You can't always say what you want

It has been a week since I am on sick leave from work. I'm sitting thinking, knowing, that I need to move on. I am a like a lady in waiting, but waiting for what? Is it me or is my life the most passive thing on this earth. Is it me or am I not happy?

I am not terribly depressed. Perhaps I should celebrate just this. This break saved me, I think. And the intervention from my doc, and the niceties from my friends, and... probably pills too but it's only been two weeks. They shouldn't work yet but with me it's possible that they do. I can feel my pupil getting wider. The main thing is the break.

So here's to that. I'm trying to get at what's bugging me. Cause I am sooo passive. I sleep so much. Give me no boundaries and I will find a way to walk all over them. Soo maybe I need a little structuration. You can't always do what you want.

I have pushed back on calling my specialist because I didn't want the confrontation. Turns out he was out of town anyway. Now I think it would do me a little good. I've gone numb. I guess the last couple week, even months, where hard for me. But something is nagging me now.

Like the life I wanted? The one by the water? (I am just an unfortunate train track away from the water). Believing? I think that's kind of gone for a while. Faith in me. The ability to change things. I can't even say what I want. Hmm.

What if I just rambled on about my days. They are not so devoid of interest. If the greater hours of my life where taken for work, then I would not have this void to look at. However, I like to look at this void far better than at my work inbox.

There is a yoga class in 30 min. that I could pop into. My ankle may be ready for it now. What about my mind. Seems I don't want to be in any thing that has set time. Is this backlash?

I'm happy that my 'condition' isn't bad and will only get better. I'm waiting for a call. I'm going to the class.

Amourx.