Repair

An update. I'm still traversed with constant painful and paralysing feelings. I went home yesterday to work from there but mainly to rest. I couldn't deal. I called for help, we have a support system that offers psychology, orientation and other services for free, for us in the communication industry. The first time I had hear of it I thought it was very surprising, that people of the industry, so "well-off" and well insured, needed a free support system. And that some people had built one. And here I am in distress and happy that these people will probably understand my condition like no other.

My voice broke during the call and after I received appointments for a career conselor and a psychologist, after I hung up, I broke down in big sobs. I figure this is good.

I am diligent at the meditation practice in the morning, in the evening, when I think about it during the day. I believe in it. I think I feel the change or the potential of change. It makes for a sobering life. I worry about my relationship. Am I so changed by my condition that I am no longer a star candidate, am I too serious about fixing it. I cut on drinking and watch what I eat, and I don't socialize much. This is kind of serious living, not so carefree and lively anymore.

And we are having IVF soon. I realised I started my hormones 2 weeks too early. Fuck if that helps anything!! But the nurse said I could go on with the protocol anyway.

In the daily meditation of the MBSR book I'm following, when I'm not "guided" my mind wanders away most of the time. I'm trying to access the depth of me, the solid one, and I'm not sure It's like I'm knocking on the door. But then I just breath cause that's all i'm supposed to do. Maybe journal too, I should check. I'm not rigourous because I'm also doing a 21 day gratitude based guided meditation at the same time.

Plus reading books, novels. I think that's a soothing thing to do too.

I'm not sure what I wanted to say here today. Sometimes I feel a sadness at the end of my breaths. I think there is room for repair.

Amourx.