Hymn

In the sea of little nothings, things are not happening as I planned this morning, insomnia paid me a visit. It's only day three since I'm back to work and there is a fortress of protection and resistance in me. I have been going to bed really early, at nine-ish, sleeping it off.

I didn't meditate yet. My plan was to wake up at 6am as usual and do my mudra, have my coffee, meditate... but I slept through it. Woke up with beau, I love him so much.

It's only 8am. I'm staying home this morning because builders are coming to fix two of my windows -- which have been ajar and inoperable all summer. Afterwards we will clean the city grime out of them. It will be nice.

Working from home is a break; I should make use of it regularly. My colleagues are really nice and of course useful, but the 9 to 5 at my office is tiring me.

I notice the robber-like guilt and dread occupying me when I get home, when I get away from my tasks. I should note that that is not my whole life, it doesn't occupy all my hours. It's a small fraction of my day. Seeing it this way, I can start seeing my life as more, much more, than these painful visits. And that may key away depression.

While the aura of guilt hangs, I note what I've been doing. I watched a documentary about the Yangtze with beau. I drank alcohol-free beer and wine which where surprisingly good. I ate fresh corn on the cob from the market, so delicious, and I read a bit of a manual about translation. I bathed, I wrote, I filled the dishwasher.

Why do I endure guilt about doing those things? It doesn't add up.

Yesterday in my unguided meditation, an impulse to act came as a stable, positive cry, and morphed into a hymn! There was no pangs. I hope to do the 45 min. guided body scan today, maybe before I head back to work.

I am quite tired and hoping for a lazy, leisurely day. Wouldn't that be nice.

Amourx.