Peculiar Moment

In the middle of the night I was struck with existential fear - what have i done, and what for? Fleeing or escaping my employment like this, I realize it was one of the hooks that kept me sane and going for a while. Regular payed employment, with a status and everything.

It's hard to analyse this while I'm in it. I go back through the years ugh. Anyways, there is something about me where I think I'm supposed to do something else, and it should be great and grandiose, and all will be revealed one day, to me. But, I see where this is going, nowhere.

I tried to start writing a short story yesterday and all that came out was blabber, almost pre-language babbling. Even in automatic mode. If anything it scared me most, because I have to answer a lot of questions about what and why. Another thing too complex for my brain right now.

I think it may be better to have this fork in the road fear than to fear the little things i dealt with at work. I think I'm still a competent usable member of civilisation that will get back into it at some point. Let's just lower expectations or have none. Let's worry about the moment. Let's develop confidence. Let's be brave.

Now for the little things. Needed are a haircut, nail grooming, shoes. Time spent in person with other people. Body is tired and kind of complacent in its horizontal, comforting position on the couch. It's Saturday morning.

Possibilities are time at the spa, time with my sister, time arranged around some meeting with friends. And exercise, cause when I was writing, I could tell that's what I needed. Gym or yoga or a walk, like yesterday. Also, meditation and this journalling.

Movies. Sleep. Nap. Food. Beau wants us to have nicely planned meals next week. To engage and motivate me, is where I'm standing forth, horizontally.

I cleared about 50 gigs on my computer yesterday, now I will install the newest OS. I keep receiving newsletters I unsubscribed to, but they say it takes up to 10 days.

I think it passes by food, meditation and exercise. And maybe limit the dark movies and series. And the news. And tea. I'm ambivalent about sleep. It's a nice place to be, an escape or something.

Small steps all lined up would help. Don't you ever wish someone would stand and tell you the best choice, the best action, to take right now?

There is a gap between my self expectation, where I want to overcome everything by strength alone, and my confidence, which tells me "how dare you". I want to pull both those down and up together to close the gap. No expectations, good confidence.

Ça passe dans le don.

Ok j'ai compris.

Amourx.