in that contract possibly for months unless my ego decides to fold and let me quit. I am divided between my entire body and soul reaction to this work and my ego, my pride, at pretending I'm a robot or a happy executive that performs super high all the time.

I have to deal with my all or nothing bit where I feel stuck. I don't hate all of advertising, all of agency work, all of freelancing. But right now I'm impaired, or feel impaired, at doing the work well. I'm a perfectionist so I question should I leave now? Let them hang, have them despise me? Lose a client. Feels relaxing. Maybe it's not throwing everything out but just this one.

If I continue I will probably ride the bad part hurting but they won't know. Then I will maybe be very successful but I wonder if it will wear me out. I wonder what is the meaning of this. This hate-fear I feel now. This job, what is its meaning?

That's where I am today and I don't have the answer, and that's ok.

Amourx.