I have to keep recording. I'm still thinking about work for what feels like 70% of the time even at night. I'm still very anxious - the other part of the time I am thinking in fear of where I am and what to do. But, somehow I manage to get better.
I am doing 1 or 2 things a day - happily changing meds slowly, I suspect this will work better and get rid of my drowsiness. I go to movies in the daytime and have been to yoga twice and gym once. I meditated sometimes.
Just wanted to say that sometimes I feel the normal me. Yesterday night, and some sparks in the morning where I think of joining a yoga training program, or when I clean something.
But I have this control thing were I'm hoping to pull myself out of the ground (cause I'm a turnip) by will and strength alone. Orchestrate my disease, my finances, my next steps. That is haunting me, and I am not letting go. I am terribly afraid but how long will I hide in there. I only want small things, good things. It doesn't have to be a revolution. I want my large aspirations to come down into simple things within me. Ugh.
But I have to be out of control, out of this terrible will to overcome all the things. Let go of next steps and finances and... let the disease do its thing I guess.
Wanted to say that at times in my life I have feared that my personality was exploded or disintegrated. That may be what I fear the most.
I don't want to organize a party just like beau doesn't. It's our birthdays and friends are waiting and willing for us to invite. Friends and parties are good things for me and for us. So, I will make a subhuman effort here. Ugh. Thank god there is Facebook but why is this so weighty. Like everything else.
My computer is now normal and speedy, I fixed it well :). Small things are good and great.
Amourx.
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