Recherche somehow du plaisir

L'absence de contrôle ne veut pas dire que je vais sombrer, mais j'ai vraiment de la misère. Toute la nuit je pense à quoi faire, comment orchestrer, contrôler les choses qui m'arrivent. Je m'agrippe, je n'ai pas de lâcher prise. Je sens que c'est là que je dois aller mais je sais pas vraiment. Je lit trop de romans et voit trop de films qui relate des creux et des quêtes. Puisque je ne travaille pas on dirait que je dois vivre quelque chose de magistral pour que ça vaille la peine mais c'est le silence total.

Ça fait pas des enfants forts. En voilà une qui voulait être drôle mais non, parce que ma prochaine FIV est repoussée de je ne sais combien de semaines. J'aurais tellement voulu l'avoir quand je suis en congé, les deux prochaines semaines. Je regrette ne pas avoir fait accélérer les choses. Voilà qui me déprime profondément. J'ai appris hier seulement ce nouveau délais. Et c'est facile de calculer, ma fête la semaine prochaine me place à l'âge limite, l'année qui se termine annonce la fin de la gratuité, en allant là c'est rien pour m'aider à garder le moral.

Donc, faut pas s'apitoyer. J'ai passé la nuit à parler de moi à la troisième personne: elle est préoccupée, elle pense au travail, elle juge, elle rumine... pour toute les pensée qui me trottait dans la tête. Il y a aussi eu "elle sens de l'amour". Ça désengage, et c'est vrai que ça ouvre à la compassion, on se dit pauvre petite - peut on la détendre et la rassurer?

Il y a pourtant bien sur des bonnes choses comme mes nouveau soulier. L'expérience commençait bien au début, puis j'ai eu l'écoeurement propre au magasinage, ça n'a pas été long. Je suis parti avec des runnings, très insécure sur mon choix. Puis mon chum et sa mère les ont aimés, et moi aussi, alors là je suis contente car je pourrai marcher partout en ville avec ça, confortablement, car ma petite hanche me fait mal.

Autres bonnes choses... cuisiner un bon souper hier pour manger avec la belle-mère avant son départ en Pologne. Nettoyer la maison - je jure que j'ai aimé! Le yoga l'autre jour.

En se moment "elle" est préoccupée. "Elle" sens un poids à l'intérieur et un écoeurement. "Elle" est morose. "Elle" pense à manger quelque chose. Je pense à combattre ça par pure positivisme, par inattention, par recherche somehow du plaisir. Par l'activité physique et la rencontre d'amies aujourd'hui.

"Elle" se demande si le remède est dans la profondeur ou dans la légèreté. "Elle" réfléchi et analyse toujours. "Elle" se demande quoi faire, ça la fait sentir une petite panique. C'est sans doute ça la rumination. C'est tellement méta quand sa porte sur soi-même. Pas super.

Légèreté.

Amourx.

Let Thy Turnip Turnip

I have to keep recording. I'm still thinking about work for what feels like 70% of the time even at night. I'm still very anxious - the other part of the time I am thinking in fear of where I am and what to do. But, somehow I manage to get better.

I am doing 1 or 2 things a day - happily changing meds slowly, I suspect this will work better and get rid of my drowsiness. I go to movies in the daytime and have been to yoga twice and gym once. I meditated sometimes.

Just wanted to say that sometimes I feel the normal me. Yesterday night, and some sparks in the morning where I think of joining a yoga training program, or when I clean something.

But I have this control thing were I'm hoping to pull myself out of the ground (cause I'm a turnip) by will and strength alone. Orchestrate my disease, my finances, my next steps.  That is haunting me, and I am not letting go. I am terribly afraid but how long will I hide in there. I only want small things, good things. It doesn't have to be a revolution. I want my large aspirations to come down into simple things within me. Ugh.

But I have to be out of control, out of this terrible will to overcome all the things. Let go of next steps and finances and... let the disease do its thing I guess.

Wanted to say that at times in my life I have feared that my personality was exploded or disintegrated. That may be what I fear the most.

