A nice jacket

Long week-end and I feel guilty! I didn’t move today - I said that I would write and I did. Shit I feel a total lack of confidence and realize that I tend to lull it with a drink normally, but that I have no drink now. Not good.

My work called me on friday at 6pm and though I had the phone in my hand I didn’t answer. Guilt. I didn’t move today, guilt.

Me and beau made up and cleaned and painted yesterday and it was a fine day. Today I’m taking off the tape used to protect edges and it’s ripping the paint away and showing the old dark paint. I have to do it all over again after I sand all the ripped up edges. I don’t have good progress so guilty.

I wrote about 3 paragraphs to ease me into writing. I listen to so many author podcast that i feel that it is my mission to write or at least I should try. Then I stare at my computer and freeze. I believe I can do this and this is what I should do, but I don’t know what to write about. My thoughts get too large and I wonder what do I know? What do I want?

Inside I think I am terribly sad, depressed, when I probe.

I am so scared of going back to work it’s not funny. Guilt. I will need a strategy ok.

I wrote about a girl meeting a boy in a ballroom antechamber of another era, inspired by the Degas paintings. Any writing can help. I think I can write ok but it’s better if I would know where I am going. May be easier to write about my era.

Strategy wise, I think I need to prepare to fail. Expect angry clients, errors, etc. What is my worse fear exactly - crying at work is one of them but it happened too often already. What is the rest? Overtiming too much, I did this too. What else?

I should try to engage more with people and lay back, in a fearless sort of way. Let go. Ok.

I haven’t exercised in a while, I should do that, it plays on me.

Right now on this grey day I’ll take a walk or a bike ride just to go somewhere. Sweep clean my place, and continue with activities that are great!

Good things:

Family bday

painting

going to la Ronde

making up with beau

seeing my girlfriends

seeing my house getting better

A nice jacket

Amourx.