Free and Big

The best part of my week-end was… maybe getting in my storage and building a shelf and putting my stuff in it under crazy heat. It didn’t take long but it sure feels good when I clear off stuff and take bags and boxes to the army surplus. I like the times I spend cleaning and clearing, just a bit here and there. I did clothes and dishes, and light vacuuming.

But the bike ride to the museum was nice as was the Peru exhibit, and so was the spontaneous bbq on Saturday. Being with my love as always makes me feel like a lucky girl.

I didn’t put my nose in work. I feel guilty, or rather scared. Scared about spending the next few days with the Japanese folks and not being on the ball, seeming out of place. Scared of my team not pulling its weight. Scared of being tired or bored, and scared of the workload.

I think I have to accept the workload. There isn’t a thing that I can do about it. However, this week I have events every night almost, and I will stick to them. It’s going to be a year and a half with the man of my life on Tuesday, and we are going to the opera. I shall think of getting him a small gift.

I’m still hoping to be pregnant, I will know by the end of the week when I get, or not, my period. I’ve been talking about living in another place with a yard, living in a smaller town. Me and beau agree on everything.

Soon there will be more satisfying house clearing and cleaning. I am to paint a few rooms and get decent furniture for the stuff I keep. In the fall beau will move in with me and his stuff will need room too.

Tonight while it is hard to live with the guilt or rather fear within me, I am savouring a quiet and beautiful Sunday. I know this is good, I wish that my heart gets it too, so I that I didn’t feel scared but instead feel brave and valiant, free and big enough to step over these hardships without looking, face in the wind staring ahead at higher realms.

That will do nicely. I feel closer to the goal now -- it is really a matter of bravery.

Amourx.