Everything Done in the Dark

We did it, for the second time, and it was beautiful. It looked like a galaxy inside of me, La Voie Lactée... I don't really have the words, but I'm reminded that in the outside world it's peak Perseides day tonight.

I am contented and calm, with many other layers interfering. That's normal. That's how everybody works. I'm no different. The calm part of me feels like a relaxed plane inside me, spacious, released, incline to make me smile. It's an inner smile I think. It's soft and subtle.

Yesterday I was quite nervous and aside from being with beau at the clinic, aside from going to see bikes for him and books for me (I bought three books from Quebec authors, and it happens to be "buy a Quebec book day" today. He wasn't please about that excess --I have a book buying habit), and having the walk, and eating good food with him, I read all day until late at night and finished the book I started the day before, the Girl on the Train.

Feelings where not great you know. This is a book with mentally ill people speaking in first person, journal style. It won't be described that way in general but that's how it inhabited me. I was eager to finish it as much to find out who did it as to get out of the depression and distress that the main characters live. It was well done, I could relate, and for some time I felt uneasy. Thinking back now, it's quite horrific. Plus, it had a lot of the worst baby related stories at the core. Probably not good prescriptive reading haha. But I've finished it now and it was a good read, even if a bit painful, it's over and I'm happy, if I refer to what I wrote upstairs.

So yeah I got depressive and fearful moments along the way too. Judgment. I caught that and named it, because this type of feeling where I sort of dread the next choices I have to make and the lack of time and the fear of going back to it, is laced with judgment. Maybe if I just pay attention to all the judgment, it would help me dislodge it.

The walk was an out of this world experience. There is a place in the heart of the city, with trees as big as in the deepest Canadian forest, surrounding houses with large yards by a wide park with trails leading around a clearing, with train tracks going through, taking us to rows of triplexes and backstreets, to derelict industrial buildings painted all over in graffiti, to inner city park where my mom and dad posed for the photo when they were together a long time before I came. Everything done in the dark holding his hand in wonder.

Amourx.