Small weeks

I am savouring a post-exercise moment now and need to record it. I was feeling worried and tense about changes and overload and pretty much anything that comes my way. I forget than I need to do some preserving of my sanity and come back in me.

I had to leave early and felt weary. But I went at the physio, a good thing, and then I worked out at the gym. All this helped me to unplug so to speak. It’s not super strong but I have this idea, this concept, of working for the week-end. Do what I do and let chips fall where they may.

I compensate too much.

Beau called and that made my day better. Tonight it’s all about the rest of my life, be it rest, be it other stuff.

It’s a small week.

Amourx.

A bit later and I entered all my measurements in Spark. It’s odd. I am 3 pounds lighter but I think this is because I used to weigh myself with wet hair the last few times.

My chest and waist are slightly thinner, say half an inch. So far this is pointing to small and happy hurray moment.

But the plot thickens. My neck, arms, thighs and calves are all bigger. I can’t attribute this to muscles (I can’t see past my flab to the muscles).

Maybe it’s sloppy self measuring, but I like to have an explanation and a positive outlook. I’ll say that I gained in muscles on my limbs and lost weight around the waist and chest. That would be a very positive way to spin it, don’t you think?

And I quite like the smaller numbers, slowly slowly.

Reading back I see a direct correlation between a workout day and wise thoughts about letting go and things that matter. I do get relaxed through exercise and it relieves my mind of it’s anxieties. This tells me I need to keep a good rhythm.

Ramourx.

Chopped Shallots

As you may have picked up if you come by here every now and then, it’s pretty hard for me to focus on one topic for this blog. It’s my outlet, and I notably out of focus, but there may be hope.

I hereby declare that in some time, like maybe in years time, I will get back to a more balanced life and therefore a balanced blog perhaps.

Back to the now topic - health, food. I went back into logging my food on Spark. I have also looked at SOS Cuisine which is a fab website for figuring out what to eat next. And upon reading on other topics related to antidepressants and sex, two things in which I take part very regularly, I decided to try a lower carb diet. I’m not too bothered with the loss of starchy food so far.

What I am very excited about is how decadently good my supper was. Sole with generous amount of sun dried tomato pesto and cheese, and chopped shallots. Worth a post about it.

With the actual sleeping and resting that I have done at the end of the week-end, and the workout yesterday, and the good eating, I am in a much better shape to tackle work craziness. In truth I have been at 50% for many weeks, always so tired. Now I finally feel better. Lets see how that goes on.

Amourx.

Enjoying the Deficit

Just a quick note of motivation, to say that I worked out really well today after work, and I ate super well too. It’s surprising the amount of nutrients in white beans. With tuna and spinach, even better. And now I rest, confident about my calorie deficit of the day, and happy.

I would like to add that I feel just heavenly now, in my body and even, believe it or not, in my mind. This is important to note, when it happens :)

Pang Evolution

Woha. Tonight is very interesting because it is Sunday, and I am staying home alone voluntarily to have a quiet night in. I knew I was stressed, i know that next week is going to be rough and rocky but perhaps not as bad as last week. This being Sunday is the day when I get that point.

Since my man went off to have drinks with his friends, I am happy to be in quietness, eating salad!, knitting, good stuff. And this is when I am feeling a burst, a splash, a PANG of stress growing in me ho hum. I wanted you guys to know.

Normally my week-ends are filled with excitement, love, food, great company and a bit of resting. Normally there is something special that I do. Dinner or drinks with friends, a new restaurant, sometimes a foray out of town. Normally there is a lot of drinking involved in my week-ends.

This week-end, there was a lot of good stuff too. But I kept it very tempered. I made a chilli and took it to the boys to eat. It was yummmy with 3 m's, and I had more to drink that I would expect (I should know better with these boys). The boys loved it too and our friend had some leftover for lunch tomorrow. The boys are my man and his best friend. I like to keep both happy if I can.

Beau got me a toothbrush for his flat and I joked that it meant that we are official now. Well it's almost four months folks. But we are solid and I love it. Today we walked about and looked at the shoppes. He found two lovely tops for me and even, one of them which is the nicest thing ever, he bought! AND we got some Polish donuts, Ponczki. As well as some Michalky chocolates. The name Michalky is a plural diminutive of his name. Therefor I have several small pieces of him with me. I could say that about him without the chocolates too.

