It's Been Small

A quick record, I'm not trying to convey anything. I am on day 4 of sick leave. It happens in a way that you think you orchestrate it somehow, because you went through hoops, but then you find out that you are the patient, the receiving end of a slow-motion blow, the sufferer. Quite more impaired than when you were busy mere days ago.

It happens like that. I have been hit by a nasty cold which triggered the chain of events leading to this. At this point I don't know if my zombie state of mind is due to the lingering cold and the meds I took for it (I'm always very sensitive to those), or the antidepressants that my doctor is making me amp up. But I am indeed limited, brain wise. One thing at a time, and not too many things in a day please.

Today I'm deleting masses of emails accumulated tin my inbox through years of letting them there because I gave up. I unsubscribed to things for about an hour and I am seeing Gigs of space clearing up in real time - very satisfying! I also paid my school fees ugh, and notice that I need to give attention to my finances and catch the money that is seeping away because I give up sometimes. Or I'm overwhelmed. 9 Gigs so far and growing.

So for the record, a day is like this: I wake up early at around 7, read the papers back to back, do the crosswords (am getting good at those), fall back asleep. By early afternoon I'm thinking of what I should do, then, I do it. It's been small folks. I don't always leave the house. Today I will fetch some food and cook. Yesterday I took a yoga class before going to University - I'm still doing that.

I'm not too hungry either. I want to sleep mostly. I am kind of dizzy. I have not told anyone who doesn't need to know. I have not made plans to see my friends with all this suddenly free time. I don't seem to have the energy, but I know seeing friends would be good.

I'm surprised at how much it's hitting me and maybe my boyfriend is too. He's really supportive, but I hope it doesn't last too long. But here's the thing - I don't know what I want to come out of this. Well, I want a change and to do my thing and get payed too. That is too complex for me to think about now.

I doubt myself and can think I'm a strange girl, and can become withdrawn. That's a bad place to be. But I am hanging on and believe that resting should fix some things right?

And that was for the record,

Amourx.