Revolution Nonetheless

This day is meaningful. Why? Is it random, like the proverbial box of chocolate? Is it moon tuned? Who knows.

It started yesterday, with a full-on argument with my new boss (also known as the plant). The things I heard, friends, aren't very good. But I wasn't surprised. Now the resentment he feels for me is out in the open. Me? I remained professional, even if I had a few tears during the shout out. The resentment I feel for him, well, it changed. I'm getting to know him, and I am surprised, impressed, dumbfounded, about his approach to work and to me. Apparently he has a charm side. I've just never been there.

It's not boring. I've been good at not caving into sadness and such. Cause even coming from someone that I don't exactly admire, the words did hurt. I keep checking to make sure that I'm not that lowly person. I reassure myself - his litany really wasn't founded. Then I feel the prickly stab of unfair - it's unfair! My critique to him is the same as I addressed to the company he came from (but maybe he was the problem?): all talk, zero substance. This isn't great ammunition.

People, this is war. It's going to be a cold one. A tranquil revolution as my people do, if you will.

Exhausting. But, that was yesterday! What did I do today? Why is today so meaningful?

Well I totally re-fell in love with my beau. He is FUN. AND, we talked about things we never talk about. Things that are confronting, like... adults! Well I never! I mean, 'confronting'. That wasn't even in my vocabulary, like, yesterday.

This morning, I reclaimed the last piece of property I had in my old apartment, a door lock. There, my old arch-nemesis, the owner, and I, talked like long time friends while beau unscrewed the lock and replaced it with a fill-in lock. I even earnestly gave pointers to the owner, showing him how he could take a wall down, make better use of the space here and there. He took note and seemed honest when he said that I had good ideas, that he had never thought of that. We gave each other a farewell and wished us luck. Civilization has turned upside down!

Well, I guess that I have a new person to worry about, but calling him arch-nemesis would be a bit much. I think that we're meant to look up to arches.

And the day beautifully finished with beau and I putting leaning shelves up together and placing the ladder in my bathroom, where I will finish the day in the most relaxing bath ever.

Did I say I spent 400$ today, without blinking.

I think that I'm onto something ;-)

Amourxxx

Self Stuff

Hints of despair are hitting me in the background - I recognize myself. The hurt girl with a life that I could only grasp with hindsight, and only by pieces, not enough to solve the puzzle completely. I've become so rational now. No. I have unwarped the formless ball of emotion that was my interface with the world. I learned to un-ra-vel things in their time, like space between words when you speak. This came late - but it pays back a lot. I don't cry very often now. I talk.

So i'm learning a few things about myself. I'm fast pace. I WANT stuff. I'm action and concrete. I Celebrate. I'm outspoken, of all things. I'm hungry, and I'm content. I am not so afraid, and not so lonely. Not lonely, I should say. I'm still very sensing and emotional, but that doesn't rule now, it assists.

The old me was too fragile, too hurting. It didn't work, for all the respect I have.

But today, I'm under the weather and immobile, and I feel stuff that I used to feel. Aaah, there it is, that old me. I'm gonna let her in. The sadness is here now. It was permanent then. It's an old (wise?) friend.

Going back into a ball where I don't have to speak, don't have to appear, just be on my own. And see what comes out of it.

Amourxxx

Récupération

Ma vie est parfaite maintenant. J'ai mon chez moi, et c'est la 'maison' que j'ai toujours voulu. J'entends les trains grincher dans ma cour et je les saluts. Le sud-ouest, terre de la coyotte que je suis.

J'ai de l'argent par ces temps de crise, projetée dans une position d'où je peu récolter les fruits d'un an de sur-travail sans trop d'effort. Ça tombe bien, ça me prendra bien un an à m'en remettre. Mon employeur est en croissance et il y a même des portes qui s'ouvrent outre-mer, où je suis chez moi.

Mon copain survi tant bien que mal à mes excès de distance et d'indépendance. Il est toujours prêt à aller où je veux aller.

Je prends un plaisir malin à être seule. J'ai hâte de m'y retrouver. La foule peut vider toute mon energie. On vient vers moi quand même, et je dis tout ce que j'ai à dire.

Je suis enragée-tranquille. Beaucoup de choses me révoltent et mon seuil de tolérance est bas. J'essai de laisser aller, et de me reposer. Je ne fais pas beaucoup de bruit, je ménage mes intervention.

