Patience

This is what happened today - I became guilt ridden boxed myself. Nothing major, actually subtle. I'm writing it down to catch myself. There is a fright covered by layers of wants, will, frustrations, and all the things that I don't control. Today I took a sick day, that's all.

I did it as a child, I missed school all the time. It made no difference whatsoever to no one. My mom kept me back in my first years, because I always got sick. My dad though, gave me the creeps. Guilty it was. I once sat a the top of the stair case looking down. I wanted to break my own arm, I kid you not. I didn't have the balls though, thank god.

Poison comes with exterior stress filtered through that scheming brain of mine. Oh how I know how to pull the strings of gloom, even the strings of terror. Now I face it, now I don't.

I still know, rationally, that I'm doing the right thing. And here I am, indeed, in a boxing match against myself. It is tiring. Rational is the way to go though. But right now when I listen inside I hear: want! want! want! hurry! SHAME! guilt guilt guilt. erh.

Anyway, it ain't that bad - really. On another note today I bought the most perfect watch - it's pretty. And today I thought I was pretty, and I thought that I caught some looks going my way because I was pretty. It's been a while since I felt that.

I didn't buy 2 pair of boots. I'm being reasonable, exercising constraint. Well, I may buy them tomorrow, hehe. One was a 3 inch heel leather black booty with buckles, hot and rough. One was a 1.5 inch below the knee high boot, in black velvet with leather buckle and seams. Lady like, eye catching, suave. Both where very comfortable, and expensive.

So I did my medical insurance claim and it will cover it. Good reasoning - right? Right.

I bought a book of course, on breathing. Back to the source. Did the exercise: 10 minutes of conscious breathing, trying to describe how it feels. Do this every day. My breath was cool, unsteady, shallow, silent, then broader and longer (I do that when I'm conscious of my breathing). I need to find my ground again :-).

I bought the Oprah mag for the plane; a purrfect tee; two other tees from my client's store. I by them because they are me, and I have a discount.

I bought one resistance band exercise dvd, to take to Ams with me. And I will return the one I bought yesterday - it wasn't so good.

Regrets? None.

I know that I am a fuss head, I know. I still like me. But you know what I didn't do? What is kind of hitting me saying hey girl, isn't this your life? And you're not doing it on your personal day? My book.

Thank god it's patient :).

And just to put the story straight - I paid in bills 4 times what I spent today. Clearing my debts ladies and gents: I am still marching down that road, nice and easy.

Of to work now. I mean sleep. Erg.

Amourx.