Gradation

Wednesday, pivot day. Sitting on my eternal sofa feeling a bit buzzed in the background. Perhaps my medication is starting to kick in, coupled with my coffee.

My days are different this week. I've been free from deadlines personally, only managing a very autonomous team at distance, and had some time. There was supposed to be stuff done about being the perfect employee, catching up and cleaning up. But I took my bike and went home and read instead.

Yesterday I spent the afternoon really just chilling at a studio where I didn't absolutely need to be. But I enjoyed the comradeship of this team, and also the long bike ride to and fro, in the highest heat of summer.

I may not know the gradation between overwhelmed and normal.

I beat myself up about it too. Well in better terms it ignites fear, panic, and brutal judgment. Maybe this panic is more accessible if I am not overwhelmed, if I have space and time to feel it. In my free time during the worst saturdays and sundays, I had that panic paralysis. I didn't know what to do. Conflicted by fear that pushes me where I resisted to go. The best things I did when that happened was when I picked up a few things around the house, did a quick bike ride and created an exquisit meal.

I see that coming now at work and I know that in the state I'm in, if I can quietly do the cleaning and closing and sorting out that I need to do, it is enough. My fear will make me ask for what's next and what's more. I'm bizarrely afraid of the new structure too, two people coming back from vacay, feel like they will find out how I lagged and lacked. I have to be so patient and accepting of myself. Even if I end up breaking down at work.

Sometimes, usually, things fix themselves up at work. But yesterday we lost another 15 year old client. Everybody, it seems, is talking about leaving. I wasn't there when they announced, but the leaders are maybe alone in their faith. It's pretty dire but that's the bottom of it.

Back to myself, i appreciate the meditation work I'm doing. Feels like there is so much to discover, as gently as it needs to be. I fear today, and next week, but I will take it bit by bit like I do on week-ends.

I was given choice to go to a shoot in the UK! But scheduled during the IVF... so I was with this debate, but today I was revoked that choice, I think. Now it's in Budapest at another date. Anyway, it will be easy to do my IVF in a August, it would of been hard to delay that.

Overall, not too bad. I'm definitly gettying better.

Amourx.