Adult Risks

I wanted to note a few things. Remembering that healing is a process and that I still struggle and it's ok.

A few things happened in the outside world. The FIV didn't take. It's a deception that's still going through me. I though it would work simply because the first time it did, and the doctors and staff always comment with some surprise on how nice and perfect and beautiful our little embryos are. Funny there is such a thing to be surprised about.

We'll do it again but friends, it's a long process to be trying and trying. It's mostly waiting. In the last two years, one full year was strictly waiting for different tests and then for a surgery I needed. Then it's waiting for the paperwork and then for the retrieval, the results, the transfer, the result, waiting for the first ultrasound of the little baby and learning he will not make it, 9 chances out of 10. Waiting to know he didn't make it, letting her go. Waiting to heal. Waiting to be ready to try again. Waiting for the waiting list for the second trial and since that didn't work, I'm waiting for my next appointment to start over.

We are learning to put other things in our lives to sustain all this waiting. I have been admitted to the translation certificate at university! I'm starting next week. Beau may start studying too, I hope he will, since he also needs to find his path.

It's hard to think about not ever having children while we are still trying. But we know it could happen, and then I don't know what we'll do, cause I can live with it but maybe I don't want to take that from him. And that's the saddest thought, because maybe he can also live with it. But we both have so much love to give and so in any way it would be a grievance. And as we're trying we create grievances along the way. That's life.

I thought that also, I could try to live the "adult" life too. Have an adult house, adult car, adult engagements, take adult risks. Dunno. Sometimes I admire it in others and wonder how they do it. I know there is so much we can do in world travels and expansion and humanitarianism and so on...

Finally just wanted to add something about the inner world. When I meditate unguided, I often get an image. A black bird, a darkness sometimes. It can also be a beautiful guiding light. Once I meditated in the evening and was fearful, I felt a presence in the house, but that's a one off. But what I wanted to say was that I pay attention to the feelings and they came on Saturday in yoga class.

I was doing may soothing positions and felt deeply relaxed and integrated, until we got on our fours and told to put our shoulders down to the mat but keep our butt up. Awkward position in which I fidgeted. Then we had to thread one arm through the other and twist our shoulders to the side, even more awkward. My shoulder compressed and my butt in the air and... a surge of sadness came, a cry of help in a soundproof prison. A result of an abuse that I can't understand. A secret. Something I had to keep hidden as it occupied me completely, hurting, pleasing, confusing, humiliating if spoken.

I don't need to remember any detail. I write in past tense intently. I have a spectrum of these feelings and they can come out. But I don't need to understand them, this is what I'm learning today, and how I think I can let go.

Amourx.