Balancing Act

My computer is making very distracting noises and pages take a while to load, bear with me.

It's saturday, funeral and work has past, and I'm up early for a trip to Ottawa by train with my mother and sister, to visit the Alex Coleville exhibition. That is a very nicely planned day.

My anxiety was in force again all week. I worked very late on Monday and Thursday night - nothing difficult. I don't remember Tuesday and Wednesday was the funeral (I slept all afternoon that day, it was good for me).

I don't remember much but I can talk about yesterday. A great fear in my body and around my heart, on my skin and in my breath, for a danger that doesn't exist. I walk around and do my tasks and talk with my pears carrying this. When I sit at my desk it's like that too. Making it hard to do one simple thing at a time.  

It could be called great stress too. I've seen it in others at times, and mine shows i'm sure. But I notice that the people whom I'm the most nervous about (mostly everybody at this point) are not excluding me. They are kind. They even respect my timid presence. They answer every question with attention. They do everything that needs to get done beyond what I must tell them to do (that's my job). They... are very nice people. And I'm terribly afraid to speak my mind, but I still do.

I took a calming pill for the first time in my life yesterday. Not sure what you call them - they are "as needed" but you don't want to get used to them. It helped, the afternoon went a bit easier and then I rested. The other meds that I started taking won't kick in for another 3-5 weeks, we'll see.

I regret that I didn't exercise or do yoga, or have long bike rides, since I went to Charlevoix. In combination with my body enlarging and bulging (holly thighs! holly boobs!),  that makes dressing up and shopping a hard exercise, I worry. I eat whatever too, I do that when I'm stressed.

This body change may have to do, on top of natural aging, with my fertility treatment - i'm doing IVF. One could say that this is a stressful, life altering program that maybe is contributing to my mood condition. I don't know - feels natural and positive to me. But I miscarried in March. And I'm about to start over, have 2 patches of estrogen on my body at all times currently, hormones are definitely changing me. 

I'm good at meditating though, and I will keep at it. It helps. When I am not meditating, I hope that I can outplay the drowsy comfort of being still. Maybe next week - one step at a time, I also have to be kind, patient and accepting with myself.

Amourx.