Soon we are going on a well desired trip under the sun together. This should be lovely. So my life and this quiet week-end is not banal, even as I rest in the quiet and feel a pang.

I'll do my best, for the pang. I can see now how beautiful my life is. I can shatter pangs, I'm not afraid.

Amourx.

Adequation

I would be a knitwear writer, teacher and lecturer if this existed. I don't produce finished pieces very frequently. I can design on the fly, I have done it with a scarf, and I modify things on the go. I don't like to reknit so I often integrate mistakes as part of a new design element if I can get away with it. But none of this makes me a master knitter or designer. I would be a knitting scholar.

I am home being quiet and this is good. Work is very challenging and stressful, but I cleared the week-end of it and this is good.

Last week, believe it, I had a St-Patrick's party at my place. Can you believe it? Moi? And also, it was a complete success. I hosted with my beau, we are a great team. He helped me prepare my apartment and clean big time afterwards (way beyond my standards). Guests where friendly, brought food, had lots of drinks, and stayed until past 4 in the morning. One even slept on the couch, and the day after was tough as it should be. My friends liked his friends, and vice versa. I could not have dreamed up of a better scenario, and I am grateful, blessed, happy, everything.

It is the first time that I have people officially over for a party. It is a big step for me. And my beau is there all the way, in fact he was the enabler. I love him (and he loves me). My apartment is changed and I brought in a few pieces to decorate. All in all I finally feel adequate, socially. I took me some time.

I had to lapse at my fitness plan boohoo. The after-party, and the tempo at work made it hard for me to go to the gym after work. I have worked late and packed in double-duty days, in which I do twice the work in half the time, somehow, consistently. This rhythm should never be sustained for too long, but I am at that point. Help has arrived now and I will see an improvement, but right now, it's just all burn.

Tonight I wanted to hang in there quietly and not feel to sad/guilty about the gym. The intention is good, life sometimes gets in the way, and sometimes it's great stuff like hosting your own party too. I vow to let great stuff get in the way when it can, and have no regrets about it. Life is short and I am living it.

Amourx.

Anger Blooms

I have an angry streak, but it’s a beautiful day and I enjoy my 3 day week-end.

I wanted to track stress again here and there, and I know that I spend to much time in front of the screen, so choosing to write is paradoxical like many other things.

My stress is as usual from work. I see Monday and next week as tough, and I am thinking of spending time resolving work issues to help me handle the stress, during my 3 day week-end. That’s why I’m angry. I hope I clear out of this soon.

Also I am uncomfortable with my size. I’m becoming well camped in the plus size zone it seems. I have gained since I met my lovely man, and I was already big-for-me at that point. A good thing that he loves me well ☺

I am going to workout this morning, then meet my mom for lunch, then I will be free until I meet my guy tonight. Things are bothering me, I am worrisome. Hopefully writing and the day will help.

Probably a big step up and out, at work, is needed. Claiming more power, more money, and getting people to do what I do.

Amourx.

Sublime détente

Life can change in little ways. This is a thought that just passed, and I like the thought. I believe in this little thought. That very small things can generate small changes, good changes, that subtly cling to life and give it a new colour or light in time. Like a new light fixture in a living room, or clean floors and clean dishes at the same time.

Like a workout in the evening. And logging in what I ate (ouch) and how I measure (no surprise here, all the numbers are up compared to the last time I measured in september).

It's easy to be angry at all the things that I don't do. Things that don't ever seem to get done. Things that slip by because I don't have time, or I'm too tired, or I'm overwhelmed, or angry. But meanwhile the little things happen by the by.

I am by no means a well balanced person, outwardly speaking. Inside I keep a tend a good garden, I'm resilient and I have a few tricks under my sleeve for when it gets rough. Outside, I have a few spheres that are avoided as a rule, and some others that are forgotten when it gets hectic and when I am beat. Fitness got dropped a few months ago, but I am picking it back up now, lightly, as a little thing by the by.

Hosting in my house has always been avoided, but this theory is being crashed slowly. My man is helping me, and it is unsettling for sure. I am out of my comfort zone, and I am far from hosting. I am only tending to my home slowly, and it gets me in all sorts of tangled twists internally. I think this is normal yes?

