I was able to spend the whole day, the whole hours at my desk. Doing things needed to be done. Nothing I do is difficult, but there is so much emotion around them - stress, fear, worry, anxiety... Often feels like I'm not in my true place. I'm actually an impersonator. A very shy one.
People have said I'm very strong like a rock, calm and focused leading my projects all the way to their destination. A quiet force. Most people like working with me, they have said. But this summer I fell out of myself and lost all my bearings and confidence. I disintegrated. I am thankful that in fact, my tasks where easy if not unpredictable.
I felt this way in Asia, 15 years ago on a 4 month trip. Asia was beautiful, I was traveling alone, lonely, probably scared too, and after many breakdown sort of days I realized that Asia wasn't my place in the world at that moment. That made it easier for me to accept what was going on, that it's not going to be a walk in the park. Loneliness was my biggest hurt. I stayed anyway, it got better or I changed my attitude and made some friends along the way.
I looked at colleges program's where I could teach, and I was discouraged. These technical courses seem miles away in my past, I don't have confidence but even more I don't feel interest in teaching those specific courses. Maybe I didn't look enough, maybe I looked at it the wrong way.
I feel like I want a body of knowledge and authority in a field that improves human condition, acceptance and communication. I want to have it, translate it, teach it and propel it in the world.
My ideals and perfectionism and all that.
I looked at translation programs, maybe this would be a good course, appeasing and well directed. No choices to make for 2 years, just learn, be in letters, then just translate away. Seems simple. Studying is interesting me now, but it should be a course that is clearly associated with real life work returns. Also something I can do at night.
While I'm pregnant perhaps. Lover would like to wait, he's stressed about debts and he's also going back to school I hope. Why not live like poor young bucks in love and with child. Children even. Seems like a good course to me. I know it's stressful for my dear love.
If we can continue to manage the household. Looks like we have established some good habits this summer. Dishes and clothing are put away everyday. He has done a lot of cleaning bless him. We can only continue like this.
All this to say that yesterday was ok inside and also in conversations that I had with my peers, the few of them who are actually at work, it's such a low season. Nothing else changes, I meditate, I breath, I take a bike ride to my Saul, and I eat only what I need (and clean up the dishes). It's hard to plan further than that, transitions into the week end, into vacation, into motherhood.
My Saul looks like this - I may post a picture of the real one someday.
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