Impaired

Now I'm still fearsome. I have this discomfort hanging out with me, in me. I am judging myself harshly to a point where what i do becomes a failure all the time. There's a realm of factors that affect my mood, and I have this auto sabotage thing. I hate that it isolates me, like a turtle, I just want to rest alone, away from things I despise doing for all the crap I throw at myself.

My colleagues are nice and kind, but it's so much easier not to interact. I get all worked out. This is the situation that is abnormal, that will pass, as it has in the past.

And I am accepting too. Because I don't want to write "have to" or "should" accept, but that's the case. Accept that this is all in a realm I don't control. That I need to take care of myself first.

So I had this inner stress all week-end and yesterday, physically feels like my inners are heating and melting, is the best way I can describe it. I breath with it. And I took a numbing pill on Sunday. It numbed me tired, not much else.

My period came one week late.

I bought beautiful clothes with beau. Thankfully. I feel so impaired sometimes that I wonder if it's to do with my mental condition, that I can't procure clothing for myself. But that may be a harsh judgement.

I saw friends, I had a third interview, I'm onboarding on a new exciting client, I went to school, one of my account is difficult, people wise and because I'm remote from everyone in Toronto, and I can't travel much now that I have school. And I'm still uneasy, unfitting with my current team of which I'm not a part of, of which I feel accessory and expendable for real.

I don't eat as well and I feel bigger, but I'm not pregnante.

Some deceptions don't need more than a phrase.

Amourx.