Today I have dropped yet again the dose of the meds that I am replacing by another. I will be stopping this first med in 2 weeks. So far I don't feel the doom and gloom spectre so the transition is going well. I think the side effects that I am trying to avoid with this switch are diminishing, but it's still early days to say. I know that exercise will help.

I am very far from perfect and I sometimes have a hard time accepting it. I want to please and if I fail, I am not comfortable. I get uncomfortable when I know ahead of time that I will fail. That's my stress paradigm.

My body is very well relaxed after the little workout I had today, by the by. It doesn't care about all the thoughts and reflexion, it only care that I exerted it and now it's giving me thanks in the form of sublime detente.

Amourx.

Luminaires

Ce matin je me permets un peu de temps pour moi. Je viens d'avoir un flash travail, moi v et jf, on pourrait faire monter la coche en présentation et développement d'affaires. C'est noté.

Revenons ici maintenant. Mon fabuleux copain et on ami qui est aussi le mien ont installé le luminaire au plafond après plusieurs délibérations sur le filage, qui n'était pas habituel. Ils ont même demandé de l'aide par téléphone à un pro, ils sont même retournés chez home dépôt après que le deuxième dimmer ait sauté. J'écris ça parce que leur gentillesse et diligence est une rareté, et maintenant j'ai un tout autre éclairage au plafond, très beau. On ne peut pas mieux m'aider qu'avec ces trucs-là, je suis choyée.

Mon copain a aussi fait beaucoup plus pour m'aider, c'est un vrai amour. Je voulais aussi noter comment je me suis senti de faire entrer un nouvel ami chez moi. Car je n'invite personne sauf mes amoureux depuis un bon deux ans. Je suis complexée alors j'évite ça. Copain qui le savait, a fait un petit tour de ménage (c'est une perle) pendant que je travaillais. Ami est venu et ça a bien été. Seul petit heurt, quand il a pointé mon autre luminaire et ma peinture de plafond en avisant de le changer, ça a blessé mon amour propre car ce sont mes deux choix fait avec mes idées et mes goûts.

Donc ce matin je suis contente de cet événement et un peu chamboulée aussi. Pourtant c'était juste positif. Je vais y aller peu à peu, par petit pas, pour mon chez-moi et les amis.

C'est donc ce soir que je vais au gym. Je me suis rappeler ce matin de prendre ça doux au boulot, donc j'écris ici. J'ai pris vendredi de congé, je vais voir ce que je ferai ce jour-là.

Amourx.

Reporting

I am not at the gym. I am sitting in a dimly lit room sipping wine, waiting for the boys. The plans have changed because my beautiful man has taken it upon himself to install me a ceiling lamp, and the plans didn't pan out very well so he's bringing his good friend to help finish the wiring. That's why I went home instead of the gym, to assist and mainly to provide food and beverages.

I was extremely shy to show my home to other people, so you know what? My new man also took it upon himself to clean up. He made it all squeaky clean and I told him that he is my god. Now his friend will have come into my house, and maybe the spell will break.

Now before they arrive I want to clean some more. All is not loss of the day, fitness wise, because I still can take my measurements today and go to the gym tomorrow.

Stress wise, it's still tough at work somehow but I am taking Friday off (yay) and taking things day by day.

Amourx.

Recording

Well hi there, welcome to a new start for me. I don't know if I will keep track of it in this blog, in another blog, or on paper, but I will start journaling for a few reasons. It does me good and it's relaxing, I love to write, I find that it brings up wise thoughts, I want to keep track of a few goals and see how life progresses, and it will replace some time that is used to browse the internet aimlessly.

My main concern right now is the pressure at work, no big news right? But I took on a new role this year and my boss quit recently and isn't replaced, and my workforce is... lacking, my clients are dogs (ok one of my clients is a dog), my suppliers aren't delivering, and I'm scared shit. At least my mood is still good, but my energy is going away fast.

In the health department, I am suffering from exhaustion and a common cold that won't go away, it's been more than a month now. I am also waaay overweight because my lifestyle of late hasn't included any exercise, but lots of drinking and eating anything.

To help with all those concern I am starting a program at the gym today. I will go today after work for the first time. And I will write things down.

I'm not sure if I should write about my love life but it is going so good.

Amourx.