The Crack Thing.

A two-weeker. I'm in mourning for a two week lust affair. There was a lot that opened and I can easily wax authentic poetics about a passionate albeit short and stunted affair. I could be melodramatic about it, I could tell you that I even saw marriage and family -- it's crazy how things go to your head fast, or mine at least. The bigger point is that I melted. The big iceberg that I was completely and drastically melted. To the point that fire is getting hard to contain. But I ended it, and even if I mourn it, I am proud of me.

Lately in my life, I have become more rational in my thought process. It's helping me to keep emotions from taking over my life and to make decisions that will help me gain self esteem, which is the one thing that I have to protect above all. It's hard for me to favour cold hard facts over the beautiful thing that happen when your heart open's up. Cause it did, or at least a big crack gave in and light came out, or in. I could say beautiful and touching things about it forever. But, it's over and I don't want to fall into that. I have been uniquely good enough to tell him sweetly that it won't work. He sweetly confirmed it, keeping an absolutely no strings attached door open that I won't open. I can't because of the crack thing.

Instead I will be rational and learn to love it. Because what I have to protect is fragile, and I'm ok with that. I will be the one who takes care it forever. I'm hoping to meet a lovely man, but I'll be patient and ward off fear. It's tough getting a hang of this self esteem thing.

I have one night to cry if I want to. I won't. This feels more like a lovely deception. The thoughts are mostly sweet. No adult was hurt during filming. And I don't cry much anymore, not like I used to. Should I tell you that I had all kind of crazy fiery thoughts going on last week-end and that it ended with a deep massage by a pro, who just happened to be exactly what I needed? Now I don't feel as fiery, but I'm definitely still porous, open and fragile. It's expansive, it's what I wanted.

Tonight I'll think of my masseur and sleep well. And Man, I wish you a good night.

Amourx.