Je lie comme une boulimique et j'achète tout ce que je veux sans problèmes. J'ai faim de quelque chose. Je perds le poids que j'ai pris lentement, et j'essai de rattraper tous les rendez-vous manqués. J'ai appris qu'une de mes jambes est plus courte que l'autre, de 2.5 centimètres!

Je suis hyperactive en pensées, je veux changer le monde. Mais je suis tranquille, et je lis surtout. Dans toute cette belle vie, il y a un rien qui me tracasse par excès de bêtise. ll me révolte. Ya rien a faire. Et c'est tout ce que je pense ce soir. Ce bête, cette bêtise, l'anéantir.

Scorpion, sors de ce corps!
Amourxxx

Fear is capital

I'm all about capital and love finding it where unexpected. Das kapital. You can't go wrong with that. It has little to do with money, which is transient in essence. Kapital is pure concrete experience that results in more agency for you. That would be my Kapital. I'm not sure what Marx's is anymore.

One thing that's fun about capital is that you don't intuitively know where it is. You think it's money, but this now appears to me as a pure distraction. I love that about life, always sidetracking us mortals. Lucidity, cleavage, I once noted that those where my arms in battle at one time. Well, that's capital. It's something that you just have, that gives you agency to move onwards and onwards (not to be mixed up with upwards, another distraction).

Lately i found one gigantic thing that i have, and this must be my biggest nugget of capital! I have a great degree of fearlessness. Now creating fear is common, extremely common (just pick up a paper, turn on the tv, its specially spreading these days. You best stay at home). It's totally used as a power tool. And it's easy because it's free. The anxious, the dominant, the lacking, and the perfectly find and dandy all have free instant access to it at all time. It's easier to pick up than free water in Canada, and it is at some degree capital. Little capital, though.

So fearlessness is BIG. I am not afraid, I challenge life. I say, live up to me. Death is a certainty and a mysterious passage, I will go when life decides, this isn't my call. Material? I have it. It would be hard to lose it. Career, I've never been one for that. People? Nopes, I am not dependent and I have capital in relationship that are so owned that I forget about that capital most of the time. But it's there of course, naturally. And if I where totally alone, completely alone, i would not fear, because i have been there too, and I am a friend to myself.

I am not afraid, so I stand here writing. And I need to claim it loud, because the little capital of fear is agitated left and right.

Love and beauty conquers all.

Amourx.

Free Radical

Not so pretty is the way
the hamster goes in his wheel
The earnest creature of them all
we like to place it in a ball

And watch
the beast wrecking havoc
like a free radical
but still contained
unknowingly displaying
It's nature to us

*****I'm not sure where I was going with that hehe. Maybe have to do with the fact that I am considering getting one of those.

I am reading about cells and galaxies, not in the same book. Food fit in there somewhere cause I am INTENSE and if I am going to lose my extra flab I'm going to learn every single detail about nutrition that there is, and I'm down to the atom level cause the general rules are basic and have been covered. As much as I care about things being real and not waisting time on this planet for the time I have in this body, I wanna look good in it. I'm glad I got that off my ballooning chest.

This too shall pass Is my favorite motto. Good OR bad, it's all good if the button doesn't get stuck on repeat.

I'm uncharacteristically happy, these days. With little, really. But the infinitely small is not to be underestimated.

Amourx

Mutiny

I've just been placed straight into a Dilbert cartoon at work, and I don't belong there. I have to blow that thought away now.

Meanwhile the rest of my life is going superbly. I hear the train passing behind my new, cozy home. How I love my home? There are no words. My voice came back too. I am verbal and my thoughts are limpid. I move forward like the train behind my home, steadily and reliably. Life has gotten easier. I have moved onwards, and I am happy.

But still physically, the energy is low. See first paragraph as for the why. Today, I have learned that my right leg is 2,5 centimeters longer than the left one. So that was why walking hurts, and the not so classy walk too.

I HATE being mis-interpreted. I HATE basic ignorance, and crass politics too. So, I may well move onwards and onwards, as I do, like the train.

Amourx

D-7

This winter has brought back the drinking gal in me twice, at least. And twice did I get too randy with some... to the point that I hurt beau, and that beau hurt the other. I am not proud, but guilt is very much useless. Alcohol and these meds are a recipe for danger. Noted.

I am pretty happy. Last week I saw my condo for the first time and it is P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I also secured my mortgage and launched the biggest and bestest web site that could be. Big, happy week :).

Now, well... old monsters are creeping back up at work. I