On Acting Like it's the End of the World

Permanence is the thing I fear the most, as in being stuck for ever in an unfortunate situation. Single forever, or stuck with someone forever. What happens today is going to repeat for eternity. Happiness itself is fleeting, it's j-u-s-t about up for grabs and then poof, it goes out of reach.

Everything does go on. Sad days, good days, they all pass. It's ok. I understand that life is different for me now that I am more stable and no longer depressed, but it will take me a few years to change my default vision, my fear of permanence. The good, the bad, it comes and goes like ebb and flow. I better learn to swim.

I'm heavily taxed by a colleague and not sure how best to proceed. Although my night is free and I have more invitations that I normally handle, my house is clean and life is good, she pushes and pushes and pushes the buttons and I contain, contain, contain myself. It's not healthy, and I wish that I could switch it off tonight.

And I want to talk about the boy or rather the experience with the boy a little bit more seriously. I have been doing a good job of brushing him off. This is protection and it does keep me from tipping over into lala land. I don't often find attractive matches for me, so when I do, I get carried away on a helium filled balloon.

And lets face this for a moment. He's the first man since I'm single, and all of it was nice. One would react after... 4 years of desert. It's a harsh word to describe my ex relationship but it is a suitable image in a way. I didn't have the right kind of man for me. This new guy was more like it, so now I know what to look for. So he's some kind of a stepping stone.

Cause frankly, I couldn't deal with the competition.

If this reasoning sounds forced it's because it is. I'm trying to catch myself and give me a soft landing. I guess that I can grieve a little. Like an inch.

I will put my earphones on with a lullaby and calm me down.

Man, I'm writing all this down but I told you, if you are around, you can show up now. I can say that I am grateful that I've had an adventure, and that this is a nice counter-balance to the current work problem, who's subject may not have had a nice adventure last week-end, and maybe not in a long time. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But boy I need help with that one. This I know Man.

You know my address.

Amourx.