Day x

Would be nice to say Day x. Since I started to rewrite, like the days that appear at the begining of each The Killing episodes, as they try to solve the murder.

My mornings have a pattern now. I make coffee and sit and do mudras as it drips. Mudras are the most esoteric practice that I do, but I found that they work like magic. They are hand gestures or poses, like yoga asanas. It comes from ancient practices around the world. You have seen these in praying people, officiators and dancers, but there are a wide variety for various ailments. I have a book full of them and what they do. I simply sit adopting the one that feels right this week, and meditate as guided by the book.

This week is for assertiveness, but I can never think that word outright. I stumble or get awareness instead. But some confidence, stability and assertiveness is what I'm calling for. Even now I write awareness instead and track back to correct it. Maybe something's going on :-).

Then I read or write a bit here or in my other meditation program notes. This is a gratitude based guided meditation I do in the evening --I'm binging. I will then do a 15 minute unguided MBSR meditation. This is Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, you can find books about it. It is a program to overcome mental illness like depression, anxiety and PTSD or chronic pain. It is different in that it is very secular. It does not bring the buddha or christ or sanskrit mantra's in the practice. It makes it a bit dry but good because everyone can adhere without having to give and take some.

Anyway I do 15 minutes of unguided meditation in the morning, lying on a mat with a towel rolled up that props up my back a bit as I hope to open my shoulders against the hunch and my propensity to go fetal position all the time.

Then I get ready and eat a small meal, often 2 boiled eggs.

So what does that do to me? I find it as I unravel my days as they come. I found that wednesday was a turning point because in the evening, the fear finally took a break and let me be for a while. I also saw my fear in my colleague's expression. I find him so uncompassionate normally that it felt like an odd transfer that actually relieved me. And I unknotted a negotiation, did the "hard" things at work (everything is hard in this state) and ended up feeling a bit free.

This week we have one more colleague leaving and another one burning out on temp leave for a month. Everyone is affected by these hardships. Thank god that there are dogs visiting the office everyday. It's like dog-therapy, every dog owner bringing their dogs to work.

Touching wood, work was easier yesterday and I will try to let myself take the downtime to close files and tidy up until my vacation. Anxiety and pure workload never let me do this, so it won't be that easy. I also use the downtime out - literally taking longer breaks, shorter hours.

Inside I may be calmer but something is still creeping. It's ok. This is my rational brain talking today - it's more interesting when it comes from inside. I will go to it now.

Amourx.