Like a Robber

I got home and ate the duck soup that beau left on the counter, spaghetti all tangled up on one side, broth with floating parts of dislocated greasy duck in the other. Then I inhaled two pieces of baguette dug in, bite after bite, the hummus tub, until there was hummus no more. Then, I finished an auld piece of cheese (I write auld this way when it feels really old, it amuses me).

This looks like a relapse but this is the Monday evening after the Monday return to work after the vacation. It's fitting. I'm not pleased but forgiving. It was not so bad, the highlight of the day was the heat wave that makes you go all slow and melty. There was also a violent car crash involving an assisted living travelling bus and a car, both smashed pretty hard, in the heat wave.

I noticed how I fled during lunch and even at night. Like a robber. With blown up guilt and heart too big and a propensity to busy my mind with other things or eat. I slept during lunch listening to a podcast. I slept really deeply even though I woke up at every 2 minutes to check the time. I took a nearly 2 hour lunch.

There is no rational for this nervousness. I always feel outside myself at work, though today was not particularly bad. In fact it was very good, uneventful, friendly, and calm, come to think of it. Always better to get to it and at it. Tune your attitude in. That way I may fall back inline with myself and with everyone. That would be nice.

I see I have come some way since the panicky paralyzing attacks of a few weeks back. I am still edgy, but more remotely. I don't cry just by reading the stories in the papers. I'm not as seized as I was, though the anxiety is still there.

I did 45 min. body scan meditation this morning. It's the third time. It is powerful but the length and repeating makes me antsy. I may alternate it with the shorter 20 minutes unguided meditation, because that one tells me things too.

Balance is always what I need to return too, while the context is always shifting. Yesterday's leisurely and sometimes fearfully empty days are replaced with my gainful employment, and all the catastrophic employment scenarios I think of are not happening. Maybe life can just be a bit still and uneventful for me now.

While I'm waiting for my admission test results, to find out if I'm accepted for night school. I dawns on me that it will be hard to attend at night, but I'm doing things one step at a time. Baby steps.

Time passed, last week, with all its uneventfulness... reading, walking, laying. Being with beau, despite my malaise in front of the void, and my tensions that crept out in the daylight, that traveled to him and back, well that was all very nice. And I am so proud of all the little moments, the decisions, the enjoyment we had out of very simple, unglamorous, nothings (which hold everything).

Amourx.