I don't want to organize a party just like beau doesn't. It's our birthdays and friends are waiting and willing for us to invite. Friends and parties are good things for me and for us. So, I will make a subhuman effort here. Ugh. Thank god there is Facebook but why is this so weighty. Like everything else.

My computer is now normal and speedy, I fixed it well :). Small things are good and great.

Amourx.

Peculiar Moment

In the middle of the night I was struck with existential fear - what have i done, and what for? Fleeing or escaping my employment like this, I realize it was one of the hooks that kept me sane and going for a while. Regular payed employment, with a status and everything.

It's hard to analyse this while I'm in it. I go back through the years ugh. Anyways, there is something about me where I think I'm supposed to do something else, and it should be great and grandiose, and all will be revealed one day, to me. But, I see where this is going, nowhere.

I tried to start writing a short story yesterday and all that came out was blabber, almost pre-language babbling. Even in automatic mode. If anything it scared me most, because I have to answer a lot of questions about what and why. Another thing too complex for my brain right now.

I think it may be better to have this fork in the road fear than to fear the little things i dealt with at work. I think I'm still a competent usable member of civilisation that will get back into it at some point. Let's just lower expectations or have none. Let's worry about the moment. Let's develop confidence. Let's be brave.

Now for the little things. Needed are a haircut, nail grooming, shoes. Time spent in person with other people. Body is tired and kind of complacent in its horizontal, comforting position on the couch. It's Saturday morning.

Possibilities are time at the spa, time with my sister, time arranged around some meeting with friends. And exercise, cause when I was writing, I could tell that's what I needed. Gym or yoga or a walk, like yesterday. Also, meditation and this journalling.

Movies. Sleep. Nap. Food. Beau wants us to have nicely planned meals next week. To engage and motivate me, is where I'm standing forth, horizontally.

I cleared about 50 gigs on my computer yesterday, now I will install the newest OS. I keep receiving newsletters I unsubscribed to, but they say it takes up to 10 days.

I think it passes by food, meditation and exercise. And maybe limit the dark movies and series. And the news. And tea. I'm ambivalent about sleep. It's a nice place to be, an escape or something.

Small steps all lined up would help. Don't you ever wish someone would stand and tell you the best choice, the best action, to take right now?

There is a gap between my self expectation, where I want to overcome everything by strength alone, and my confidence, which tells me "how dare you". I want to pull both those down and up together to close the gap. No expectations, good confidence.

Ça passe dans le don.

Ok j'ai compris.

Amourx.

Smaller and Smaller

For the record again - I'm happier than yesterday, more carefree. I don't need an agenda today - there are the mountain, the movies and the writing that await for me when I'm ready. Dinner is my sole engagement.

I am deleting fifty thousand files from my computer. I can't wait to see the space I will gain. I love this exercise. It's pretty easy my friends, I just had a lot of unused apps. I still don't know how to best handle my photo storage needs. That's too complex for my brain right now.

I'm still horizontal.

When I stepped outside to get ingredients yesterday, I had a small thrill. It is superb autumn days, they are remarkable for the blue, the red and the yellow, the heat and the crisp air. In the isle of the natural-ethnic food shop, I was travelling. It all came back.

Then I made a risotto in 6 minutes (plus prep time), in the pressure cooker. That made me happy, so did beau just because. And I went to bed early.

That is all I have to say, except remember gratitude and don't worry about anything else. Sometimes it's good to spend time in a cocoon.

Amourx.

It's Been Small

A quick record, I'm not trying to convey anything. I am on day 4 of sick leave. It happens in a way that you think you orchestrate it somehow, because you went through hoops, but then you find out that you are the patient, the receiving end of a slow-motion blow, the sufferer. Quite more impaired than when you were busy mere days ago.

It happens like that. I have been hit by a nasty cold which triggered the chain of events leading to this. At this point I don't know if my zombie state of mind is due to the lingering cold and the meds I took for it (I'm always very sensitive to those), or the antidepressants that my doctor is making me amp up. But I am indeed limited, brain wise. One thing at a time, and not too many things in a day please.

Today I'm deleting masses of emails accumulated tin my inbox through years of letting them there because I gave up. I unsubscribed to things for about an hour and I am seeing Gigs of space clearing up in real time - very satisfying! I also paid my school fees ugh, and notice that I need to give attention to my finances and catch the money that is seeping away because I give up sometimes. Or I'm overwhelmed. 9 Gigs so far and growing.

So for the record, a day is like this: I wake up early at around 7, read the papers back to back, do the crosswords (am getting good at those), fall back asleep. By early afternoon I'm thinking of what I should do, then, I do it. It's been small folks. I don't always leave the house. Today I will fetch some food and cook. Yesterday I took a yoga class before going to University - I'm still doing that.

I'm not too hungry either. I want to sleep mostly. I am kind of dizzy. I have not told anyone who doesn't need to know. I have not made plans to see my friends with all this suddenly free time. I don't seem to have the energy, but I know seeing friends would be good.

I'm surprised at how much it's hitting me and maybe my boyfriend is too. He's really supportive, but I hope it doesn't last too long. But here's the thing - I don't know what I want to come out of this. Well, I want a change and to do my thing and get payed too. That is too complex for me to think about now.

I doubt myself and can think I'm a strange girl, and can become withdrawn. That's a bad place to be. But I am hanging on and believe that resting should fix some things right?

And that was for the record,

Amourx.

Impaired

Now I'm still fearsome. I have this discomfort hanging out with me, in me. I am judging myself harshly to a point where what i do becomes a failure all the time. There's a realm of factors that affect my mood, and I have this auto sabotage thing. I hate that it isolates me, like a turtle, I just want to rest alone, away from things I despise doing for all the crap I throw at myself.

My colleagues are nice and kind, but it's so much easier not to interact. I get all worked out. This is the situation that is abnormal, that will pass, as it has in the past.

And I am accepting too. Because I don't want to write "have to" or "should" accept, but that's the case. Accept that this is all in a realm I don't control. That I need to take care of myself first.

So I had this inner stress all week-end and yesterday, physically feels like my inners are heating and melting, is the best way I can describe it. I breath with it. And I took a numbing pill on Sunday. It numbed me tired, not much else.

My period came one week late.

I bought beautiful clothes with beau. Thankfully. I feel so impaired sometimes that I wonder if it's to do with my mental condition, that I can't procure clothing for myself. But that may be a harsh judgement.

I saw friends, I had a third interview, I'm onboarding on a new exciting client, I went to school, one of my account is difficult, people wise and because I'm remote from everyone in Toronto, and I can't travel much now that I have school. And I'm still uneasy, unfitting with my current team of which I'm not a part of, of which I feel accessory and expendable for real.

I don't eat as well and I feel bigger, but I'm not pregnante.

Some deceptions don't need more than a phrase.

Amourx.

The State of Everything

Hey there,

I would like to write from the inside out like I do sometimes. It's fairly nice inside me, stable at the centre, and worn at the extremities. There is always an inflammation around the head, a lack of hydration or what not. And the fatigue that is probably quite normal.

Hmm this is not what I meant! For being cryptic I apologize. Writing from the inside is speaking from the emotions and the visceral things. Love. Fear. Feelings and how words make things up by themselves. Lyrics. I will get back to that - it's hard when you are studying the language very rationally three nights per week.

Then, I understand that I can let others, the world, do choices for me and just wait. I don't control everyting. If I was laid off I would have insurance.  I thought of being a slacker. I think my standards are too high, about what I should give and what I should preserve. And I have a slew of weird rationalization that are making this journey hard. It's called mental illness and I prefer the quainter mood disorder name - words have so much power.

Yesterday two things happened. I was invited for a third interview for another job which is quite the reverso of my current job. And, I was asked at my current job, if I would like to take on a very interesting position for a very interesting client IN THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY.

That was a bit too boldly written, since my role doesn't involve an inkling of travelling and is really about how we locals want to travel. But it could be a new job at my old job type thing.

In school well I'm enamoured with the French grammar class, disappointed that the English class level is way to easy for me, and following along Linguistics which is something I already did in the past.

I'll leave the state of everything fall where it may.

Amourx.